Loyal readers... 2006 was a huge year for Movies and a huge year for WorldsGreatestCritic.com. 2006's year in movies featured the return of BIG heroes, the rise of little dictators, the shock of horrifying futures, the chill of hot wars, the return of the Gangster, the completely incomprehensible, and of course, pre-pubescent strippers and stag-rescuing British Queens (and I don't mean Dame Edna).
This site got a new look and several new features from The Dead Man of the Year Award to The Wit and Wisdom of Brother Kneumsi to the Best And Worst Of... to The Adventures of Michelle and J.C., the 78th Annual Oscars and much, much more. It also saw its notoriously laughably overweight head writer turn into a physically fit Sexual Titan whose vanity and insecurity turned to narcissism and continual self-referencing.
Naturally, this means a busy life... naturally, this means less time to keep up with the flicks as I did last year when my main exercise was typing and lifting the remote control. Then, of course, there's the Japanese Language classes I'm taking with my daughter, the Sci-Fi Lesbian Romance novels I'm writing, the seasonal constraints of Summer of Horror, Operation: Sci-Fall, Winter of Wit and soon Spring into Action (like I needed more constraints), the fact that my buddy Jeff is getting hitched and the fact that I have a day job, and the fact that I'm humanity's last defense against the CERTAIN Alien Invasion that is JUST AROUND THE CORNER, and you'll understand why I'm not quite up to speed on every Oscar Review. Plus, the dammed Academy is having their Award Show significantly earlier than last year... okay... a week earlier. Screw this! Last year I had a whole roll out... this year... you get an article. Now... these may seem like excuses, but let me just say this... I've gone from a 42 inch waist to a 34 inch waist, and I've lost, to date, 68 pounds. I'm hot. What does that have to do with the 79th Annual Oscars? Nothing... but I'm telling everyone.
Best Picture: Every year there are Five Best Picture nominees to choose from... My constant curiosity is... what if the year sucked more ass than a liposuction machine in Bigbootyville? What if the "Best" pictures of the year would have gone straight to video any other year? What if Alan Smithee got a statue? That doesn't apply to this year but... but still!
With nominees like this, who needs losers... I'm wondering, however, what kind of Bizarro World we're all living in that movies starring Steve Carell and Leonardo DiCaprio have both been nominated.
- Babel, from producers Alejandro González Iñárritu, Steve Golin and Jon Kilik details a jigsaw puzzle of interlocking stories surrounding vacationing couple Brad Pitt and Cate Blanchett as they travel through the third world. Hmmm... Brad Pitt and his wife in the third world... never happen in real life.
- The Departed from producer Graham King is another smart gangster flick, directed by Scorsese. Like Babel, this is a complex tale of many personalities and many (sub)cultures.
- Letters from Iwo Jima, from producers Clint Eastwood, Steven Spielberg and Ron Lorenz tells two sides of the tales of the Pacific Theatre of the Second World War, specifically, the raising of that Iconic Flag over... well, Iwo Jima. Told in English and Japanese, this is not your blindly patriotic war story, nor is it your suggestively condemnatory indictment of war in general.
- In the "how'd we get on this list?" category, Little Miss Sunshine from producers David T. Friendly, Peter Saraf and Marc Turtletaub is the little engine that could. Detailing the misadventures of the quirkiest of the quirky families on their cross-country trip to bring their favorite kiddo to a surreal talent show, Little Miss Sunshine is a great balance of incredible screw-ball comedy, drama and "that's so wrong" moments.
- The Queen, from producers Andy Harries, Christine Langan and Tracey Seaward details, in part, Queen Elizabeth II's handling of the death of Princess Diana and her interaction with and influence by the press, her people and her family. No zombies, though.
Well, we're doing this in reverse order from the way I pretty much originally wrote it, so, I guess, skip around or something, or else it won't be at all funny that Michelle had no issue with Diane Keaton's dress, or what was in it, though she took issue with Jack Nicholson's Cue-Ball head and suit. She did state that Dianne looked a little Goth. So do I, but Michelle says she expects that from me! "Really?"
Then she does an impression of my voice saying "Really?", and it sounded like friggin' Scooby Doo! Holy Hell and Damn it all!
