Corpses Are Forever (2003)

(Release Date: March 3, 2003)

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J.C. Maçek III The World's Greatest Critic! Remember those kids in school who were so desperate to fit in that they did everything the popular kids did, and imitated them so obviously and pathetically that their folly was absolutely pitifully transparent? Well, The Asylum Home Entertainment is the Movie Studio version of those very nerds. Good, bad, ugly, thick, thin, rich, poor, top grossers, cult favorites, forgotten gems, the next big thing, The Asylum Home Entertainment will rip them ALL off, worse than FearDotCom ripped off Ringu! Much worse. Compared to a lot of The Asylum's plagiarized drink coasters, FearDotCom seems original and ground breaking. So when I gave in to my need for more Linnea Quigley in my life and rented Corpses Are Forever, the first sight of the logo for The ASSylum caused me to utter "Oh, man, this is NOT a good sign!" I had no idea the prescience of that statement. BUT WAIT, THERE'S MORE! Scroll Down for the Complete Zombie Collection: Corpses are Forever is indeed derivative. It is indeed intended to cash in on other, better movies that it has stolen from. It is indeed ultra-low budget. These things are all givens. However, I can scarcely imagine a worse movie being created by a blind, mentally challenged Dodo Bird from a script it typed while listening to Vogon Poetry and experiencing fits of drug induced insanity during which it occasionally became convinced that it, in fact, was Al Gore. If The Asylum is the nerdy kid in school who was picked on by the popular kids, "Writer", "Director", "Star", "Executive Producer", "Composer", "Special Effects Technician" Jose Prendes is the bottom feeder getting his ass kicked and lunch money stolen by THAT kid. I almost feel terrible about riffing on poor little HOSE-ay like that, but every time I think of the Ego with which this piece of celluloid cancer was formulated I realize that there is no offensive enough insult. Therefore I shan't try. This is the purest of the pure vanity pieces, packed with "I'm So Cool" moments that are more ridiculously pathetic than the band geek asking the cheerleader to prom. Worse, this film isn't even "so bad it's funny", this film has no such redeeming qualities. Lucio Fulci never made a movie this bad, Ed Wood never made a movie this bad, Bert I. Gordon never made a movie this bad, Michael Bay never made a movie this bad, Roger Corman never made a movie this bad, Rolfe Kanefsky never made a movie this bad, not even Bruno Mattei ever made a movie this bad! I get angry just thinking about it. There, they got a rise out of me. I suppose they can take pride in that. Well, to be fair, it's not as bad as Freeway. Ach! Yes it is! It's much worse than Freeway! Now before I go on, and anyone starts thinking that Kneumsi just didn't get it, Prendes did intend for this to be a farce, and somewhat humorous in nature. He failed. If the title doesn't clue you in, this has more than a little James Bond spoofing in its intent. However, instead of seeming to be a Zombie version of Diamonds Are Forever, it feels a lot more like the result of someone forgetting their camera was on and then doing nothing for 92 minutes. Prendes is terrible in the "role" of Malcolm Grant the amnesiac (lucky bastard) "secret agent" (ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha) who is having flashbacks of the life of another guy I hate named Quint Barrow (basically Grant with a shave and a haircut). Barrow consistently has visions of a serial killer (who purports to have kidnapped his son) doing his dirty deeds. If this one-line summary doesn't clue you in to the anti-surprise Prendes has planned, his constant use of idiotic foreshadowing, which is about as subtle as the Atom Bomb, sure as hell will. Grant has to continue experiencing these flashbacks using drugs at the behest of lame-ass General Morton (Richard Lynch, who has never been worse) and his pathetic minions. Grant readily agrees! Why? Well, the film wants you to believe that it's because this is the key to solving the crisis of poorly made up zombies staggering around Miami, but it's really because he desperately wants to be part of a clique, and even the zombies think Grant is too gross to hang out with. About half-way through the nonexistent plot an incredibly pathetic movie gets even worse, and Prendes tries gimmick after gimmick to appear "artistic". This includes switching from ridiculously lighted color scenes to bland Black and White scenes that are as fun to watch as a wad of dryer lint. Every change in camera angle results in a change in sound, every joke causes a wince, and every time Prendes puts on his best attempt at machismo (usually with a gun he can barely hold the weight of) I felt sorry for his family. Man, does this nerd have an ego. Essentially this is a junk drawer filled with lame fake punches and kicks, bad acting, inept make-up, unfunny jokes, and a nurse's uniform stolen directly from Brianna Loves Jenna. Speaking of that, how DARE Jose Prendes lay this turd on us without any nudity? With a cast that actually includes Linnea Quigley there is simply no good reason for this crap. You'd think that having written himself as a cool, hunky ladies man (in spite of his lanky frame, bad hair and a muppet-like face) he'd want to direct himself in a sex scene with at least one of the hotties. I guess he doesn't even fit in with the people he pays to hang out with him! Don't let curiosity prompt you to rent this accident of the spinning disc, and most certainly don't buy the damned thing. Boredom has rarely actually HURT like this! The singular thing more wasteful than relegating Linnea Quigley to a blood-spattered Deus Ex Machina, prompting more audience fury than comic relief, is the completely tacked on and unnecessary cameo by Felissa Rose during the injurious last half. I don't fault these horror honeys, though. We could all use some cigarette money now and then. This is Jose Prendes' fault. The closing credits threaten that "Malcolm Grant will return in The Corpse Who Loved Me!" I hope that's wrong! Please! A big, nasty, dingle-berried DOG goes to Corpses Are Forever, the film that purports to rip off James Bond, but really rips off every whacked thing from I, Zombie to The Devil's Advocate! This horrible movie shouldn't be viewed by inmates at Abu Ghraib or Gitmo, even. The choice to include ads from Dawn of the Dead and The Last House on the Left was as ill advised as the choice to mention They Live by name in this film. This only serves to point out what a clog in the sewer pipe of "Straight to Video" this bad movie is. There's nothing like mentioning better movies during a terrible one to make the audience wonder why they're bothering. I don't know why I'm bothering. The only thing worth watching on this DVD is the extra featuring Linnea Quigley in her little jeans and tiny bra, showing us around her house and showing us the fact that at the age of 45 she still has an incredible body. But seriously... the actual MOVIE was less interesting that watching her show us her collection of old VHS tapes and Vinyl records. This movie sucks the big black donkey dick! I can't believe I even watched this!