ORANGE COUNTY, California (WGC) — The critic that owns the WorldsGreatestCritic.com and 6 other online sites (mostly mirrors) said Wednesday he had filed for Chapter 311 bankruptcy, surprising a full 1% of those who had ever heard of him.

J.C. Maçek III said he would continue to operate his Web sites as weirdly as usual while he restructures and stabilizes his operations.

Wednesday’s announcement comes amid a rash of Government bailouts of varied banks, insurance giants and automotive industry staples. Due to the synergy of this announcement and the overall state of the economy, Congress has deemed WorldsGreatestCritic.com "Too Big to Fail" and has thus pumped the website full of funds in exchange for a 40% of the site's non-voting stock.

"This is not a handout!" asserted Congressman Barney Frank, "This is a collateralized loan that WorldsGreatestCritic.com must pay back. If not, the Government will have the right to take full control of WorldsGreatestCritic.com including its non-regulated subsidiaries and the stock of 'substantially all' its regulated subsidiaries, so be warned! But, hell, you know, we probably won't."

There appeared to be no question that Mr. Maçek took this rebuke very seriously. "Prior to this, all I had was a job, a commute, a wife, a kid, a dog, two cats, a turtle, seven guitars, a lawn, laundry, porn, two cars, a house in the suburbs and a workout schedule to attend to. Now, after the failure of my life's work, WorldsGreatestCritic.com, all I have is a job, a commute, a wife, a kid, a dog, two cats, a turtle, seven guitars, a lawn, laundry, porn, two cars, a house in the suburbs and a workout schedule and Fifty Billion Dollars to attend to." After a long, depressed sigh, Maçek added "You know what? Fuck the workouts, now!"

“The significant downturn in the print advertising environment that has affected newspapers across the country has continued to severely impact Movie Review sites like WorldsGreatestCritic.com,” said Federal Reserve Bank chair Ben Bernanke. “Unfortunately, this deteriorating economic climate, has required us to step in to prevent the failure of this valuable institution.”

Secretary Henry Paulson joined Bernanke in expressing concern over the loss of this online anthology of obscure references, esoteric analogies, anti-climactic anecdotes, thinly veiled sexual jargon, complete non-sequiturs and poorly chosen one-liners, but added a sharp rebuke to Maçek and all entrepreneurs like him. “Make no mistake, we are as uncomfortable as the American People are about rewarding the very robber barons who helped the economy run, lemming-like, off this steep-ass cliff!” said the visibly moved Paulson. “But my nephew once told me this guy is kind of funny, so we're going to allow him the time to restructure and show the American Taxpayer that his sites can recover and be profitable again!”

Maçek said the company would explore the potential sale of assets or new investment in the internet-based business to help it remain viable. "Yeah, wow, man! I've got some... sure, if you want to buy some stuff I was going to sell on eBay anyway, sure, it's all yours. As for investments... wow, sure, that's... that's great, I'll take them! Make the checks payable to me, I guess. What a... what a tragedy and all! This is... is... real bad, man. Yeah. Wow!" Asked how he would do things differently now that he's received the bailout and is, thus, on the hook with the American Public, not to mention two branches of Government, Maçek speculated. "Oh, I've got some ideas. I mean, I've got to pay this fifty billion back, right? I mean, I'd hate for the government to boggart my stupid website or something. Yeah, that'd suck." He added "Fifty Billion, man, wow! That's with a B!"

The subprime mortgage crisis reached critical mass starting in September of 2008, characterized by drastically contracted liquidity in the global credit markets. This has caused at least 120 newspapers in the United States to shut down along with former financial giants Lehman Brothers and Merrill Lynch. Citibank and Wachovia were also forced to seek help and buyers while both Crysler and General Motors have had to ask for Government Bailouts in order to stay afloat. None of these companies are certain to succeed, but all of them have been considered to be much too large to fail. Up to 1 jobs at WorldsGreatestCritic.com would be lost should the arguably popular website collapse.

Not everyone has spoken out in favor of adding WorldsGreatestCritic.com to the list of recipients of TARP (Troubled Asset Relief Program) funds. Fortune Magazine editor Allan Sloan had some sharp words for the decisions of the Obama Administration. "This WorldsGreatestCritic.com website is not what any educated person would call 'too big to fail'!" said Sloan, speaking on American Public Media's Marketplace. "I'm not even sure there really is such a thing as 'too big to fail', but assuming there is, I'm going on record as saying this website here doesn't qualify! If you look at the take-home from his advertising revenue, not at all counting that webmaster guy's day job salary, what have you got? You get, maybe a couple of thousand dollars a year. I mean, it barely covers what must be an extravagant bill for his make-up and costumes. The very idea that the Federal Government would give this guy Billions is just... it's nuts! Let's face it, I went to his site once to see if that remake of Day of the Dead was going to be any good and I'll tell you, I got maybe two-thirds of his jokes. This guy is supposed to be profitable?"

White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel echoed Sloan's confusion over this allocation of funds, saying “Who now?”

In spite of the many critics of this portion of the plan, including a number of Washington Insiders who described this bailout as a "Dick Move", the fifty billion dollar loan has already allowed WorldsGreatestCritic.com to become more profitable. Said the webmaster "Oh, yeah, man, I just bought the rights to the character 'Captain Avenger' from MGM and we're going to make some comic books! Good ones!" After adjusting his seat on his solid-gold throne adorned with carvings of beautiful women he continued. "I also bought the rights to the entire series Gilligan's Planet and we're going to start burning DVDs of that. You know that's going to be a big seller, plus I just inked a deal to start a chain of movie theatre/ strip club combinations that serve veggie burgers and beer. Move Over Hooters! Of course to inaugurate this new era, we're having a bash, I mean party, I mean convention in Vegas to hold a meeting of minds on this and get our business plan laid out. Plus, it seems only fair to give the guy who thought of it, me, just a bit of a Bonus... Maybe 165 Million bucks? No, no, that's not fair... How about an even two... um, FIVE hundred million. Yeah, that's more like it. Damn, this whole bankruptcy is totally... uh, Awful. Terrible, yeah!" Maçek added he was thinking about becoming a Scientologist.