Pixar, baby! It's the closest thing to a Magic Word in Hollywood.
They've yet to disappoint, so why waste time with a lengthy introduction?
Let's let Up up speakfor itse-
Here's a film I've been looking forward to for quite some time... which possibly gave me a bit more of a let-down than it could have been. Trust me, it's a big surprise for me to be disappointed in any movie that features our favorite Fake Shemps!
What's more, audiences and critics may be mixed on this one (as am I), but the overall opinion appears to be positive.
Let's see what you think... Check out my review for Drag Me to Hell and let me know if the title may just as well be a fulfilling prophecy for your writer here!
INDIE INTERLUDE: Okay, it's not exactly The Office in any incarnation, but then again, the creators of the independent short One Day Seminar don't have a weekly sitcom (or even britcom) budget. Keep that in mind when you check out One Day Seminar, the little Independent Short Flick that may not be perfect, but does manage to be funny in a unique way! (May 29, 2009)
Day after Day we're one step closer to... Judgment DAY!
As the 25th anniversary of Terminator rolls around, we get our first solid look at the world after Judgment Day along with the Heroic JOHN CONNOR and the new Warrior named MARCUS WRIGHT right along side a young KYLE REESE... but all that is filtered through a Lens of a guy who makes his movies look more like commercials for movies.
Still, there's a lot to enjoy in T4: Terminator Salvation!
Hey there you HEADBANGING METALHEADS!
YOU WANTED THE BEST AND YOU GOT THE BEST! THE HOTTEST BAND IN THE LAND... ANVIL!
Yeah!... Anvil! Heard of them? Yeah, well, me either.
In fact, they've been around for over 30 years without breaking up... and still even their biggest fans haven't heard much from them in a while!
But that's being rectified pretty quickly by the documentary that is sweeping the indie film circuit: Anvil! The Story of Anvil! Quite a title, no? It's as heavy as its subject. BANG YOUR HEAD! (05/18/2009)
It's been almost four years since I've reviewed an episode of Lost mainly because every episode gets Five Stars anyway! But with all this Star Trek talk, I had to do it! Plus, it gives me an excuse to post more photos of Yunjin Kim! I have to tell you, I need to review this show more often because after having taken THIS LONG, I was way more long winded than usual.
Take a No-Doze, then check out my review for the two-part Fifth Season Finale of Lost! It's episode 5.16, and it's entitled "The Incident"! And yes, it's great! (Stardate: 20090516)
Star Trek Watch: Have you seen this awesome show featuring a hero and a villain traveling back in time, causing ripples in time and causing things to go horribly wrong? The good guys must fight to keep all their friends from dying as a big, honkin' ship waits just near them to destroy their very land.
Nope, not talking about Star Trek! That's the plot of the current season of LOST! But seeing as how the guys who make LOST also made the new Star Trek, we'll let that slide, right?
I'm glad to say that the many reasons I worried about this film being disappointing were largely not issues. Oh, I was disappointed in OTHER ways, but, hey... luckily the film is pretty damned good, regardless. See what I mean, read my review for Star Trek! (Stardate: 20090508)
He's the BEST at what he does... and what he does never involves trimming his sideburns!
Those of you dying (in some cases, literally) to discover the true history of Wolverine... email me, I'll recommend some comics.
For those of you who want the quick, easy and condensed story packaged in a fun, but lacking popcorn movie and are willing to ignore lapses in logic and continuity, may I recommend you check out X-Men Origins: Wolverine! (May 04, 2009)
Even though I was dramatically unenthusiastic about the last collaboration between Kiefer and Reese I reviewed, I'm giving some huge thumbs up to their latest work in the animated flick Monsters Vs. Aliens, which features the best looking woman in 3-D since My Bloody Valentine! For those of you who have only dreamed of SURFING with the Alien... here's my contribution! Don't miss Monsters Vs. Aliens, if at all possible, in IMAX 3D! HUZZAH! (May 03, 2009)
INDIE INTERLUDE: The time has come once again to enter the Realm of Never which means, I suppose, that the Moratorium is over!
This time we take a step into "THE UNIDENTIFIED CRAFT" to see what beauties await us at the end of our experiment. But before I dare say something like "Only what you bring with you!" I need to ask... does this Anagram make me look Fat?
Don't Miss The Realm of Never: The Unidentified Craft! (April 27, 2009)
Everyone knows I tend to review the Ultra-Indies (though I'm running way behind, guys). Here's something I almost never do. In fact, it's only the second time ever. I'm talking about reviewing a fan-edit of an existing film. This time, we're looking at Dead Silence and its re-edited version, humbly entitled Dead Silence: The Perfect Cut. Enjoy it, knowing that I speak from the heart... not the gut!
(April 20, 2009)
Well another April Fool's day came and went, so it's back to more reviews. Tonight, it's a 1983 mid-range low-budget horror flick called One Dark Night and NO, it doesn't feature an appearance by The Joker, but Batman does pop up in a scene or two, I kid you not, True Believers.
Say, my last movie review was Night Before the Wedding, wasn't it? Say, Branin, with this recent crop of BAD HORROR REMAKES, I'm thinking One Dark Night is due for a re-imagining! I can see it now: One Dark Night Before the Wedding! You thought you were in for a standard bachelor party, but Adam, wait until you find yourself bound and gagged in a Mausoleum! Don't miss "One Dark Night Before the Wedding"! (April 05, 2009)
Well, these financial times have been rough on all of us, including, unfortunately, WorldsGreatestCritic.com! Yes, folks, I regret to inform you that I've been foreclosed upon and am now 40% owned by you, the Taxpayer... but I think if you'll read This Announcement, you'll see that one way or the other, we're doing just fine! (April 01, 2009)
INDIE INTERLUDE: You may have read about my misadventures during the Night Before the Wedding Fundraiser. Well, little did I know, I actually had it easy. See, my Advance Copy was just received and MAN, do these guys party hard. Luckily, the film never ceases to be really good, and more than meets the synopsis! You're Invited to check out my review of The Night Before The Wedding, this time for REAL! (March 28, 2009)
And now for something weirder... which is a tall order considering the content of this site... wow.
How about a Scary Kids' Movie that is actually VERY scary!
Sink your needles in all three dimensions into Coraline!
Be careful what you wish for!
(March 23, 2009)
Happy St. Patrick's Day everybody!!!
But enough about my Heritage!
Every Friday the 13th, I review another entry into the greater Friday the 13th series, which, as always, I did this time out! So what new movie should I see on Friday the 13th? How about the remake of the film that launched the career of the director of the first ever Friday the 13th flick?
Yeah, I'll admit, that's a stretch, even for me!
But that's what I did... and I had my only daughter right there with me! Dick move? Perhaps! But when watching a flick like The Last House on the Left, trust me, I wouldn't want her ANYWHERE else!
(Tuesday the 17th of March 2009)
Well, it's Friday the 13th again and you know what that means! Yes ma'am, it's time to review yet another Jason Voorhees flick... You ever wonder what I'm going to do when I run out? Stay tuned!
This year we have three Fridays the 13th and for the first time in a long time, two in a row. We already reviewed the most recent flick (the Friday the 13th remake on its release day, but are more firsts than just that event (dubious though that may have been). This next film was released on DVD to coincide with the release of the remake, for the first time in its originally intended 3-D version. This was the first Friday flick released in DVD and it was the first time we saw our evil anti-hero in his now-famously infamous Hockey Mask!
Yep, though it was the third film, Friday the 13th part 3-D was packed with many firsts, and for my second Friday review (of three) for 2009, I've reviewed the third flick for the first time... in all three dimensions! Mask Up and enjoy! (Friday the 13th of March 2009)
After all the false starts, law suits and promises, the filmed adaptation of the most celebrated (and, I would say, best) Graphic Novel of all time has finally debuted in theatres. I'll say this flat out... it's one for the masses! But is that a good thing?
Take heart before believing the "accuracy" of this film to its source material. That statement is being parroted by the uninformed who have watched the film and claim to know what they're talking about... but I ask you, who watches the WATCHMEN? (03.06.09)
I fully realize that most of you are awaiting the review for a certain much-anticipated movie adaptation based on the greatest graphic novel of all time.
Instead, slooshy my review of a documentary about a woman's quest for answers about Vinyl Siding.
It's called Blue Vinyl... and no, that's not a reference to Doctor Manhattan! (03/05/2009)
Heavens to Mergatroid... I haven't posted a review since Friday the 13th of February 2009! No Oscar commentary, no new Ultra-Indie review, no blockbuster, no bad foreign Horror Flicks. Some of you may even be wondering... is he dead?
Well, as far as I know I'm not. I'll get back to you on that. But with family in town, band practice, work to ignore, Mardi Gras celebrations to partake in and a near endless stream of Ninjas attacking me when I least expect it, my time is sapped.
So, allow me to present unto you the very definition of a WorldsGreatestCritic.com "Stop Gap Measure": Tokyo Mater.
Happy Ash Wednesday, everybody! (02/25/2009)
For the past few years, I've been reviewing a Friday the 13th flick on each and every Friday the 13th, and I will until I run out! (Luckily, there have been more than you know, long before Jason was born, going way, way back to 1911! Look it up!)
Amazingly, this time out, a new Jason Voorhees flick was actually released on Friday, February 13th, 2009. That's the good news...
The bad news is that this Friday the 13th is yet another bad horror remake from the scabs at Splatinum Dooms! Still, your luck hasn't run completely out, as it's not the worst film of its kind (though it can't hold a blown-out birthday candle to My Bloody Valentine 3-D)... Thinking People... just focus on the Gratuities and you'll be fine. Slow-pokes, save the poorly-spelled admonishments emailed in all-caps. You'll only make me laugh.
(Friday the 13th of February 2009)
Two "Bad Horror Remakes" in a row... and neither of them were that bad! So I figure, hell, let's go for a much-anticipated "Bad Horror Sequel" and see if we fare as well.
What am I talking about? Return to Sleepaway Camp, from many of the same people who brought you the original 1983 anti-classic Sleepaway Camp!
Well, so much for Bizarro World, because this one most certainly could bite the cheeks off a salmon. It could suck a duck off a buck. It could lick the white wash off a fence. It could Blow a balloon to Zimbabwe! Ah, what a world, what a world! I'm melting... mel-ting! (02/06/2009)
Well, its been a weird year so far for newly released movies. First My Bloody Valentine 3-D, which should have sucked the sweat off of an Alabama Varsity Football Team at Summer Camp, was released and... wasn't that bad. Now a second potentially "bad horror remake" has been released and it too... is pretty decent. I'm telling you, we're on Bizarro World and 2009 is the year that broke it!
The film is called The Uninvited, a remake of 2003's A Tale of Two Sisters and while it doesn't quite capture the complexity or pace of the original, it's a fairly enjoyable, if flawed, piece of cinema. Tell me, though, seriously, you must have seen the ending coming, right? I didn't, I'm ashamed to say! I think something might be wrong... I'll ask EMPEROR BIZARRO! (01/31/2009)
After the year-endretrospectives, DMOTY Award, DMOTY Tie In and the first review of 2009, I finally get to just ease in and review a film I watched BEFORE I wrote all that other stuff. This one is called Bolt, it's a Disney Animated flick and... yeah, it's in 3-D! I guess this officially puts us on a "3-D Streak"! You guys remember the old WorldsGreatestCritic.com "Streaks" before I made it ridiculous with "Seasons"? Don't get used to this... Seasons will start again this summer! Maybe we can exchange "Streaks" for... Bolts? (01/22/2009)
It's no surprise at all that yet another of my favorite slasher flicks from the bygone, Fangorian era has been remade so early in 2009! I think it's actually a law now that every cult movie must be remade before the year 2012. You'll see more in the coming months, trust me.
The only thing that IS surprising about this is that the remake of My Bloody Valentine does not actually suck used ass. In fact My Bloody Valentine 3-D is actually pretty damned good... for what it is. You may have a slasher of a different mask stalking Valentine's Day this year, but the man in the Gas Mask and Mining Helmet is here now to pick out his favorite hearts and toss them at you in full-on 3-D!
And if you aren't going to see it in 3-D for the horror... see the affect of Three Dimensional rendering on the amazing nudity. I'm going to go see My Bloody Valentine 3-D again for that very purpose. Join me! (01/19/2009)
You know what happens when you time travel naked with party animals? Neither do I, actually... but to fulfill the foretaste and promise of a tie-in review with this year's The Dead Man of the Year 2008 article, here comes another big tribute to the great Stan Winston in the form of one of the most unique and interractive films he was ever involved in. In case the hints didn't hit you square in the jaw (ouch), I'm talking about T2 3-D: Battle Across Time, one of the best theme park shows out there. Over the past decade I've probably seen/ experienced "T23D" somewhere between fifty and a hundred times. If you haven't seen it yet, act fast, it's scheduled to close this year. R*I*P Stan! (01/16/2009)
PS: Perhaps my spreading out this whole "end-of-year" thing over two weeks was rather wise marketing... Is it better than me dropping them all on you at once or worse? You decide!
It's January 11th, 2009, which is pretty much the latest in the year I've posted an end-of-the-year review. But before you body-slam me for that, take note... The Golden Globes that celebrate 2008 come on tonight. I'm not later than the Golden Globes, you goofs! And how about those OSCARS, huh? Those won't be on until... what? Oh, you noticed I've still not posted my Oscar 2007 article, huh? Well... you know what? Cut me some slack, kids, I've got a life, man!
People keep asking me to go out and I'm like "Well... I shouldn't, but..."
You know, I'll bet you people who keep freaking out about this stuff are the same people who couldn't accept the new Darren on Bewitched. Look, he's gone, okay? Get used to the new guy. He's still good, and they're both Dicks, am I right? Man, you're the same kind of people who won't watch Star Trek: The Next Generation because you prefer The Original Series! So what, man? And so what if we've had a bunch of James Bonds... you can't expect Barry Nelson to still be playing the part now. Besides, home dude is an AMERICAN!
I'm sorry... I'm just a little sensitive about being so late in posting the posthumous tribute to the late...
The Dead Man of the Year 2008!
Who is it? Click the link and find out. But if you're hovering over in anticipation, I'll give you a hint... my next review, the review that ties in with The Dead Man of the Year 2008 award will be my first ever review of a Theme Park Attraction.
Oh, what? What, is that too much change for you? You don't like me reviewing a Theme Park Attraction? Then start your own website, man! I'll bet you're one of those people who refused to watch Taxi once it moved to NBC, aren't you? Yeah, and you couldn't handle it when Lionel from The Jeffersons was replaced by Damon Evans, could you? Look, Mike Evans came back to the role later on, man, and Damon was good! I don't care that he wasn't even related to Mike. They both rocked, man! And when Spencer went off the air and came back as Under One Roof with a totally different actor playing Spencer, you freaked out, didn't you? You saw the episodes out of order just like everybody else and you were confused as hell and your head nearly exploded. Hey, we've all been there, but most of us adjusted!
So, you know what? You'll read The Dead Man of the Year 2008AND its theme park attraction review tie in and you'll LIKE IT, man! I'll be walking my greyhound and thinking about the second Mr. Wilson on the Dennis the Menace show. I'm over it, man, I'm over it! (01/11/2009)
Well, folks, it's January 7... meaning I can stop taking comfort in the fact that I'm not really late until after January 7th.
Alternately, you could take comfort in the fact that the guy you're getting reviews and commentary from has a life. Yes, yes! Fear not, the DMOTY awards are coming up, but next on the agenda is yet another slice of WorldsGreatestCritic.comedy in which I continue our year in review.
Enjoy The Inexplicable 8 of 2008 and join me in 8 big exclamations of "WTF!!!" Spear and magic...
Yo, yo, yo!
Yo, yo, yo!
Over the last three years I've sort of laid all the year end crap on you with one fell blow. This year out of either a unified and brilliant plan or lazy procrastination, I'm throwing out one article at a time for your reading displeasure. And those of you making a face because it's January 3rd (almost) and I'm just now posting the first of the 2008 year in review articles, take a look back at 2005's year in review which didn't see the light of day until January 7, 2006, so... I... used to suck more.
This year I'm a full five days (that's a hundred twenty hours, Smurfs) earlier than I was three years ago, as I debut The Top 8 of 2008! Yes, I wrote this just for you with the power of my SPEAR AND MAGIC HEL-MET!
Spear and Magic Helmet?
SPEAR AND MAGIC HEL-MEEEEEEEET!
More to come, but for now, dig
The Top 8 of 2008!
Oh, and "Klaatu Barada Nikto!" (01/02/2009)
Happy New Year, everybody!
You long-term readers (at least those of you not currently in straight jackets) are probably looking for the standard WorldsGreatestCritic.com year-end articles. The Best, Worst and WTF, the Dead Man of the Year Award and the first kick-off, tie-in review of the New Year.
Well, I haven't finished all that yet... but it's coming! I'm not slacking off!
So until those trickle in, why not whet the old appetite-bone with a retrospective of my retrospectives, going all the way back to 2005 (remember how young you were then?).
Just consider this the Kneumsi equivalent of one of those lame-ass clip shows or just another of the endless Reruns you avoid like the Dregs!
Enjoy and, again, Happy Nude Year! (01/02/2009)
Merry New Year's Eve Eve Eve, Eva! That is, if your last name is Mendez.
You know what that means, True Believers? It means that I couldn't be push, pulled or dragged away from theatres on the weekend that Will Eisner's The Spirit was released! Yeah, I realize it opened at Number Nine with a very minor Box Office Take over the Holiday Weekend. Yeah, I realize that a lot of critics and viewers have been remarkably derisive of this film. Yeah, it's not for everybody. However, if you True Believers are, in fact, True Believers, then The Spirit might be right up your Alley! Trust me, this one is underrated! (12/29/2008)
Merry Christmas Eve, everybody... and third day of Chanukah and...
You know, at WorldsGreatestCritic.com, everyone's welcome, so you fill in the occasion!
Also at WorldsGreatestCritic.com, for the last three years Christmas has meant something else, namely The Christmas Turkey!!!
As you settle into your hope (or family's home) with your family and friends you can thank Santa Claus that the place isn't haunted... like the (none-too-familiar) abode in The 2008 Christmas Turkey: The Amityville Curse! Not much yuletide spirit in that place. Or spirit of any kind!
And since 'tis the season, why not revisit some of my earlier Christmas Themed reviews and feast your Holiday-wearied eyes on some of our previous years' favorites like:
Enjoy and, again, Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays and more! (12/24/2008)
"Klaatu Barada Nikto!"
What? It's not like I didn't warn you.
But seriously, moving on from that, it's time for something completely different... but, interestingly enough, not better.
Yes, yet another of my favorite comic characters gets the business in this recent Marvel production. Strangely enough, Punisher: War Zone does follow the comics its based on to a decent degree and features a lead actor that does the Punisher justice... or tries to.
The end result is an absolute mess hardly worth the wasted bullets.
Oh, and save it, fan boys. I'm twice the fan you are and I've actually had sex. (12/19/2008)
"Klaatu Barada Nikto!"
Yes, folks, that's something I won't be able to stop doing for the rest of the year... Lucky for you that's like two weeks away.
Interestingly enough, in the 2008 remake of The Day the Earth Stood Still, they use the phrase much less than I have over the last three days. In fact, it only pops up once.
In all honesty, I liked the film, but even with its (often buried) good intentions, it can't stand up to The Original 1951 Classic!
But for Whoreywood Blockbuster Remakes of killer films, the good news is that you could do worse than The Day the Earth Stood Still! Okay, ready? Everybody say it with me!!!
"Gort! Klaatu Barada Nikto!"
Okay, ladies and germs, I'm back again and delivering unto you yet another classic. This warning comes not from the FUTURE (see the Thanksgiving Turkey below), but from OUTER SPACE! And this... is how the message ran:
The Day the Earth Stood Still is one of the all time classics of Science Fiction. I'll let it speak for itself until the remake hits tomorrow... but before I turn it over to ol' "Klaatu Carpenter", I can't resist the urge to say this just one more time:
"Gort! Klaatu Barada Nikto!"
Happy... um... whenever this is. You may have noticed I haven't posted any new reviews since Thanksgiving and you may be wondering "Where'd that Psycho go?"
Yeah, yeah, yeah, don't pretend you're not out there, I've had 25,148 readers so far this month.
Anyway, I won't get too deep into what I've been up to, but you can all take a look at one of them. The band I recently joined played their first show with me on Bass this past Friday and I've loaded videos from that performance onto YouTube.
You can check out our versions of "Drive", "Good Riddance (Time of your Life)", "Everything You Want", "With or Without You", "One", "Cinnamon Girl", "Mary Jane's Last Dance", "You Wreck Me", "Brown Eyed Girl", "Story of my Life", "Clocks" and even "(I Can't Get No) Satisfaction" in the player below. That's me in the back jumping up and down with my Bass Guitar to be seen.
Many have asked me the question: "If you know music so well, can you actually PLAY music?" Ha ha ha! Now I can, beyond any shadow of a doubt assure you that the answer... is no. Enjoy... if you can. (12/10/2008)
Happy Thanksgiving, every Smurf! And you know what that means... I'm hours overdue, but here it is:
In 1984 there was released a sequel with no prequel with the tagline of "Be thankful it's not you he's after!. Yes... On this day of Thanksgiving, you should be Thankful that I watched this Thanksgiving Turkey and you didn't have to!
Yes, folks, the 2008 Thanksgiving Turkey is here, folks... and it's The Executioner, part II!
This year we go way back to take you way forward. It's disturbing, but you'll love it (or hate it). (Thanksgiving Day: 11/27/2008)
Happy Thanksgiving Week, everybody... More reviews are on the way (especially for you TURKEY LOVERS), but for now, how about a new video? Edited and largely shot yesterday (11/23/2008), this is the first video featuring the World's Greatest Critic's Greyhound Novara. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm now one of those "Dog Owners", but check it out... it's funny! (11/24/2008)
Well, folks, I went to see the new James Bond flick this weekend and I was excited to see that, Star Trek trailer was also released this past weekend right there on the Bond print!
Folks, I've got to say, I'm still waiting to be impressed. Fans were concerned with the first teaser that depicted the Enterprise being built on Earth, which is in violation of known Canon. But this new Enterprise is VERY different from the original. Of all the things I didn't think they'd change, the Enterprise was the top of the list. Even if they made it look less like a model, I thought for SURE they'd at least keep the design the same. Of course, "Entertain Me Weakly" has decided that this is "cool", so they're acting like it's accurate, saying "Kinda looks like the old one, huh?" Yeah... uh... "KINDA" is right. I thought Abrams was going to make sure this all fit, but he's as deluded as ever, saying "If you're going to do the ENTERPRISE, it better look like the ENTERPRISE, because otherwise, what are you doing?" My sentiments exactly! But for a Franchise that seems to STILL be getting it right, get a lod of James Bond 22: Quantum of Solace, which still manages to be damn good. Daniel Craig wouldn't screw up the Enterprise... that is, unless it crossed him on his PATH OF REVENGE! (11/17/2008)
Fashion Models, Witchcraft, creepy, prune-like old guys in see-through robes, short, mannish women wearing nothing at all and Lesbian Twins! It's called Virgin Witch... it's hot for all the right reasons and scary as hell for all the wrong reasons... many of which just happen to be the SAME reasons. (November 16, 2008)
INDIE INTERLUDE: Pull up your Barstool for the Western Thrill Ride called Cowboy Smoke... You'll be glad you did! (November 09, 2008)
Ah... Halloween comes EARLY this year with... yet another retread of a...
Look, folks, I'm sorry, I know I both praise and condemn Exploitation Flicks (for some of the same reasons), but I had hoped like the mom on thirtysomething to avoid seeing Saw V... but, you know, you're trapped at Tustin Marketplace while your PT Cruiser is being repaired and you've already bought your costume, along with a few completely unnecessary impulse buys (kids, I don't even play Golf... why do I need a set of clubs monogrammed with YODA's name?) and you've got time to waste, so you do... you waste it... with Saw V!
Should I saw "For Fans Only"? Probably not. I'm a fan and... damn! (10/26/08)
Ladies, Ladies, Ladies (see, in my mind, all my readers are attractive, athletic young women) are you ready for some ITALIAN SCHLOCK? Well, how about some SCHOCK instead?
Yeah, "Schock" [sic]! Or, as it was known in the goode olde You Ess of Aaaaaaaay: Shock!
Well, it was also known as "Beyond the Door II", but, we won't hold that against it. Horror Fans should be jazzed at the inclusion of one name: "BAVA"! Those easily irritated might be turned off by the inclusion of "Some Annoying Kid!" But damn...
Just remember this... Nothing's Shocking! (10/20/08)
Well, loyal readers, it's 10/13, which means, of course, it's time for an X-Files review to say Happy Birthday to Dana Scully and Chris Carter both!
Unlike most years, we've already had an X-Files Movie, so it's time for something different. And folks, when it comes to both X-Files and Something Different, only two words spring to mind:
And that's obvious!
But here at WorldsGreatestCritic.com, we never go for the Obvious... so instead of a review of From Outer Space, sink your nicotine-stained Alien Teeth into the Millennium Episode entitled "Jose Chung's 'Doomsday Defense'"! You won't regret it... unless you're... TRAPPED IN THE CLOSET!!! (10/13/08)
Folks, I can't get enough of The Evil Dead! I love that movie... and the guys who made it love me (see my Feedback page for details on that)!
Yep, the only thing The Evil Dead could use more of is... sequels... and we're getting them, starting in the year of our Lord, 2011!
But in Italy, following in that arcane, nonsense tradition of unofficial sequels, there are already a ton of sequels to those films (released around "the Boot" as the "La Casa" series). The first of these, following hard upon Evil Dead II, was called, obviously, La Casa 3! Unfortunately, it sucks more than the vacuum cleaner it would take to clean up La Titular Casa! Yeah, it's bad... Folks, if you read this review and still find yourself excited enough to seek out and view La Casa 3, I've got five words of advice for you: Tums, Tums, Tums, Tums, TUUUUUUUUUUMS! (10/09/08)
I am, and have been, somewhat concerned about the fact that Assassin Robots from the Future have been sorely overlooked in the safety features of the new VOLVO!
But it's time to take my mind off of that and focus on a film that has nothing to do with such a disturbing subject: House of Whipcord! (10/03/08)
Years ago when I was acting in an annual "Terror Show", a couple I met there went all Goth and got married. When they had their first kid, they pierced his ear, gave him an inverted crucifix on a rosary and planned his first tattoo.