Who will win? Dude, Jack got to introduce his own film, The Departed as the winner... what if he lied? What if he was like "The Qu- Departed, yeah, that's it, that's the Ticket, Hah! Ah, Departed... YEAH, I mean it!"
"BAB-uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh-THE DEPARTED, I Mean! Sorry, I read the wrong name!"
HOLD IT... BETWEEN YOUR KNEES!
Best Achievement in Directing: HEY YOU GUYS... The list of past Best Directors is as varied as the list of past Presidents of the Hog's Bladder, Iowa PTA. Okay, not quite...
This year, everybody gets naked. No... wrong ceremony again. This year, the nominees are...
- Clint Eastwood for Letters from Iwo Jima... and Oscar Loves this guy... so do tough guys everywhere;
- Stephen Frears for The Queen, though he should've won for Mrs. Henderson Presents (pant, pant, pant);
- Paul Greengrass for United 93, it took a lot to make this both good and respectful;
- Alejandro González Iñárritu for Babel... his films keep getting more notice, just as they get less accessible and
- Martin Scorsese for The Departed. Last year, host Jon Stewart quipped that "Three Six Mafia" had one more Oscar than Martin Scorsese, a fact that still causes me to wake up screaming at night (but what doesn't?). There is no question in my mind that Scorsese deserves an Oscar, and has for some time. However, my hope is that he doesn't win because "he's due"... Scorsese is a great director... Oscar will catch him fairly!
So, Francis Ford Coppola, Steven Spielberg and George Lucas... who has never won an Academy Award... presented the Best Damned director award to... The man who has never won an Oscar... MARTY SCORSESE! Hell yeah! It's about time... And Oscar caught him fairly.
No comments from Michelle about his suit, but after this many nominations, Michelle did expect a little more from his acceptance speech. Now, imagine how she critiques the writing I do with her in it... Wow!
Best Performance by an Actor in a Leading Role: ACTING... GENIUS... At long last, the stars of Critters 3, Young Hercules, Supergirl, The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air and Battlefield Earth are getting their due. At last, at last, at last!
Wrestling each other for the little golden statue are
- Leonardo DiCaprio for Blood Diamond... what an Actor (not);
- Ryan Gosling for Half Nelson, and if he'd given us the WHOLE Nelson, he'd be sure to win;
- Peter O'Toole for Venus... hey, he won for Lawrence of Arabia, which he starred in while drunk, so...;
- Will Smith for The Pursuit of Happyness... in this movie, parents do understand... but maybe they should've pursued good spelling instead; and
- Forest Whitaker for The Last King of Scotland, which is actually about the Nefarious Dictator of Uganda... False Advertising? Nah.
With the realization that a lot of you out there have grown to really love Leonerdo DiCraprio, let me just say this... there is no way in heaven, hell, heck or limbo that it would make a slurp of sense if the newspapers read "Leonardo DiCaprio Wins Oscar, Peter O'Toole goes home empty handed". Seriously, folks... come the hell on!
So, when it was all said and done... I'm starting to do this whole commenting on the dresses and make-up thing... I'm not real good at it, though. I'd make a terrible gay dude! Speaking of which, PETER O'TOOLE wins! PETER O'TOOLE wins! PETER O'TOOLE wins!
What? He's not Gay? Oh, he didn't win? Okay, fine... at least it was Forest Whitaker... I like him... and not LeoNERDo!
Best Performance by an Actress in a Leading Role: If you're thinking I'm going to support the most attractive nominee in this category... that's probably true. I'm like that, that's how I roll, I'm a jerk.
Nominated this year are
- Penélope Cruz for Volver, which could be a very successful franchise, especially if the next flick is directed by Scorsese and is named Revolver!
- Judi Dench for Notes on a Scandal, which is ironic, because I hear that as an actress, receiving directorial notes, she can't handle!
- Helen Mirren for The Queen... not quite as hot as Blanchett's role as "Queen Elizabeth I", but I guess...
- Meryl Streep for The Devil Wears Prada... instead of hooves and goat skin...
