Corpses (2004)

(Release Date: August 24, 2004)

Ranger Rolfe and his Big Dog, Dick! Or... Ranger Rolfe and his Big... dog dick!

The real Corpse here is your Thanksgiving Turkey!

What a pot load of fucking shit!
J.C. Mašek III
The World's Greatest Critic!

Oh, hello! Welcome to our home. You remember Suzanne... and, of course, Alex. Hugs and kisses all around. Alex, please take our guest's coat and hang it up. Thank you, sweetie! We're so pleased that you could spend this Thanksgiving with us. How is the family? Uh-huh? And Grandma? Oh, well that's just splendid. We sure hope you've brought your appetite. You did? Ah, good. Have a seat. Would you like to say Grace? Yes, we've waited up for you.

Ah, charming. The "Look out Stomach, here it comes!" part really showed your appreciation for God's Bounty. I'll have to remember that one.

No, don't worry, we've already made you a plate. Yes, yes. Here you go. You've got it all... here's the cranberry sauce, jellied like you like it, and still in the appetizing shape of a tin can. Ah! Of course the broccoli, cauliflower and Brussels sprouts all in a sea of pasteurized, processed cheese food. Here's a little stuffing for you, not too dry! Mashed potatoes (with a pinch of garlic), and some rich gravy... that covers it.

Oh, of course, silly me. I forgot the most important part of a Thanksgiving Feast... the Turkey. Here you go... here's your Turkey!

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Fahey looks like he just ate some bad Turkey. Or starred in one!

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Complete Zombie Collection:

This year, it's Corpses. That's right, the title of the Turkey is "Corpses", a name about as brilliantly selected as that K*Mart stock you took such a bath on. What's that? Oh, yes, it is a Zombie Movie. A Zombie movie that makes most other Zombie movies feel as subtle and nuanced as a Hitchcock flick. Hell, Corpses makes most Lucio Fulci fare look like the best of David Fincher. What's that look for? Oh, you could use a little salt, of course, here it is! And the pepper. Good. Taste better now? And did I mention that this one stars Jeff Fahey?

Ah! Ah! Ah-ah! Sit do-own! We've been planning this for months, now haven't we? Besides, back, well, it's been almost twenty years, now isn't it? Back then you told me that Fahey was the one to watch... you remember, back when Psycho III came out? And in 1990, when White Hunter Black Heart came out, remember you said that this was it... he was going to be a star. Yes, you did! Well, I'm sorry to say that Corpses is no White Hunter Black Heart! It's no Psycho III either. Hell, to be fair, it's not even Body Parts or The Lawnmower Man!

More gravy, you say? Sure, here you go. I'm sorry if this Turkey is too dry. I'm afraid that when I tell you the plot, you might start to worry about trichinosis! Because it's undercooked, that's why. Uh, Suzanne, can you lock the door, please? Oh, no reason, go ahead and eat!

Corpses is the diarrhea-inducing tale of an Undertaker named Fred Withers, who is, I'm sorry to say, played by Robert Donovan with an "O", who is sometimes credited as Robert Donavan with an A. No, you're right I don't care how it's spelled either, we both know who he is, sadly. Yeah, I know, I didn't like Trancers 6 either. Freddy-boy has been jilted by his ex-wife (she's currently nailing Fahey's Police Captain Richie Winston, what a slam!). He's got a bumbling employee, named Jerry, apathetically brought to us by "actor" Stephen W. Williams, who is infinitely more interested in playing with the huge breasts of his cute girlfriend (Tiffany Shepis' Rhonda) than in cleaning up blood, bile and embalming fluid off of the autopsy room floor (shocker, there!). Fred is, in fact, such an asshole, that by some miracle of plot contrivance, he manages to develop a syrum that can bring the dead back to life for one hour at a time to do his evil bidding, and to take revenge upon an uncaring world! He actually uses the line "I'll show her, you just wait and see... I'll show them all!"

Oh, I'm sorry, what's that look on your face? Did you just chew on some gristle? Oh! Oh, it was the LINE? Yes, that was distasteful, wasn't it? I'm sorry.

Anyway, with some stab at bringing the whole lawnmower-scattered plot into a single wadded up tear of script, Writer/ Director Rolfe Kanefsky, who clearly has read (but much more likely, seen) Re-Animator a few billion times, makes Rhonda the daughter of old Captain Winston. Naturally, she's grounded for butsin' out the nasty with Jerry, so she runs away from home to help Jerry find out what the Eff-You-See-Kay old Frederick has up his syringe back at the Office.