Admittedly it's been a while since I've seen them, but I've little doubt that as soon as the kid grew teeth they would be giving him some fake fangs.
2008's Dark CGI comedy called Igor might not be for everyone, but I'm thinking that this would be right up the collective alley of that little Goth family back home. Technically I could probably look them up and get back in touch with them, but... why? I'll just watch Igor again instead. (09/30/08)
Rest In Peace Jennifer Canzoneri Only the GOOD die young! FundingForJen.com
Ah! GREECE! What do you think of when you think of Greece? History? Gyros? Goofy English Guys in cheap Halloween Costumes worshipping twenty foot mobile Chia pets? Yeah, I know... it's like... "WHAT?"
But that's the basic premise of Land of the Minotaur, one of the milder of the 1970s Satanism Shockers. It's not so much "Land of the Bull-Man" as it is "Land of the Bullshit!" (09/26/08)
Since 2005, Independent Filmmakers, whom I affectionately refer to as "The Ultra Indies" have asked me to review their films. I respond, offer my list of Caveats, they agree, I offer the address, they send the movie and a-blah, blah, blah! YACKETY SCHMACKITY!
So how about I streamline the whole process by slapping it all up on one page. So, without any further ado (and let's face it, there's a butt-load of "Ado" around here), let's get to my new informative article about "How to Submit your Film for Review on WorldsGreatestCritic.com"
Man, I love California. Take this recent Saturday when I found myself roaming around Newport Beach.
There I am in my convertible with my new hollow-bodied ArtCore guitar, just loving life, so I cruise to the beach near the Balboa Pier, cop a lovely spot in the sand and just play that sweet guitar purely acoustic along the water, watching the tide roll away. As I cruised back to my cruiser and chilled out a while with the top down, I looked up and found that I was docked at the Marina, which meant that I was, quite literally, "sittin' on the dock of the bay, wastin' time!"
So I told Mrs. Garmin, my trusty GPS, to find me the nearest movie theatres, and the Lido looked groovy, so I headed that way, arriving at about 3:00, discovering that the next showing was at 3:15. This seemed like a sign to me, so I ponied up to the round window and shouted "One Please."
Naturally, this is the way it is because of the type of theatre the Lido is... This is one of those classic, old theatres one rarely sees in operation, anywhere but in a beach city. The kind with the big marquee and the Oval Shaped Box Office set out front, separate from the rest of the building. Walking in was a joy, too, because the entire place was ornate and beautiful. Still classic, but so well-kept it appeared that one wasn't entering a modern theatre, but stepping back in time a few decades. I was elated over the fact that there was actually a curtain over the screen.
Cruising upstairs to visit the Men's Room (I hate eating finger-food like Popcorn without the chance to first wash my hands... and I didn't want to miss out on Popcorn in a theatre like this), I discovered that there was actually a Balcony in the place, so I copped my spot on the second floor of that beautiful California Theatre in beautiful Southern California.
Sometimes it's best to stop and smell the roses and find big smiles in simple things...
Or stop and smell the Vinyard as the case may be... because the film I saw was also a film about California... well, Northern California.
It's called Bottle Shock, and it's all about yet another of my favorite things... Wine. Uncork it and drink it in, my friends. It's a beautiful day! (09/15/2008)
So, what did you folks think of The Mist? Love it? Hate it? Love the ending, hate the film? Well, if you're like me, you love the film and aren't too crazy about that Darabont-Insisted ending. Well, if you're like me and like artist Kevin Karstens. Karstens' love for the original story and appreciation for the 2007 film let him to re-edit The Mist into a new version, much more like the original novel. It's appropriately called The Mist - The Novella Cut and the results? Quite stylish! What's more, he's doing it for love of the story, not in any way for Profit. Check out my review of The Mist - The Novella Cut and pay ol' Kevin a visit while you're at it. But beware the oncoming storm. (09/09/2008)
You guys still awake?
You might not be after this next review...
Reaching way back to 1984, before ol' Marty McFly even headed back to the Fifties to escape Libyan Terrorists, a completely different kind of threat hit middle America... The film was called Mutant, but, really... it was about Zombies.
And for those of you Dick Clark fans, step up to the band stand for this one, because he was the uncredited Co-Producer... for some reason.
Fear Not, True Believers, more reviews of both good and bad movies will be appearing shortly.
What follows is NOT a movie review, but a recap of one of my recent party escapades at a fundraiser FOR a movie that I will one day soon review:
David Branin's The Night before the Wedding!
Support it, believe in it, drink Pura Casta to it... or just laugh at yet another of my misadventures with
The Party Before The Night Before The Wedding!
Ah, yes, a new Star Wars movie... more proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy!
Yesterday my family and I watched both seasons of the previous Clone Wars television show, then headed out to the midnight premiere of my most anticipated movie of the year:
Star Wars: The Clone Wars!
Was it great? Yeah, it was! But I'm a little disturbed by the fact that apparently I now speak Huttese. Seriously, man... I was able to translate without subtitles. I feel like such a poodoo slaymo! (08/15/2008)
On the subject of remembering that it could be worse, let's roll on back to those bygone years when a little lame company called TROMA was still trying like mad to be a legitimate, mainstream company (albeit a silly one). And to think that at the same time they would release a bus station seat cushion stain like
Fortress of Amerikkka! Talk about missing the point, man. Talk about Cheap.
It's like my dad, man. Growing up, the guy wouldn't spend a dime! I mean my dad would buy ONLY what was on sale! We lived at the day old bread store! $200,000 a year and we're at the "Eat it it's Green!" bread store! What the hell? Twinkies that crunched, man! And the cereal! A part of the box ripped out you could see the bag! The friggin Cap'n Crunch riddle already figured out on the back! Secret Decoder Ring in some dead language... it was incredible! He just broke down and started buying the generic stuff that didn't even have a box... just those sticky rubbery knockoffs! Puffed Riceys, Vomitous Mass Flakes, Cow Chips... You get the idea. The man had 8 cars and that's what we ate for breakfast! He would buy balogna on sale and then freeze it! He could live forever without shopping! Any time he got fresh vegetables he's freeze them too! It was incredible! Ziplock (or their generic counterpart) bags full of some red liquid that once was a tomato, for example! And then we'd eat balogna sandwiches! They'd be frozen in the middle! I asked him once for a pair of shoes... he took us to the largest shopping center in the state and I asked him for a pair of shoes and he said that wasn't what this was about! He actually brought us to a town in which every place was a store (a 3 hour drive mind you) and he bought NOTHING! Every store he said "We're just looking." Huh? When we got back to town damned if he didn't buy a new... helicopter or something... it was incredible!
But if you think that's Cheap and Missing the Point, then you should watch Fortress of Amerikkka which will re-define both points for you quite nicely, thank you very much.
Okay, okay, okay, I take it back! NOTHING should make you watch Fortress of Amerikkka! NOTHING!
The week The X-Files: Fight the Future came out in theatres was the week I got married. Now, it's 10 years later and there's a new X-Files movie... and I'm still married to the same woman.
The week The X-Files: I Want to Believe was released in theatres was the week we moved into our first house as home owners. (Moving is hell, so forgive me for not having a new review up for ten days.)
I can only hope that this one is successful, because if there's a third film... I'm thinking we'll... win the lottery or something.
But until then, enjoy the 2008 release of The X-Files: I Want to Believe, and I'll see you in the next reel.
(I don't even play the Lottery!)
You may all hate me for this one... I'm not sure I'm a big fan of myself for it, either... but hear me out before casting the stones at your Joking Critic... The Dark Knight... good... not quite great. Aw, man, I can practically SMELL the hate mail (07/18/2008)
So, what's next on the agenda for WorldsGreatestCritic.com, now that we're breaking from seasons and can review anything I want?
Why, bad Italian Horror movies, of course. Incidentally and speaking of, I noticed a while back that some reader added a link to this site on to Wikipedia's article on "Cult Movies" (no, it wasn't me). Then I noticed this week somebody took that link off. Like there's any crazier Cult site than this one.
Well, Wiki-haters, I condemn you all to...
The Other Hell (07/16/2008)
I'm sure both my readers are wondering... what's the next season?
Okay, readership has been huge... I guess I can't refer to "both" my readers anymore when readership is in the tens of thousands...
Anyway, what's the next season? Well, to paraphrase Cedric the Entertainer... "Ain't no more seasons. Just Mashed Potatoes and Corn!"
Or, to paraphrase Dave Chappelle, "It's not a new Season... it's just REGULAR-ASS KNEUMSI!"
But, true to form, I will now link my Year of the Unseasonal (ah, shit, now I've given it a name) to my last Season with... a Hunter S. Thompson documentary.
Suck up to Buy the Ticket, Take the Ride: Hunter S. Thompson on Film. Take what you've been given and like it, pink boy! (07/13/2008)
INDIE INTERLUDE: Here's a secret I haven't kept too well for the last 24 hours... today is the last day of 2008's Indie and Spring! We ran exactly from 04/07/08 to 07/04/08... there's such Balance on this site! Yep... The end of the Season of Independents takes place... on Independence Day... And you wondered what was with the little Alien Dude in front of the American Flag! Nothing celebrates the American, Independent Spirit like Independent Films! Which makes it all the more ironic that the only 5 star review of the season was a flick from Hungary!
Okay, back to the lack of surprises... Would you believe that the final review of Indie and Spring would be yet another in the fractured Documentary Streak? You would, huh? Ah, but would you believe that this one is actually an independent documentary about... Hunter S. Thompson? No surprises there either, huh? Okay, this one isn't exactly about Hunter, though he does play an instrumental role in this film's document of American Justice lost and American Justice regained!
Check out Free Lisl - Fear and Loathing in Denver for the rest of the story.
Happy Fourth of July, everyone! Celebrate Independence Day and Independent's Day.
INDIE INTERLUDE: Well, we're still here on Independents Day. No, that's not a misprint... I'm closing out the season of Independent Films on Independence Day! Anybody else going to miss Indie and Spring! Make a film, you will.
Chris Hansen has, in fact this, the second-to-last flick of Indie and Spring, is his second film to be featured on WorldsGreatestCritic.com!
It's called Clean Freak... and it's not exactly what I'd call... a dirty movie.
INDIE INTERLUDE: Happy 4th of July, 2008, everyone. What better way to celebrate the 232nd anniversary of the founding of our great nation (not to mention the end of the Season of Seasons and Indie and Spring), than with an All-American, Southern Fried Indie Flick (from a very unlikely source).
Yes, folks, today is the last day of the season... What better day to end the season on which I celebrate Independent Films than INDEPENDENCE DAY?
Do what you want today... I'm hanging out with Adam and Angelina at the... Bowlin' Alley!
INDIE INTERLUDE: I launched 2008's Indie and Spring with Cannibal Flesh Riot, a film that had been sent to me nearly a year prior.
As I prepared to close out 2008's Indie and Spring (last day is tomorrow, folks), I couldn't fail to review a film called Awaken the Dead which, like Cannibal Flesh Riot seemed like a movie that would be right up my alley... and hey, I wasn't sent that movie all that long ago, was I?
Then I looked up the contact email... which was sent on Saturday, August 04, 2007. I... I suck. So much for me being a "Friend to the Indies". Sigh, read about Awaken the Dead, a film that was not yet released when I received the screener... but is now available on DVD. Go get Awaken the Dead!
The Summer Season is upon us... which means I'd better close out the Spring Reviews, huh?
Anyway, before we get into the new Star Wars and X-Files movies, there's another curious little Science Fiction Gem that I simply love... it's called WALL·E and it's from the one studio that has yet to throw a Misfire. Thank you, Pixar! (06/29/2008)
INDIE INTERLUDE: Yep, we've got a bit of Indie and Spring 2008 to get through before we're done... yeah, I know, I know it's Summer... but this just means you get MORE of those Ultra Indie Reviews that you can't read anywhere else.
This time, we're talking about D.O.D.: Dead on Delivery, by Damien Sage.
Yeah, go figure, this season I get to review films by a guy named "ATTILA" AND a guy named "DAMIEN". Let's hope I didn't piss these guys off!
So, how is D.O.D.: Dead on Delivery? Does Damien Sage of the Clan Sage give us a Delivery that is Dead-On? Read The Review and find out!
My wife's favorite actor is Robert Downey, Jr., which made the fact that his latest flick Iron Man was released on her Birthday all that much cooler.
Cooler than that was the related film that came out on our 10th Anniversary, also featuring Robert Downey, Jr. (this time in a brief cameo)...
Yep, I'm talking about The Incredible Hulk, featuring our favorite Emerald Gladiator, Green Goliath, Olive Onslaught, Seafoam Superhero... I... I'd better stop.
The Hulk on the other hand... is unstoppable!
(Monday the 16th of June 2008)
Well, another year, another Friday the 13th! That means it's time for yet another Jason Voorhees review.
But which one this time (since I threw the "order" of these flicks out the door a long time ago!)?
During Operation Sci-Fall 2006 I reviewed the one Sci-Fi entry into the series and during The Winter of Wit, I reviewed the funniest one in the series. How to handle a Friday the 13th during Indie and Spring?
And this is no ordinary Friday the 13th either. For the first time in years, Friday the 13th actually falls on Jason's own Birthday (June 13, 2008 would be his 62nd birthday... and he looks TERRIBLE for his age). It's also my 10th Wedding Anniversary.
So, how about we review the one movie that attempted to explain Jason, from birth to rebirth? How about we review the first Jason movie since the change of hands from Paramount to New Line (formerly an Independent film house)? Yeah... yeah, I think that'll do nicely. Then I can forget all this and just concentrate on my wife!
And now for a review of a movie that doesn't do at ALL nicely: Jason Goes to Hell: The Final Friday! Burn it up!
(Friday the 13th of June 2008)
Ah, well, another year, another BAD HORROR REMAKE!!!
Yeah, this year even Prom Night gets the business in the new Prom Night, from the writer of The Slayer. What? What, that doesn't make you want to see it?
DOCUMENTARIAN INDIE INTERLUDE During Operation Sci-Fall 2006 there was an entire month during which I didn't post any new Science-Fiction reviews, instead partying and concert-going with my best friend... in short... this little break from Indie and Spring is hardly a ripple in still water.
But back to the independent documentaries... here's one more... relating (mostly) to Hunter S. Thompson, no less, and from the same director as the last Hunter S. Thompson Documentary I reviewed.
This one's called When I Die and it details the final wishes and (lack of) resting place for Doctor Gonzo himself. Check, check, check it OUT!
Hey, I owe you all some more Independent Documentaries, still... WHILE WE'RE YOUNG, right?
In due time, in due time, I say.
You say, "Due Time?" We've already passed the two year anniversary of the beginning of the Summer of Horror... doesn't that mean this whole Indie and Spring thing should be winding down?
Folks, we've got ALL the TIME in the WORLD! We're still young... Here's proof:
Young At Heart, the independent documentary about Old Folks singing Rock!
More Indie and Spring to come... I promise!
HUNGARIAN INDIE INTERLUDE: Methinks I'll put the breaks on Indie and Spring's Documentary Streak, seeing as how more INDIEMENTARIES are rolling in... I'll just pepper them out through the rest of this Eggplant of a Season. Not like I didn't interrupt it anyway with my bizarre inclusion of the latest Indiana Jones flick... don't forget, my rules, I make 'em up!
In the mean time I'd like to introduce you to one of the best independent films and one of the best short films I've ever had the pleasure of reviewing. I tried to think of some reason to give this one less than the full Five Stars, but I simply can't do it. This is a very, very good movie and all five stars are shining.
Check out the Hungarian Ultra-Indie Most látszom most nem látszom (AKA: Now you see me, Now you Don't. But look sharp, if you don't catch that glimpse you might not see it at all.
Happy Memorial Day, everyone. My new video is the story of the dark path Butters Stotch walked down to become Professor Chaos and the Havoc he wrought afterward.
Can the heroic Tweek save the day, or will he have mercy on his friend? (05/26/2008)
INDIANA JONES INTERLUDE: Yeah, this is pretty gosh darned far from being an Independent Film, what with the resources of Lucasfilm, ltd., the distribution of Paramount Pictures and the director's chair of Steven Spielberg... But Indie and Spring's Documentary Streak is taking a break for a celebration of a DIFFERENT kind of Indie... Indy!
Call it Indy and Spring 2008!!! Don't forget, folks, my rules, I make 'em up!
Yes, Yes... It's opening day of Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull and I've not only seen it, but reviewed it. It's 9:15 AM, folks!
You ever notice how in every video The Bangles' guitarist looks just HUGE, like some massive AMAZON? Well, she's not. Actually, it's because Susanna Hoffs is tiny. Tiny and Hot. Yes, still.
They all, are, actually. Apparently, so am I because some guy decided to get a little fresh at the show. I like feel this pressure on my shoulder and I look over to see what it is and it's HALF OF SOME GUY'S FACE! Realizing my shoulder's being kissed, I step forward, turn and wave a dismissive hand, mouthing the word "No!". That'd do it, right? After all, I was at Gay Pride, so the assumption was valid enough, I guess. Presumptuous as hell (even if I was gay, what makes this dude so sure I would've been interested?), but valid. And not being a homophobe of any kind I figured, hell... let it go. Till the dude put his hands around my waist.
A more vehement "No!" was the result.
Ladies, ladies, ladies of all kinds, if I ever came on too strong, I sincerely apologize. Not that I didn't know how it felt before, but I guess I needed a reminder.
But... it didn't ruin my enjoyment of seeing
The Bangles Live at Long Beach Pride! Huzzah!
INDIE INTERLUDE: Argh! Two Hollywood flicks in a row! Lest we forget that we're still in the midst of Indie and Spring, not to mention in the midst of the DOCUMENTARY STREAK, it's time to get back to it and have another taste of those Indies.
Yes, we're moving on with another Independent Documentary Film, sliding into the fast lane to pass Hunter Weeks in a convertible with Hunter S. Thompson... and the "Taste" in question would be, of course, Breakfast with Hunter. Man, that's one Gonzo meal! Pass the Fear and Loathing!
Any question that Lost has become big enough to work as an obscure reference was dashed last night when I saw a temporarily crippled kid jump up into Matthew Fox's face and scream "Do not tell me what I Can't Do!" in the new movie Speed Racer! I was like "Dude, that's a John Locke reference, isn't it?"
But I digress... Speed Racer! Fast Cars, Faster Cars, even Faster Cars... Good... but not quite great! (05/10/2008)
One would think that with technology incredible enough to allow a pilot to fly without the plane somehow somebody could make Voice Recognition Software that was worth a damn. Look, idiots, if you have to repeat things over and over only to get the faux-friendly voice saying "I didn't get that!", you should seriously consider bringing Touch Tone back.
Well, it seemed to work okay for Tony Stark in the well done comic book adaptation Iron Man! That guy's giving commands like mad and all his robots are just doing it. Hell, he even uses the Voice Dial on his helmet-based Cell Phone and it totally works. That's it, folks, I'm going to go change clothes now. I wonder if ol' Tony has licensed that design for mass market. Either way, check out Iron Man and its review that might take you longer to read than the Novelization. (05/05/2008)
INDIE INTERLUDE: In fact... let's kick off one of my infamous "Streaks" this time out... who's ready for a Documentary Streak? Well that's what you're getting, starting with 10 MPH, a film about driving cross country on a unique transport very, very, very slowly.
And considering the fact that I was given 10 MPH in MAY of 2007 to review and I'm just now posting it shows you that I, myself, have been going at about 10 MPH when it comes to the Ultra Indies.
Look, folks, those Seventy-Four Reviews from the list of Video Nasties weren't going to write themselves, now were they?
Yes, Yes... Indie and Spring 2008 is all about Atonement!
Check out 10 MPH! Independent at any speed!
INDIE INTERLUDE: I was first turned on to this movie, Train Ride, by a correspondent who shared an admiration for the prolific actress Esther Rolle.
Train Ride was her last screen appearance and she really made it count.
Yes, after all the film and TV she had done, Esther Rolle's last film was an Ultra-Indie. You'll see why she chose to make this movie, too. It was worth her time to make and worth your time to watch.
Train Ride! Catch it!
INDIE INTERLUDE: First I said I was quitting, then I said I had "Academic Burnout", then I don't post anything for 8 days.
Well, notice this, Baystate Blues, COME ON DOWN! You're the next Ultra Indie on Indie and Spring 2008!
Who loves ya?
INDIE INTERLUDE: You remember back in College when Finals Week would come up and you'd be cramming and cramming and studying and going over notes and pushing gallons of knowledge into your shot-glass sized brain and it all pays off because you do, you know, pretty damned well on your finals but afterward you've got academic burnout to such a degree that the very sight of a math problem or a sentence diagram can send you into a Sonic Tizzy the likes of which haven't been seen since Three's Company got cancelled?
That's kind of me after the Winter of Weird. Hence my nigh-on week off after that April Fool's prank.
So I'm basically kicked back in train stations reading the best of Archie, Jughead, Betty & Veronica, Reggie of Riverdale and Archie's Super Teens! Man, I tell you... this week ol' Arch has to decide whether to fix his Jalopy or lend Juggy some money for a Double Hamburger. What will he choose? Ha, ha, ha!
But back to the Ultra Indies.
Here's a pretty good one from some upwardly mobile Canadian auteur-type guys that have only been waiting for their Independent Flick to be reviewed for two months and change, meaning they have not yet jumped on the "Fuck Kneumsi" bandwagon.
Check out Confusions of an Unmarried Couple, our latest feature in Indie and Spring 2008!
It's a Festival of Funny Dialogue!
INDIE INTERLUDE: Actually, does it count as an "Interlude" if that's the main path?
Slightly less than a year ago (and I mean... SLIGHTLY less) I was sent a copy of a comedy/ horror short called "Cannibal Flesh Riot" with a request for a review.
I'm a terrible human being and I must pay for my misdeeds.
Featuring the Ultra Indies is what this Season is all about, though, so what better time is there than now to feature this unique film from the surreal mind of Gris Grimley.
As is common, I could use a bridge between this season and last season. What better bridge could there be between the 2008 Winter of Weird and Indie and Spring 2008 than Cannibal Flesh Riot? Oh, and, trust me, folks, it's not what you're thinking. Don't judge and Indie by its title!
INDIE INTERLUDE: I said I'd give you a day to catch up before I launched the next season... It's been damned near a week. I call that Generous, you call it Lazy!
From just about the beginning of WorldsGreatestCritic.com, Ultra-Independent Film Makers have seen this handmade site and felt enough of a kinship to send me their movies for review. It started out pretty slow, then the flood increased to the point that I have a constantly shifting stack of Indies to review. But I had all these "Seasons" to get through.
Summer of Horror 2006 led to Operation Sci-Fall 2006, which begat Winter of Wit 2007, which overlapped with Spring into Action 2007 which fed the Dog Days of Summer 2007, which kicked off the Video Nasty boom that continued in Fall... in Love with a Video Nasty 2007 and concluded in the 2008 Winter of Weird!
Sure a lot of these seasons did feature an Ultra-Indie or two, but the odds were that if your film didn't fit into these seasons, I wouldn't have time. I suck.
Naturally many Independent Filmmakers have started wondering just who in the name of Timothy Fuck I think I am. So what am I to do? The answer is simple... I'll launch a new season devoted to them specifically, celebrating the Ultra Indies I have reviewed, the Ultra Indies I've been waiting to review and the new Ultra Indies that are being submitted to me right now.
Introducing: Indie And Spring, a celebration of the Worlds Greatest Critic's ULTRA INDIES!
Aw, man! You BOUGHT that? No way! I was just bullshittin'! And you know this... Man! I ain't goin' nowhere!
Oh, what, what, was taking the entire WorldsGreatestCritic.com site down in favor of a heart-breaking Goodbye Note in bad taste? Folks, I'm the guy who put a review of Horton Hears a Who right in between reviews of El Topo and Cannibal Holocaust!
Here, I'll give you a day to catch up on the reviews before I introduce our next season. Welcome back, Cutter!
HAH, "someone else's vision"... really... (April 02, 2008)
Here it is, at long last, the final review of the 2008 Winter of Weird and the final review of the Video Nasties, posted almost four full years after my first Video Nasty review (which was Zombie Flesh Eaters, incidentally)!
This one (the 55th Video Nasty reviewed, but the 74th posted) plays like a summation of the entire list. It was believed by many to be a real, live Snuff Film (to the point that the director was actually arrested and charged with Murder), it's a Cannibal Film, it features sexualized violence and actual animals killed (horribly)... everything but the Nazis (and I hate Nazis) and its publicity and controversy helped to bring about the Video Nasty Bans in the first place! What's it called? Say it with me:
Cannibal Holocaust! I can think of no better way to sum up the Nasties or the Winter of Weird than this. Be warned... Cannibal Holocaust will not read like a celebration, nor will watching it make you feel particularly good. But it is the last film of this season. The Last Video Nasty on my list and... Well, today is the end of a lot of things.
Cannibal Holocaust... Good Night and Goodbye.
This is our final day of the 2008 Winter of Weird and I still haven't reviewed Horton Hears a Who yet.
As much of a travesty as that is, I can make sure we all avoid another big travesty with the inclusion of this next review... for:
EL TOPO, one of the weirdest films you could ever hope to survive. What would the Winter of Weird be without this one? Of course there are probably many more that you're wondering why I didn't review. Well, there were a lot on the list and it's hard to get to them all. Sorry folks, but today is the very, very last day. Ah, well, enjoy EL TOPO while you can!
How in the WORLD can I possibly follow up a review like the one for Lifeforce?
Why with Faces of Death, of course!
Yes, folks, once more tonight into the Video Nasties, continuing (and, depending on how you look at it... closing) our Reality Streak of the Final Fall of the Video Nasties... which, in turn, is heralding the end of the 2008 Winter of Weird!
Faces of Death is part mockumentary, part documentary, all shockumentary and though it's the 74th Video Nasty review I wrote, it's actually the 73rd Video Nasty posted to this site... which leaves... only one more! Process of elimination will reveal it all, folks, but if you want to be surprised, stay tuned till tomorrow to find out what my 74th and final Video Nasty review will be!
(It's actually the 55th one I wrote!)
Winter of Weird ends tomorrow, along with a great many other things... face their deaths starting with the Video NastyFaces of Death.
How about another WEIRD, but not NASTY entry into the 2008 Winter of Weird, which is almost at its close.
You ever have a movie that everybody tells you is the movie for you, but you've never watched it, and you never knew why? Apparently for me that movie was Lifeforce an incredibly weird movie about Space Vampires invading Earth to create Zombies and have sex. Lifeforce!
