J.C. Maçek III The World's Greatest Critic!!! I've watched so very many bad movies (often in a row) lately that I'm almost getting numb to them. They never cease to be horrible, of course, but man, it's just not unique anymore to call something "so bad it's funny." Night of the Bloody Apes is most certainly among the worst and unintentionally funniest films on the Video Nasty List. It's also one of the least accurately titled films on the list. The original Mexican title translates to something like "The Horrible Man-Beast", which is a lot closer to the content of this film, seeing as how there are no "Bloody Apes", but one goof ball in an ape mask running around. But, seeing as how an alternate title was Horror and Sex, I'll stick with this one. Part of... The 2008 Winter of Weird! Fall in love with MORE Video Nasties! Part of me wondered if this title was made up for the UK market. Maybe they were thinking of calling it "Night of the Apes", but added the "Bloody" part in due to that extra meaning in England. Meaning, by the way, is something this movie lacks, like Burger King lacks nutritional value. Our initial focus in this Flea-Bitten flick is a hot, but usually masked female wrestler named Lucy Ossorio (Norma Lazareno) and her significant other, Police Lieutenant Arturo Martinez (Armando Silvestre). Now I realize that it's traditional for Mexican wrestlers to wear masks but in this case, the Red Devil mask she wears serves the additional purpose of making the transition between her scenes and those of her body double slightly more seamless. Seeing as how her Body Double is about double her body width, "seamless" is a relative term. The Bad Dialogue kicks into high gear right after the four minute mark elapses. When Lucy (or rather, her body double) throws her opponent (Noelia Noel's Elena Gomez) out of the ring and onto the floor, Arturo (the cop) runs up and says (with complete sincerity) "This woman's been hurt, somebody call a doctor." Okay, first of all, no shit. Second of all, wasn't that the point when Lucy lifted her over her head and dropped her to the hard, cold floor almost ten feet below? He actually sounded surprised. Was the point of that to prove that Wrestling is Fake? Was John Stossel waiting in the wings with a film crew about to pop out and say "I knew it! I knew it was fake! Stop hitting me!" That, my friends, is the most intelligent and well thought out part of the movie, methinks. Don't believe me? Lucy follows this drama with the statement of "I feel like I'm to Blame!" Oh... WHY? You threw her onto the concrete and you feel like you're to blame? So does God, Lucy, so does God. Meanwhile, in what feels like a completely different movie, inventive surgeon Dr. Krallman (José Elías Moreno) and his Igor-like sidekick Goyo (Carlos López Moctezuma) go to the zoo (nice night for it), approach a cage with a real-live monkey in it, only to somehow shoot a man in a gorilla suit with their tranquilizer dart. Throughout the rest of the film (well, the rest of its life) the real animal and the suited actor (the two of whom look about as much alike as I look like the Sphinx) alternate parts constantly. The reason for this? See, old man Krallman has a son named Julio (Agustín Martínez Solares) who has a terminal heart condition, so the Doc decides it's Transplant Time. Apparently some big Ape is his first choice. Organ Harvesting is his second career, folks, sue him. I'll tell you this, though, from the moment ol Kreepy Krally says "Prepare the Gorilla", you know this film means business! After some real footage of a heart transplant, ol' Julio (which is alternately pronounced the Spanish way [Who? Leo?] and the not-so-Spanish way [Jew Leo.]) is feeling pretty darned good... that is, until the Ape Heart causes him to Mutate (werewolf-like) into a half-man/ half-ape. So... that's what would happen? Neat! That's an angle they missed in Untamed Heart. To be technical, Julio isn't exactly half-man/ half-ape. He's more five-sixths-man/ one-sixth-ape, seeing as how he only turns into an ape-like-thing from the neck up. From the waist down, on the other hand, he's more like a Viagara ad, because Monkey Julio is all about making up for being bed-ridden all those years by having all the sex in the city he can get away with, as fast as possible. Seeing as how he's fuck-ugly now from the neck up, you'd better believe that the sex is going to be with unwilling partners. Herein lies the very reason this one was Banned in England as a Video