Final Destination 2 (2003)
(Release Date: January 31, 2003)

Well, I guess it wasn't fucking FINAL was it?!Well, I guess it wasn't fucking FINAL was it?!1/2

Well, if the first one was FINAL then...

Man, I got burned in the Kitchen!
J.C. Mašek III
The World's Greatest Critic!

The truth about Final Destination 2 is that it's an inferior sequel that doesn't live up to the promise of its predecessor. It follows most of the same formula as Final Destination while adding very little to the underlying mythology. That which does spice up the stew isn't all that logical, and manages to rely on your basic "Because I Said So" logic. You want to hear something else about Final Destination 2 that is the absolute truth? I've seen it about six times.

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Ali? I think I'm having an Acid Flashback!

All of these things are true, but FD2 doesn't "suck". In fact, there's just something about it. Let's face it, its worst crime is that its been done before and done better. Well, that and the fact that almost no one involved in the original production has returned for this one. And... well, they sort of promised this would be the "end", and then they made another one. Oh, and they gave Alex such a lame story ending. And then, there was the loss of the subtlety and innovation that the original wore like a badge. And the dialogue is occasionally as clumsy as Gerald Ford, and would sound as comfortable coming out of the mouths of Robert Hays and Julie Haggerty. Okay... okay, I'll stop.

Veteran Second Unit Director David R. Ellis steps into the Big Chair for the second time (his first being the similarly themed Homeward Bound II: Lost in San Francisco) and leaves his footprint on the textile seat. Through his lens we see what character creator (and co-writer) Jeffrey Reddick pulled out of his gray matter. This time we have a small group of young adults hitting the road for a hard-partying, pot smoking, beer drinking siesta. But before they can get their busted-ass SUV onto the freeway in the first place Kimberly (A.J. Cook) witnesses the great aunt, uncle, cousin, grandpa, grandma, poppa, momma and former neighbor of all Car Crash pile ups in which, quite naturally, everybody dies (along with all of their relatives that such a family-tree ripping crash might imply).

Of course once she comes to and blocks the on-ramp like a clogged artery everyone thinks she's as crazy as Zsa-Zsa Gabor on a cop-belting binge, and are probably right... until the damned thing actually happens while they watch (this time from the outside).

As the cops pull everyone in for the investigation of a lifetime (given an extremely dull lifetime) the survivors begin to compare notes and shiver nervously as Kimbo tells her silly story. Luckily, one of the cops in question (another eye-witness named Thomas Burke and played by that Jimmy Olsen kid... Michael Landes) had recently rented Final Destination and was able to give us the recap of a lifetime (again... relative). It isn't long before Thomas and Kimmy-baby are checking out old Clear Rivers (the... person, not the Rivers... as played by Ali Larter).

See, Alex is dead as my first hamster, and Clear herself has only managed to stay alive by locking herself in a hermetically sealed rubber room at the local funny farm. However, instead of deciding to help out, Clear would rather keep on doing her impression of a mint-condition factory fresh Xena action figure with LL's own signature. (Hey, I promised I'd stop that, didn't I... sorry). To make a long story long, Kimberly lays upon Clear her own personal version of "Bet you're feelin' crunchy now!", which guilts her into joining that doomed scooby gang just in time to see chicks, dudes and kids alike, crushed eviscerated, decapitated, masticated and overrated until Agatha Christie herself actually starts taking notes.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, you know what's coming each step of the way. But you don't know how or who or when or... well, you know why. Sure, this can be as predictable as a thong at a rave, but the new additions (however sparse) make this one worth watching. And let's face it, it's the seat-squirming, hand wringing, eye-slamming and arm-rest clutching moments that you're in this for in the first place. Tony Todd's creepy mortician (IDed in the credits as William Bludworth) seems to have all the answers, but keeps it all as hidden as the truth behind Roswell.

The actors here are all pretty likeable, from Terrence "T.C." Carson to Keegan Connor Tracy to Justina Machado. And while the show really belongs to Thomas and Kimberly, honorable mention must be given to twin-flashing biker chick Odessa Munroe, whose far-too-brief cameo made me want to run out and buy a Harley!

This one isn't as smart as the first, nor as gratuitous as the third, but it's got its place, and manages to be great fun in spite of its big-ass blemishes, mainly because, it is scary and it is pretty cool. There is a lot of cleverness in the varied doors of death and methods of fooling the audience. If you're interested in a slasher pic without a slasher, or a scary horror flick without convention (but also without the originality of the first) check this one out like a library book. I love it, and I've seen it more times than I've seen that silly live action Masters of the Universe flick... which is saying something as guilty pleasures go... but it still gets Two and One Half Stars out of Five. If it had been the original, this might have fared much better, but comparing Final Destination 2 to Final Destination, it doesn't quite cut the proverbial mustard... or should I say... Teenagers? There I go again. It's late. Good night. See you in the next... screw it... g'night.

Check the Faucet,
Double check for any Leaking Gas,
Tighten every Screw in the House,
Lock up your Knives,
Put the Cat out,
Keep your hands and feet away from anything with moving parts,
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Final Destination 2 (2003) reviewed by J.C. Mašek III who alone is responsible for his views and for the fact that he feels like he's "done" this review before!
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Let's hope they have more titty in the next one! (I'm kidding, I've already seen it... they do!)
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