- Kate Winslet for Little Children. Now, if Winslet and DiCaprio both won, I think we can get this all overturned as "Titanic Favoritism". Too bad Cameron's new movies aren't due until 2008, because we could get a lot of crap thrown out that way, man!
"I've decided that all the Lesbians are trying to dress like Couches tonight!" Michelle said, when Jodie Foster floated out in a slab of gray velvet... but hey, she's in MOURNING... for all the dead from the past year. No reference to Syd Barrett, though... but then again, neither did I in this year's Dead Man of the Year article... He's got an even more special place... maybe he's hiding under Jodie's Dress!
Then, it was Ellen's new turn for the Sateen Parlor Couch look (those are Michelle's words, I don't know this ka-ka). But enough about Couches, let's move on to what's IN the outfits...
Helen Mirren! Helen Mirren! Helen Mirren! Is it wrong that I want to comment on her breasts too? Michelle's comment about her dress was that it was okay, yet prickly... and then she followed it up with "For an old broad, her tits look rather nice!"
Man... my best friend is cool!
Best Performance by an Actor in a Supporting Role: Say "What's Up, Bra?" to the really supportive folks.
In the running are
- Alan Arkin for Little Miss Sunshine, he taught us how to laugh and how to swear... and apparently he taught his granddaughter how to strip!
- Jackie Earle Haley for Little Children... this dude's last movie credit was 1993's Maniac Cop 3... he should win just for overcoming the odds. Hell, his last big success was starring in the original The Bad News Bears with a bunch of other... well, little children...
- Djimon Hounsou for Blood Diamond... I love this guy, but what's all this favoritism toward Djimon? Pokemon was first, and they were cool too!
- Eddie Murphy for Dreamgirls, in which he plays a Motown Mogul... please note, as a singer, his second biggest hit was a song called "Boogie In Yo Butt". That's got little to do with the Oscars, but I thought you'd like to know.
- Mark Wahlberg for The Departed... "Dear Donnie, for all the times you beat me up when we were little, let me just say: 'In Your Face, new kid, IN YOUR FACE!' Love, Marky Mark PS: Loved you in Saw II... what nominations did you get for that?"
Rachel Weisz and both her breasts handed the Electrical Banana over to Alan Arkin for LMS... and his speech was a REAL Snoozer! Sorry, Alan, but DAMN!
Best Performance by an Actress in a Supporting Role: This year, the Best Supporting Actress category has been simply dominated by women. Hardly any men were even in the running for this coveted award.
Support! Nominees are:
- Adriana Barraza for Babel... I'll bet Cate Blanchett is pissed off that she wasn't nominated for Babel;
- Cate Blanchett for Notes on a Scandal... okay, maybe not.
- Abigail Breslin for Little Miss Sunshine... "So what if you got the new My Little Pony Deluxe Scented Horsie with Star Belly Tattoo... Look what I won in Los Angeles this weekend... nah-nah-na-boo-boo, stick your head in doo-doo!"
- Jennifer Hudson for Dreamgirls... I had a dream that this girl won! Not really, I just couldn't think of anything funny to write about her... and
- Rinko Kikuchi for Babel... I must say, it took a lot of guts for Alejandro González Iñárritu to cast a non-English Speaking actress in this "Babel" film.
Uh, say what?
Michelle and I wanted Cate to win because she's HOT... and her dress totally makes her look like Seven of Nine! "If Seven's Bio-Suit had been a dress, that'd be it... And she'd have shot her heart upon it!"
"You'd have shot your heart upon it!"
"Yes, yes, that's true! That's a much more apropos observation, yes!"
But Jennifer Hudson took home the gold ornament for Dreamgirls. And to think she couldn't win on American Idol, but she won an Oscar. Take that, SIMON!
Best Writing, Screenplay Written Directly for the Screen: As a child, I swore I would win this award one day. My mother told me that to do so, I would have to go to College, get a Degree in English, write every day and move to Los Angeles. I did all three...
And now, I shall list for you the Best Original Screenplay nominations of six people who are not me:
- Babel's Guillermo Arriaga, who isn't me.
- Letters from Iwo Jima's Iris Yamashita and Paul Haggis, neither of whom are me.