Nasty... eroticized rape scenes (accompanied by spurting blood) performed by (essentially) a non-human. How anyone at the Director of Public Prosecutions office or the British Board of Film Classification took this movie seriously enough to call it "Obscene", though, is beyond me. Here's an example: The guy walks into an apartment, makes funny noises, scares a lovely naked woman in the shower (Gina Morett, appropriately credited as "Woman in shower"), then carries her unconscious to her bed and attempts to have his way with her... but can't seem to master the fine art of removing his own pants. It gets sillier from there, if you can believe that. Lame, indoor sets meant to look like outdoor parks are messed up by the actors, inane dialogue runs rampant (Goyo advises his "master" that any heart donor would die in the process... thank you) and repeated scenes of lovely nudity and laughable violence prevail throughout the last half of this 81 minute flick. The nudity is nice (Lucy's post-shower phone call is a keeper), but the violence (one man is actually "killed" due to wounds incurred when Julio forcibly removes his toupee)... is really poorly done. All the while, ol' Arturo (whose name changes, like Julio's did, to "Arthur" a fourth of the way through) is one step behind whomever is breaking animals out of the zoo, raping women and wasting men. And how does his absence bode for Lucy's immense feelings of guilt? The rest is a lame mix of ripping off the classic Universal Horror flicks and ripping off the classic Hammer Horror flicks... with enough exploitation (yes, there is a Fulcian Eye-Popping scene) thrown in to hopefully turn a tidy profit. Hey, it's no Beast in Heat, but it most certainly gives Night of the Demon a run for its pesos. Thankfully, though, Night of the Bloody Apes has some fantastic nudity. It's just too bad that wasn't the focus of the film. My version might be something like Lady of the Evening of the Bloody Apes... but there wouldn't be any bloody apes (singular or plural). Speaking of "Versions", it turns out that Night of the Bloody Apes is technically a remake of 1962's Las Luchadoras contra el médico asesino (AKA: Doctor of Death, though the Spanish title more closely translates to "The Wrestler Women Versus the Assassin Doctor"). I'll bet René Cardona director of that film was pissed that such a bad movie was remade from his art. Well, he would have been, except for the fact that the director of Night of the Bloody Apes was also René Cardona, who co-wrote this version of the screenplay with his son René Cardona, Jr. I wonder what made Lil' René say "Hey, Dad, let's remaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaake... That one!" Don't you see what this means? It's time for another remake, man! They most certainly found that one element that was missing from Untamed Heart and Slater needs the work, so how about we make Untamed Heart II: Adam's Revenge? We've got our plot already made and ready! I can see it now... "I may love with my mind and soul, not my heart... but I kill with my CLAWS!!! HA HA HA HA HA!" Okay, I'll stop. The laughs in this film, however, never stop. I couldn't understand how the English-language Voice Actors read all their lines without laughing... especially the one who put an Irish Accent on the Beat Cop. The ending is a laugh in and of itself, but sadly, no, we never get to see Lucy's Devil Wrestler do battle with the Ape-Man. Now that would be worth the price of a ticket, there, John Stossel or no John Stossel!!! From the dialogue (you crazy Renes) to the directing to the acting to the special effects to the make-up to the ripping off of every third movie since Frankenstein and King Kong to the very plot itself, Night of the Bloody Apes is a laugh riot. Those of you who have no qualms about sitting through a bad movie for the reward of looking at plenty of beautiful, naked Mexican women might get a kick out of this one (provided they can handle the blood and gore), but even they would join me in calling Night of the Bloody Apes night of the bloody DOG. Desensitized though I may be to the affects of mass Exploitation Flick consumption, I'll never develop a tolerance for laughter, nor will I ever develop a tolerance for great nude scenes. I could OD on both. Hell, we'll OD on it together. Meet me in the next reel and we'll get to it. First, though, I think it's time for me to plan a quick trip down to yummy Mexico... I figure I can watch Untamed Heart on the train on the way. You with me?