Oh, you're not done yet, there's still seconds and the dessert, of course. What's that? You've "really got to be going?" When we discussed this you said you had no plans all day! Stay, stay! We've got to finish this Turkey.

Aside from liberally ripping off Re-Animator like a day-old band-aid, it's clear that Rolfe and friends have either seen Victor Halperin's 1932 flick White Zombie, or they've met someone who gave them the gist of it. The ideas from that flick are sprayed all over Corpses like yellowed urine. He also makes some serious stabs at not being serious. Campy comedy is as omnipresent here as Southern Baptists at a Republican Fundraiser. However, this is no Shaun of the Dead, this is no Return of the Living Dead and this is most certainly no Braindead.

More tea, you say? Oh, of course I have something stronger... how about a glass of Brandy? Oh, you want the whole bottle? Sure! Here's some more Turkey for you? That's funny... you still look hungry!

Anyway, the laughs here are lamer than a three-legged horse, and about on par with the least funny cartoons you've ever smelled. When Jeff Fahey actually shoots a naked hooker Zombie to death, and then becomes (instantaneously and uncharacteristically) a Zombie Killing freak, dressed just like the Terminator (complete with Cigar in the corner of his mouth) and garden implements as weapons, it's a safe bet that this film will never get to even the two star level. What's that? Oh, yes, she was still sort of attractive naked. In fact, this is possibly the only flick that featured a Zombie I actually wanted to see naked. Ouch! Suzanne, that really hurt. Damn! Still, seeing hot naked women their hearts ripped out of their bare chests isn't nearly as much fun as sitting on a cold toilet seat is. You might as well watch the complete video collection of the band Necrophagia. But I wouldn't recommend it!

The plot of this booger essentially could have filled up one of the lesser episodes of Tales from the Crypt, with a much lamer swork of comedy... therefore, this Turkey is just packed with stuffing. There's more filler material here than in the Build-a-Bear workshop and more needless gratuities than in a fancy restaurant, staffed by the world's shittiest waiters. Yes, the more I saw Fahey wearing those wrap-around sunglasses at night, saying things like "Come On" and "Hell Yeah" as he chopped up Zombies, the more I hated him. The bad lines never stop in this Turkey either. What's worse, no one in this movie seems to be enjoying what their doing, or believing a single split second of it. Each actor has that look of somebody who really doesn't feel like being at work that day. They're like a cross between the day laborers you see in parking lots on your way to work... or that jackass three cubicles down from you who hates his job, but can't get anything better.

Wow, I've never seen anyone drink a whole bottle of Brandy that quickly. Suzanne, you'd better take his keys.

Oh, don't cry, it wasn't all bad. I mean, there was the nudity... oh, yeah, that got ruined. Well, Tiffany Shepis does get her clothes ripped off down to her fishnets and little red Bra and Panties! Okay, I know... it's not enough. I admit it, this movie sucked like that underwater silt mover that Jacques Cousteu uses. It's like Rolfe simply dared us to make fun of his bad movie by throwing in more B-Movie ClichÚs than you'd find in the entire Mystery Science Theatre 3000 back catalogue. It still sucks, and doesn't even have the courtesy to cover its teeth.

Well, we've finally finished our Turkey this year. I know, I've got a tummy ache too. It was pretty bad, wasn't it? I'm sorry. You'll be really angry when you find out that, because this is, Turkeys are actually known as DOGs! Yes, we just finished all of Corpses, only to find out that Corpses is a DOG! Well, how do you think I feel? I'm a Vegetarian! Would you prefer to have eaten a "bomb"? What? You would have? Oh my! I suppose, the director's name should have been a clue to how this would go. I mean... doesn't "Rolfe" sound like something a dog might say?

Well, it's been wonderful having you hear as our guest this Thanksgiving. I'm thinking that we need to do this every year... have you come back to us and we'll all share a movie together. It's a brand new Thanksgiving Holiday tradi-... hey, come back! Hey... why are you running away? The Kennel Club National Dog Show, sponsored by Purina is about to come on NBC! Don't... don't scream! Come back! I was going to make an Espresso!

[Continued in the 2006 Thanksgiving Turkey!!!]

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!
More Turkeys are reviewed here, and all it takes is a click from you!

Corpses (2004) was painfully reviewed by J.C. Mašek III, who is solely responsible for his reviews and for the fact that he has to eat Tofurkey every Thanksgiving Holiday, in spite of the fact that he watches movies about the dead eating the living year round!
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