If you've ever read any of my reviews, you can see why... this is most assuredly, my movie! The rest of you are probably thinking, dude, he's never watched Lifeforce? Lifeforce!
Just when you thought it was Safe to go back to the What's New page...
I'm throwing more Video Nasties at you. Hey, only three left to go (out of Seventy-Four!!!).
Just as Exposé gave us the realistic story of a quest to snuff out a jackass (and closed the Grindhouse Streak in the process), this next movie gives us a great deal of controversy and protests, not to mention a few hundred urban legends of its own... all the while kicking off our last streak in the Final Fall of the Video Nasties: The Reality Streak.
Here's Snuff, the little movie that would have you believe it's a real snuff film... but if you'll believe that, you'll believe anything!
So much for the (Grind)House Streak. Let's step out of the house and into the woods... in fact, away from the Video Nasties for our next Weird Flick.
If you thought weird films were featured in the 2008 Winter of Weird so far, you haven't seen anything yet. Check out the Action Zombie Thriller known as:
That's all I'm saying.
Da "House Streak" is in Da House! The Grindhouse that is! Hey, I should've called it... Da Hizzle Streak... or even... Da Hizzle Streazzle! Yezzle!
Okay, maybe not.
And now, for a SUPER HOT Video Nasty to both continue and conclude our "Hizzle Streazzle"!
The 71st Posted Video Nasty to WorldsGreatestCritic.com is called
House on Straw Hill... but this psychotic hyper-sexualized horror-drama was known in England around the time of its Banning as Exposé! And you'll see why.
After this there are only THREE MORE Video Nasties on the DPP list of 74 to EXPOSE! Bear up with me for them, the next streak and... more weirdness...
The "House Streak" of our 2008 Winter of Weird's Final Fall of the Video Nasties now continues with a truly Ghastly little movie from 1968, dearies, not 1948... or 1868 for that matter... known as Blood Rites in England (where it was Banned for Obscenities), but is known in the land of the Red, White and Blue as The Ghastly Ones!
Don't let the year of release fool you, this is neither the Summer of Love, nor the Prudish Establishment. But... it does suck like an Electrolux.
So, The House on the Edge of the Park both got us clear of our Revenge Streak and opened up for us our next streak... which took a HUGE amount of imagination on my part.
It's the "House Streak"... because they all have to do... with... houses. Yeah, I was up all nigh-, no, wait, WEEK thinking that one up. Man... 2008's Video Nasty Reviews, dude...
With the exception of Tenebrae's shadowy emergence, we started with the Nazisploitation Streak, then hit the Animal Crap streak, then right on into the Cannibal Exploitation streak, flipping squarely into our Slasher Streak, which brought us into our Revenge Streak... and now... "The House Streak".
That's... that's brilliant. How Mensa hasn't drafted me yet is a mystery that the combined skills of Holmes and Poirot couldn't solve.
Ah, forget it... Just read about Madhouse, the next/ first entry into our House Streak!
VENGEANCE IS MINE... for one more review.
Yes, our Revenge Streak of the 2008 Winter of Weird closes with the un-unravelable Epic of Revenge:
The House on the Edge of the Park!
It also sets up our next (admittedly lame) streak, which will slam the door on the Revenge Streak...
So, I guess... VENGEANCE WAS MINE!
Well, this one doesn't compute!
If you thought Viruses were bad, you should check out the next Video Nasty in our Revenge Streak. This one doesn't bother with Viruses... This computer is POSSESSED BY DEMONS!
I wonder if the folks at Norton or McAffee have an upgrade for that!
You might need an upgrade for wackiness, too, though, because this one's about a nerdy kid using his possessed PC to take revenge on the Bullies who hosed him at Military School. And it's NOT by posting nude pictures of their girlfriends on Facebook!
DARE YOU CLICK THIS LINK TO READ ABOUT EVILSPEAK?
Because Island of Death was kind (or vengeful) enough to break us into our Revenge Streak, we can now continue with another of the most notorious Video Nasties:
I Spit on Your Grave!
If you're not familiar with it, I'll tell you what I told my best friend when she discovered that her sleazy room-mate had a copy... "Don't start with this one!"
Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear!
What lies beyond the Bay of Blood? The Island of Death, of course!
Yes, Yes, Yes, our Slasher Streak both continues and concludes with a... Greek... Horror... Movie.
A Greek Horror Movie... called Island of Death!
It's a naked romp across the Greek islands that gets totally ruined by murder, bigotry and revenge.
Hey, that means Island of Death also sets up our next streak in the Final Fall of the Video Nasties... The Revenge Streak! Get ready... because the 2008 Winter of Weird is almost at its close!
Well, that's enough Cannibal Exploitation, let's get back to the Video Nasties (those of you in the know... be patient).
Our last Video Nasty was Rosso Sangue (you may know it as either Zombie 6 or Absurd). Rosso Sangue literally translates from the Italian to "Red Blood", which gives us a perfect bridge into our next VIDEO NASTY streak, the SLASHER streak, starting with:
Blood Feast, the absolute oldest film on the List.
It also links well with our last streak because... well, as the title suggests, it's got its fair share of cannibalism.
And for those of you celebrating Easter today (like I am)... Blood Feast is so shockingly Technicolor, you might just be fooled into thinking you're dying eggs!
So enjoy (if you can) Blood Feast, the first in our "Slasher Streak" series, helping to close out WorldsGreatestCritic.com's final weeks of the Winter of Weird 2008 and bring about the final fall of the video nasties.
I guess we can call this the "holocaust" mini-streak within our The Cannibal Exploitation streak during WorldsGreatestCritic.com's final weeks of the Winter of Weird 2008!
Just as with Jungle Holocaust before it, Zombi Holocaust was so close to being banned in the UK as a Video Nasty, it could practically taste it. But... it escaped unscathed.
I theorize that this is, in part, due to the fact that the censors got bored watching it and gave it a defacto pass, turning it off half way through. That's too bad, as our lead's incredible clad-only-in-paint scenes only grace the final act! Dude. So hot.
Those of you nostalgic for Zombi 2 can likewise be comforted by this film, as Zombi Holocaust is primarily the same damned thing!
The Cannibal Exploitation streak continues now as we seek to close out WorldsGreatestCritic.com's Winter of Weird 2008!
And you true-fans know just what's next, right? After all, there is only one Cannibal Exploitation Flick left on the list of Video Nasties that I haven't reviewed yet! I'll give you a hint... It's directed by a man named Deodato...
If you guessed Cannibal Holocaust, then you are absolutely... WRONG!
In fact, this next film isn't even a Video Nasty.Instead, let's take a look at the film that came so close to being a Video Nasty that tons of people have assumed it was one... Folks, come and listen to my story 'bout Ultimo Mondo Cannibale, perhaps better known by its international English title Last Cannibal World, or its US Cash-In title: Jungle Holocaust. Three words describing why you SHOULD watch this:
Me... Me... Lai!
The Cannibal Exploitation streak of the 2008 Winter of Weird's "Final Fall of the Video Nasties" continues now with the very strange entry onto the list and into the genre known as Cannibal Apocalypse, Apocalypse Domani, Invasion of the Fleshhunters and a whole fuckload of other names. In fact, it is, by my estimation, the most renamed flick on the whole list of Nasties.
Pick a name, any name, don't show me what it is!
Seriously, please don't. I'm burned out, people, burned out!
Boy am I glad I'm finally done with all those horrible NazisploitationVideo Nasties so that I can finally get back to reviewing all those horrible Cannibal ExploitationVideo Nasties!
And now that I'm finally done with that insane "Animal Crap" streak, I can really make good on that promise... starting now...
So, just as our Nazisploitation Streak linked directly into the Animal Crap streak (from La Bestia In Calore to La Maldición de la bestia), the final flick in the Animal Crap streak, Night of the Bloody Apes links directly into the first flick of our Cannibal streak:
Not just because they have "Blood" in the title either... but also because they're both terrible. This one was released (and banned) in the UK as "Forest of Fear", which doesn't quite as immediately scream "TURKEY!" as loud as "Bloodeaters" does, but that doesn't help the content much. Gotta love this, man. Stoned Hippie Zombies in a movie written and directed by a high-priced Lawyer.
INDIE INTERLUDE: It's beginning to look a lot like SPRING... but the 2008 Winter of Weird is still in Full Swing! Now, back to the Independent Films... Like The Final Patient, a well done picture with good ideas and a very good lead, but not quite enough budget to get it over the finish line. Still... considering all... I rather dig it.
Everyone knows it's BUTTERScotch.
Let's take a hard-earned and much needed break from this season with the well-oiled machine known as There Will Be Blood. You had to be aware that there would be a review! (03/13/2008)
I also indicated that I was done with those damned Nazisploitation flicks... but as a stop-gap measure, I'm throwing in a couple of movies I hate to spice us all up as we roll through the final month of the 2008 Winter of Weird.
Here's a weird, morally reprehensible and devoid-of-grace piece of horse shit called Ilsa, Harem Keeper of the Oil Sheiks the first, and probably worst sequel to the joyless Ilsa, She Wolf of the SS.
Although it's not really Nazisploitation this time, it's more of the same until they try to top themselves, creating a nauseating blend of cheese, corn and crap. Don't bother with this one. I'm watching bad movies so you don't have to.
When discussing what the perfect Guy Pearce movie would be to feature in the 2008 Winter of Weird, the obvious choice was Memento.
But as you're well aware, "Obvious" isn't something I often do.
So, please sit down for the 1999 FEAST known as RAVENOUS... Actually, now that I think about it... Animal Crap... Cannibal Crap? That is kind of obvious, isn't it? Well, read it anyway... and don't forget that
"As your body grows bigger, your mind grows flowers, it's great to learn 'Cause KNOWLEDGE IS POWER!"
Mom, Mom, Mom... Remember how you freaked out at the sight of the poster for The Funhouse? Well, trust me... don't read this review because... damn!
The rest of you, get ready for Kneumsi's take on RAVENOUS...
Last night my daughter and I trekked to the Nuart Theatre in Los Angeles for one of those rare movies that I simply refuse to miss! Give up? George A. Romero's Diary of the Dead, now in theatrical release!
Plus Romero himself was there to introduce the film in a rare appearance with a promised Q&A session to follow.
I had started the whole story about meeting the guy in person... which didn't happen, of course. He came, we applauded (on our feet, of course), he introduced the film and left faster than a Zombie in a Snyder flick! So... that's the story. But if it's any consolation, here are some lovely photos (though, none of him here)... plus, my glowing review is extra long, baby! So... brew coffee!
Clockwise from left:
The Nuart Marquee featuring one killer Flick!
Luckily we got there early... RIGHT AFTER CHURCH!
My daughter, Alex, prepping for the unknown.
The BLAST promising Uncle George's appearance in person!
More Weirdness? Okay!
A band called "PHOENIX CLUB" once opened for the Star Doors... that was before they became "A FIRE INSIDE SIMPLE MINDS", of course. Basically what this means is that by combining AFI's "Days of the Phoenix" with just a tad of "Don't You Forget About Me" and "Helter Skelter" I've now become the MILLIONTH disaffected '80s kid to upload a Breakfast Club Video (with apologies to John Hughes).
What do you get when you mix Anakin Skywalker with Henry the Serial Killer, Mace Windu, Billy Elliot and the naked lady from Unfaithful?
Apparently you get the Sci-Fi, Action Thriller Jumper! Put your Jumper on and check it out, kids! (02/17/2008)
INDIE INTERLUDE: Thank heavens for WEIRD INDIES... like this one.
This episode from a half-hour horror/ mystery/ sci-fi anthology is no throwback to Tales from the Crypt... No, it's a throwback all the way to The Twilight Zone. With that in mind it's a great short film in its own right that manages to be both classically inspired and post-modern at the same time. A big 2008 Winter of WeirdHUZZAH! goes out to The Realm of Never: Moratorium! (02/15/2008)
Weird Surprises certainly qualify for the 2008 Winter of Weird and the success of a certain fake documentary from the late 1990s certainly is a surprise.
The movie itself? 100% Weird. Though, sadly, not 100% Entertaining. And, while it's true that The Blair Witch Project is a variation on something that has already been done, pretty much all that needs to be said about The Blair Witch Project has already been said, so... both the film and my review were unnecessary. (02/12/2008)
You want weird? Well check out my latest VIDEO EDIT.
I'm barely in it, but you might recognize this classic band from a long time ago.
They're called... the Star Doors and here they are with their biggest hit "Set the Night on Fire"!
There are all kinds of ways I considered introducing this next review.
It's yet another of those really crappy Nazisploitation flicks (unsurprisingly, I've yet to find a good one), but this one was notlisted as a video nasty, which means I didn't HAVE to watch or review it. I figured I'd be remiss if I didn't review one of the biggest of the entire genre, so that the rest of the degenerate story can be told.
I hate Nazis, man.
But this way I can get them all completed and out of the way during the Winter of Weird and get back to things I like writing about.
You know me, I'm watching BAD MOVIES so you don't have to!!!
Well, good news, notoriety or not, you now don't have to watch Ilsa, She Wolf of the SS. I wish I hadn't. (02/07/2008)
And now for something completely different...
The beautiful thing about Winter of Weird is that it's always about something different.
Moving away from the pack is this surreal film based on the true story of a celebrity who finds himself almost completely paralyzed due to a massive stroke. So he writes a book. That's what I'd do, actually... but doing it his way... wow!
Check out Le Scaphandre et le papillon or, as it has been released in the US: The Diving Bell and the Butterfly! This is scary, man! (02/03/2008)
It's a good thing that these "Ultra Indies" are so commonly "Weird", because that allows me to make good on a lot of owed INDIE INTERLUDEs during this, The 2008 Winter of Weird!
And now for a completely unexpected next film from ol' "Alex F." (Cue Beverly Hills Cop theme here).
It's a prequel to an upcoming feature and the second riff (so far) on a theme introduced over the summer with Cyn. It's called Red Princess Blues Animated: The Book of Violence and it reads like a cool comic book. That can be good and it can be bad, but it's always beautiful. (01/29/2008)
We break now for an INDIE INTERLUDE while keeping one rolling strong with The 2008 Winter of Weird!
I get to review a lot of Independent Films and even the "Ultra Indies" that I've been lucky enough to be among the first to see. I'm not an easy grader either, though I recognize what it takes to put together a good, experimental film on a shoestring budget.
In the case of Crimson, my review has taken on a strange turn, mostly because I know that this film could have been better than it was, being familiar with the work of its creators. By no means was this written with a mind to hurt feelings. Instead it was written with a mind to knowing this bump in the road doesn't equate to a broken bridge.
Check out Crimson, the experimental vampire movie with a new edge that could have been much better. (01/26/2008)
For my first actual review of a 2008 Film, I'm lucky enough to get a movie that almost perfectly exemplifies The 2008 Winter of Weird!
Cloverfield! The Giant Monster Movie packed with CGI and filmed in that crazy cinema verite style that remains so shrouded in mystery, its first trailers (and posters) didn't even carry the film's name! What's more, I'm STILL spoiler free on this one.
A buddy of mine emailed me while I was writing the review, I opened it, didn't look, hit CTRL+F, typed in "CLOVER" and hit ENTER. When the Search wasn't rejected I said "I shan't be reading this one!"
See Cloverfield, if for no other reason than to see the new preview for Star Trek! And if you decide to stay through the credits... Bring Dramamine!
Jol yIchu! (01-18-08)
Sometimes the future is so bright you gotta wear shades... and sunscreen and avoid crucifixes and garlic and...
Matheson told us the story of what happens when the whole world vamps out and the horrific legends of today are inverted. In 2007, the story has been translated to film (for the third time) starring that Fresh Prince kid. It's not the book, but it sure as stakin' ain't so bad. Check out I Am Legend... it neither sucks nor bites!
Would you call a Television Show based on The Terminator, minus its creator a "Weird Idea"?
Perhaps. I would simply call it a BAD idea. They made one, though.
That said, the show really isn't so bad, but it maintains the weirdness. Check out Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles: "Pilot" and "Gnothi Seauton"... You'll love the star.
By the way, you can LITERALLY check it out if you scroll to the bottom of the page.
It was kind of a weird idea to begin with, taking the weird nightmare from one film and putting it up against the weird monster from another film and seeing what happens. The fact that it was first done in a Comic Book adds another layer of weirdness, too.
I'm speaking, of course, of the match up we see again in AVPR. Yes, once more into the bleachers we go to see Aliens (plural this time) battling Predator (still singular). This time whoever wins, the Franchise is still doomed!
The Video Nasties won't dominate all of The 2008 Winter of Weird, but let's face facts... the Video Nasties are almost all "WEIRD"!
This next one is definitely no exception to the rule.
Forty-One Reviews ago or so I stated that there was a reason I was doing so very many Cannibal Film Reviews in a row and that the reason in question would become very clear, very soon.
Apparently I lied... but I'll tell you the reason now: The list of Video Nasties is just NASTY with Nazisploitation flicks... and I hate Nazis. But it's time to get them the hell out of the way.
Be aware, these flicks don't constitute some pro-Reich film festival by any means. In fact, the Nazis always find REVENGE being taken against them. That said they all seem to really suck!
And now for the film said to have started it all: Love Camp 7!
I know, I know, I'm sorry. Look I just review them, I don't make them.
The Dog Days of Summer 2007 were all about the Video Nasties, but I had a lot more to review, so I kept the seasons rolling with Fall... in Love with a Video Nasty which, quite obviously was also all about the Video Nasties! But I'm still not done, so I belabor the whole WorldsGreatestCritic.com "Seasonal" thing with The 2008 Winter of Weird which is, I hate to tell you, also all about the Video Nasties!
For those of you completely burned out on the whole concept and for those of you who wonder why I couldn't review all seventy-four over the summer and end the whole "Different Seasons" thing with the bang of the Video Nasties and for those of you who are wondering why you're still reading, not just this paragraph, but the entire site and for those of you who wonder why an American kid from Louisiana who now lives a stone's throw from Hollywood is reviewing a bunch of films that were banned in England and for those of you who wonder why I made it a point to get through all 35 of the Secondary Video Nasties before I completed the 39 original Video Nasties I dedicate this next review... it's one of the better Video Nasties, partially because it's from none other than sweet, sweet Asia's parents.
Enjoy Tenebrae by Maestro Argento himself and don't bother correcting me on the spelling of that either... I do realize that often it's spelled Tenebre! Just... Just beware of psychotic fans. They tend to Oscilate! No stalkers, please... I've been through that and... ick! (01/06/08)
INTRODUCING: The Next Season of World's Greatest Critic Greatness! The 2008 Winter of Weird! Are you tired of this whole "Season" thing we've been doing since the sixth of June 2006? Me too, but I've got more Video Nasties to review, so deal with it, Pink Boy! How can you deal with this shocker? Well, peace be with you, YOU'RE ALREADY IN IT! The 2008 Winter of Weird Preview-Debuted on December 28, 2007... I just didn't bother telling you! Say, didn't I do that with Spring Into Action? Isn't that kind of cheap and tacky? No! Well... Yes.
DEAL WITH IT, PINK BOY! (01/02/08)
HAPPY NEW YEAR! But why Enjoy this great year that is to come? Instead, why not live in the past a little longer, and stick with your overwhelming nostalgia for 2007! That's right, it's here, the annual Kneumsi Year in Review... Please enjoy The Top and Bottom 7 of 2007... (plus the WTFs)! Or... Don't enjoy them! Fine! See if I care! (01/01/08)
WorldsGreatestCritic.com is a comedy site (to all of you out there who just said "Really?", I hope a Hamster bites you). But one thing on this site that is always taken seriously is the Annual Dead Man of the Year Awards. This year is no different. For our third award, we re-visit a man whose impact on entertainment, this year and beyond is immeasurable. And don't worry, True Believers... this time he's much, much funnier than I am! Enjoy the 2007 Dead Man of the Year Award, which goes to... Well, click and see... (12/31/2007)
For those of you who like Musicals, like Horror and have the stomach for Gore (note: I don't mean former Vice President Al), this one is for you. If you only fall into one of those three (or were expecting Al), you should apply elsewhere. By the way, if you think this long-ass review sucks, you should see the jokes I DIDN'T use! (12/28/2007)
'Tis the day after Christmas and all through my Apt.
Disco is pumping, although I think it's Crap.
My daughter has boggarted herself a new Zune
And has spent fourteen hours just locked in her room
The dance beats kept pumping real loud in my brain
Even much louder than my Commuter Train!
We've just emerged from two full seasons of scares
And the end of the year blitz is ALWAYS a Bear!
For some reason I am quite the punishment glut
It's Christmas Turkey time; I should kick my own butt!
So though I'm at work at my day job until 5
I wrote your Christmas Turkey, so I'll still feel alive!
For too long ago there arrived in the mail
A DVD Movie that told a Mad tale!
A word of foreboding came too on a sign
That read “Can't Stop is the worst movie of all time.”
That was November of 2005
It came with The Beyond (Dude, I’m glad I survived!).
But Beyond I reviewed in less than four weeks
What can I say, I’m a big Horror Geek!
The other was a film to make me sick and you sick
A Disco Autobiography called Can’t Stop the Music!
That year our first Turkey was called Christmas Evil Can’t Stop stayed hidden in my brain like a weevil.
Bad movies reviews flowed much like Zombie Lake
But a Village People movie seemed too hard to take.
The person who sent it admitted it blew
In fact he was quite sure I would think so too!
Over two years have passed since, I sadly do know,
It’s Turkey Time again, and a bad review, I owe!
So on the big day, I tainted my brain
Watching Can’t Stop the Music, oh what a strain!
The cast and crew, I’m sure, all meant us no harm
Still I watched this film with a sense of alarm.
Bad tidings all formed in my brain like a bad shtick
What could be the Future of Can’t Stop the Music?
This future’s dark Christmas was most certainly not Merry
After this flick’s damage, the world was quite scary!
And though Val Perrine got Naked, you know
I still found it quite hard to finish the show!
But I bore through each second, gritting my teeth
Even when all the nude men drew “swords” from their sheaths!
I revised my notion of Can’t Stop real quick.
I thought this a family film, but I just saw his Dick!
Today as I feign work, I write my review
It’s the day after Christmas and I’m Rhyming for you!
And though most of my readers will find this quite lame
It’s your fault for reading, you know I’m insane!
How’d this film avoid being called “Video Nasty” In England where surely they knew this a Travesty?
If you think it cruel to say so, hold on there, Fred Newsweek compared it to Dawn of the Dead!
So Laughing and Smiling, yet holding my nose,
I review The Village People, including Felipe Rose!
And if this means my job (writing while working)
At least Can’t Stop the Music is 2007’s Christmas Turkey!
All Nasty Things must come to an end, and that includes our latest season of FALL... In Love with a VIDEO NASTY!
As promised, so far all of the "Secondary Video Nasties" are complete as of today, Christmas 2007. Complete now, due to the much anticipated review of The Evil Dead, and while you could say that I saved the second for first, you can't say I didn't save the best for last... of the second... which I did first!
Don't fret, folks, we've got the end of the year BLITZ coming up, then, of course, our next season, tentatively called Winter of Weird, during which we will explore some truly bizarre films, including the remainder of the original Video Nasties. But for now, it's 1:28 AM in Tustin, California, it's Christmas and I'm going the fuck to sleep! For you, enjoy The Evil Dead, the Ultimate Experience in Grueling Horror! See you in the next reel! (12/25/2007)
Show of hands... who amongst you is tired of the whole Video Nasty thing?
Well too bad. But here's one that's actually quite good! It's called Shogun Assassin and it's in a class of its own. Check it out... it might just... change... your Life! (12/24/2007)
Merry Christmas Eve, everybody! Thirty-Two of the Secondary Video Nasties down, three to go before we close FALL... In Love with a VIDEO NASTY and move on to our next season (after the End-Of-Year Blitz you know and love).
Better make that two to go after Night Warning! Check it out before it's GAME OVER, MAN!!! (12/24/2007)
From one Master of Horror to another, here's one of Two Video Nasties from Dario Argento... and interestingly enough, both on the list also feature Asia's mom!
This one is called Inferno! It's one of the SECONDARY Video Nasties and it's also the second entry in the "Three Mothers Trilogy", which started with Susperia and just concluded with Mother of Tears: The Third Mother! This one is shocking and mysterious, but folks, it's FAR from NASTY! Inferno... it burns. (12/23/2007)
I get a lot of reader mail in relation to this site, mostly positive. Interestingly enough the most reader mail I get in the neagtive catagory is related to anything and everything I've written about one Tobe Hooper.
Most of it comes from people who are still convicned that The Texas Chain Saw Massacre was real.
The rest comes from those who know The Texas Chain Saw Massacre wasn't real, but are completely confused by the fact that the reviews on this site have so far insulted the lame remake and the stupid fourth entry into the original series, but haven't touched upon the original in any material way. Often they misinterpret all this as an insult to Tobe Hooper himself. None of it is.
But for those of you in either category who have just been itching and itching and itching to offer up some hate mail because you haven't got anything better to do and the alternative is taking out the garbage like your mommy wants you to... Here's your next reason for living... My review of the next Video Nasty from Tobe Hooper: Eaten Alive! (12/23/2007)
Never let it be said that Dr. Kneumsi ain't got the cure for what ails you! This next Video Nasty and I go way back! You could say, it's just what the Slasher ordered!
It's called Visiting Hours, and it's quite the shock therapy treatment for you horror fans who love Hospital Thrillers. It stars Damien Thorn's aunt, Captain Kirk and and Sam Fisher from the Splinter Cell games (not that I... play or anything).
Yep, this is most certainly my movie, and worthy of the one more before the night ends distinction. If you question it, why not take a good look at the "What's New" symbol just above there... ah? That look familiar to you true believers? Ah? AAAAAAH?
Pay a visit to Visiting Hours, folks and see what I'm talking about! Yeah... we go way back, kids!
But enough about ZOMBIES! Some films on the List of Video Nasties are decidedly... ALIEN in nature... and influence... and source material.
I'm speaking, of course variance, of 1983's Xtro, a weird film from weird people about weird aliens and weird happenstances with all kinds of weird weirdness weirding out the whole shebang. Perhaps seeing how VERY bad an Alienripoff can be caused me to go a little easy on Xtro, but then again... Nah!
FALL... In Love with a VIDEO NASTY has been all about Fall, but in a few short days Fall will End and Winter will begin. What does this mean? It means it's COLD OUTSIDE! Well, at least it's cold for most of you. I live in Southern California and right now our winter weather is... 64 degrees. I'm wearing my leather coat and my Wool Scarf, folks!