- Little Miss Sunshine's Michael Arndt... a man who is not me.
- The Queen's
Peter Morgan, who has never looked into his mirror and seen me... and
- El Laberinto del Fauno's Guillermo del Toro, who shares with the other nominees the distinction of not being me.
Kneumsi's pick: Me.
Who won instead of Me? Well, Tobey Maguire and Kirsten Dundst... no, not them, they just presented the award... to "OH FUCK! Little Miss Sunshine!" Arndt!
"You should have a section called 'The Numbers!'", said Michelle. "You know, how many times you pumped your fist and yelled 'YEAH!' and how many times you said 'Oh Fuck!' and complained!"
"Why aren't you taking notes?"
"Because I just thought of it... re-read your damn page and you'll remember!"
Best Writing, Screenplay Based on Material Previously Produced or Published: Plagiarism is an ugly thing... these guys not only get paid for copying, but they also credit their sources properly. I respect them in spite of the fact that they aren't me.
Da Short List:
Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan's Sacha Baron Cohen, Anthony Hines, Peter Baynham, Dan Mazer and Todd Phillips... it's based on Da Ali G Show and it was predominantly improvised... so... um... five writers and they all got nominations?
- Children of Men's Alfonso Cuarón, Timothy J. Sexton, David Arata, Mark Fergus and Hawk Ostby... Five More Writers... though I admit, writing a movie about men having children is tough...
- The Departed's William Monahan... was his adaptation of The Departed... Faithful? Was he Faithful to The Departed... was he... did he... you get it? Sorry, I'll move on... it was based on Infernal Affairs anyway!
- Little Children's Todd Field and Tom Perrotta... WILL THEY WIN THE BATTLE AGAINST CHILDHOOD OBESITY? and
- Notes on a Scandal's Patrick Marber... maybe his editor had to give him notes on Notes on a Scandal.
Just stop reading now, folks, I haven't been funny in a long, long, long time.
Ben Affleck gave a presentation... reminding me that even he's won one and I haven't... of this montage of writers in movies... which led Tom Hanks and Helen Mirren to William Monahan for The Departed... but he wouldn't "depart" without the "play out" music, man... I'll be damned... he wrote a whole acceptance book! Notice his lack of being... me!
Best Achievement in Cinematography: Because it's better to look good than to feel good, right?
Here's lookin' at you,
- The Black Dahlia's Vilmos Zsigmond... because making a death scene like that look good is... whoa!
- Children of Men's Emmanuel Lubezki, child of myth, child of legend;
- The Illusionist's Dick Pope, just because I so rarely get to use the words "dick" and "pope" in the same sentence;
- El Laberinto del Fauno's Guillermo Navarro, for filling the void and giving us something we so desperately needed this year: A Nominee named "Guillermo" and
- The Prestige's Wally Pfister, whose name sounds like a really prestigious foreign car.
And the Oscar Goes To... GUILLERMO! AMAZING!!! Yep! Pan's Labyrinth wins again... but I was more interested in who gave it to him... Gwyneth Paltrow... Yum!
Best Achievement in Music Written for Motion Pictures, Original Score: Unlike the previous category, Blind People will care about this one!
Stay composed, guys, you list of...
- Babel's Gustavo Santaolalla, be you inspired by towers or fish;
- The Good German's Thomas Newman, though you might be neither German nor Good... okay, you're good;
- Notes on a Scandal's Philip Glass, though you wrote your "notes" on lined paper;
- El Laberinto del Fauno's Javier Navarrete, your music was aMAZEing and
- The Queen's Alexandre Desplat... good choice on your part between this and Open Water 2!
"What's with that color? Everybody's wearing that Salmon... SHIT!" said Michelle of Penelope Cruz' dress. Then she added, "She does look fucking fantastic in it, though!" Hugh Jackman got barely a mention as he and Penelope gave the award to Babel!
Best Achievement in Music Written for Motion Pictures, Original Song: I'm ready to admit it now... last year's choice sucked. It should've been called "It's Hard Out Here for the Listeners!" Bite my ASS!
I'll be damned if the nominees aren't...
