J.C. Maçek III The World's Greatest Critic!

Back in 1982... or was it 1983? Actually, I'm pretty sure it was 1984, an Italian B-Movie called The Final Executioner was released, and I couldn't be happier about it. Oh, no, it sucked... hard... But Margit Evelyn Newton was in it, and her presence could help me endure anything short of a Sha-Na-Na reunion special.

A Luscious Part of Operation: Sci-Fall, 2006!

And, yes, she was naked, and for that I would sit through even Bowser's revival.

The film was about seventeen different kinds of bad, all laid out on a dirty plate with few redeeming qualities. In fact, the only reason I can really give you for watching this movie is Sweet, Sweet Margi Newton herself.

Apparently director Vanio Amici thought so too because in 1989 he granted the wish that I share with every straight man and gay woman who ever watched The Final Executioner and re-cut that film to make Margi the central character.

Well, actually, the wish shared by every straight man and gay woman who saw that thing would be much more detailed, but I digress.

To this end, Amici (credited here as Bob Collins) films half a movie and edits what he has in with a great deal of The Final Executioner, then gives himself directorial and story credit and hands screenwriting credit to Piero Regnoli. That is in spite of the fact that most of this is really helmed by Final Executioner director Romolo Guerriri and written by Final Executioner scribe Roberto Leoni.

The result is now known as Bronx Executioner, which comes off as sort of The Final Executioner: The Special Edition, without all that much that's special in the editing. Amici managed to bring Margi back for the new scenes, which was smart, considering she was the only likeable character in the original film. Other wise choices included the complete excision of characters like Erasmus and Edra (both of whom sucked at least as much as the core of Jupiter) and a complete restructure of the plot. I'll admit that Bronx Executioner, on the whole, makes more sense than The Final Executioner, but that's relative at best. Amici replaces scenes that made no sense with other scenes that make no sense and enough ridiculous incongruities to make even the most staunch B-Movie Film Buffs long for the relative intelligence and cohesion of Future Kill!

Margi (credited here, as she was in The Final Executioner as Margie Newton) plays basically the same character (if you're judging from her clothing, or the lack thereof), but is renamed from "Diane" to "Margie", which is convenient, I suppose. Now, instead of a pawn in a marauding elite "Sad Max" group of renegades, she is the leader of an angry group of Androids from The Bronx whose sole mission is to wipe out an angry group of Humanoids, also from the Bronx who are also convincing robot replicants of humans.

Before I move on, I'd like to point out that although Amici is careful to show all of New York City as fully intact and vibrant, "The Bronx" here is a jungle wilderness bordering on a desert wasteland populated by robots who don't look like robots (the only hint is that the script calls 'em Robots and at some point one of the characters shows that he has wires in his neck toward the very, very end of the film). Then, right smack dab in the middle of said jungle wilderness/ desert wasteland is a big-honking castle. I realize this is the future, but damn, oh, damn, oh hell and damn, who is policing this crap?

Enter Woody Strode (who played Sam in the first film). Here he is credited as "The Sherriff" but is called either "Warren" or "The Black Man", because, um... he's black, I guess. Please note that Strode does not reprise his role or film extra scenes. One Hundred Percent of his presence here is from The Final Executioner. During his long, boring, drawn out conversations and anti-Yoda-like training of new recruit James (irritating Gabriele Gori, who replaces William Mang's Alan Tanner), a body double replaces Strode from the waist down and what sounds like an out-of-work radio announcer replaces his voice. I guess they figured that all the Italians would have dubbed voices, so this didn't make any fucking difference.

But it gets stupider. On the other team is Dakar (terribly played by muscle-man Alex Vitale) who wonders (aloud and annoyingly) why everybody can't all just get along. I kind of wondered the same stupid thing, to be fair. A bunch of Human Looking Robots hating a bunch of Human Looking Robots with no good reason. What, did they get to pick sides before this started? If so, could I be under Margi? I mean, I mean on Margi's Team! No, wait... I meant under Margi! It's possible that some vague and ill-advised social commentary about class and racism was intended, but I'll be damned if it shines through one copper penny's worth. Anyway, to make a long story shorter than the padded out and prolonged garbage we get here, Margie's group goes one step too far and causes Dakar and his roughnecks to seek the ultimate price.

Although I'm sure that almost everyone on the planet besides me would have stopped the movie long before this point, I urge you true believers to stay tuned for not one, but two Margi Newton nude scenes. They're worth the rest of the film, I promise. More on this in just a bit.

One of the most amusing things about this film is that Janet Berger is credited with "Continuity"! Now, I'm going to hand it to Bronxy here, there are some decent enough edits to make this slightly less than laughable, but "Continuity"? I say thee nay!!! Although the Woody Strode inclusions and other cheap re-edits show a grainier and older film stock than the new footage, the most shining example is the only person to actually film scenes for both movies, one Margi Newton.

Now, you realize, I'm obsessed with Margi Newton and would consider more Margi of any kind a bonus beyond bonuses. That said her interlaced scenes were shot Five Years apart and it shows. She's still incredibly beautiful, this is true, but scenes that purport to take place within seconds of each other give us a Margi of two different hair styles and even weights. Her make-up isn't even vaguely the same, making me wonder if her special Android Power was that of quick spa-visits. Most interesting (on SO many levels) is that her 1989 breasts are larger than her 1984 breasts, which is saying something because they defied gravity with their beautiful firmness in every movie she had appeared in. Is this a bad thing? Oh, my heavens, no! But it's most certainly noticeable, especially to me. These facts are made even more apparent by the attempted continuity correction here. To bridge the gaps between the scenes, Margi dresses in the same (or similar) red leather dress and panties as she did in The Final Executioner and later in that same flimsy nightgown. She also has those two amazing back-to-back nude scenes... but the difference is striking because of this. I can only guess, but someone watching this who didn't know every inch of Margi Newton like I do might not even know she was the same actress. Then again, two of her would be pretty fantastic... Hmmm....

Of course, I enjoyed her no less. In fact, even as an evil Electronic Empress, she's both likeable and the best actor out of the entire cast (which doesn't say much, sadly). It makes me wonder, though, why would an Android need to be this hot or have sex at all? Not that I'm complaining, but this exemplifies the weirdness of the film's concepts. Yeah, I get the need to cash in on The Terminator, but over and over there are examples of how Amici and Regnoli just didn't care. Androids call out for each other's "Blood"... that is when they're not eating food or having sex or attempting to have sex or falling in love or trying on thongs or raping women while both rapist and victim have their pants on, intact and zipped up (visibly)... but it is while they're acting poorly.

Folks, it just didn't make any sense, which is why I have to give Bronx Executioner a DOG. And why shouldn't I? I gave The Final Executioner a DOG, and they're the same movie. Every time I came close to giving it a couple of stars Alex Vitale would open up his big Faux-Arnold mouth and grumble out some stream-of-consciousness, agonizing dose of poisoned dialogue. I feel bad about this, though, because Margi was good, both times, no matter what she was wearing. Sigh. We opened Operation: Sci-Fall with The Final Executioner, we end with Bronx Executioner. Merry Christmas, everybody, I guess. On the bright side, although it's perfectly clear to me that the Future is Going to Suck, I had absolutely no idea that femmebots could be this hot, shapely and soft... So, if you'll excuse me, I'm about to invest everything I own into Artificial Intelligence. Not even Asimov had a vision like this. See you in the next desert jungle reel.