But for you Horror Fans that ARE frozen, let me offer unto you today's Video Nasty! It's called Frozen Scream, but judging from Quality alone, I'm thinking they should have called it "Frozen Turkey" or "Frozen Bomb" or "Frozen Dog"!
This is another of the 14 Video Nasties that are still banned to this day. Why that is, besides horrifying ineptitude, I'll never know. Decide for yourself, click here for my review of Frozen Scream and get bummed by the banned (but keep your coat on, man)!
A message to all readers in College. "What, are you Nuts? Get off this site and go study!"
For those of you College folks still around, here's my contribution to your Finals Week! Yes, it's one of the Video Nasties and if you thought your time in College was a nightmare, then check out The Dorm that Dripped Blood! If that sounds like what you went through during Rush Hazing, let me confirm that for you, as the British release title was Pranks! (12/18/2007)
And it never ends.
My re-directed focus on the SECONDARY Video Nasties continues now with yet another Women's Prison movie. This time it's from the USA. This time it might even feature some faces you'll recognize... This time it still sucks! Check out my review for Human Experiments and watch the fractured psychology of a mad doctor and his unwilling subjects!
Yeah, I want to kick his ass now too!
When reviewing the Video Nasties two names of Non-exploitation films keep popping up. Both are critically acclaimed, both are far removed from the Video Nasties in all other ways.
For the Cannibal and Jungle Adventure films the film we keep hearing about is A Man Called Horse... but for Revenge thrillers (and more), it's this one: The Virgin Spring!
It's time to stop talking about it and actually review it... click here for my breathtaking review of The Virgin Spring and see what you can learn... beyond just vengeance.
Coming up next is a (Drum Roll) Video Nasty!
This one looked to be completely off the beaten path, but was, in actuality, yet another follower of the Virgin Spring formula. The added element of racism and blaxploitation ups the ante a few notches. There are some surprises here, but the main interesting point here is the exploration of how far you have to be pushed before you Fight For Your Life!
When reviewing the Video Nasties two names of Non-exploitation films keep popping up. Both are critically acclaimed, both are far removed from the Video Nasties in all other ways.
For Revenge thrillers (and more) the film we keep hearing about is The Virgin Spring... but for the Cannibal and Jungle Adventure films, it's this one: A Man Called Horse!
It's time to stop talking about it and actually review it... click here for my biting review of A Man Called Horse and see what you can learn... beyond just escape.
Our next Video Nasty didn't come from ol' "Hey Zeus" Franco! That's the good news.
The bad news is that it came from... OOM-Bear-Toe Lenzi! The good news is that it's an influential and noteworthy film with lots of beautiful women! The bad news is... it's just another Cannibal Flick!
And a Rip Off at that.
But hey, here's some good news! It's not just another rip off of The Virgin Spring! The bad news is that it's just another rip off of another fine film... A Man Called Horse! What's it called? The Man from Deep River amongst other things.
Good times, bad times... The good news is that this is the best flick I've reviewed by Lenzi. The bad news is... that's not saying much! (12/07/2007)
I realize, and have realized for quite some time, that many, nay, most of you have said to yourselves "You know what J.C.'s website lacks? Reviews of Women's Prison movies!"
Well, you all need think such thoughts any more, for here comes your minimum DEADLY allowance of Video Nasties with one of Senior Franco's many, many, many entries into the Women's Prison genre.
It's called (appropriately) Women Behind Bars! Is it HOT? At times it sure can be! Is it Nasty? Yep, this one made the list for a damned good reason! Is the movie any good? Nope! (12/03/2007)
There are a ton of reasons that I saw The Mist on opening day (many of which I recount for you ad nauseum in my review).
There are even more reasons that the review didn't go up before today. What can I say, folks, the Thanksgiving Turkey, the Video Nasties, family in town, friends needing me... plus I have a life... all of that combined to give you this review now. Don't bitch, there are starving people this holiday season who aren't getting any reviews at all! Read my review for Stephen King's The Mist and you'll wish you were one of them! (12/01/07)
Well, it's a rainy day in Southern California, and it's got me thinking about those good times... something... tropical... something... oh, I don't know! For a change of pace, how about something from the
(Look, folks, don't bitch, I've got half of these to go before Christmas and there's no way I'm gonna make it!!!)
Who amongst you is ready for another Cannibal Movie? That few huh? Okay, then... for those of you still here, check out yet another entry from Senior Franco on that list of Nasty Videos... The Devil Hunter... also known as Sexo caníbal! It's also... just about as bad as you could possibly believe! (11/30/2007)
You survived the BITE of the Great White TURKEY, and now it's back to the same old crap! One name that seems to keep appearing on the list of Video Nasties is that of a certain Senior Franco. His nickname was Jess, but his birth name was Jesus. That's about the only thing he's got in common with our Lord and Saviour, though!
Okay, I'll be nice. Franco's contribution (if you can call it that) to the Slasher Genre was known as Bloody Moon! In true Franco Style, there's a bevy of boobs a gigaton of gore and Boat Load of BAD! Is it at all surprising that Franco's exploitation money machine dipped into the slaughter-at-college subgenre of slasher flicks? Not really. The surprising part is that anyone involved in this movie (actor, character, cast or crew) went to College at all! (11/27/2007)
Happy Thanksgiving, everyone. As per Tradition we now present our 2007 Thanksgiving Turkey! Would it surprise you to note that it is not a Video Nasty? In fact, it's something of a sequel to last year's Thanksgiving Turkey. If you ever wondered more about Ricky... now you'll find you weren't alone. If you haven't wondered about that ever, ever, ever, then you're definitely not alone. Happy Holidays and enjoy your Thanksgiving Turkey... Jaws: The Revenge! Oh, that's a bad DOGFISH there! (November 22, 2007)
Supplimental (November 24, 2007): A Sidebar has been Added to the Jaws: The Revenge, celebrating the Razzie Award-winning Special Effects. Take another look and see even more reasons to
STAY OUT OF THE WATER!
Ah, yes, Santa Monica! The Pier, the Stars, the Ocean, the Shops, the... Video Nasty?! If you think that's weird, the fact that the nice lady who played Anne Frank in 1959 gets naked in this next movie might really blow your mind.
But for all of you who are tired of watching all those nasty videos of serial killers stalking innocent women, this is my contribution: The Witch who Came from the Sea! Yeah, she did a lot of other things in the sea too. Nice mermaid, baby! (11/20/2007)
I've got a real thing for "Dr. Girlfriend". There, I said it. Disturbing, isn't it? But enough about that. Now for an EDUCATIONAL Video Nasty! What else could I be talking about, but Terror Eyes? Or, as it was released in the USA: Night School? Taking a page from the Boomtown Rats' remembrance of the exploits of Brenda Ann Spencer, "The lesson today is HOW TO DIE!" But let's be safe, kids... wear your helmets! (11/18/2007)
Yesterday I took the train from Tustin to Oceanside, then another from Oceanside to San Diego, where I work... without checking to see if I could get back the same way.
Turns out you can't.
On the way down there was a borderline psychotic who seemed normal enough until his polite conversation turned into nervous reaction at every interrogative. It probably didn't help that the dude looked like a cross between Charles Manson and Muhammed Atta. You ever see one of those "Crazy Eyed" dudes? This guy did that for split seconds, which was somehow even scarier than the folks who do it all the damned time. For example, he said he was trying to get to Utah and was "hopping trains" to get there. When I asked him where he was from originally his eyes went all psychotic and darted about the cabin. I finally said "All over, then, huh?"
Now, knowing that there are thousands upon thousands of Southern California train commuters each day the next chapter of this gets weirder. Around 5 PM I decided to check the Train Schedule to see how I was getting home, only to find that the trains didn't go back that way at all. This forced me to take an Amtrak (meaning, my Round Trip tickets were no good and I had to spend more bucks). Naturally it was at that point that I realized what my readers have known all along... I'm stupid. This is compounded by the fact that the Amtrak doesn't stop in Tustin... which is where my car was. Yeah, there's planning for you.
Anyway, Trains, to this day, still work as we see in the movies. You board, then they ask for your ticket en route. If you don't have a ticket, you're booted off the train (politely). Shortly before my last stop I heard the conductor asking someone for his ticket and ID. He didn't have either one. So she said he needed to buy one, which was fine, it was only $13.50 He said he had no money. She said he had to get off at the next stop. I didn't think anything about it until we got close and I grabbed my bags from the overhead compartment, only to find that the dude she was asking to leave was the same psycho from the same morning.
I guess that means he meant "Hopping Trains" in the Hobo sense. Hence his frequent disappearances during the morning conversation. See the conductor? Hide in the Can.
Regardless, as I made my way out front (remember my car was at a totally different station) I heard his profanity-laced diatribe against Amtrak, their collective intelligence quotient and various branches both above and below the employees of said Train Company on their respective family trees. I successfully ducked the dude until I made my way from the premises. It wasn't that I was afraid... I just have a very low tolerance for irritating people.
Weird, Weird, Weird!
Anyway, the list of Video Nasties are good for many, many things, not the least of which is showing one that no matter how weird things get in real life, there's always something weirder in the fictional nastiness of their videos.
Case in point: Possession, a film so weird it makes ol' Crazy Eyed Muhammed Manson Hobo Guy look like Pat Sajak. Less scary, even. It's really not bad, but it's also really not accessible. In fact, it might have been labeled as "Obscene" by the BBFC not because of actual content, but because nobody could figure it out. It's like "I don't get this, blokes... Let's ban it just in case!"
Possession... I mean... damn. (11/15/2007)
Not all of the Video Nasties are bad. This one is, though. Here's a movie that sucks: Delirium!
It's about some impotent jackass Viet Nam Vet and the women he kills simply because he's a douche. Man, I feel sorry for this movie. I really, really do. (11/12/2007)
We'll stick with the whole "Burning" theme for just a little bit longer as we take a look at our next Video Nasty. It's called Don't go in the House, but its working title was... The Burning! While I'll admit that the List of Video Nasties didn't really need yet another The Burning lurking around in its ranks, I can honestly say that it needed another flick with a title starting with "don't" even less.
Though the warm winds of Santa Ana threatened to re-ignite the ferocious flames of Southern California, I spent the weekend rock climbing in Joshua Tree. After returning to discover that the fires had not flared to a significant degree, I realized it was no longer in terribly bad taste to post this review: The Burning! This Video Nasty, on the other hand, may never truly be in good taste! While this slasher thriller about a deformed maniac might sound familiar, it's actually not what you might be expecting. But you'll find enough to get familiar with in the cast and crew credits. If you last that long!
Halloween day is worthy of more celebration, and while "The Shape" is our REAL "Boogeyman", he didn't actually make the list of Video Nasties!
So, let's pay another visit to that OTHERboogeyman with... The Boogeyman II! Trust me, this one makes Halloween 5 look like a CLASSIC! I remind you, folks, I'm watching bad movies so YOU DON'T HAVE TO!!!
(HALLOWEEN DAY, 2007)
Another (rather obvious) WorldsGreatestCritic.com Halloween tradition is reviewing our MICHAEL MYERS flicks... We knocked out III and 4 in 2006... but then, strangely, I and II, for some reason, were reviewed back in June of 2004. Okay, so much for tradition... Since you got your review of the remake back in September, you're getting Halloween 5 today. Make Way for the REAL BOOGEYMAN!!! (HALLOWEEN DAY, 2007)
The Past is the Past, but how about we tune in to the classic current horror to celebrate our Halloween? I think you hear me sawing, and I think I'm drawing blood. Ladies and germs, this weekend my daughter and I blitzed through each one of the Saw flicks, culminating with this past Friday's release: Saw IV! Fun for Fans... inaccessible for the rest... HAPPY HALLOWEEN, folks! (HALLOWEEN DAY, 2007)
Happy Halloween, folks. If you remember, last year we celebrated Halloween with a tribute to Lesbian Horror... this year... sorry, folks, we're celebrating with Video Nasties!
What do you think of when you hear the word "Halloween"? How about The Boogeyman? Check out the original and see why it was banned... "original" being a relative term!
I hope you enjoyed your break, folks, because it's back to the old crapola!
(HALLOWEEN DAY, 2007)
Usually there's a mix of the old, new, borrowed and blue on this site. Well, with 74 Video Nasties to review before Christmas, you're definitley getting more Old (or relatively old) than new, and I did have to beg, borrow and steal to get a lot of these... As for the Blue? Sorry, Michelle's in Law School, so I didn't go to the Long Beach fest this year. But I get it, I get it... you're looking for a change of pace, you're a bit burned out on the Nasties and you want something different, something on this site you might not see every day from me. Okay, you win.
How about a movie called I Miss You, Hugs and Kisses? That sounds like a nice change, doesn't it? That's the real title of this movie, and it's from Canada, no less. Romance, Globe-Trotting escapes, intrigue, love... it's all in there like PREGO! Plus, it I Miss You, Hugs and Kisses stands as the first full feature score by the now world renouned Howard Shore! So sit back, relax and enjoy my review of I Miss You, Hugs and Kisses. It's sure to be just what you're looking for in your search for that nice WorldsGreatestCritic.com change of pace!
Oh, I forgot to mention one thing... I Miss You, Hugs and Kisses was also banned in England in the 1980s as one of the DPP's Video Nasties! Please tell me you weren't buying it up until now! (10/28/07)
Happy Friday, folks! As a weekend gift to all of you Bond fans, it's time for me to review a movie featuring Ursula Undressed!
It's called Prisoner of the Cannibal God, amongst other things, and as sure as Ra-Ra-Mi rises like Olympus above New Guinea it's unmistakably one of the VIDEO NASTIES!
Folks, there's a reason I'm doing so many cannibal entries in this VIDEO NASTY group! It's not just the naked women either... it's a reason that will become very clear very soon. (10/26/07)
Folks, I'm reviewing every one of the VIDEO NASTIES by Christmas, but I'm not feeling RUSHED or anything... I still have HALLOWEEN to contend with.
The truth is, I just felt like posting a second one tonight because... I kind of like this Video Nasty!
It's called Don't Look in the Basement, and it damn-near breaks the "Don't Rule"! I'll be dipped in liquid paisley if this one isn't pretty good... In a VIDEO NASTY kind of way, of course! (10/24/07)
You want to talk about subsets of the list of VIDEO NASTIES, then how about we talk about Cannibals. Dude, I tell you, there are very few things nastier that I can think of to see on a video...
Coming again from SPAIN we get a Video Nasty called Cannibal Man! Sort of sounds like the Video Nasty version of a Superhero, doesn't it! "There's no need to fear, CANNIBAL MAN is here!" I must admit, though, that I wouldn't look forward to his comics or Saturday Morning cartoon show. With a name like Cannibal Man I'd hate to see what his powers were. He'd like his colorful costume, though, I'm sure. (10/24/07)
The list of films marked "VIDEO NASTY" tends to fall into certain categories. Obviously you've got the Cannibal Flicks, the Slasher Flicks and the Supernatural flicks... then you've got movies like Late Night Trains, which falls into an interesting subset of films that rip off films that ripped off Virgin Spring! While that might seem, at core, to be a specialized, short list, you'd be amazed. This genre is huge... at least from the standpoint of the Nasties! (10/22/07)
Hey, Kids, it's VIDEO NASTY time again! Actually, if any of you reading this are kids, you should probably get your parents' permission before you keep going. I lost my "Family Appeal" a long time ago!
This Video Nasty is a bunch of fun, though, as in The Funhouse, a familiar, yet still worthwhile thriller from the director of the original Texas Chainsaw Massacre! It's also got an interesting bonus for you fans of Amadeus out there! (10/18/07)
The Time is Ripe... for more Louisiana Horror flicks... and if this next one just happens to be a VIDEO NASTY, then so much the better!
Enjoy a spicy bowl full of gumbo called Mardi Gras Massacre, and don't forget to scream "F#(K YOU HURRICANE KATRINA!"
No, go ahead, it's cool! Shout it! Don't be shy! (10/14/07)
You had your break from Cannibal Exploitation Flicks with that last one... this next VIDEO NASTY is more than just "A Cannibal Flick", it's one of the most notorious Cannibal Films in Filoni history. Yes, folks, we're talking about Cannibal Ferox, which leaves absolutely nobody wondering how it managed to make the list of Video Nasties!
Think you can handle it? Get Ready for Lenzi!!! (10/12/07)
Some of the names that have appeared on the list of Video Nasties are no-brainers... others may surprise you. For example... Andy Warhol. Yep. Andy Warhol!
So, as FALL... In Love with a VIDEO NASTY continues, check out just why your favorite POP artist, and mine, made the list as you read the review for Flesh for Frankenstein! Let me assure you, though... this one is most certainly... nasty. You won't even be THINKING about Campbell's Soup after this one!
Maybe... BRUCE... Campbell's Soup... if anything. (10/09/07)
Let's take a break now... oh, no, not from FALL... In Love with a VIDEO NASTY! Just from Cannibal flicks!
It's time for another VIDEO NASTY that has nothing to do with cannibalism... But it does start with the word "Don't!" HA HA! It's called Don't Go in the Woods... Alone and as the title might suggest, it's another deep woods slasher flick featuring a madman who eats peop-
Oh yeah... it does have to do with cannibalism. Sorry! (10/04/07)
Well, so much for good movies... today is the last day of The 2007 Dog Days of Summer, unless I change my mind and throw in a few more to overlap... AND I MIGHT! Regardless, stay tuned for our FALL SEASON which should suck even more... To get you ready for that crap, here's our final, I THINK, Dog Days of Summer review this year... it's called Mangiati Vivi! That means... Eaten Alive! What's less appetizing? Very little. I'd tell you more about this next season, but I'm goin' the hell to sleep! G'night! What? What? What? Look at all the reviews I've given you over the last few days, huh? One of them was even of a good movie. Come on, give me a break you ungrateful...
Okay, okay, maybe I shouldn't have said that, but damn it, I'm tired, and my backspace key is still broken, okay? Just... Just have some patience and I promise you this next Autumnal season will also suck... hard. Okay, sucking isn't a good selling point! How 'bout if I promise to be funny? No?
Fine then. Zark Off. You get this review and that is it! In fact, I'm not even gonna spell check it or nothin' till some time tomorrow. You read it, you don't like it, deal with it, pink boy! I'm tired! Good day!
It's time to pause and slow down, regardless of what day it is. Let's get back to where we once belonged and jam to the music of one of my all time favorite bands, The Beatles with the new movie Across the Universe! I saw it the first weekend it was in wide release and saw it again just now. I was even happier with it the second time around. It was made for Beatles fans by Beatles fans, so hopefully, if you're a Beatles fan you'll be pleased. I am. (09/30/07)
It's time for a bowl full more of The 2007 Dog Days of Summer... somebody light me. Nah, it's hot enough in this here DESERT!!! Yep, say hello to the Sisters of Death, five haunted hotties whose college experiences have led them to a dangerous game at a secluded resort. Hey, you know, maybe I should write copy for bad movie trailers! (09/29/07)
Hey, remember the 2006 Summer of Horror? Remember how in the last few days a BLITZ of Horror Flicks rushed into the site? Well considering the flood of Bad Movies you'll be seeing over the next couple of days, you must be able to predict that The 2007 Dog Days of Summer are winding down, down, down. Here, have one more before bed! It's called Massacre in Dinosaur Valley! What, that doesn't sound like something you'd want to read about? Well, it's also known as Nudo e selvaggio, which translates to Naked And Savage! Ah, I feel a little Piqued Interest waving back at me. Enjoy, kids... I can think of a thing or two you'll like in this one. But, I'll admit that for the most part... it sucks. (09/28/07)
The 2007 Dog Days of Summer are winding down over the next few weeks... so what on EARTH could I possibly do to make sure I've covered all the bases? Well, seeing as how Plan 9 was from OUTER SPACE, I think it's high time that I gave you a big bowl full of Yor, the Hunter from the Future. Actually, is this Earth? Hmmm... It can't be Earth of the Past, not just because it has the word "future" in the title, but because I refuse to believe that Reb Brown and Corinne Cléry are Adam and Eve!
Maybe it's Earth of the future and... I'm reading too much into this again, aren't I?
Okay, well, check out the review and, if you wish, my Video Intro below, proving that you don't have to be an Italian in Turkey to make a bad movie. We Irishmen from Orange County do it pretty poorly too! (09/28/07)
Oh, what a surprise that Kneumsi would go see Resident Evil: Extinction opening weekend! What a surprise that he's just gotten to review it now. What a surprise that it made The 2007 Dog Days of Summer! What a surprise that this HOT flick is really a big budget rehash of other, better zombie flicks of the past! What a surprise that I still love it! (09/25/07)
And now, a movie considered by many to be a contender for The 2007 Dog Days of Summer list... Shoot 'Em Up! You'd think that I'd get tired of the whole "Intentionally Bad, so it's automatically good" thing, but... you'd be wrong! This movie rules and those who would argue otherwise... darn ya! (09/23/07)
How could The 2007 Dog Days of Summer be anywhere close to complete without at least one Lucio Fulci flick? No way, man! Uncle Lucio's deep dive into the Nazispoitation Genre is more haunted house flick than anything else, but still, Sodoma's Ghost uncomfortably features Nazis Getting Laid, once again. Once again, it sucks. Once again... oh never mind. I watch bad movies so you don't have to. I love you, you know that. (09/19/07)
Sodoma's Ghost Intro
And now, a very special message to the readers who have stood by me from the times I was Big Fat J.C. to now, when I'm Action Figure J.C., with Swivel Arm Battle Grip. I need to get some new batteries before I do any more Video Blogs, though... Damn!
Do Hollywood Summer Movies and The 2007 Dog Days of Summer necessarily have to be mutually exclusive? Well, we proved that wasn't the case last week, and this week we've got even further and more frightening proof in the form of Dragon Wars: D-War. What might have been a passable action no-brainer with a fun Fantasy Twist turned out to actually be nothing but a DRAG! Avoid! (09/15/07)
Okay, taking a break from the Dog Days now for just a brief dip into the Hollywood Summer... with The Bourne Ultimatum. Those of you who don't want to watch The Bourne Ultimatum can read the brief movie intro below. But hey... no accounting for taste... (09/02/07)
Well, the birthday celebration is over, as is my day job. Tomorrow starts the new day job... another long, black letter day! But the 2007 Dog Days of Summer continue. What? You wanted GOOD news? You won't get it here. Instead you'll get more reviews of movies that start with "Don't", as in Don't Answer the Phone, which should be renamed "Don't Turn On The DVD Player"! It's a wonder that it wasn't labeled a Video Nasty! Sigh. Hang it up. (08/26/07)
Well, it's my Birthday, folks. Yep, 33 years ago today Lightening Struck an Air Force Hospital in Fort Worth, Texas and a screaming baby boy was meted upon the world... Now that kid is inexplicably calling himself the World's Greatest Critic and that hospital is now a Women's Prison. Yes, both statements in that sentence are facts. Tell me that isn't great?
But how does one like me celebrate such a momentous occasion? Why with more BAD MOVIES, of course. Yes, the 2007 Dog Days of Summer continue now with a VIDEO NASTY known about Merry Old England as AXE but was originally so very well known as Lisa Lisa (in certain rural drive-in circles). As a special Birthday Present to me, I'm giving myself a flick that really... wasn't all THAT bad. Thank you Lisa and thank you Lisa! You barely belong in the Dog Days... The list of Video Nasties on the other hand...
Happy Birthday to me... (Sing Along)
Happy Birthday to me...
Happy Birthday Brother Kneumsi...
Okay, just read the review.