Nah, give it to Melissa! That'd be a convenient truth!
- From An Inconvenient Truth, Melissa Etheridge's "I Need To Wake Up" Go Lesbian Nominees!!!
- From Dreamgirls, Henry Krieger, Scott Cutler, and Anne Preven's "Listen"... there's no intended subtle clue in this song title!
- From Dreamgirls again, Henry Krieger, and Siedah Garrett's "Love You I Do", as performed by Jedi Master Yoda!
- Also from Dreamgirls, Henry Krieger and Willie Reale's "Patience"... hey, way to stack the deck, Dreamgirls! Why not give someone else a chance...
- Like from Cars, Randy Newman's "Our Town"?
Have I mentioned how much I love my wife? I do... I really do... Thank you for letting me stay out and watch the Oscars and update this site... Would you marry me all over again? Oh, hell! Thanks!
When Queen Latifah and John Travolta redefined MATCH MADE IN HELL... I'm kidding... I thought I should call my wife again... she's so great, and cute... and she's got these big brown eyes and... OH HEY!!! Melissa Etheridge won! Hell Yes! LESBIAN POWER!
Sorry, Suz... Love you!
Hey, Melissa thanked her wife too! How's that for appropriate?
Folks, this is REAL TIME, you can't fade me!
Best Achievement in Art Direction : If they ever have a "Best Achievement in the Prime Directive", I think Captain Picard should win over both Robocop and Kirk.
But I digress... artfully challenging each other this time out are:
- Dreamgirls's John Myhre and Nancy Haigh... finally, a nomination for Dreamgirls!
- The Good Shepherd's Jeannine Claudia Oppewall, Gretchen Rau and Leslie E. Rollins... Shepherd beats German this time out... but both are "good"!
- El Laberinto del Fauno's Eugenio Caballero and Pilar Revuelta... es Bueno!
- Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest's Rick Heinrichs, but not Cheryl Carasik... okay... her too.
- The Prestige's Nathan Crowley and Julie Ochipinti... because they were just MAGIC!
Who should win? STILL PICARD!!!
Who did win? Art Direction was the first Oscar awarded, presented by Daniel Craig and Nicole Kidman to Pan's Labyrinth... Deal with it, Faun boy!
Best Achievement in Editing: "Okay, you kids, quit cuttin' up!"
"But it's our Job!"
Who's cuttin' up this year? Well,
- Douglas Crise and Stephen Mirrione are having to splice crap in from all over the world for Babel...
- Steven Rosenblum did a bloody good job, even with tears in his eyes on Blood Diamond...
- Alfonso Cuarón and Alex Rodríguez were both uniquely qualified to edit Children of Men, in that they both have biological fathers...
- Filmmaker Thelma Schoonmaker kicked ass on The Departed, even without Louise and...
- United 93 needed the United Three of Clare Douglas, Richard Pearson and Christopher Rouse to make it all work.
Kate Winslet presented, but not before Michelle said "She's wearing a Key Lime dress, what the... but she looks fantastic in it actually. She's trying to look like Cate Blanchett and failing miserably... Katie, you're no Cate! Damn it!"
I was just looking at her boobs... Kate's, not Michelle's... anyway, that caused me to almost miss the fact that The Departed won.
And Schoonmaker was wearing a Doily... says Michelle. Ah, well... Fashion is as Fashion does.
Best Achievement in Makeup: I've made so many bad puns on this page... I don't know how I can ever make this up to you! Oh, no, I did it again!
Involved in the Paint and latex fight are
- Apocalypto's Aldo Signoretti and Vittorio Sodano... this took guts... and brains, and bone and shredded skin and...
- Click's Kazuhiro Tsuji and Bill Corso, both saying "Screw You" to Rick Baker...
- El Laberinto del Fauno's David Martí and Montse Ribé who really... okay, I'm sorry to show such Bias here, but look at Pan for a second, dudes... Just hand them the statue now... just... just give it 'em! GIVE... IT... 'EM...
Well, they gave it 'em! Jack Black, Will Ferrell and John C. Reilly gave a musical tour de FARCE, then threw the lil' statue at Pan's Labyrinth!
