Fortress of Amerikkka (1989)
AKA: The Mercenaries (Alternate English Title)
AKA: Fortress Of Amerikkka: The Mercenaries (Opening Credits Title)
AKA: Forteca Ameryka (Poland)
AKA: Festung Amerikkka (West Germany)

(Release Date: 1989)
(DVD Release Date: March 30, 2004)
(VHS Release Date: March 31, 1998)

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J.C. Maçek III The World's Greatest Critic! Once upon a time many years ago I found myself up late on a weekend watching USA's "Up All Night". The show, for those who had better things to do on the weekends (no comments, please), was essentially a forum for bad movies with all the "good" parts edited out. Therefore, if you were caught home alone and didn't have HBO, Showtime, Cinemax or The Movie Channel, you could watch USA Up All Night and see scantily clad women doing sanctimoniously over-the-top things just before taking off their clothes for the purpose of furthering a ridiculous and laughable sci-fi, horror or action plot. Of course, being that this was USA, the camera always cut away before any actual nudity was seen. Thus, the result was an experiment in viewer frustration and ground zero for disaster after disaster from Troma Pictures... again, with all the good parts excised. But back to the lecture at hand... One night I was unfortunate enough to find myself watching that silly excuse for an anthology series, possibly after experiencing a particularly bad break-up with a girlfriend or coming down from a Booze Binge the likes of which half of Ireland couldn't survive. That night the featured film was a vile slice of dried elephant wang called Fortress of Amerikkka which is excessively bad even by the standards of the "Bad And Proud Of It" Troma back catalogue. While I was indeed amazed at how much one film could, in fact, suck shit, I was equally, if not more, amazed by the beautiful, half naked women who (literally) rounded out the cast. Don't get me wrong, I hated the film, but I couldn't stop watching, hoping that somehow the editor and censor may have taken their coffee break together at the wrong time and... I don't know... missed a cut. No such luck! So I was determined to watch the damned thing uncut, less to experience the "film" in the manner in which it was intended, but to fast forward past the outhouse-bucket full of film that made up most of the movie and just watch what were sure to be the good parts. The trouble was... I couldn't find it. Could it be that Video Stores in Shreveport, Louisiana had better taste than to carry tripe like that? Perhaps... but these days you can watch the same tripe over the internet for free, so... Huzzah! It should be noted, however, that the most striking actress in the film, an East Asian Blonde named Alison LePriol was not one I had to wait too long to see again. See, she was also starring in a long string of hardcore adult movies under the name of Kascha... and my local Video One did not have too much taste to carry THOSE films. After watching Fortress of Amerikkka again, aside from re-affirming the fact that nobody but nobody should ever bother watching a Troma Flick without nudity, I can confirm that Fortress of Amerikkka is one of the worst films one could ever be conned by intergalactic gangsters into suffering through. I can also confirm that the nudity was well worth waiting for. Take my advice, don't watch this movie... even on a dare... but if you do, prepare to utilize your fast-forward feature and enjoy the rolling hills of Northern California. Because, trust me, there really is no other reason to watch this piece of hog piss. Most of you will see a title like Fortress of Amerikkka and say "No shit!". Those of you who love to make fun of bad movies might ask "Why not?" Bottom line, this movie makes about as much sense as the fact that Chrysler is touting their new Hybrid as getting a whopping 19 miles per gallon highway (estimated)! Fortress of Amerikkka is the disjointed and un-called-for story of a misguided and idiotic militia somewhere in the back woods of hicktown USA called (drumroll) "Fortress of Amerikkka". In spite of the spelling of that name, this isn't a Nazisploitation film, nor is the organization at all affiliated with racist ideology. No, apparently somebody (probably in Troma's bargain-basement marketing department) just kind of liked the name. Regardless of who thought it up, the name isn't even the stupidest thing about this cult of yahoos. Eric Louzil, who has the albatross of being credited as both Writer and Director of this turkey hanging around his fat neck, would have us believe that this is a super-secret, possibly government-affiliated militia that is much more of an equal-opportunity employer than most organizations who have three K's in their name. Blacks, Asians, Hispanics, Honkeys, men, women, teenagers... I'm