What are The 2007 Dog Days of Summer without VIDEO NASTIES? This one is nasty, yet a trifle innocuous, considering its Disney feel. That said, this film about immortal cavemen with Laser Beam Eyes is really, really quite bad. It's called Don't Go Near The Park and I urge you to Listen and HEED ITS WARNING! (08/17/07)
Welcome back to The 2007 Dog Days of Summer, where we're going at yet another stinker. This one BARELY avoided the Dog Rating, though I'm not quite sure how, as it's really quite, quite bad! Enjoy (if you can) Shatter Dead. You may have to use your imagination to think of just what this flick COULD HAVE BEEN! (08/17/07)
Though I can't count it as a Dog, this next film is so bizarre that it fits the Summer Zeitgeist so well I can't pass up the chance. It's called Knightriders, it's a Romero Flick and it's about motorcycle riders dressed as feudal knights and taking themselves WAY too seriously! Cue the Fanfare and START YOUR ENGINES. (08/15/07)
The 2007 Dog Days of Summer are in full swing now, much to the chagrin of audiences and readers nation wide. Nobody demanded that I follow up Herc with Herc II, and nobody's demanding more Cozzi flicks either. Hence, I follow up those two Cozzi flicks with yet another Cozzi Flick... Alien Contamination! Be warned, it's a VIDEO NASTY! (08/14/07)
Okay, okay, okay, you win! You want more Hercules in The 2007 Dog Days of Summer to help you remember the golden age of SPRING INTO ACTION? That's interesting... I only posted that review a few minutes ago. But you win... enjoy Adventures Of Hercules, if you can! Oh, sorry, I misheard you... you wanted LESS Herc? Okay, sorry, I already wrote it. If it makes you feel any better... Margi's in this one! (08/08/07)
2007's SPRING INTO ACTION continues now with yet another Indie Interlude (WHOA! Vuja De!)! Who's the Man with the Master Plan (for getting rocketed across the universe in a traversable shortcut through Space and Time)? Gregory Zymet. Sorry, that didn't rhyme. But for a good time without the grime, twist in a lime and take my dime... it's Wormhole Chasers. That didn't rhyme either! (07/31/07)
THE ADVENTURES OF Michelle AND J.C. INTERLUDE!!! (WHOA! Deja Vu!) I need a review that won't drive me crazy... Okay, I give... Michelle and I went to see Pat Benatar and Neil Giraldo with Lennon Murphy in concert last weekend. We even got to meet Lennon! What a neat lady! (July 22, 2007)
2007's SPRING INTO ACTION continues now with yet another Indie Interlude! You've heard about him on this site, he's a friend of ol' Kneumsi's (Though, the day he met Roger Ebert and received a positive review from the man I took a seat at the back of the bus). His name is Alex Ferrari and he's back with a new Indie Short called Cyn. Check it out, but be warned... it's TWISTED! (07/21/07)
THE ADVENTURES OF Michelle AND J.C. INTERLUDE!!! There are twelve individual links in the chain that is the House of Blues either in production or under construction. The planned location in Washington D.C. has been derailed over and over. Although no politician will go on record about this, many believe that they are afraid that a new location of Jake and Elwood's own... might attract... me. Trust me, the Anaheim store is having enough trouble with Michelle and I already. Check out the 777 Blues Traveler Concert for the (semi-) latest! (Friday, July 20, 2007)
Indie Interlude: Remember that '80's TV show that was "made to rerun" called "Hi Honey I'm Home!" that Nick-at-Nite snapped up immediately because it was "Made to Re-Run"? and it had guest appearances from all the old '50's TV Moms who were now in their seventies? You remember that? Well this isn't that, so forget it. Flock to David Branin's new flick Honey, I'm Home! Guilt has never been so surprising! Save me some Birthday Cake, Bran-Man! (Saturday the 14th of July 2007)
Well, another year, another Friday the 13th, and you know what that means... another complete waste of time? No... No, not complete. Instead of yet another review of a Friday the 13th flick, this time out we're touching base with all of them... sort of. It's time for The History and Saga of Jason Voorhees... But, uh... Let's go ahead and keep that tongue firmly planted in cheek, folks. (Friday the 13th of July 2007)
Today is 7.7.7... a special day by all accounts and the only one like it for the next thousand years. So how can we celebrate such an important and lucky day? What could be worth such divine numbering? Oh, I know... a movie that features Margi Newton's heavenly naked body! Perfect Spring Into Action with The Iron Hand of the Mafia! Seven Seven Sevenly HOT! (7/7/7)
Transform into the plastic toy of your choice as Spring Into Action clashes with the Transformers! This is one Great looking film. But sometimes LOOKS just aren't enough! (07/06/07)
Adventure comes in many shapes and sizes... would you believe the next Spring Into Action entry involves a Blue Rodent Chef? Meaning, a Chef that is a Rat... not a Chef who cooks blue rodents... Okay, there goes my Kid following. Check out Ratatouille anyway. It's good. Smells good too. (07/01/07)
It's here! Live Free or Die Hard, Spring Into Action's finest hour! Don't sit back, don't relax! Throw cars at helicopters, chase kung fu chicks down elevator shafts in SUVs, escape fireballs, hop a Semi, jump on a Plane... Live Free, Think Fast, Look Alive... DIE HARD! (06/27/07)
Ah, a film featuring the greatest artists of all time... Raphael, Michelangelo, Donatello, Leonardo... MARTIAL ARTISTS, that is! We are in 2007's SPRING INTO ACTION after all. That's right, one of my favorite Superhero Teams of all time is back and they arrive closer to their source material than ever before! Check out TMNT! No Pizza required! (06/10/07)
Did I ever tell you about that Biology professor of mine who was obsessed with parasites? He couldn't stop talking about them. It really bugged me to the point that he really ticked me off. He was leaching all of our time away for this crap. I finally had to flea to another class. Man, that guy's lectures SUCKED. Okay, fine, read about Bug! (06/10/07)
Introducing 2007's SPRING INTO ACTION... The next part... of... that... seasonal crap I've been... doing lately. So, what can you expect from SPRING INTO ACTION? Well, you should know... you've been in it since Spring Began! (And... you know... it's almost over!) That's right... I just... Plumb forgot to tell you. (This has nothing to do with the fact that I've been in the gym instead of typing all the time!)
Yes, yes, yes! And what of Winter of Wit? Why did it last way on through Spring? Because it was a... LONG COLD WINTER!!! You get it? Oh... unfunny again? Well, try... HARD... to enjoy SPRING INTO ACTION, our first ever overlapping season! Winter of Wit's pissed! (05/29/07)
My Trilogy of third chapters in Trilogies continues now... more to come... from Captain Jack Sparrow and the Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End... it may be the end of the world as you know it... but you'll feel fine! (05/26/07)
Destination: Far Far Away... the Legend of Shrek continues? Nah... let's not take this too seriously... We're in a transition here, folks... screw the Alien Invasion bull, check out: Shrek the Third! (05/25/07)
When I was a Kid, I had this Secret Wars action figure of the Black Costumed Spider-Man, and I imagined that like the Alien Costume like came back to take it's revenge on Peter and all, and if you like cut it, it'd be all hollow and scary like a ghost thing, and like a couple years later they totally invented Venom in the comics who's kinda, you know, like that, and all, but he's got a different dude inside him and he's got, like, a mouth on his mask and he's real bad, and cool, and spawns lots of carnage and all that, and because Sam, Ivan and Ted had just grip-loads of money, they totally got to use Venom in this new movie called Spider-Man 3, and it was cool! Even cooler than what I pictured and all... Thwip! (05/04/07)
Well somebody told me that you had a Hot Fuzz that sounds like the hot fuss that I wrote in the Winter of Wit! It's not confidential, it's real existential. [Look, it's hard to be funny when there's an Alien Invasion coming!] (04/23/07)
You know what time of year it is... it's high time for another Friday the 13th... just in time for Saturday the 14th! What can I say? It is still the Winter of Wit... for some reason. But hey, at least I reviewed the most (intentionally) comedic in the series, one Friday the 13th part VI: JASON LIVES!!! While not a straight comedy, the honkey in the Hockey mask gets Hokey and the Camp gets Campy in this one. And to those of you who are wondering why I didn't just review the flick called Saturday the 14th today... isn't it obvious? I... uh... hell, why didn't I? Damn! [Who cares, anyway? There's an Alien Invasion coming!] (Saturday the 14th of April 2007)
Is this the Winter of Wit or the Summer of Horror? Who Knows or Cares when you've got an ass-kicker like Grindhouse to watch? Beware of High Speed Undead Action. You may LAUGH! [Reminder: there is an Alien Invasion coming!] (04/09/07)
Okay, let me preface this next review and explain that I saw Dead Silence on March 17, 2007, the very day after it came out, and that's the very day I started the review. But I only finished the first half, before my car broke down, I had to take it to the Mechanic and run home 14 miles, then go get it again and find out it didn't work, then get them to fix it, then I flew to Baton Rouge to witness my old buddy Jeffy-Boy get married, and, naturally, attend the Bachelor Party in New Orleans and get abused by some Strippers, then on the way a loved one died, and so I extended my trip to spend time with and console the surviving relatives, only to come back and find out that not only did the same car get backed into with NO note left, but it also now has horrible electrical problems, and after almost 20 years, I'm going to have to replace the thing. So... needless to say, you'll have to remember that the THURSDAY in question was March 15, 2007, and focus on that while you read the review for Dead Silence. And without any further ado... because Brevity... is... the soul of... wit, and I can't stand Ado... here's the review for Dead Silence! [Besides... I'm about to get a lot busier. There's an Alien Invasion on the horizon!](04/07/07)
Winter of Wit continues now, and it's high time, seeing as how Winter has been over for THREE WEEKS now. Let me tell you, I'm run ragged. I need a little pick me up... let's see what Re-Animator has to offer! (04/07/07)
Yes, Yes, Yes, Winter of Wit continues now with the true classic A Christmas Story! It's a good thing that this movie isn't a woman, because then, like, my wife would be like all single, 'cause I'd like all marry this movie and everything. I guess. Actually, now that I think about it, she'd probably be with an even hotter guy with, you know, maybe a smaller forehead than this billboard thing I've got goin' on here, and he might have a cooler car and be a better dancer. Or, really, I guess if A Christmas Story was a woman, my wife might suddenly become a Lesbian and I'd be alone with my big ass forehead. Damn. Now I'm depressed... What the hell do I do now? Eh, I guess I'll just do what I always do when I'm depressed... I'll watch A Christmas Story... oh, wait... now I'm back where I started. (03/08/07)
Ghost Rider has always been among Marvel's scariest and most edgy Anti-Heroes... naturally when it came time to make this film into a movie they turned it into a Comedy. Sheesh. Well, at least 2007's Ghost Rider will give me another Winter of Wit Review... I think... I guess... I think... I guess... (03/04/07)
Did everyone forget this is still the Winter of Wit? Well, let's leave that forgotten for just a little bit longer while we reflect on Hurricane on the Bayou... This one's a true Louisiana Horror flick. You want objectivity in this case? Go read some other guy's site! (03/04/07)
In a dark place, in a dark time, lives a dark Faun with a bright future... Pan's Labyrinth! (02/26/2007)
It's that time again! Oscar Time! Check out my Article about The 79th Annual Academy Awards... I haven't had quite as many reviews of Oscar Nominated flicks this year than last year, so I think I'll just mostly talk about myself. Rock on, Oscar! (02/25/2007)
Hey, what's up, bitch? This past Friday, El Kid and I went to what you in the past would call "A Movie Theatre" to check out The Messengers! If you thought The Ring was frightening, if you thought Psycho was thrilling, if you thought The House Where Evil Dwells was atmospheric... well... so... did... I! You and I seem to have a lot in common. Maybe we should hang out more often and talk about movies and women over coffee or something. You've got good taste in film, I must say, and I'm impressed with your knowledge of that which is frightening, atmospheric and thrilling. What other adjectives are you fully immersed in? Let's talk. This has been real and I'll never forget it! (02/12/2007)
I shave my legs now. That... just came to mind... I thought I'd admit it. Anyway, more Winter of Wit is just a click away! Check out Night at the Museum. Okay, look folks, it's either this or Coward of the County... be happy with what I give ya! (02/05/07)
More Winter of Wit? No? I don't blame you. Especially because our next entry is Epic Movie, which is a monumental sliver of slobber on the face of Celluloid. Excuse me while I wash my hands. (01/31/07)
It's either too much Winter of Wit or too many Romantic Comedies, but I tell you, it was time for me to pick the movie... and time for me to take a swim. Sink your teeth into the saga of Gustave, "The Most Prolific Serial Killer in History"... but beware, the star of Primeval isn't who the Hollywood Pictures Marketing Department want you to think he is! (01/14/07)
More Winter of Wit? Well, have I got a STORY for you... it's called Miss Potter... check it out... From the LIBRARY! (01/13/07)
Because I'm long winded enough without a year's retrospective, here's my own version of the Best and Worst lists... not to mention the most Dude, WTF??? moments of 2006... Actually, it was my wife's idea... sigh. Here's "The Top Six of Oh Six"! (01/09/07)
W*O*W 2007 continues now with another Romantic Comedy... but this one rules... Yeah, I know you've seen them all, but this one is most definitely Something New! (01/07/07)
Would you say W*O*W to an Indie Interlude? You would if it was 29 Reasons to Run, the independent film from a few familiar faces shot in a number of familiar places. That's what I'm talkin' 'bout! (01/07/07)
Look, folks, it's December 30, 2006, and we're in a No-Man's Land of seasons... yet still I show up to bring you a review of the Remake Horror Slasher film, 2006's Black Christmas! Don't ever say I don't have that Christmas Spirit, because I'm just soaking in it, kiddos! (12/30/06)
Look, folks, it's December 28, 2006, and we're in a No-Man's Land of seasons... yet still I show up to bring you a review of the classic Horror Slasher film, 1974's Black Christmas! Don't ever say I don't have that Christmas Spirit, because I'm just soaking in it, kiddos! (12/28/06)
From the name that could have been a joke, to the concept that could have been a failure to the film that simply kicked ass and still does after twenty years, Operation: Sci-Fall Salutes RoboCop: The FUTURE of LAW ENFORCEMENT! Thank you for your cooperation, Merry Christmas! (12/24/06)
Man, you take one nap and you wake up in the Time of the Apes... And I thought Ash from Army of Darkness had it bad. Now we meet an Army of Dorkness in some surreal combination of The Prisoner's island, Futuristic Japan and Vermont. Big Brother won't be watching this one! (12/22/06)
Operation: Sci-Fall 2006 is quickly coming to a close, but there are more SUPER reviews to thrill to... in this case, I mean Supergirl: The Movie! Oh, no, the movie isn't super... but Supergirl is oh, so hot, you'll know what the true meaning of HEAT VISION is! (12/17/06)
It's the 2006 Christmas Season, so, you know, it's time for me to maybe finish out my 2005 Oscars Special from... I can't remember how long ago. Bradies and Worms, I proudly present Street Fight... which doesn't finish that Academy Award thing, but it gets me one closer. Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Politics goes so good with Beer. I could tell you stories that would make you cry, what about you? I said Me Too! I could tell you stories that'd make you cry-hy-hy!!! (12/14/06)
Today, to celebrate the Machismo that goes into every review of mine, I'm proud to present my review for... The Holiday, an enchanting comedy about two young women falling in love with their handsome new suitors. Okay, I'll review more Margi Newton movies to make up for this, I swear! (12/11/06)
"The Adventures of Michelle and J.C." continues now with our latest foray into the shadowy flank of the House of Blues... Say hello to the constantly self-referencing Jerry Lee Lewis live! Needless to say he tried to Marry Michelle... till he found out she was too old for him! (12/02/06)
What says November more than Falling Leaves, Thanksgiving and stupid looking Pilgrims' Hats? Why James Bond movies of course! That's right... Casino Royale is finally here... but... um... not the crappy one! (11/30/06)
Back at work? Settled in? Angry? Me too! So I've drafted for you and only you Brother Kneumsi's Guide to Cubicle Living to help you properly make the most out of your stay in the 21st Century prison you've abandoned your hopes and dreams for. Years ago you were sure you'd be the Rhythm Guitarist for W.A.S.P.! Now as you gaze around the burlap walls that come almost up to your waist and barely obscure the nightmarish visage of Mort from Accounting, you wonder how you are to adjust. Brother Kneumsi's Guide to Cubicle Living... frankly won't help... but hopefully it'll crack you up and you'll forget trying to open the sealed window to your 21st floor dungeon! (11/29/06)
The Thanksgiving Holidays have just passed us by... and you know what that means... as traditional as Dressing, it's Brother Kneumsi's Thanksgiving Turkey! This year's bird: The Birds II: Land's End! Be warned... this one might disturb you... -The Crypt Kneumsi! (11/27/06)
It's just another Long Black Letter day... But let me mention last Sunday's Red Letter day that had me Tickled Pink at the House of Blues! I'm talking about Frank Black Live in concert... I know, I know, you're green with Envy! (11/22/06)
And to think I claimed "Darkness Fell" upon the House of Blues Anaheim because of me. Darkness shadowed the Rehobeth Hall when The Damned showed up on November 11th, 2006 with the Epoxies and The Adored in Tow. Click HERE to check out "THE DAMNED"! (11/20/06)
Darkness Fell upon the House of Blues Anaheim when they discovered that Michelle and I were to return. A UN Peacekeeping Force was deployed. Hans Blix was brought in to search us both. Click HERE to read the real story... that being the hilarious review of the amazing Joan Jett and the Blackhearts Very Much Live and Dangerous... We rule, man. Actually, Jett rules! (11/10/06)
I give you the GREENLIGHT to finally check out Gulager's FEAST. Miramax as we knew it may be dead... BUT IT'S STILL UGLY AS SIN! (11/04/06)
For my final Horrific Halloween Day Review, there is only one way to adequately end this gala celebration... You guessed it... WITH MORE LESBIANS! The Vampire Lesbians of Vampyros Lesbos, of course. Man, what a great horror movie. And to think this came from Jess Franco. Damn! Lesbian Horror is such an underused sub-genre. Well, I guess if lovelies like Soledad Miranda were still around, we'd have more... Ah, yes... Happy, Happy, Happy Halloween! (Halloween Day, 2006)
Oh, that Halloween flick wasn't enough for you? Maybe you're just too demanding like... like Prince in that one song? Okay, but I aim to please. Michael Myers returns (without the robots) for Halloween 4: The Return of Michael Myers. It's a return to form to be sure, but it's so damned close to "Form" you'll feel like you've done it before. (Halloween Day, 2006)
CRAPPY SHALLOWEEN! The World's Greatest Critic's Halloween Celebration continues with... you guessed it... a Halloween movie. Michael Myers isn't in it, but lots of creepy robots and laser beams are... Yes, Yes, I'm talking about Halloween III: Season of the Witch! And this is NOT a great movie. And I say that not only because of the dearth of Lesbians herein! But, believe it or not... it is a part of Operation: Sci-Fall 2006! (Halloween Day, 2006)
I challenge anybody to think of a better way to celebrate Halloween than with... Lesbians! That's right! A Lesbian Harem on the French Country Side! I'm almost hesitant to classify The Girl Slaves of Morgana Le Fay as a "Horror" film. I was only afraid it would end. Yum! (Halloween Day, 2006)
Time for Halloween, and time for Operation: Sci-Fall's Borg Month to come to a close! Star Trek's most fearsome Villains hit the Big Screen in their most frightening appearance in Star Trek: First Contact! Man, you want to talk about a great, exciting and well balanced Sci-Fi Thriller, this is it, man! Hard to imagine it getting much better! (10/30/06)
Operation: Sci-Fall's Borg Month works hard for a BIG Ratings Boost toward its finale. The solution? HOT BORG! Yes, Yes, I'm talking about Star Trek: Voyager's ratings grabber "Scorpion"! Not only is it our first REAL view of the Borg since "First Contact", but it also introduces the sexiest Borg in the history of ASSimilation... and in Episode 69 No Less! (10/30/06)
Operation: Sci-Fall starts to SUCK with the graviton experiment known as The Black Hole! Nope, it's not the Cute Robot Outer Space Adventure from Disney... it's the straight to video and cable Earth snoozer featuring your favorite '80's Icons. Okay, then... MY favorite '80's Icons. (10/30/06)
Operation: Sci-Fall's Borg Month is drawing to an end (so, dudes, I'd better get to writing... hell)! Voted the best episode of Star Trek: The Next Generation, "The Best of Both Worlds" remains as probably the best Borg episode ever made and is still one of the best episodes of any Trek. Check it out, or I will add you technological and biological distinctiveness to my own! (10/28/06)
Operation: Sci-Fall's Borg Month returns to a place far earlier than just the ROOTS of the Borg with the return of the Cybermen in Doctor Who's 19th episode (of the current series) known as "Rise of the Cybermen". Resistance is Useless. You will become like us! You Will Be Cyber-Converted or DELETED! (10/28/06)
Operation: Sci-Fall's Borg Month returns to the ROOTS of the Borg with their first ever appearance, way back in Star Trek: The Next Generation's 41st episode known as "Q Who". It will add your technological and biological distinctiveness to its own. Resistance is Futile, You Must Comply! (10/21/06)
Indie Interlude: Within the Inner City of a Small Town in the Northern Part of a Southern State can be found a Big Fish in Middlesex, which is, at least in theory, a small pond! (10.19.06)
It's Friday the Thirteenth, it's Operation: Sci-Fall, it's Borg Month! And you know what that means! The only movie that satisfies all three dubious Traditions... the Tenth Friday movie, the only Sci-Fi entry into the series and the only one that features a (ha ha ha) "Cyborg Jason"... yep, it's time for a big ship load of Jason X! Too bad those Nanobots couldn't fix his Mommy fixation!!! (Friday the 13th of October 2006)
And now for an Indie Interlude that segways us right back into Operation: Sci-Fall 2006! What would that Kooky combination of Sci-Fi and Horror be without one H.P. Lovecraft? Methinks they'd be SOME Evil in it... The same can be said for the strange and fun collection of shorts known as LovecraCked: The Movie. It's a strange, funny, scary and often sickening tribute to ol' H.P. with just enough Sci-Fi and Fantasy to keep this Autumn Honest! (10.12.06)
Roger Waters is the genius behind some of the greatest rock songs ever written, some over twenty minutes long. Could he be the partial reason behind why my reviews keep getting longer and longer and longer to the point of bathos? Nah, that's just because I'm a No-Talent Hack. But Waters isn't. One of the greatest concerts (and tours) is right here with Roger Waters The Dark Side of the Moon, Live! I hope you've got some time though... this one isn't brief or witty. (10.10.06)
Indie Interlude: Operation: Sci-Fall 2006 takes a break so that I can take a walk... with The Wanderer. This thrilling short's only shortcoming is that... it, uh... comes in too short. I wanted more! (10.09.06)
Right now, I'm flying high, watching the world pass me by. I see the stars, they're shining bright and everything's all right tonight. No, I'm not drunk again. I'm still buzzed from seeing the Big Screen concert of Depeche Mode Touring the Angel: Live in Milan. Now I have to worry about writing a ton more Sci-Fall reviews to catch up. Drat. (9/30/06)
The Summer of Horror has been over for weeks, but why didn't I review A Nightmare on Elm Street the whole time? Elementary, my dear Freddy, because I knew Nightmare was coming back to the big screen on September 20 and 21. Check it out, baby! But beware, this is long, rambling and goofy, even for me! (9/24/06)
Yes, don't worry, it's still Operation: Sci-Fall 2006 and all! Oh, you're more worried now? Well, there's a fine how-do-you-do! Well, screw this. It's back to real Cerebral, Surreal, Suprise Sci-Fi like The Quiet Earth, from the post apocalyptic world of 1985 New Zealand! Slip on your Slip and watch ME go off the DEEP END! AGAIN!!! (9.23.6)
It's time to Check the Technique 311 in LA! This time for real, kids. Yes, we checked out the 311 Summer Unity Tour, and it ROCKED! Once again, if you don't like 'em, the button is below! (09/16/06)
Operation: Sci-Fall 2006 continues now with a film that is most assuredly NOT Science Fiction or Fantasy. In fact, if anything, this is a mystery based on reality... borderlining on Biopic. But its a mysterious biopic about the man who is still fondly remembered for playing one of our most enduring and endearing Science Fiction Characters, namely, Superman. Yep, I'm talking about Hollywoodland, a great new movie that hits home... hard. Hell, Superman's what the Sci-Fall's all about! But then, so's Star Wars... and... and Margi! (9.14.6)
Operation: Sci-Fall 2006 began on September 10, 2006. Today, September 12, 2006, Star Wars has been released on DVD for the first time, as it was originally displayed in theatres. That means, before the (originally intended) subtitles of "Episode IV" or "A New Hope" had been added, not to mention the computer enhancements, extra characters, revised scenes, etc. To my knowledge, this is the first ever home video release of this version of Star Wars. Take it from a man who loves every version... this one is the classic keeper that defines the very nature of Sci-Fall! Thanks, Uncle George... I'll give you more of my money next time you ask! (9.12.6)
Welcome to Operation: Sci-Fall 2006, an Autumnal Festival of the Fantastical. Speaking of Fantastic: Margi! Margi is fantastic. Don't believe me? Check out our Inaugural Sci-Fall review: The Final Executioner! Oh, the MOVIE sucks... but she's worth seeing! (9.10.6)
Personally, I'm still in the mood for something hot. How about having The Summer of Horror continue with the Horny Naked Alien from Species? Ah? Yes, Yes! I'll take this Chest Burster any day! (09/08/06)
So, was this Werewolf Streak from The Summer of Horror leading up to something? Oh, yeah! I'd adore reviewing every Wolf Flick out there, but since I can't do that, let's hit up my favorite: 1941's The Wolf Man! He wasn't the first, but he's still damned near the best! (09/06/06)
Too bad "Howlin' Wolf" wasn't part of the Long Beach Blues Fest... Maybe we can fit a good tribute into The Summer of Horror! Yeah, we've had Zombies, Vampires, all that mess... but where are the Werewolves? Right here, baby! Check out Ginger Snaps! Werewolfing never looked so HOT! (09/06/06)
JOE! COCKER, Y'all! Day Two of the 27th Annual Long Beach Blues Festival was even better than Day One. My baby wrote me a letter while Sunday was on the phone to Monday and all that. Luckily, I brought the Ice to the cool show so Michelle and I lived... but man, did I end up lookin' silly! (09/06/06)
WAR! Good God, Y'all! What are they good for? A hell of a Blues Show for one. Check out Day One of the 27th Annual Long Beach Blues Festival, written as only I can... or, really, as only I do. Want good news? Michelle came with me! Want better news? We went both days. Beer me! (09/05/06)
The Summer of Horror Loses the HOT but keeps the WEIRD with The Wicker Man! By all accounts this should have been a great horror remake... but then, I never majored in Accounting! (09/04/06)
INDIE INTERLUDE: I was asked to check out a 27 minute short, shot in San Diego with undertones of a certain German set of Angel flicks. However, I had no idea how very fine Begleiter would be. (09.04.06)
Tired of the Unimaginative Undead Zombie Flicks? Well, the Summer of Horror proceeds with an unusual Zombie Flick called Undead! It's most certainly still alive! (09/04/06)
The "Sidekar Load of Karloff", as well as the Summer of Horror continues now with one of our first looks at Karloff's horror performances as a Speaking Actor! Ever hear of The Mummy? I'll bet you have, and I'll bet you're a fan, Horror Hound! If not... I won't tell anyone! Mummy's the word! (09/01/06)
Okay, Horror Hounds... How about a Kar Load of Karloff? Okay, so two new reviews does not a Kar Load make, but hey, Karloff is the key to the entire Summer of Horror... check out The Body Snatcher to see what I mean! Okay... how about if it's a "SIDEKAR of Karloff"? (09/01/06)
Man, oh, man, did I really wait THIS long before watching a Keira movie? Nah... I just type really, really slow. I'm still obsessed. Ladies and Germs, welcome to yet another Killer Pirates of the Caribbean flick! It's called Dead Man's Chest, and it is exactly my kind of movie. But kids, the only chests I really noticed in this film weren't on men, and they were VERY much alive... Ah, Keira, Naomie... OW! My wife just hit me. (8/31/06)
INDIE INTERLUDE: Dudes, what is it about Outsiders Productions... what is it about Phigment Philms? This Indie Party continues with The Cellar! This isn't a perfect film, but the experiment is a success... on the funds this thing was made on, it's hard to believe how engrossing it truly is! (8.31.6)
The Summer of Horror gets both HOT and WEIRD with The Wicker Man! It's an Art Film filled with genuine horror, eroticism, music, comedy, mystery and drama. I'm addicted. (08/29/06)
The The Summer of Horror has had more than its fair share of horrible movies during its Three Month turn. However, it's also been given the opportunity to show off some of the all time Horror Greats. Here's one of the best of this or any other year: BRIDE OF FRANKENSTEIN! It's not only one of the best Sequels of all time, it's also one of the best Horror Films of all time, and yes, it ranks up there with the best movies of all time in its own right. She's alive... oh, baby, is she ever alive! (08/29/06)
The The Summer of Horror continues now with Wrong Turn. With Eliza Dusku in the lead and not only a Make Up, but a Production Credit for Stan Winston, this should be an incredibly great Horror Flick. As it stands, though, it's yet another TCM clone. Add Leatherface and the Chainsaw, and we've seen it! (08/29/06)
Indie Film can be a Brickbat to the entire industry when done right, and a boon to any good actor's career. If you're ready for a very different sort of Noir Detective Story, catch Brick as it's thrown through the screen at you! (08/29/06)
It's not part of the The Summer of Horror, but with its shocking themes and disturbing images, it might as well be. It's called I Stand Alone and it gets SICK, SICK, SICK! (08/29/06)
WANNA GO CAMPING? Uh, no, don't worry, it's not another Friday rip off! The Summer of Horror gets SICK with Cabin Fever. Like Jumbo's Jock Itch... you won't want to catch it (But don't take that to mean you shouldn't see the movie!)! (08/26/06)
Instead of The Summer of Horror, maybe I should've done THE SUMMER OF HITCHCOCK, because that's practically the only time I'm 100% satisfied. Rope is one of Hitch's finest and most disturbing films. It's not just a brilliant psychological suspense films, it's also a model for incredible film making. Rope... Strap It On!