Best Achievement in Visual Effects: Whether you're digitally removing some dude's legs or adding in a whole new character, these kinky tweakers are the ones who make a movie look like a cartoon.
Hoping to remain effectively visual are...
- Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest's Wizards of the Y Drive, John Knoll, Hal T. Hickel, Charles Gibson and Allen Hall, all of whom are hoping the next nominee is brought down by THE KRAKEN!!!
- Poseidon's wetworks workers Boyd Shermis, Kim Libreri, Chas Jarrett and that dude John Frazier... They capsized at the box office, where's the Pity Vote?
- Superman Returns' masters of HEAT VISUAL EFFECTS, the high flying Mark Stetson, the bullet proof Richard R. Hoover, Neil Corbould and his super breath and the X-Ray Master Jon Thum! To the Naysayers about Superman Returns, you can kiss Oscar's crotch!
Robert Downey Jr. and the delicious Naomi Watts handed out the Uncle baldy to The Pirates folks... Michelle is GLOATING! Superman, I still believe in you! Downey was getting some killer visuals!
Best Achievement in Costume Design: Stop the contest right now... Look at Superman Returns' incredible costume design... taking a classic icon and making it right for the Post Millennium moviegoer... the dark leather cape, the killer boots, the smaller, three dimensional "S-Shield", the spandex made out of thousands of tiny "S-Shields", the... Oh, what? They weren't nominated? Crap...
Who was? Let's see...
- Man cheng jin dai huang jin jia's Chung Man Yee may have my vote, man, just because the word "man" shows up so much in the name and the movie title, man, and I say man a lot, man... man! Man!
- The Devil Wears Prada's Patricia Field... When Michelle and I saw the beginning of this film, just in the credit sequence when the Models were putting on their undies, we looked at each other and said "I love this movie!"... at the same time, in a total "Jinx" moment. She owes me a coke. If those are the costumes Oscar is referring to, then they win, HANDS DOWN!
- Dreamgirls' Sharen Davis... somehow in my dreams, girls are dressed more as they were in The Devil Wears Prada!
- Marie Antoinette's Milena Canonero, who is the only candidate in this race who truly is fit to dress a queen!
- The Queen's Consolata Boyle... okay... her too, then.
Anne Hathaway and Emily Blunt could have done WITHOUT the costumes as they presented the award to Marie Antoinette! Seriously, wouldn't that be great? Naked Oscar Presentations? I wouldn't want Al Gore to be there, though, if that happened.
Best Achievement in Sound Editing: My fantasy for this category is that we let them fight it out, like in that old National Guard commercial with that actor playing Abe Lincoln... it'd be all "I win Best Achievement in Sound Editing!"
"IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII'll Rassle ya for it!!!"
But because that's clearly just my ass...
are going to be highly pissed if these guys win!
Flags of Our Fathers' Alan Robert Murray and Bub Asman... hey, Bub, I'm an Ass Man too... Actually, I'm more of a breast man, but hey... Anyway, I wonder if we could get a double bill of Children of Men and Flags of our Fathers and... link them up... some... how... okay, that's ridiculous... Shit... Okay, I'm really going to have to get my back space key fixed. Or, how about combine a lot of them with Little Children of Our Fathers Who Are Blood Diamond Boggarting Good German Shepherds from Iwo Jima! No? Okay...
Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest's George Watters II and Christopher Boyes... I want this one to win... like I said... I'm a breast man!
Apocalypto's Sean McCormack and Kami Asgar, who might win that fight, just from watching those aggressive South American Vandals!
- Blood Diamond's Lon Bender... sounds like a Map Quest direction... L on Bender... R on Monlaco... L on Charlemagne... R on Limbaugh...
- Letters from Iwo Jima's Alan Robert Murray and Bub Asman... boy I'll bet the sound editors of Flags of Our Fathers
Winner? Chest? Chest? Please? I'll give you some beads!!! No, way, man! It was Letters from Iwo Jima! Steve Carell and Greg Kinnear gave a muted introduction and Asman boggarted it!
Best Achievement in Sound: Let's mix it up... Does that sound good?
No? Well, here are the nominees anyway, Smuggo!
