J.C. Maçek III The World's Greatest Critic!

On this site I've accused more than my fair share of dumb movies of being rip offs of other (only occasionally dumb) movies. Sometimes it's coincidental, sometimes it's all too blatant. But let me tell you, I have NEVER seen a more derivative, plagiarized rip off of a movie as the one I just watched, Hombre! I have never seen a bigger case of intellectual property pilfering than Bloody Murder.

Here, let's let it speak for itself. A group of Sumer Camp Counselors arrives at "Camp Placid Pines" to prepare for the summer season. But also in those woods hides a mysterious murderer named Trevor Moorhouse. This possibly supernatural, legendary killer's most recognizable feature is the fact that he wears a hockey mask all the time.

Okay, then!

Soon, the Teens and Twenty-Somethings are having sex, smoking pot and drinking, and soon, one by one, they are killed by a mysterious, hidden killer.

Uh-huh!

But who is this killer, really? Could it be a now-adult former camper who was abused and picked on during his time there? Maybe someone named "NELSON"?

That sounds familiar, man.

Or, maybe, just maybe, it's the young man who has just now disappeared from camp, revisiting the site to slay his victims before disappearing again, right behind that stupid white hockey mask. That guy's name? "Jason"! Or, hey, maybe it's the beautiful young counselor who has issues from her past, surrounding the premature death of her father?

Mmmmmmmmmmmmmm.

If this movie screamed Friday the 13th any louder than it does, Deaf Denizens of Planet Pluto might wake up from comas and yell "Whoa, what the fuck was that?" Hockey masked killer named Trevor Moorhouse... man, that sounds nothing like that other hockey mask killer named Jason Voorhees, does it? ("No, the lawyers say we're cool, man, we're cool.") Look, that's bad enough, but the plot and story of Bloody Murder don't stop there. No, writer John R. Stevenson and director Rafe M. Portilo rocket into the highest of the high gears with scene-for-scene rip-offs, stolen plot lines and nearly mirror-image thematic elements from not just Friday the 13th, but also Friday the 13th Part V: A New Beginning (in SPADES), Friday the 13th Part II, Friday the 13th Part III and just about every other movie with Friday in the title (that... doesn't star former members of NWA)!

And if that's not bad enough, the rip-offs aren't limited to the flicks of the Jasonator. There's so much Sleepaway Camp in this movie, I wanted to scream "SEE IF SHE'S GOT A DICK, MAN!"... admittedly not the reason I generally want to see what's in a woman's shorts, but still! There's also more than a smattering of Halloween, and even a dash here and there of Leatherface and Ash from The Evil Dead in the make up of Moorhouse. The list could go on and on and on, but, Pilgrims, I don't have the time and neither do you.

Yeah, Tweedle-Dum and Tweedle-Dummer get about an F- for originality here! Family Guy is more unique than this turd. However, I will say that they get positive marks for casting some hot chicks in this flick. Jessica Morris' Julie has a cute innocence to her, and Crystalle Ford is positively yummy as the mysterious Drew. Two problems: 1) They can barely act and 2) They never get naked. The closest thing we get is a bra and panties scene from Tracy Pacheco's Whitney, followed by an admittedly nice Bikini jaunt.

Man, haven't you people ever seen Zombie Lake? You have to give SOME gratuities for making us sit through this piece of derivative frozen canned bile. Come on... A shower scene with no boobs? What kind of summer camp is this? A Pentecostal Church Retreat?

The minimal charm in this bottom shelf Video Store reject is in trying to figure out who the actual killer is. Stevenson and Portilo point the finger at everyone, even the dead guys, helping to ensure the fact that this movie will make no sense whatsoever. By the time the killer finally reveals the true identity behind the mask, I was about as surprised as when Ol' Bill Clinton finally confessed to his blowjob. Dude! Of course, that doesn't explain why almost every other character was doing every other guilty thing this side of a San Fernando Porn Flick! "You're a suspect... ACT SUSPICIOUS! Oh, no, wait, not you... You're the actual killer!" Well DUH!

Man, I tell you...

Look, if you don't have any original ideas, fine, no problem, just do what every writer with no original ideas does... make a spoof. You're ripping off every lame camp movie but Meatballs, just make it a comedy. It works for the makers of the Scary Movie series, right? Or hey, you could always just write movie reviews... those assholes can't write either...

I...

Oh my...

Even distancing ourselves from that idea, kids, the movies you're ripping off... they aren't that good, man! They actually rather suck, most of them... Ah, damn! What other winter sports equipment are we going to find at a Summer Camp? Where's the damned ZAMBONI, man? Did the DOG run off with it? Apparently not, because Bloody Murder IS STILL HERE, and man, oh, man, is Bloody Murder ever a DOG! To be fair, it's really not the WORST thing ever made (though it is, methinks, the least original). Maybe, get drunk, watch it with friends, make a drinking game of it... but if you find yourself wondering why the hell you're watching this toe-jam sandwich of a borrowed bomb, dude, just watch Sleepaway Camp II instead. It's slightly better, is funny, admits its a spoof and, yessiree, it's got boobs. Man, why doesn't Sean Cunningham tell these Bozos to stop copying from his paper. Argh. See you in the next reel, fat butt!