What is this, the Summer of Renny? Nah, it's The Summer of Horror! But, hey, Renny's paid his dues, right? How about a Renny Flick? Oh... oh, all we've got is Mindhunters? Sorry. Well, I took the time to write the review, the least you could do is read it.
My Birthday celebration continues during this great The Summer of Horror with the one thing that we've lacked so far... That's Right... A FULCI FILM!!! Too bad The New York Ripper sucked worse than your average Chest Wound! Ah, crap! Chest Wound, that reminds me of how misogynistic and repugnant The New York Ripper was. Thanks for ruining my nudity Lucio! Thanks! Happy Birthday to ME!
It's my Birthday, on August 23rd, I'm 32 years old... How should I celebrate? With a Horror Classic like Frankenstein? Apparently not! Apparently, I get dissed at work, take half the day off, get dissed at home, find the AC isn't working, then post the review for Blood Sisters of Lesbian Sin! And it's not nearly as hot as it should be. MAN, could things get worse??? [Part of The Summer of Horror!] (8.23.6)
Dude, it's so simple, "Snakes on a Plane"... What's this movie about? Seriously, it's a better title than The Summer of Horror! What? Oh, you didn't like that that one? Sigh... okay, then... how about clicking here for the appropriately titled summer cheese fest Snakes on a Plane anyway... HISS!!! (Just after Midnight on 8.19.6)
What could be better to continue this kick-ass Summer of Horror than by reaching back to the gothic roots of Terror with Nosferatu... and this time, I'll bet you it IS the one you're thinking of! Yes, the review of possibly my favorite Vampire movie (except this one) is finally upon us... after so many false starts... I hope it doesn't suck and bite. Or... would it be more appropriate if it did? (8.12.6)
And now, for the greatest movie ever made about Vampirism... no, not Nosferatu! The Summer of Horror couldn't possibly go on without this classic tale of Vampirism? Why? One word: Lesbians! Check out The Blood Spattered Bride! You'll be glad you did... or you're probably on the wrong website! (8.12.6)
It's time now for the name on everyone's lips, a name without whom the Summer of Horror couldn't be considered even remotely complete! Yep, I think you hear me knockin' and I think I'm bringing along Mister Frank De Felitta! You thought I was going to say Nosferatu, didn't you? But don't pretend you don't know who he is... He's the dude behind The Entity! Yeah, I know, I know... But here's my next installment for Frank... it's called Audrey Rose and it's... well, it's most certainly a Frank De Felitta movie! (08/12/06)
I must be in an animation mood... From the dude who brought you Ace Ventura, Bruce Almighty, Kung Pow and Bat Thumb... huh? Oh you're still reading... oh, okay, from that guy, we get Barnyard: The Original Party Animals! Dance, laugh and Jam On it, just watch where you step, man! (8.12.6)
INDIE INTERLUDE: Time for a hell of a start from an independent ANIMATED film maker. Tomb Hackers may not be perfect, but it's a hell of a funny ride through a crack-up adventure. Also included are mini-reviews for Anthony Thurman's later The Depression of Detective Downs and Not Until You Dance. Guess where this dude's from... just guess. [I'll be milking that one for a while!] (8.9.6)
In 2005 a creepy horror flick featuring Cave Explorers being picked off One by One by subterranian, vaguely humanoid monsters was released. It's called The Descent, and it's Part of The Summer of Horror! (08/05/06)
In 2005 a creepy horror flick featuring Cave Explorers being picked off One by One by subterranian, vaguely humanoid monsters was released. It's called The Cave, and it's Part of The Summer of Horror! (08/05/06)
It's time now for the name on everyone's lips, a name without whom the Summer of Horror couldn't be considered even remotely complete! Yep, I think you hear me knockin' and I think I'm bringing along Mister Frank De Felitta! What? You've never heard of him either? Ah, come on, he wrote Audrey Rose! No? How about The Entity? No... Okay, read the review for The Entity and you'll see why Frank is... ah, nevermind! (08/01/06)
With a name like The Devil Wears Prada, one would think this would have to be part of the Summer of Horror! Yep, there's nothing scarier than a nightmare boss... I know... I am one. But no, this is a chick flick based on chick lit. However, the women are as beautiful as the ladies of Lake Woebegone, and Simon Baker is in this, so... (08/01/06)
For most of our lives, there has been one name that has been Synonimous with "Horror"... No, not Nosferatu! Will you be patient? I'm talking about Universal Studios! The Summer of Horror! Couldn't be complete without Universal's unsung classic Creature From The Black Lagoon! We're gonna need a bigger boat! (07/27/06)
Hey, the Oscars have only been over for WAY too long. While it's potentially true that I could've posted this review sooner, take heart... the Documentary Darwin's Nightmare belongs less on the Oscar Page than as a proud part of the Summer of Horror! I can't do that, though. (07/27/06)
M. Night Shyamalan's brilliant mixes of Horror with Tear Jerker, Science Fiction, Super Heroes, Social Commentary and now Fairy Tales have always been well worth the time to see. There is no one else who makes movies like these, or makes them this good. While Lady in the Water is still one of the most imaginative and different movies I've seen this year, it doesn't seem to get past its own depth and bring a cohesive story to the surface. DEFINITELY worth seeing, but not among Night's best! [Part of The Summer of Horror!] (07.22.06)
It was hard to find, even once I knew it existed. It wasn't worth finding, even thought I suspected it probably sucked pubes. How can I make an already dubious-in-taste Summer of Horror even cheesier? With the first (and VERY, VERY, VERY unofficial) sequel to Alien. It's called Alien 2: On Earth, and it will make you believe that perhaps War Crimes Tribunals should be extended toward mean spirited directors and z-grade malicious studios. Unholy Crap! (07.21.06)
Since this great Summer of Horror started, I've been teasing you with two things... A review of Nosferatu and a review of a Bona Fide Alfred Hitchcock thriller. Because the response has been unquestionably in favor of my reviewing Nosferatu as soon as inhumanly possible, here's Alfred Hitchcock's classic Frenzy! CHOKE ON IT!!! (07.15.06)
There's no Summer like the Summer of Horror, like no Summer I know... Suspense and Teases of Vampire Classics are fine, but what's a Summer of Horror without Zombies, Zombies, Zombies? Hey, Zombies are important, I grant you, and as sympathetic as I am... any summer (horror or NOT) could only get better without the presence of Zombie Night! Pee-You! (07.15.06)
Suspense Thrillers and Dapper Coppers aren't "According to Hoyle" Horror flicks, so let's return to the Summer of Horror with an unquestionably malevolent film of grueling horror... and grueling bad acting... and poorly achieved rip offs of better films that weren't that good in the first place. Yeah... Malevolence is a horror all right! (07.15.06)
Way back in 1998 I saw a preview to a low budget indie about some gay cop involved with some gay hustler... Guy must've watched Tightrope... anyway, I always thought of it as "That Gay Cop Movie" (having forgotten the title) until recently when I discovered it was called In The Flesh. While I rather prefer the name "That Gay Cop Movie", In The Flesh will do. Wrote a review about it, like to read it? Here it go! (07.13.06)
Yes, it's true, no one does SUSPENSE quite like Hitchcock! Our Summer of Horror continues now with yet another tribute to yet another tribute to Hitch. Yep, how about more Brian De Palma with Body Double. If you've seen Rear Window and Vertigo, you've seen this one... but neither of those movies had a certain '80's hottie showing up completely in the nude. You may have to SUSPEND your disbelief for this SUSPENSE thriller, but man does it ever make this Summer of Horror even hotter! (07.07.06)
What is Horror, really? Scares and Jumps? No, that's just startling. Horror is about SUSPENSE! Now, the Summer of Horror pays tribute to SUSPENSE by handing you a big screaming barrel full of it!!! Who does suspense better than Alfred Hitchcock? No one does. But I don't have any new Hitchcock Reviews, so enjoy the Pepsi to Hitchcock's Coke: Brian De Palma, and his 1981 thriller Blow Out! I think you'll be glad you did! (07.07.06)
Like any good series, the Summer of Horror has rapid fire sequels to chill your bones. Sadly, the Bloody Murder franchise is NOT a good series, but it too keeps churning out the same pathetic and stolen story every couple of years. Suffer your way through my review of either the third or the fourth in that bed sore (depending on what you count) here:
The Graveyard. Oh, yes, there will be suck! (07.05.06)
Hope the Fourth was good to you cats! The Summer of Horror is back in full force (actually, it never left, but I defer to the Man of Steel!). There is no name more synonymous with Horror than Dracula, and the Ground-Breaking Genre Creating Nosferatu is still the top of that heap. However, I still haven't reviewed that, so let's get into just about the worst Horror Series in History. Or, I should say, an unofficial entry into same. Check out Adam & Evil! Or better yet... don't! (07.05.06)
Anybody need a break from the Summer of Horror? Well, let's take a break from the Summer of Horror! Let me just take out my handy dandy Universal Remote Control aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand... CLICK! (6.26.6)
The WAIT is OVER! That is if you Summer of Horror readers were waiting on bated breath for my review of the 1987 Cheesy TV Horror Movie called Bay Coven. No? Well, what if I said it's that same movie with the cool DVD Cover called Bay Cove? None of you? What about if I told you it was executive produced by those two Phallic References Peters & Guber? Still no? Well... I guess I'd really better review Nosferatu then, huh? (6.24.6)
Here it is, folks, the moment you Summer of Horror fans have been waiting for! A review of 1982's
The House Where Evil Dwells! You thought I was going to say Nosferatu, didn't you? Yeah, this movie is NONosferatu! Even comparing them is scary! (6.24.6)
The 2006 Summer of Horror continues now... I know you're all wanting the Dracula Streak to continue with my review... of Nosferatu! And, I aim to please. Click HERE for my review of...
Flesh for the Beast. I'm sorry, I just haven't gotten to Nosferatu yet. (6.24.6)
On this incredible Summer of Horror, what could be better than the one who started it all, the FIRST Dracula: Nosferatu? Probably nothing, but I haven't written that review yet. Instead, enjoy this tantalizing review for Dead Birds! (6.24.6)
What could be better to continue this kick-ass Summer of Horror than by reaching back to the gothic roots of Terror with Dracula... and this time, I'll bet you it IS the one you're thinking of. Don't we all think of Lugosi when we think of the Count? Ah, yes, yes! (6.19.6)
It's that time again! That's right, Time for the World Cup, the Soccer Match in which dudes from all kinds of foreign countries come to kick balls around. And what better way to celebrate than to review a foreign movie about a Chinese Guy getting kicked in the Balls? Dude, totally check out my, like, review of
The Story of Qiu Ju. Word. (6.17.6)
Folks, Folks, Folks, my daughter flew to Japan this week (her arms are really tired), I had my Wedding Anniversary celebration in Los Angeles, I missed overdraft fees by a factor of pennies, it's dark, and I'm wearing sunglasses... But, I have managed to see Cars twice since it came out. Reviewing it late, sure, but hey... I never claimed to be a racecar! (6.16.6)
Man, Bloody Murder 2 takes an already unoriginal minor film series and practically remakes it with more rip offs than those 1980's style Velcro Shoes. Oh, I admit to SOME small differences... this one DOES have some EXCELLENT nudity! [Part of The Summer of Horror!] (6.9.6)
Are you looking for The Omen? Here's an Omen for you: The trend for remaking classic horror films as crappily as possible has no foreseeable end. The Omen, less SixSixSix than SucksSucksSucks! [Part of The Summer of Horror!] (6.6.6)
The truly Independent among us make films not because it's their job, but because they want to. In the case of Christopher J. Hansen and D.M. Lovic's Mock Doc The Proper Care & Feeding of an American Messiah I found a truly hilarious and original movie, evoking the best of the genre without once feeling derivative. What's more, it's an "Ultra-Indie" that transcends its meager budget to look like it's ready for the Prime Set at your local art house theatre. If you can find it, American Messiah is not to be missed! (06/04/06)
And I thought "The Asylum" was the biggest rip-off in flickstory. Dude, you gotta check out Bloody Murder! This redefines "Derivative"! This couldn't be more of a Rip-Off if it were made of Velcro. Damn, dude! (06/04/06)
Over the Hedge is the over-active comic strip adaptation from Dreamworks Animation... Who do you think would win in a battle between David Addison and David Banner? Check it out and watch the fun. (06/04/06)
YES! I don't call myself the RealTimeCritic for nothing. My review for the Oscar-nominated film The New World is as timely as it gets, appearing on this site only two months and twenty-one days since the Oscars and five months and one day since the film's release! Barry Allen, Jay Garrick and Wally West are all envious of my speed! (05/26/06)
Before Oldboy became an uncomfortable hit, its prequel Sympathy for Mr. Vengeance was following a similarly bloody path through the South Korean skewed scape of Cinema! Who's right, who's wrong? I still haven't any answers. (05/21/06)
Swiri (AKA: "Shiri") is an intelligent Korean action film that rises above it's plot holes to offer up some challenging questions abou-
Okay, to be honest, I only watched it for Kim Yoon-jin! I don't regret that either! (05/20/06)
And now for something completely different. And I do mean completely... An Independent Film out of Oklahoma called When I Find Bin Laden! Rarely has such an ambitious production been shot on a budget like this one... and actually succeeded! Cheers to James Bridges and Phigment Philms! (05/12/06)
Kimota! My long awaited article on The History and Saga of Miracleman has at last been posted for public consumption. It's a long and convoluted story about the most disputed character in all of comicdom. Finally, the whole history, from the 1930s to the present. (05/07/06)
The day is finally here... The Day of the Dead! Or, rather, the day I finally review Day of the Dead! Those of you who said it'd never come... you owe me a coke! (05/01/06)
You could say that I'm on an Argento kick right now, and you'd be right! But the truth is that the Argento I'm interested in is a whole lot hotter than Dario! You want to see a real city of the walking dead? Check out the Dario Argento written and produced Demoni. Too bad it doesn't take place... IN ASIA! (04/30/06)
You could say that I'm on a Foreign Movie kick right now... but that would imply that Nightmare City was actually a movie and not a montage of violence, boobs and bad makeup. Yes, folks, it's not just on UPN! (04/30/06)
In school I got in a few fights... but then again, too few to mention. Okay, I only WON too few to mention. But after watching Battle Royale, the excellent, yet SHOCKING Japanese thriller, I don't feel so bad about wailing on a few kids. I don't feel any better about the ones I lost though. (04/30/06)
Yes, I'm reviewing another French Film... would it make you feel better if I told you that Guillaume Canet is in it? No? What if I told you that Asia Argento is in it? Thaaaaaaaat's better! Check out Love Bites and see what I mean! (04/30/06)
What's your favorite Scary Movie? Well depending on your tastes, Scary Movie 4 could be your favorite FUNNY movie... or your least favorite. You'll have fun cracking up with it, but you just might owe your brain an apology! Notice King Kong made the poster... but they didn't have the funds to put him in the movie! (04/18/06)
Dead and What? Dead & Breakfast! Did I review this one right after "buried" just to have a similar-title double feature? Source Pundits say... I did! (04/08/06)
Dead and What? Dead & Buried! Can the creators of your favorite Xenomorph chill your bones with a Zombie Thriller? Source Pundits say... They can! (04/08/06)
When Aliens finally do come down to this planet, where will we be, what will we be doing and what will they find? I'm wondering if what they find just might be our collection of B-Movies. Could be. Then again... if they find Slither, maybe they won't mind too much. Hey, it's better than Syriana, and almost as comical! (04/03/06)
And now, further proof that either the Apocalypse is coming, or that we're all living in "The Matrix": Basic Instinct 2! (04/02/06)
A History of Violence isn't Cronenberg's "Weirdest" movie. In fact, on the surface, it's quite normal and mainstream. But just below the surface is a nightmare. It's still not weird enough to be ignored by ol' Oscar, of course, but one must wonder why Judge Dredd himself would stand for such Lawlessness! DROKK IT! (04/02/06)
It's been twenty years (which makes me feel pretty freakin' old!) since I last watched Carrie, and that's too damned long. While it's still not up to the high quality of the novel it's based on, Carrie is still one excellent scary movie, and the suspense works primarily because the object of horror is "the good guy". Man, I need to read the novel again! I love this movie! And I'm not just saying this because it's April Fool's Day! (04/01/06)
I like just about every movie I see... I can find something to love about almost everything, regardless of what the ultimate rating is. Yes, there's a grain of gold in every film... EXCEPT FOR CORPSES ARE FOREVER, upon which even flies refuse to land for fear of getting filthy. This movie should be buried in the desert with all those copies of the E.T. Atari Game! (03/30/06)
Who will win the Battle of the Century between The Squid and the Whale? Place your bets, place your bets. Okay... it's not that kind of movie honey. (03/25/06)
Shitty often lilting debt... I mean, CITY OF THE LIVING DEAD, isn't all that bad, considering all, in fact, it shows some coolness and Technical Skill. On the other hand... It's still a Lucio Fulci movie! (03/25/06)
What do you do when the dead take a swim? You get Naked and Join them! Yes, Zombie Lake most certainly sucks, but it's got all the B*Movie ingredients to keep you laughing throughout! (03/25/06)
Spike Lee brings us Inside Man, a tight and well constructed bank robbery thriller. I was surprised it worked this well. If I need to knock over a Savings and Loan, I'm calling Inside Man writer Russell Gewirtz first. (03/24/06)
In computer class my Junior Year in high school, Mi Amigo Kevin and I used to leave messages for the next class on the orange and black DOS screen like "Second Hour Sucks", and the like. When our big teacher commanded us not to do this anymore, we started going the opposite direction with statements like "I feel THAT way about Second Hour!", and the like. And now it's time for Lucio Fulci. As House by the Cemetery proves, I feel THAT way about Lucio Fulci. Damn. (03/22/06)
Unhinged is one of those movies that is scary once. And that once was back in 1982. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, it's just not all that great. Cult or no cult, surprises or no surprises, I'm hot for a different flick. (03/22/06)
Ready for your minimum deadly allowance of Murder, Mirth and Mayhem? It might be spoon fed to you with a heavy hand, but V For Vendetta is a fine film and a solid effort toward accurate adaptations. It doesn't QUITE make it, in spite of its perfect look, but then again, it should have stayed a Comic Book, am I right? (03/20/06)
One band will always spring to mind in my list of Favorites. This goes for in the studio and live. Live blows me away once again. I'm talking about The Sisters of Mercy, who give one of the best live shows since Sophocles got his Chorus together. Think that's an exaggeration? See them! (03/18/06)
Sometimes being a completist bites you on the balls. Take, for example, my desire to see the inspiration behind the infamous Halloween Mask that old Mike Myers wore in all those slasher flicks. Well, here it is! It's called The Devil's Rain, a cult movie with a cult following about a cult of followers of a satanic cult. It's not the kind of movie that you'd typically see with the description "All Star Cast", but it's got one. Another thing it has is a loyal group of fans... I'll be watching for you maniacs after you read my reluctant insult of The Devil's Rain! (03/17/06)
If this website were a family, clearly the Movie Reviews would wear the pants... unless they're for porn... this is, of course, a shame, because it causes me to wait to review a great show like that of Robyn Hitchcock with the Minus 5 and Richey Lam, which we saw on February 24, 2006. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know... lose the "wait"! (03/16/06)
Why does it always have to be serial killers and sickos? Why couldn't it have been The Hills Have Foxes and we'd find a bunch of scantily clad cave women who want to breed a new race? Or maybe The Hills have Star-Babes, and we'd find a bunch of Scantily Clad Alien Women who want to breed a new race? Or just go full on Skinemax and call it The Hills have Breasts! What's so wrong with that? Instead, we get The Hills Have Eyes, the 2006 Remake of the 1977 splatter flick. And, it's not so bad... but again... scantily clad women... sex... it never hurt anybody! (03/13/06)
It's been a long, long time since Americans have called Russia "The Evil Empire", but it sure looks like something is hiding under the surface over in Mighty Moscow! Look into the Gloom and check out Night Watch! (03/12/06)
Don't prejudge me for being prideful! Just check out my Oscar-follow up review for Pride & Prejudice. Did I mention Keira? (03/12/06)
What's the French word for "Backlog"? Back to the Oscar Promises with Cinderella Man. Could Jim Braddock punch out GLURGE? (03/11/06)
Sure I owe you guys some serious Oscar reviews, but after the Oscars, my readership slowed down like sex after your honeymoon. So, I shall continue to sell out with what you people WANT to read about. Violence, Death, Naked Women, Serial Killers and profanity. BUT, I'm demanding one major concession. This sick flick has to be FRENCH! AH? Here's Haute Tension! (03/10/06)
My daily (or bi-daily) Netflix order was met with great excitement. Munich is on DVD! Munich is on DVD! One of my favorite Oscar flicks has made it at last. This is what I get for surfing the net without my contacts in! It wasn't Munich... It was Maniac! Yeah, that Joe Spinell flick... Remember Joe? He's a Maniac, Maniac on the floor... and he's... oh, just check out the Maniac review and see! (03/10/06)
Breaking from my Oscar owes, it's time to tell you about Oldboy. This is like Saw, Lost and a certain Clive Barker novella all wrapped in one! And then it booms into something much more shocking and violent than those others even dreamed of. Recommended, but not for everyone! (03/09/06)
1/3 French, 1/3 Brogue English, 1/3 German, 100% Oscar Worthy! Joyeux Noel is a Christmas Movie that literally Blows Away all the others. Sure it's life-affirming and beautiful, but it's also a War Flick... so duck! (03/08/06)
My tomato family ran back to where I was slowly writing reviews, squashed me and yelled KETCHUP! So, here's The Constant Gardener, which only shows up THREE FULL days after the Oscar ceremony honoring it! Hey, maybe I'm behind on my reviews because I've constantly been in the garden growing Killer Tomatoes... didja think of that? (03/08/06)
Good evening... the sensitive non-threatening review of North Country is posted like a letter, and linked through your favorite new page, and mine, The 2005 Oscar Picks and Pans of yours truly. Good night, and Good Luck. I think I'll start saying that now. It's original, right? (03/06/06)
That Mr. Eko... Man! Close one there, no? Ah, anyway! Much further south than Eko's homeland are the stomping grounds of a tsotsi named Tsotsi, who is the main character in a film called Tsotsi. One foot in the gutter, one fist in the gold! Oh, hell... it's back on! (03/01/06)
Oh, man, that Ethan! He keeps poppin' up in the strangest... heh, heh, heh! Ah, yes, yes. You know, the next time some greasy haired "Tween" speeds by me in the Grocery Store using those obnoxious shoes with the skates in the heel, I'm going to shove that turd into the display pyramid of Dinty Moore Beef Stew, or maybe those "Appetite Appeasin'" Western Style Beans as hard as I can. I admit that doesn't have a whole ass load to do with my review for Murderball, but it came to mind, so I thought I'd say it. But come to think of it, I can see old Mark or Joe doing something like that just to be... EXTREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEME! (03/01/06)
First commercial interruption! Speaking of Lost, imagine, if you would, how lost you'd be as a transgender who has discovered that SHE has FATHERED a Child! Transamerica is the movie... let's watch the fun. Oh, and Felicity Huffman does get full frontally naked in this one, but... I'm not sure how much it will do for you... especially the first time! (03/01/06)
Wanna see Syriana, Brianna? Grab Jenna and lets head to the theatre. Watch out, though... there are "Messages" being thrown about like shot puts, and are heavier than Roseanne! KOO KOO! But, to be fair MESSAGE is written all over most of the 2005 Oscar Nominees, so I should shaddap! (03/01/06)
I just have ONE question:
Ya'll ready ready ready for 3, 3, 3, 311?
If you are, Click Here for my review of the incredible 2/27/06 concert from Nick, S.A., P-Nut, Tim and Chad, collectively known as 311!
If not, click on this =>
I've been so busy... Dudes, since I posted the below review I've watched Seven Movies and been to TWO concerts... Damn. I've got about as much time to write as Marty McFly had to save Doc Brown. Sigh. This also means I don't have time to CHEAT ON MY WIFE. O'Course that has less to do with time than... just, no. Know what though? I love Match Point anyway! (02/28/06)
There is a coating of joy sometimes on otherwise emotionless situations... and people. To experience a groovy movie rife with comedy but still with the sharp intelligence that makes a film Oscar-worthy, might I present Junebug!?!?! (02/23/06)
This movie has it all... Drama, Incredible Acting, Comedy, Great Directing, Pathos, a Great Script... and NAKED WOMEN FROM BOW TO STERN AND FROM PORT TO STARDOM! I do, have and will salute ANYTHING that Mrs. Henderson Presents!
Actually, I think I meant "Starboard"... Naked Women make me Tongue Tied! (02/22/06)
As good as it is, it's hard not to wish for a little more from Hustle & Flow. As it is it's pretty darned good and proves that Terrence Howard is well worth every kind word said about his acting. However, there's something missing... just not from his performance! (2/21/06)
It's Twisted, It's Shocking, It's Beautiful, It's Maddening! It's Nominated for BEST PICTURE! It's Crash, and you can't avoid it! (02/20/06)
And now for our rebuttal... From the heart of the Palestinian Territories, Paradise Now. Watching this so close to Munich was an experience to say the least. If nothing else, I'm amazed that a Muslim Palestinian and an American Jew can make two such different movies that compliment each other so very well. (02/20/06)
Kneumsi's Mother: Are you gonna do "Munich"???
Kneumsi: I'm married, and wouldn't have the time to have a sexual liaison with each citizen of that city even if I wasn't!
Kneumsi's Mother: Are you going to see and review Munich????