- Apocalypto's Kevin O'Connell, Greg P. Russell and Fernando Cámara... and if they don't win, it will be THE END OF THE WORLD... and we know who ol' Mel would blame for that, now don't we?
- Blood Diamond's Andy Nelson, Anna Behlmer and Ivan Sharrock... maybe they could bribe their way to a win... DeBeers!
- Dreamgirls' Michael Minkler, Bob Beemer and Willie D. Burton... I refuse to endorse any of these nominees until I hear what Ariana Huffington has to say!
- Flags of Our Fathers' John T. Reitz, David E. Campbell, Gregg Rudloff and Walt Martin... No, not Dennis Rodman! Who cares? Who cares what Dennis Rodman has to say?
Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest's Paul Massey, Christopher Boyes and Lee Orloff... as opposed to COUNT ORLOFF! Oh, hell, Channel 7, right now... Obama just did a running jump and elbowed Hilary in the back, screaming "HIKEBA!", and then Hilary spun around and head-butted Obama, screaming "GYMKATA!" Dude, this is gonna be good!
The BEATING has ended... Instead, that huge boob chick from Seventh Heaven and that Faun from Narnia threw the statue at Dreamgirls!
Best Animated Feature Film of the Year: What? No Theatrical Release for "Drawn Together"? Could that be because... It sucks?
Scribbled onto the screen this here year are:
- Cars by John Lasseter... dude, that Lightening McQueen... what a Race Car.
- Happy Feet by George Miller... hey wouldn't it be funny if this was the "George Miller" that directed the "Mad Max" movies? That'd be just... just... What? Oh, man, it is him!!!
- Monster House by Gil Kenan... dude, who cares? Give it to Miller... Just let him host... give him the works... he rocks, man! MIL-LER, MIL-LER, MIL-LER, MIL-LER, MIL-LER, MIL-LER, MIL-LER, MIL-LER, MIL-LER, MIL-LER!
Cameron Diaz gave a very animated and insipid presentation to... drumroll... MIL-LER, MIL-LER, MIL-LER, MIL-LER, MIL-LER, MIL-LER, MIL-LER, MIL-LER, MIL-LER, MIL-LER MIL-LER, MIL-LER, MIL-LER, MIL-LER, MIL-LER, MIL-LER, MIL-LER, MIL-LER, MIL-LER, MIL-LER!
Best Documentary, Features: OKAY, LET'S GET REAL, DAMN IT!
Standing in line to be booed by the Teamsters this year are:
- Deliver Us from Evil by Amy Berg and Frank Donner... but only if they get their trespasses forgiven first!
- An Inconvenient Truth by Davis Guggenheim... and if they don't win, Al Gore is going to demand a Re-Count... but not in Florida!
- Iraq in Fragments by James Longley and Yahya Sinno... Yep, that's a Documentary all right!
- Jesus Camp by Heidi Ewing and Rachel Grady... I'm guessing this one wasn't rated R!
- "Now with Bill Moyers: My Country My Country" by Laura Poitras and Jocelyn Glatzer... Just what the academy awards needs this year... more Bill Moyers! No, really, I'm serious! I'm sorry if that sounded sarcastic!
In case you were wondering what Jerry Seinfeld is up to... and I wasn't... he was busy giving a lame ass speech about movie trash before shoving Oscar up the ass of An Inconvenient Truth...
"Looks like there's not going to be a Recount, Michelle!"
"Well, FARK, there should be!"
Best Foreign Language Film of the Year: Do you know what I did? This year I spent thousands of dollars and way too much time learning Danish, Algerian, Spanish, German and French just so I could understand every little piece of each of these movies... Turns out they all had "Subtitles"! Holy Merde!
Here's the list for you to figure out...
- Efter brylluppet from Denmark... the country that brought us Hamlet, but sadly, also "King Diamond". In the US, it's called After the Wedding, which makes me think of Hamlet and King Diamond tying the knot. Oh my prophetic soul!
- Indigènes from Algeria, which is better than its English Title "Days of Glory", which is a Bruce Springsteen song, just waiting to happen!