Kneumsi: Oh, sure... Click here for my review of Munich! (02/20/06)
I hear Joaquin a-comin', he's comin' 'round the Bend, and he ain't won an award since... well, he won that Golden Globe for best actor in Musical or Comedy for Walk The Line. Deserved it too. Ah, well, so much for my new song... Better check out some better ones anyway by clicking here! (02/20/06)
Although it's been nominated for a number of Oscars, Good Night, and Good Luck. is fully worth the Edward R. Murrow award for Journalism. It's a small film that deserves a big audience. I can't believe I'm saying this but Clooney deserves his Oscar nomination... amazingly! (02/19/06)
Twenty Four's second Fifth Season day is the beginning of a day JACK never wanted to see. But when he becomes the HULK he'll save the day! (02/12/06)
Twenty Four in 2006... EVERY TIME HE THINKS HE'S OUT THEY PULL HIM BACK IN AGAIN!!! (02/12/06)
Two things are completely factual about Final Destination 3... this really wasn't necessary, and the other two made enough money that there was no way this wasn't going to happen. One more thing... if you liked the first two, you'll like this one. It's not "excellent", but it is great fun, kids. (02/12/06)
If Final Destination was so final, then how did we end up with a Final Destination 2. Maybe this isn't a great movie, but I freakin' love it. Check it out, but don't expect it to match the original. (02/12/06)
Final Destination is a great, original and ground-breaking horror movie. I'd say "like no other", but they've made two sequels to date, soooooooooooooo... (02/12/06)
When you need your minimum deadly allowance of horror, action and hotties, might I recommend Underworld Evolution? It sure beats a "Wagon Wheel" for that hankerin' you're carryin' around! (02/04/06)
Bros, oh, Bros... The Matador was a perfect fit for you... but too silly to rise above the obvious "Bull" jokes you knew I would have to make about this. (02/04/06)
Get your Caboose into the theatre but quick to check out Capote. Phillip Seymour Hoffman gives his best performance to date as the charismatic, if annoying Truman Capote. You may not like Capote himself, but I'd wager you'll love Hoffman's acting. (01/30/06)
Sleepaway Camp, now that's what I call a freaky slasher flick. Man, I've never been so disturbed by an ending or annoyed by a cast. I think I'll watch it again. (01/28/06)
The Dead Walk and no one seems to mind in this French Drama. But then, I guess that's France for you. Hey, Les Revenants is as different as "Zombie" movies get... for one thing, I don't see any Zombies! Huzzah! (01/28/06)
I'm a true creature of habit. I might not smoke six packs a day, but I'll watch as many Uma Thurman movies as humanly possible... and like it! Sadly, there's nothing much but her to like in Batman & Robin. Admittedly, even she competes for the chalice of the hams award... but man is she ever beautiful! (01/17/06)
Ulla, Uma. Uma, Ulla... have you kids met Oprah? The Producers is a must for musical fans and a must for Mel Brooks fans. Others... well, I'm both a Mel Brooks and musical fan, so I don't know, man! (01/17/06)
Because I'm long winded enough without a year's retrospective, here's my own version of the Best and Worst lists... not to mention the most HELLO!!! moments of 2005. Here's "The Top Five of Oh Five"! (01/07/06)
Zathura can be great fun... with the right spin on it! (01/07/06)
The 2006 Roll Out Continues with The Wit and Wisdom of Brother Kneumsi! You'll laugh, you'll get angry, you'll... send me hate mail... but you'll excuse me if this is technically still "Under Construction"! (01/04/06)
New year, new look, new feature... The Dead Man of the Year Awards! No, it's not what you'd expect from the site with more Zombie reviews than any other kind! (01/02/06)
I know you still have indigestion from my Thanksgiving Turkey, but now it's time to sink your teeth into the Christmas time Stringy Bird! It's called Christmas Evil... I got your Christmas Turkey Hangin'! Whew! Move over Mr. Hankey! This is the real Christmas Poo! (12/24/05)
The good news is that if you can't get enough War of the Worlds, there's plenty of it, especially in 2005, the year in which no less than three versions hit theatres... the bad news is... well, just check out my review of H. G. Wells' War of the Worlds and see for yourself! (12/23/05)
Cows may come and Cows may go, but the big bull ape in this place seems to never, ever end. Straight out of Nippon, here comes your friend and mine King Kong Escapes! This one's yet another goofy one with Kong looking buck toothed and idiotic, but I'll take "Escapes" over "Lives" any old day!!! (12/22/05)
Call me Nostalgic, but I felt the need to check out a little Vintage Sci-Fi this time. How about a big bowl full of George Pal's The War of the Worlds. You gotta love it, just as it is... but you can see the strings! (12/22/05)
Today is the day that Serenity has finally been released on DVD. To celebrate, I've finally released my account (and photos) of The Universal Studios Hollywood Serenity Fan Fest. It's a long one, but essentially, it's the story of a group of people who really believe in the movie they've created.
Why didn't I release it back in September? Partially because I was waiting for this moment, partially because I was far too depressed about the viewing public who can't risk something different. The film might not have done well in Theatres, but the movie is still incredible. The DVD was well worth the wait. My release of the Serenity Fan Fest article is definitely worth the WEIGHT of this reporter! Check it out! (12/20/2005)
The same day I saw Kong I watched The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe. I knew what to expect from my Gorilla friend, and was very happy with what I got. Narnia blew me away. I've seen it twice already, and I'm hyped for numero tres! Disney and Walden wanted the money New Line and Warners are garnering for their fantasy franchises... Luckily they're getting it with a fantastic film! (12/18/05)
It's just one of those hazards of mountain hiking that you could be just marching along and you come across two gay men having sex! All you could ask for is that it be handled in a good and tasteful way... and if you're really lucky, if the whole thing could come from the director of the HULK! Click HERE for my review of Brokeback Mountain and LIKE it!! (12/17/05)
This Blue Eyed Pop... is just... fab-u-lous! You never know what you're going to find in a Brian De Palma flick. In this case, you'll find one of my favorite thrillers from when I was a kiddo. It's called The Fury, and if it seems familiar, that's only because it's been imitated. Unfortunately, some of the imitators did it a little bit better. (12/17/05)
Okay, damn it, there will be more Kong soon (like you haven't gotten enough already!), but fiiiiiiiiiiiiiiirst, let's get conquered by... THE FRENCH! THE FRENCH! Ah HA! Oui Oui! It's the scary and suspenseful violation thriller known as [Caché]. It's unquestionably the sweetest little movie since Deliverance! (11.15.2005)
It's finally here, and the wait is over! KING KONG is shaking the ground and catching all the chicks from Skull Island to Manhattan Island! Is it worth the wait? Is it worth the hype? Let's just call it a smash and leave it at that! (12/14/05)
King Kong has a little brother with a Heart of Gold. It's true, his name is Mighty Joe Young, and he's right up there with Yoda, the Crypt Keeper, and Frank Black in my list of favorites! (12/14/05)
Should you expect anything but the Ice Cold from a film called The Ice Harvest? Probably not, but noting that you're getting it from none other than Harold Ramis might be one of those things that make you go HMMMMMMMMMMM! (12/14/05)
Announcing my first ever "Guest Review", penned by the lovely and talented Lynelle Lund. Check out The Peacekeepers, if you can. Considering its slow release, this review might be as close to the film as you're going to get! (12/13/05)
"Hello, Mr. Tako!"
"Hello Mr. Burrito!"
"Where are Mister Beans and Mister Rice?"
"On the side, of course!"
"Did we miss Mr. Chips?"
"He came on first, then we had to say Goodbye Mr. Chips!"
Okay, maybe that exchange isn't actually in King Kong Versus Godzilla, but it might as well have been. This one is comedy fodder at its best/ worst! (12/10/05)
Taking a quick break from the Theme, it's time for Sophie Scholl - Die letzten Tage, the 2005 German film about "The White Rose" ("die Weiße Rose"), and the final days of their most famed member. There are thousands of World War II films, but it's rare that you'll find one like this! (12/10/05)
And you thought the second Matrix sequel was rushed to Production! Check out the Dazzling effect, yet minimal story of the admittedly charming Son of Kong! You might want to think twice before offering this kid a Banana! (12/06/05)
In 1976 a new version of King Kong was released to great profit for one Dino De Laurentiis! What it didn't get was too terribly much Critical Acclaim. Now, reviewing it as only King Kneumsi can (or does this make me "Kneumsi Kong"?), here's the sarcastic, yet still generous, review for King KoRn! Uh, Make that Kong! (12/06/05)
Roll out the Barrel! Oh, wait, that's not King Kong, that's DONKEY Kong! Regardless, the 1933 King Kong is still making Hollywood Ripples today. It was a Smash, a Big Movie, and it CLIMBED to the top of the charts at MONSTER speed. Check it out... IF YOU DARE! (12/06/05)
It's getting a little HAIRY around here, and you know why! THE KING KONG SHOP just opened with more Kong than you can shake a stick at. This is accompanied by Garish pictures of me holding Kong in my hand, me smashing things and throwing some CRAP around, and of course REVIEWS, REVIEWS, REVIEWS! And if you think I'm jumping on a Bandwagon because Peter Jackson's King Kong is hitting Theatres in just ten days, then you're HIGH! The original King Kong was only just recently released on DVD, so this man is digging IN! (12/06/05)
I've actually been writing an assload of reviews over the past week, but haven't been posting them because I'm waiting for a big, fat hairy roll out. Speaking of Ass, you need to check out Juliette Marquis' in This Girl's Life! It's anything but big, fat or hairy! The good news is, she's not just hot... she can act! (12/04/05)
They don't make films like this anymore. At least not in the USA. If you have the attention span of your average ant farm, you need not apply to Sweet Land. However, if you're interested in an atypical and artistic story, driven by characters, drama and the expansive cinematography by David Tumblety, welcome to Sweet Land! (11/29/05)
Want to see a Killer Movie? Let Kill! do the job! 1968's Kiru (aka Kill!) is the heartwarming tale of a former samurai who finds a reason to live again... Well, that and to chop off more arms than the entire Star Wars Sextet combined. And, um... did I mention this was a comedy? (11/27/05)
In her new stand up comedy feature Sarah Silverman: Jesus is Magic, Sarah Silverman works hard on being edgy, offensive and funny. Two out of Three ain't bad. To be fair, yeah, the jokes are easy to get, and easy to deem as "edgy", but never manage to be really offensive (you know you're being baited from the start), and only occasionally become funny. (11/26/05)
It's Thanksgiving Day, 2005, and I just posted a review for a movie I loved. Therefore, I think it's time that I initiate a brand new WorldsGreatestCritic.com tradition. Each year, on Thanksgiving, I shall review a real TURKEY! This year, I could scarcely have asked for a worse stuffed bird. Here it is... it's called Corpses, it stars Jeff Fahey and it sucks like you wouldn't believe. You're all invited to consume this one with me... what do you think, sirs? (11/24/05)
It's One AM on Thanksgiving Morning, and readers-o-mine, lemme tell ya, I'm thankful for Rent. This is one beautiful movie of one beautiful play, but you'll need the tissues because it's a tear jerker. I've spell checked it but not proof read it, frankly because, well, I'm going the fuck to sleep. Good morrow to you, Bohemians! (11/24/05 [barely])
Speaking of Forgetting. It turns out that I watched Chicken Little a week or so ago... and I just, like... forgot. This Guy is Falling! (11/22/05)
Forget what you think you know about the character of Tom Ripley. If you haven't read the books, you've got no clue. Stephen Ujlaki does, though... and the adaptation he produced of Ripley Under Ground has enough class to fill up a University Roster. Unbury Ripley Under Ground for a hell of a fun and funny ride! (11/22/05)
Lucio Fulci was considered the king of Italian Horror Movies. How does the film widely considered to be his best stack up? Check out The Beyond and see for yourself! (11/19/2005)
Shaun of the Dead. The Comedy is subtle... the Horror isn't. When there's Zombie Ass to be kicked, Shaun is strapping on his Kicking Boot... and he may throw in a DVD Player on sale! (11/19/05)
Fandom Films... they're attractive to the masses, they're addictive to the punk-asses. Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire is sure to make another bus load of dough and to interest fanatics and normals alike... but if you go see it, be prepared for a line of costumed nomads reciting Latin-sounding gibberish and all manner of other silly things (writes the man with Darth Tater, General Grievous, Yoda, Space Jockey, Superman, Green Lantern, R2-D2, Stan, Kenny, Cartman, Kyle, Clone Trooper, Spawn, Maria from Metropolis, a framed picture of Bugs and Daffy and a framed, and autographed, poster of Serenity right here on his desk). Perspective. Tradition. (11/18/05)
There are secrets we keep and choices we make that define who we are to others and who we are to ourselves. In the incredible World War II film The Aryan Couple we see the world through the capable lens of director John Daly, who shows us a truth all the uglier because he has shown us the beauty of peace. The greatness is yet to be seen. (11/15/05)
There's a lot to be said for smart films, a lot to be said for Gangster Films, and a lot to be said for the genre-busters that break the mold of both. If you can catch it, check out 10th and Wolf. It might not be easy to watch, but nothing worth doing is ever easy, is it? (11/9/5)
Unit, Corps, God, Country... the individual is just a Jarhead. At a glance, Jarhead might not be perfect, and might be a little transparent with what it tries to do... but the sum of its parts is a total that puts it up there with some of my favorite war films of all time. (11/7/5)
Some of you will read this to find out the truth about Dominion: Prequel to The Exorcist! Some of you will view the page just to see my 2005 Halloween Costume. Some of you will browse to that article looking for information on Rex Sharp: Eskimo Spy! (Those people will be sorely disappointed, because there is no information on him or on Guy Spry, Bowtie Private Eye)! Some of you won't read this at all. As to the first three groups, Click HERE for my review of Dominion: Prequel to The Exorcist! It's a real head turner... I mean PAGE turner... PAGE turner! (11/4/5)
One more thing... It's Halloween Day, and you well know that NOTHING scares Brother Kneumsi more than Continuity Errors. In the tradition of the Complete Works of Gregory Benford, I give you Highlander: The Final Dimension. There can be only... Ah, screw it! (10/31/05)
What's Halloween for the World's Greatest Critic without at least one new Zombie Review. Death Valley: The Revenge of Bloody Bill is every bit as good as its title suggests it might be... which isn't very. However, I think you'll find some fun and laughs herein! (10/30/05)
It is Halloween Weekend, after all, so hows-a-bout a werewolf movie to lick your chops to? Take a bite out of Dog Soldiers! Surprisingly it's not only a fun movie... it's pretty damned well done! (10/30/05)
The odds of me giving two shining reviews in a row are slim to NADA! However, Thomas Ikimi's Limbo, is most certainly worth all five of my stars. The fact that this great and full-length piece was reportedly filmed over less than three weeks with a budget of less than ten grand makes this an incredible triumph. Man, I gotta start watching Crappier movies, or else I'm just a Fan Boy, man! (10/29/05)
The best kind of film is the kind that tells its story well with the right tools in exactly the right time. When I was mailed a copy of Shoot-Out for review consideration, I thought I knew what I was in for... I didn't. Neither will you be, until the surprising final scene. (10/28/05)
Heralding the Unrated Widescreen DVD Release of George A. Romero's Land of the Dead, I thought it was time for me to revisit, re-watch, re-review and re-rate an unsung entry into his works, known as Night of the Living Dead: The 1990 Remake! It seems that this one never really got a fair shake, including from me. Is it a WONDERFUL movie? No... it's a Zombie film. But as far as those go, judging it fairly, it's not as bad as all that... (10/19/05)
He's not a Hero, he's not an Anti-Hero... he's more of an... apathy-Hero. His name is Hound, he's such an Opie and he's back! No, this isn't the sequel to Sunnyvale, this is the new and improved version, which garnered a whole 'nother star! Click here to see why Sunnyvale: Opie Gets Laid has grabbed Four Stars out of Five! (10/18/05)
Lo-ovin' you, Keira Knightley, is e-easy 'cause your beautiful... but loving Domino takes some Prozac to do. Man, you'd think the director of The Hunger and the writer of Donnie Darko would have pulled a bigger gem out of their hats. (10.16.5)
Just like a sad song says so much, a bad movie is just what the Doc ordered from time to time, and Hell of the Living Dead does it like an on-ramp hooker! It's so bad, it's good. Almost... Almost! (10.16.5)
There will come a day, when youth will pass away, and I'll still owe some Independent Reviews! But until then, I'm going to be watching Tim Burton's Corpse Bride. Let me tell you, if the dead are as cute as she is, maybe this whole youth passing away thing isn't so scary after all! (10/10/05)
Now, in Slackervision, Ed Radmanich's Artie Saves the Hood! This is the kind of comedy you can watch time after time. It's silly Sci-Fi fun, and the special effects are both clever and... hilarious! (10/06/05)
I'm a smooth pimp who loooooooooooooooooves the Indies... but my ambition in life is to become a black manservant... or is that a black man's servant? Okay, that sounded gay. Anyway, tune in for Under Surveillance! In another dimension, with voyeristic intentions, well secluded, Dave Campfield sees all! (10/06/05)
In 2002, Joss Whedon's great sci-fi series Firefly was thrown in a pauper's grave after only 11 of the 14 episodes aired. Amazingly Universal Studios optioned the rights (it was a Fox show) to make a movie, and they did, with Joss Whedon as writer and director, the original cast, a budget of 40 million bucks and an advertising campaign rivaling "Got Milk"! Serenity is here, and she's beautiful. Will we see her again? That depends on you, your ticket buying habits and your DVD buying habits. Look I've already paid to see it twice (four times if you count the fact that I brought my wife and daughter with me the second time)... it's your turn! (10.3.05)
Welcome once again to "Just Plane Suspenseful"... although in these two episodes you don't really see the Plane at all. What am I talking about? Oh, I don't know if you've heard, but there's a little TV show about a crash-load of people stuck on an Island with more mystery and supernature than a whole season of Joan of Arcadia? Yeppers, I mean Season Two of Lost has started with an even bigger bang than the last time. And I'm riveted, wide-eyed and clutching my Season One DVD with all my Might! Huzzah! (09/29/05)
Welcome back to "Just Plane Suspenseful" Volume Two... Flightplan, COME ON DOWN! You're the next contestant on "Just Plane Suspenseful"! It says here that you're transparent and obvious from the first point people get to know you, but you're pretty and you act well... BUZZ, oh, there's the buzzer! That means we're out of time, folks! Let's hear more from you... after the break! (9.26.5)
Welcome to "Just Plane Suspenseful" Volume One... Please welcome our first contestant, Red Eye, a motion picture from Hollywood, California whose ambition in life is to give up 3/4 of the way through and become a Wes Craven Film! (9.26.5)
By Grapthor's Hammer... what a movie. Cry_Wolf is one of those movies that isn't terribly great, but manages to end up being pretty endearing in spite of itself. Hey, I love Tales from the Crypt Presents: Demon Knight too, but I wouldn't give it all THAT many stars! (9.22.5)
In reaction to the frequently stated opinion that today's horror flicks are poisoning the American Cinema, Bob and Harvey have catapulted Venom. It bites! And from the amount of advertisements that it's gotten, they knew it too! (9/18/05)
When Rosemary's Baby collides with LA Law, you might get a fresh bowl full of The Exorcism of Emily Rose, a surprising and different kind of scary movie, just a stone's throw from top notch! (9/12/5)
On the cutting edge of every TV Season, I am now reviewing the May 23, 2005 season finale of 24. Yeah, I know, I know... it's September 9, 2005, I'm sorry, I tried saving money by buying a calendar with no 7 on it, and it threw everything off. I'd call to order a new one, but... my phone has no 6. (9.9.5)
It's Labor Day Weekend, and you know what that means! One more sobriety slaying review for The Long Beach Blues Festival! 2005 is a good year! (09/05/05)
Before I tuck you in tonight, I think I'll open this book and read you a little bit from The Brothers Grimm, in a way that only Terry Gilliam can retell the tales... or would... or should! (8/30/05)
Read about my brush with OzzFest. There won't be a review, but read the article and you'll see why. (8/22/05)
It's Attack of the Kôji Suzuki Movies Volume Two! Well, actually, no, it's not! But the advertising campaign of Skeleton Key sure would like you to think so. Look, it's not bad... at least not terrible, but it makes me wonder this... does anyone have any original ideas for Horror Movies anymore? I can't think of a single original one this year. Land of the Dead, maybe, but that was even a sequel. Damn! (5.15.5)
It's Attack of the Kôji Suzuki Movies Volume One! Yep, Dark Water is most definitely a Kôji Suzuki movie, and you can tell that right away. The question is... what other ideas might the poor man have? (8.15.5)
Stargate SG-1 moved from Showtime and became the Sci-Fi powerhouse that replaced Farscape! Now, in an ironic move that would make the Gorbechev speeches at Washington University look like a model of normalcy, the cast of Farscape has taken over Stargate SG-1, with the 9th season Premiere: "Avalon". It's not the most original thing in the world, but it sure beats that Brittany and Kevin reality series. Moore boobilicious too! (08/06/05)
It's T.V. Time again, folks, and as sure as Sapporo is Sweet, I'm going to get nerdy reviewing the first three episodes of Battlestar Galactica's second season (Check Out: "Scattered", "Valley of Darkness" and "Fragged"). Sure, it's a good show, and I'm surprised by its successes, but when its flaws are as easy to see as Jenna Jameson's private parts, the World's Greatest Critic has to comment! Huzzah! (07/31/05)
The Pink Floyd Laser Spectacular is something to see and, of course, to hear. It's best when it uses its own merits as tools, rather than becoming an amalgam of other works. Still, it's as close to being swept into a dream as you can get and still be sober. Not that sobriety is a necessity, or anything! (7/23/05)
It's ATTACK OF THE INDIE SHORTS Part Two: Apartment 206, Gregory Zymet's Surreal Single Reel of Unreal Reality! It won't feel familiar, it won't feel stale, it won't feel predictable, and it certainly won't feel like the work of a first time director. (7/20/05)
Ah, yes, WorldsGreatestCritic.com, where the reviews flow like a Chocolate River. Actually now that I see that in writing that sounds kind of Nasty! Humph! Okay, I'll be sweet. Check out my review for Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. Wait, stop, don't! (7/19/05)
Like all things, the comic book film bubble is going to burst sooner or later, but the first weekend box office receipts for Fantastic Four show that if you throw in enough extreme sports and silly, yet sanitized, sexual references, the Teens will come out in Droves! While Jessica Alba is truly 2 good 2 be 4gotten, the Fantastic Four flick on the whole is fun, but FOURgettable! (7/11/5)
So, this week my wife visits our insurance agent and comes home with an increased life insurance policy for me to look at.
I said, No, not now, because we didn't need to be spending more money just yet, and I didn't see the need popping up within the next 30 days or so. She responded with how important this was and that we really needed to do this. I stood firm. She said that we really needed to increase this in case something terrible happens. I said I agreed, but not now based on finances, so please inform the insurance agent that we would be waiting on this one.
The next day she returned home stating that although she thought she was only discussing a possibility with State Farm, in fact she had actually accidentally increased the life insurance on my by two hundred thousand dollars more than it was. So she got her wish without my say in it.
That's when I realized… My wife is going to kill me. Literally. Never before have I seen her so vehement on an issue, and the fact that it turned out to be Life Insurance… on me… and it kicked in without me knowing about it… I'm dead, folks! I'll update my will to include you… if I have the time.
But of course, I'm hardly worried about it now... the world is coming to an end and there will neither be life, nor insurance soon... See War of the Worlds for details! Just don't try to blame all this on Xenu! (7/5/5)
Batman Begins back in 1939 and Batman continues to this day, amid the chaos of campy TV and flicks of varying quality. And while at times, Batman Begins to piss me off, let's not forget that Batman has evolved with the help of many fathers and mothers throughout the decades at the typewriter and the drafting board, and if this Batman isn't exactly right, it's better than the vast majority of the non-printed bat-lore out there. Casual observer or Comic Book Geek like me, you'll dig it. (7/3/5)
It's been 37 years since 1968, Dearies, so MAY I ASK... What the hell you got that makes you so damned superior, and give me such a headache? Well, if you really wanna know, 1948, I've got George A. Romero's Land of the Dead! If you know the series, you'll love it... if you don't know the series... change that! (6/27/05)
It's ATTACK OF THE INDIE SHORTS Part One: Broken A Tale by Alex Ferrari! It's a stylish achievement from a director you'll be hearing from again soon! (6/24/05)
The Amityville Horror by Jay Anson is a great merger between the novel-style narrative and the documentary form of prose... that is, if you believe it. Yep, I still have that well-worn hardcover first edition, and while it was the scariest thing I'd ever read when I believed it, coming back to it for the second time as a Cynical adult, I see its flaws. Great for a fright, but a Pulitzer Prize? Nah! (6/1/05))
Naturally I want to bask in the glow of Star Wars for as long as possible, but hey, it's Season Finale Season. There are a lot I need to catch up on, but howsabout a taste of some Desperate Housewives to whet the old appetite-bone? Ah? Ah? Enjoy the first season finale, entitled "One Wonderful Day"! (5/24/05)
What? Two derivative minor flicks in a row? Well, whereas that last thing I saw didn't bother to use the attributes given to it (Paris), this one does (Will Ferrell)... Feel free to give Kicking & Screaming a kick and see if it makes you scream! (5/16/05)
Guess what? House of Wax is nothing more than just another Teen Slasher Flick! What? You already knew that from the Preview? Damn! (5/9/5)
Everything I've ever written is a vain failure to emulate the writing style of the great Douglas Adams! You can see why reviewing The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy would be hard for me, especially with such a nitpicker's heart! Reviews have been mixed, and yes, my review, too, is mixed, but I can say I was more pleased than Displeased with it! (5/2/05)
Todd Solondz' Palindromes is an interesting and artistic experiment. However, with some of the uncomfortable shock value herein, one can't help but wonder if one is being Baited! (5/2/05)
Does The Black Hole suck? Nice pun, but some science fiction fans say yes, while others call it a sci-fi classic. Me? I'm somewhere in the middle, appreciating what this movie is, but still seeing the flaws like a beautiful girl with bad teeth. Still, check it out (by clicking here) and see what you think... just be open minded! (4/26/05)
I have my streaks, and this one you can smell a mile away. Here comes the awful bad, yet somehow still watchable Amityville 3-D. With a "Well" moment you'll find oddly familiar and an early film role for Meg Ryan, you might laugh more than you scream. And that's just at my review! (4/25/05)
Ever see one of those horror movies that was bad, but you still sort of... liked it? Amityville II: The Possession, which probably should have been called Amityville Negative One: The Preoccupation, is just such a cheesy, but fun movie. Check it out... but only if you know the corn swamp you're getting in to. (4.22.05)
The Amityville Horror was a compelling story when it was assumed to be real... now, the original movie (that spawned 7 Sequels) has been remade... It's better than the original, but it still sucks! (4.18.5)
From Tickled Pink to Pickled Red, From Manhunter to Red Dragon. Compare and contrast! Write an Essay of 8 to 10 pages... Email Me the results. Just kidding. (4/12/05)
You'll be tickled pink to discover what a happy laugh riot the uplifting House of Sand and Fog is! NOT! (4/8/05)
It's fun, it's creepy, it's over the top, it's hot, and it's just about a half-hour too long. The Devil's Advocate is just a click away. (4/6/05)
James Ricardo's Sunnyvale is ultra-indie, from the film scratch throughout a whole reel to the fade-to-black cuts. It's also ultra-funny from the opening binge to the closing credits. Check it out if you can find it! (4/4/05)
The prayers for a "True" Comic Book movie have finally been answered with Frank Miller's Sin City, a graphic novel brought to life by its original creator, with a little help from the director of Desperado, the director of Pulp Fiction and an all star cast! See it! (4/4/05)
Angelina Jolie is so hot she can't possibly be real! But Taking Lives is so damned bad I could barely believe it was real. Check it out... but don't turn it off before the hotness starts! (3/30/05)
One of Rock's best bands is back with Lullabies to Paralyze. Queens of the Stone Age may look a little different considering the Line-Up change, but change is a constant, and the music is incredible. Besides, with such collaborators as Billy Gibbons, Chris Goss and Mark Lanegan, Dave Catching, Dave Catching and Dave Catching, who could complain, mi amigos? (3/29/05)
For good measure, I thought I'd include a review of Psycho II too, which happens to star Meg Tilly, for good measurements! (3/28/05)
It's time to re-view and to review Psycho. Come on... without even clicking on this, you know what rating I gave it, right? (3/28/05)
Well, I've finally gotten around to reviewing The Office... unfortunately, it's not the one I love, it's The Office: An American Workplace from NBC! To keep this from being a dour and depressing review, I've enlisted the aid of two and a half of your old friends. (3/25/05)
The Ring Two is less a continuation of the dreamy scares of The Ring and much more just another 2005 weak horror flick. You'll find something to like, I'm sure, but much more, you'll wonder where the rest of the movie is, as the padded plot drags and plods along. (3/21/05)
Bridging the gap between The Ring and The Ring Two is the short film Rings. At only sixteen minutes in length, it might take you longer to read my review than to watch the film! (3/18/05)
Every so often the Hollywood Hype of "Great fun for all ages" actually proves true. Don't believe me? Check out Robots, and have a good time doing it! (3/14/05)
In a nostalgic mood? Feel like a corny Synth-Score with New-Wave Clothes and looming 1980's architecture? Look no further than Manhunter, the first Hannibal "Lektor" movie! (3/14/05)
As a part of a Trilogy of Terror, Roman Polanski gave the world 1965's Repulsion. Pop it in and let the walls crumble around you. (3/11/05)
I rather like Scream, so I was certain that Cursed was worth my time. While it wasn't so bad, Wes Craven and Kevin Williamson's new Werewolf Film suffers from a forced feeling of been-there-done-that. (3.7.05)
The Jacket, in which a delusional Gulf War Marine uses a Straight Jacket to Travel through Time and see Keira Knightley naked, comes across as a superior version of The Butterfly Effect. Not perfect, but damned good! (3.7.05)
Sick, Twisted and Prescient, Thomas Harris' Red Dragon is a bloody thrilling Mystery... and it launched the exploits of our boy Hannibal Lecter too! (3/4/05)
DC/ Vertigo's great mystical mystery comic Hellblazer has come to near-life in the form of Constantine... I liked it... but I wanted to Love it! (2/18/05)
Ong-bak isn't a "New" movie, but it just received wide release in the USA on 2/11/05... and if it's not new... it's new to us. Give Thailand's Ong-bak a shot... even though it's rated R for adult language, violence, drug use... uh, don't bring the kids. (2/22/05)
I'm a sucker for Scooby-Doo, even in a modern self-parody with all the numbers colored in except the laugh track. Check out my review for The Scooby Doo Valentine's Day Special and see what I mean! (2/14/05)
Yes, Yes, Yes, there's nothing like a little Phantasm to remind you that you're alive. And there's nothing like an unashamedly cheesy movie to remind you that life's a Pizza. Check out the goodies the "Lady in Lavender" is sportin', though, Amigo! (2/8/05)
Instead of a "Wardrobe Malfunction", we get American Dad, the new show from Family Guy-creator Seth Macfarlane. Do you like Family Guy? Well this one is just like it... almost! (2/7/05)
Remember what a great movie Predator 2 was? So do I... and we apparently remember WRONG! (1/27/05)
For those who like a little thought with their Sci-Fi, Battlestar Galactica's first two episodes "33" and "Water" may not be perfect, but they're pretty damned good. Give them a shot, whether you're a Science Fiction fan or not! With Edward James Olmos and Mary McDonnell in the lead spots, you might be surprised at what you see... I was! (1/19/05)
Interested in Oceanic Horror with a little something different? Check out the Master back at work here on Peter Benchley's White Shark! (1/18/05)
Enterprise returns in mid-fourth season with a smart, yet twisted episode called "Daedelus"! (1/17/05)
From Zombies to Sea Monsters to Revenge Dramas... you can see my Streaks all over this page like exhaust trails near an airport! The Streak this week? Spy Shit! Check out my review of the first two hours of Twenty-Four's Fourth Season. It's not perfect, but it beats the hell out of watching My Big Fat Obnoxious Boss! Sigh. (01/10/05)
Out of the Sea and up on to the Cold Mountain with Jude Law, Nicole Kidman, Renée Zellweger, and almost anybody else in Hollywood who can cry "cameo"! Cool movie, not the coolest though! (1/5/5)
Under water Terror? SIGN ME UP! Okay, so Open Water isn't the greatest movie ever made... but for the budget and ambition... wow, they pulled it off! Plus, Blanchard Ryan is incredibly hot! (01/04/05)
One of the very few things that scare me are Sea Monsters. One of the only other things is sameness on my web site. So, my next review is Beast by Peter Benchley. Let's see which fear won out. (1/4/5)
There's a stillness in the water, but not on that Book Shelf. Check out Peter Benchley's Jaws the novel. It's not what you'd expect, but it's worth a look! (12/28/04)
Well, another day, another horrible Zombie Movie I should have avoided. Don't see Zombie 5: Killing Birds even on a dare or a bet! Read the review for my most vehement warning while I recover in ICU. (12/28/04)
Okay, I broke down and reviewed The Flight of the Phoenix, but it's probably not the one you were hoping I'd review! (12/27/04)
It's here... The Phantom of the Opera, and it's amazingly intact. I could almost forgive Joel Schumacher for his past wrongs after seeing this! ALMOST! (12/27/04)
Just in time for Christmas, we get this movie... Guerilla: The Taking of Patty Hearst! What could be more inspiring, uplifting and fun... aside from being nailed to the desk? (12/14/04)
My review for Blade Trinity is entertaining, yet poorly written and choppy. I figured, Hell, let the review fit the film! (12/13/4)
Ever see a bad movie that you love? In my humble-as-Uriah opinion, Jeepers Creepers sucked peppered eggs... but man, I had a good time watching it. And hey, it's good for utilitarian purposes as well! Check it out... the DVD sucks enough to replace your Vacuum Cleaner. Stupid fun is sometimes the best fun, so check out my review for Jeepers Creepers! (12/9/04)
Okay, so it's been done before, and it's been done better... still, The Last Samurai is an entertaining film, well acted, and a treat for the eyes... but kids, it's not "brilliant"! (12/8/04)
Prog Rock has never sounded so good. Kansas is more, much more than Dust in the Wind! Check out my review of Kansas Live in Concert (December 5, 2004)... in their last ever performance... this year. (12/7/04)
First there was Before Sunrise, then there was the Sequel, Before Sunset, and now there's After the Sunset! Okay, this has nothing to do with those Cheapies, but the association could only improve it. Sorry to tell you but fun or not, After the Sunset is a stinker. To be fair, though... Salma Hayek and Naomie Harrisdo wear bikinis in it! (12/7/04)
And here I thought that Alexander was going to be a great film! It... well... isn't! (12/6/04)
Okay, so I still haven't gotten it out of my head... I dig sharks, okay? Click here for the worthy, but flawed sequel Jaws 2! (11/24/04)
Every once in a while (especially when nothing looks good at the Box Office), I go back and review an older film for the site, only after re-watching. I highly recommend JAWS for anyone who digs good movies (especially if you also have a hardy for Sea Monsters! Of course a certain obscure lyric from Rod Stewart's "Infatuation" keeps ringing in my old head bone now (catch THAT fish)! (11/29/04)
Ach! My streak of good reviews has ended with a Skid Mark on the Freeway! If you've ever wanted to see good actors, producers and musicians attached to a very, very bad movie, then click here! (11/23/04)
Another classic for Johnny Depp! I guess that Finding Neverland means that we can forever forget The Astronaut's Wife and Slow Burn! High Five! (11/22/04)
And... Speaking of Animation, hows-a-bout a Nicktoon Movie, called The SpongeBob Squarepants Movie? Come on Pirates... You know the Theme Song... SING IT! OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH... (11/22/04)
Speaking of Disney... Want to see something Fantastic? Check out The Incredibles! (11.22.04)
I've been sick, I've been tired, I've been overworked, underpaid and unbelievably under the weather in the last week, but I still managed to get you readers three new reviews in one day. Okay, so they're just TV Reviews... Kick me in the Jimmy! Here's my review of the Pilot of Showtime's Huff! (11/15/04)
Bryan Singer spent some time at Universal Television working on his idea for Battlestar Galactica before the reins were given to Ronald D. Moore. On the bright side, Singer and Universal have just scored a potential hit in House. I'm liking it... I'm just hoping I'm going to keep liking it when it hits its stride. (11/15/04)
I was dimly aware that there's a network called Trio out there, and even more dimly aware of what sort of programming they show. However, curiosity has killed greater cats than I, and so I added on Trio (Tr!o?) to my Favorite Channels. Damned good thing too, because without such an unwarranted indulgence I'd never have caught the ad for Final Cut: The Making and Unmaking of 'Heaven's Gate' (2004). This would've been a shame too, because it's one hell of a documentary. Check out my review, and let ME know what you think! (11.15.04)
A Pixies Concert is pretty close to heaven, and in Heaven everything is fine, in Heaven everything is fine, in Heaven everything is fine, in Heaven everything is fine... (10/27/04)
The Grudge is creepy, but ultimately disappointing. Gotta love the pedigree though! (10/25/04)
Friday Night Lights didn't fail to disappoint! It's proof that if that one bad apple happens to be the director, the whole bag is spoiled! (10/24/04)
I just made a deal with Google to start putting ads on my Web Pages to help pay for this site. I've tried to keep these ads predictive, for example a Movie Review might contain an ad for buying tickets for or DVDs of that Very Movie; a music review might contain a link to DVD Sales. I need a shower! I promise to use Ads sparingly and never to the detriment of the Column itself! As always, Point Click and Enjoy! (10.22.04)
It doesn't feel like just a TV Show, but Farscape: The Peacekeeper Wars is just that. So how did I get so emotionally involved in the lives of these puppets and costumes? It's Really That Good! Enjoy my review of part two of Farscape: The Peacekeeper Wars, the best TV you're likely to find. (10.19.04)
I watched part one of Farscape: The Peacekeeper Wars last night, and I grew very depressed afterward. The show was so good I didn't want to return to the real world, I wondered sadly what the future of television might be after seeing the best TV I've ever seen, and I questioned the sanity of Earth that something this good could be canceled. As I said before, Please... Just watch Farscape: The Peacekeeper Wars! (10.18.04)
Team America may or may not be in bad taste depending on yours. But I challenge you to watch it and not laugh at all! (10.18.04)
A good show is hard to find... A good show with good ratings? Nearly impossible. ABC Shoots for the impossible with J.J. Abrams' Lost (10.15.04)
There's one Time Slot that kills every Sci-Fi show on television (unless it's actually on the Sci Fi Channel), and that's Friday Night at 8... not that 9 is any better! See if you notice that UPN moved Star Trek: Enterprise to that very slot for it's fourth season opener "Storm Front Part 1" (10/13/04)
Now is there anybody... got a Footstompin' Concert like Grand Funk Railroad? Got to be somebody... got a Footstompin' Concert like Grand Funk Railroad? Now can I get a Witness? Can I get a Witness? Can I get a witness? Can I get a Witness? They were some kind of wonderful on 10/2/04!
It's new, but it's classically filmed and animated like Chuck Jones mating with Judy Garland. Actually that sounds kind of hot... But I digress, check out Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow! I love it... don't you? (9/20/04)
Like I could EVER resist zombies on the big screen! Resident Evil: Apocalypse is dumb fun. And Milla Jovovich gets Naked! (9/10/04)
All but overshadowed by its more famous little siblings on DVD, THX 1138, George Lucas' first big screener is back, and it's a much better film than it's ever been! Check it out, but be prepared to feed yourself! (9.10.04)
It's time for another Long Beach Blues Festival, this time it's the 25th Annual, and it's worth every blurry, burned second. Don't know about you, but I am un chien Andelousia! (9.9.04)
Tom Cruise stars in Collateral, but Jamie Foxx steals his show, baby! (8/31/04)
Somewhere amid my vacation, on which I watched Donnie Darko three damned times, I was able to check out The Village (again), Spider-Man 2 (again) and, the new film Alien Versus Predator for the first time. Man, Paul W.S. Anderson could make a Teletubbies movie look good! (8/15/04)
While it might take you as long to read my review as it does to actually watchDonnie Darko: The Director's Cut, there's really not much better than seeing it on the Big Screen! A True Classic gets even better! (8/9/04)
Metallica, anyone? Metallica: Some Kind of Monster, a psychological documentary on the making of St. Anger, and so much more, would heve been a great movie without so much footage. It's fun to watch, but it's also too stuffed and repetitive. (8/6/04)
A remake of The Manchurian Candidate? Could have been blasphemy, and still, it should probably never have been made. Still, if it had to be remade, I'm glad it was like this. Better than it had to be! (8/3/04)
M. Night Shyamalan can't bat 1000 every time, but he still gives us a good Home Run with The Village! I love the movie, I love the director, but he might be his own enemy when push comes to shove! (8/2/04)
Sean Penn balances Sleaze and Cool in the Sleazy Cool U Turn by Oliver Stone. What a deal! (7/27/04)
Val Kilmer... I like him, but will you when you see him as John Holmes in Wonderland? It could be a lot worse, Kemosabe! (7/27/04)
Well, the day I've been dreading and putting off came this weekend. I finished The Corrections.
Sorry it took me so long… I'm a fast reader, but I wanted to do Jonathan Franzen's third Novel justice, and, honestly, I didn't want this to end! (7/26/04)
Document THIS: It's all fun and games until you get serious with The Fog of War. Robert McNamara has 11 lessons for you. It's up to you if you want to learn them! (6.13.04)
Oh, my! I didn't want to say this, I mean I really didn't want to say this, but Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy is funny as heck! Stupider than Smurf Wallpaper, but Funny as Heck! (7.12.04)
The advanced Screening of King Arthur should have blown me away. As it stood, only a painted and pretty Keira Knightley did it for me. Fun, but trite. Click here for the Review! (7.7.04)
If you've got a big, green lummox filling up your eyesight it's either some guy trying to sell you cans of veggies, or it's Shrek! Check out my review of Shrek 2! I guess I will be reviewing some Summer Movies! (6/29/04)
Just when you thought it was safe to go to the Voting Booth! MICHAEL MOORE STRIKES with the well-done Fahrenheit 9/11! Check it out! (6/26/04)
Just when you thought things couldn't get any weirder, The Triplets of Belleville show up and prove you wrong. Click here to find out what you're getting yourself in to! (6/24/04)
The Artistic Sci-Fi Film called Cube was a surprising psychological treat! (6.18.04)
Another Zombie Film? Not exactly, this is a Rob Zombie Film! Yep, I just saw House of 1000 Corpses! Now let's never speak of it again! Snail Snot! (6/15/04)
Six Feet Under kicked off the Fourth Season with more tears than an Onion Dicer's Convention. Good episode, poorly written review! (6/14/04)
It's amazing what you find when you check out your old email account... In my case, a letter to my favorite Prof about Titus! Check it out! (6/8/04)
What's new? How about a time travel back to Halloween II? Oh, why not? How about the Original Halloween as well? Okay, I admit it... I'm avoiding the Summer Movie Season! Sue me! (6/2/04)
Well, Smallville had its Season Finale Recently. I can't believe that Angel got canceled but this thing is still around. For the first time ever I agree with Our Lady Peace! Superman's Dead! (6/01/04)
I can't help it... I'm a Star Trek Sucker... I went back and reviewed the second to lastEnterprise episode. Click on "Countdown" for the rest of the story! Good day! (5.28.04)
Screw the over-commercialized Summer Movie Season... I'm busy reviewing the over-commercialized Summer Season Finales of TV Shows! Here's Star Trek: Enterprise's Finale "Zero Hour"! I get long winded on this one! (5.27.04)
WorldsGreatestCritic.com is now THE source for Movie Release Dates... Everything's updated to the HILT now... I am KING! (5.24.04)
So, why haven't I been reviewing all the Summer Blockbusters yet? I'll get to them! But in the meantime I'm watching some actual GOOD movies! Like Amores Perros from the folks who gave us 21 Grams! It doesn't have Naomi Watts' Naked Body in it, but Vanessa Bauche's is so hot you won't even mind! (5/21/04)
Angel is no more... at least not in this incarnation. Enjoy my review of the Final Episode of Joss Whedon's Brooding Detective/ Avenger show by clicking here then Drop me a line to tell me your thoughts! (5.20.04)
In preparation for the final episode of one of the finest TV Shows ever, I've reviewed the prequel to that moment, Angel: "Power Play" (5.12.04). Great episode, and hard to let go of! (5/19/04)
A first for me, a working director asked me to review her work. I received a DVD of the Film and a press packet along with the soundtrack to J.A. Steel's The Third Society! If you're in the mood for a B-Movie with some actual originality and humor look no further. Plus, I think she's going places, so it's time to start watching! 5.18.04
St. John's Wort isn't just for Breakfast anymore. In fact, it's a cool little Japanese Video Game Influenced Horror Movie. Not a great one, but fun. AND THERE ARE NO ZOMBIES IN THIS FILM! (I think)! 5.11.4
It's official... I'll watch anything with the word "Zombie" in the Title, and that's not a good thing, Homer! I gave I, Zombie a chance and regretted it! It's semi-okay for Camp Value, but it goes to show I am in terrible Trouble and I need Help! Oh, my! The Horror! 5.11.4
The Zombie Streak has become a Zombie Freeway from Hell! Check out the review of 1979's gore and Booby fest known as Zombi 2 (5.4.4)
Tripod is getting nastier with its pop-ups and its Scripts so I've moved the FAQ Page over here (AD FREE, HUZZAH!) to the WGC Pages. I've also Updated the Texas Chainsaw Massacre Page with more resources for those who still believe that it happened. The Texas Chainsaw Massacre is Fiction! 4.30.4
Jennifer Garner breaks from her Mad Spy routine for an instant Adulthood Fantasy Film in the Vein of Big and Freaky Friday! I ended up enjoying it and laughing in spite of myself. Click Here for my review of 13 Going on 30!
What's worse than Zombies? Television Executives! Many of the same people! Hence my angry (and long) Diatribe about the cancellation of Wonder Falls! Let there be same-ness! (4.7.4)
And more Zombies and more and more and more! Dawn of the Dead got remade, and here's the review! Some good ideas, for sure, but ultimately it falls WAY flat! (4.5.4)
The Zombie Streak continues with my review of 1978's Dawn of the Dead! Time for some shopping! (4.3.4)
J.C. Just went STRAIGHT TO Hellboy! Good movie. Should have been GREAT, but it's a little too Popcorn for the Subject Matter! (4.3.4)
My Zombie Film Streak continues with my review of the ORIGINALNight of the Living Dead from 1968! (April Fools Day 2004)!
Eat, Drink and be Silly... with Disney's Home on the Range! It's ridiculous, but in the best possible way! 3.29.04
Take a look right here -> (well, up a little) and see that I've added the Handiest and Dandiest Search Engine to the site! Search for anything on my site (movie title, actor's name, Directors, Foul Language), or click on the WEB Button and search for anything on the Internet! Most fun of all, click on SITE MAP and you can browse by Review Title! It's So Convenient!
I successfully have moved all of my reviews to the new and shiny domain of http://www.WorldsGreatestCritic.com! The old Resurrection Joe site will still be up and available, though the old Comcast pages are going Bye-Bye. Watch this Space for a GRAND OPENING type announcement, once the Reviews Page has been completely remodeled. Have fun, people!
I just finished Bret Easton Ellis' American Psycho, not the movie, but the Book, naturally! I'm sort of in this weird "bored-white-guy-with-everything-handed-to-him-becomes-psychotic-madman" kick for some reason that secretly worries me! Look at the latest books I've read... V: For Vendetta, Fight Club, A Clockwork Orange and American Psycho (not to mention I just started The Talented Mister Ripley! Anyway Click here for that Review!
Foghat still has what it takes to give a great show and exceed expectations! Their opening bands on the other hand...
The review of Auto Focus is up! It's the story of the rise and fall of Hogan's Heroes Star Bob Crane. It's a fun, if tabloid-like little gem with good acting, and a thin script. Click Here for the Review! 2.23.04!
What's New? This list for one! Because I list my reviews chronologically by release date, and because sometimes films don't always come out in the USA or locally right when they are "released" it might not look like I've seen a movie in a while (unless you're addicted to the Alphabetical Listing of Reviews)! So I thought a listing of the latest would be the bestest. Enjoy! (1/21/04)
Tokyo Godfathers was released in theatres in the USA, so that review is now posted. (1/19/04)
I listen for your Creme Tangerine
I've just seen a face and Montelimat I can't forget The time Footsteps or place where we just met Coming up the drive
She's not a girl who misses much...She's just the girl for me and a Ginger Sling with a Pineapple Heart I want all the world to see we've met I listen for your footsteps
Doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo...MMM-MMM-MMM-MMM-MMM-MMM oh, yeah!
But they don't arrive
She's well acquanted with the Coffee Dessert touch of the velvet hand yes Like a lizard you know waiting on your knock on a window pane!
The man in the crowd with the multicolored mirror on his dear hobnail boots on my old front door! Had it been another day It's Good News! I don't hear it! I might have looked the other way
does it mean you don't love me anymore?
I hear the clock Lying with his eyes while his hands are a-tickin' busy working overtime on the mantle shelf!BEFSee the hands a-movin'OREand I'd have never been aware, But I'm by myself! but you'll haveYOU A soap impression of his wife to have them all pulled out after the which he ate I wonder where you SAVOY TRUFFLE are tonight and why I'm by myself!ASK Cool Cherry CreamTO ADDand nice apple tart donated to the national trust! MI don't see you,EBut as it is, I'll dream of her tonight:I feel your taste every time we're apart! does it mean you don't love me anymore?
Coconut Fudge I'm sorry that really blows I doubted you!
If you're going to Lai-down dai-dai-lai-de-dai!attemptI need a Fix the BLUES 'cause I'm goin' down Falling!to useBut you'll have my profile to have to linethem all pulled out your pockets withYes I am Falling down to the bits that I left uptown someAnd she keeps calling After the Savoy Truffle"ComI was SO unfair...meyou might not feel it now ntI need a fix 'cause I'm goin' down but when the pain cuts through you're going to know and how !"that'sThe Sweat is going to fill Me back again!actually a TELEMOTHER SUPERIOR JUMPED THE GUN!MARKETING AD I have never knownfor some BULLSHIT SPAM CRAPYou were in a Car Crash,, then you deserve to die. The likes of MOTHER SUPERIOR JUMPED THIS! THE GUN!Save yourself I've been alonetheAnd you lost your head troubleand I have missed your hair! When it becomes too much MOTHER SUPERIOR JUMPED Things and kept THE GUN out! and don't fucking ask to "friend" me.MOTHER SUPERIOR JUMPED THE GUN!You said that you would be late.You're going to shout aloud! . instead, go light yourAbout an Hour or Two Of sight!!self on fire you piece of piss whore MOTHER SUPERIOR you know that what you eat JUMPED you are THE GUN!cockBut other girls were never quite like this!slBut what is sweet now turns so sour obBut that's all right I'm waiting We all know MOTHER SUPERIOR JUMPED THE GUN here! Waste of (my)MMM-MMM-MMM-Lai-de-dai!SPACEO-Bla-Di-Bla-Da . MOTHER SUPERIOR JUMPED THE GUN! But can you show me where you are?
Falling!DIE... Yes I am Falling!DIE... DIEAnd she keeps calling!!MOTHER SUPERIOR JUMPED THE GUN Just Waiting to hear from Me back again!!
YouHappiness is You! a warm gun!r "request"Don't pass me by! (Bang, bang,Creme Tangerine shoot shoot!)will be reportI've just seen a face!ed as spamDon't make me cry! I can't forget Happiness is a warm gun, yes it And montelimat is, you will be the time or place where we just met!immediately (Bang, bang, shoot shoot a Ginger Sling!)deletedDon't make me blue!, andShe's just the girl for me and When I hold you In my ARMS...I will pay And I want the local covenwith to add you toAll the world a Pineapple Heart ! 'Cause you know, Coffee Dessert Darlin', yes, you know it's good news! their "TOAnd I feel My Finger on YOUR TRIGGER, BE SACRIFICED:" list.To See I love only you! We've Met!You never know it hurt me so!FuckBut I know nobody can do me NO HARMyou very muchBecause, You'll have Happiness to have them all is a warm gun mama I hate to see you Pulled Out!!
go after Happiness! is a warm gun, yes it is!-J Don't pass me byCHappiness! is a warm, yes it is... gun!M3Don't Doo-Ah, don't make me cry! you Doo know that happiness Doo-Lai is the Savoy Truffle -ade warm gun! (It's a warm gun, YEAH-Dai!!)