- El Laberinto del Fauno from Mexico... the Director of Hellboy shows us a real Horn Head in Pan's Labyrinth!
- Das Leben der Anderen from Germany, also known as The Lives of Others... Finally, all of us who have religiously watched the third season of Lost will find out about the lives of OTHERS!
- Water from Canada, which is known as "Water" in the USA, and is known as "Water" in India, which co-produced this flick. Man, I need my Canadian to English dictionary, bad! Eau!
Cate Blanchett and Clive Owen wandered onstage and then got a translator to help them give the award to... Fucking not Pan's Labyrinth! Dude! Okay... I'll give Das Leben der Anderen a chance... Sophie Scholl, you know...
Best Documentary, Short Subjects: I would make one of these myself, but I'm not much into reality, and I really don't have the time!
So, in lieu of mine, here are some nominees for you to check out:
- The Blood of Yingzhou District by Ruby Yang and Thomas Lennon... Why not the Diamonds of Yingzhou District? They seem to go hand in hand this year like Nominations for dudes named Guillermo!
- Recycled Life by Leslie Iwerks and Mike Glad... Leslie said "I work so hard on my documentary shorts!" Mike responded that he was glad!
- Rehearsing a Dream by Karen Goodman and Kirk Simon... because the alternative would be a REQUIEM for said unrehearsed dream!
- Two Hands: The Leon Fleisher Story by Nathaniel Kahn and Susan Rose Behr... I would make a joke about classic "Fleisher" animation, but would prefer to simply say... KHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!
"This is the year of the Awful Oscar Dress!" quoth Michelle about the chick wearing the dress with Barnacles on it... with that dude from Y Tu Mama Tambien... The Blood of Yingzhou District won, anyway! Though Lennon warranted no commentary by Michelle... Ruby Yang's dress was called "a dead poodle over the shoulder"!
Best Short Film, Animated: These are definitevly more of a "Box Office Draw" than their live action counter parts...
Let me draw up the short list of Nominees:
- The Danish Poet by Torill Kove... was his poem called "After the Wedding"?
- Lifted by Gary Rydstrom... I was lifted when she said, how hard can it be? How hard can it be when you're a western star, shinin' and free, don't you know that a star burns best, how hard can it be I say a-HOW HARD CAN IT BE?
- The Little Matchgirl by Roger Allers and Don Hahn... Man, this one's going to make me cry just thinking about it... so I'll just say... HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHN!
- Maestro by Géza M. Tóth, who is a true Master... and has the coolest name in this list.
- No Time for Nuts by Chris Renaud and Mike Thurmeier... Because sometimes you feel like a nut... sometimes you don't... Almond Joy's got nuts... Mounds Don't. Sometimes you won't have time for either one!
Jaden Christopher Syre Smith and Abigail Breslin gave this one out... So, was the maestro lifted or did the matchgirl go nuts? None of the above... Go Hamlet, Go... The Danish Poet took it home!
Best Short Film, Live Action: When you can't draw it... hire those laborers we call "ACTORS" and let them "ACT" the lines for you...
These Nominees already learned that one:
, but with more gang violence.
- Binta y la gran idea by Javier Fesser and Luis Manso... though this one was made in 2004... what's the Spanish word for "Loophole"?
- Éramos pocos by Borja Cobeaga... which was made in 2005... Good going...
- Helmer & søn by Søren Pilmark and Kim Magnusson... ladies and Gentlemen, the only actual nominee in this category from 2øø6!!!
- The Saviour by Peter Templeman and Stuart Parkyn... which is from 2005... I'll say they had a Saviour!
- West Bank Story by Ari Sandel, also from 2005... It's kind of like West Side Story
Jaden Christopher Syre Smith and Abigail Breslin wouldn't leave the stage, man... See, it's because they're Short... Get it... they're kids? Clever... Clever... Clever! Bring it on home, West Bank Story! And bring me a Falafal while you're there, damn it!!!
So, there you've got your Oscar Ballot... just be careful about writing all over your monitor. Let's hand it all over to ol' Ellen... I'll be in the Gym doing Leg Lifts... watch this space for more on the 2006 Oscars and more on my narcissistic tendencies.