thinking that if a Sasquatch had applied they'd give the guy an M-16 just for the asking. These douche-bags are, in fact, so super-secret that anybody who stumbles across their camp (hardly a "fortress") or training ground, innocent or not, is sure to get killed by this cracked team of commandoes. Yes, to ensure that nobody, but nobody finds out that there is such a thing as a "Fortress of Amerikkka" in the hills, these geeks kill whomever they find in the hills, carve the words "Fortress of Amerikkka" into their flesh and then leave them there. And to think they're eventually discovered. Whoa! Even cops as dense as the clowns in this picture can't miss a clue like that. That would be like me stealing a whole fuckload of DVDs from the local FYE and leaving a note that says "Look for the review on WorldsGreatestCritic.com!" Another clod who could do without being found is recent parolee John Whitecloud ("played" by wooden Gene LeBrock) who has returned to Tromaville (not kidding) to find his girlfriend Jennifer (Kellee Bradley, possibly the only actress not to grant us with any nudity) engaged to another dumbass and his brother dead at the hands of the local, wooden Sheriff (non-actor David Crane). Needless to say he's not having a very good day. Luckily for him, he gets laid almost immediately with one of the many women in town who don't have a "no nudity" clause in their contracts. What do these two plotlines have to do with each other? A big, crusty bowl full of spiced nothin'... they just happen to collide when its convenient for them to (which seems to be at some arbitrary target sometime before the closing credits). To make matters both hotter and more convoluted a trio of campers, consisting of Sweet Kascha herself (here playing "Elizabeth"), along with her boyfriend and their mutual friend Leslie (the voluptuous, bikini-clad Karen Michaels). Elizabeth's plan for camping in the mountains appears to be to engage in some low-impact aerobics wearing nothing but a white thong so tiny it might fit Smurfette. Leslie's is to offer Elizabeth some private, alone time with her boyfriend. Luckily Elizabeth refuses, insisting that they want to have her there... though even in the uncut version we never get to see what Elizabeth had in mind. So, to recap, there is an ultraviolent, non-racist militia who keeps their existence a secret by killing trespassers and leaving helpful clues to their existence on them; A Native American convict is on a mission to win back his girlfriend and to kill the Sheriff; The Sheriff wants to kill that guy; Two Huge-Breasted campers and the luckiest guy in the West have trespassed on the Militia's land. When these super-silly subplots collide, it's going to be the shit storm of all time (or, at least, the shit storm of an hour and forty minutes). It's also interesting to note that once we get a good look inside of the "Fortress of Amerikkka" we discover it too is packed with beautiful women who are all too ready to doff their cammies for some in-the-buff liberty. Amazingly, this is not a comedy. The plot and story threads are essentially little more than filler-material between nude scenes, which makes the fact that this ever aired on USA Up All Night two hundred twenty volts of shocking. The lame attempts at drama are hilarious, the romantic moments forced and unconvincing and the patriotic asides so sanctimonious and laughable they borderline on desecration. Seriously, when a man says to his fellow-escapee girlfriend "If you liked the way that Mercenary touched you, that's your right as an American Citizen!", it's hard not to either laugh or grit your teeth uncomfortably. I'd have been like "If some jackass touches your sculpted body again, he's gonna need a militia to survive what I'd do to him. 'Fortress of Amerikkka' my dick! More like 'Fortress of a Bicicle Seat up his ASS when I get through with him'! I'll take my shoe off up that muh-fuh's ass! Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit!" "Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit!" All this barely even hints at the incredibly lame effects and stupifying directing. The whole movie is a wash, worth watching only for all the wrong reasons (though they feel so right at the time). Though I'll admit that there are many, many better reasons to be "Up All Night", one still has to salute Lisa Star, Karen Michaels, Alison LePriol and Kellee Bradley... and seeing as how many of these ladies are hard to find elsewhere (with the unquestionable exception of Alison "Kascha" LePriol), Fortress of Amerikkka will remain a video draw. And, without question Fortress of Amerikkka will also remain a DOG!!! This is unquestionably one of the worst films ever made (though it's still a leap and a bound better than Corpses Are Forever). At least Eric Louzil realized his movie sucked like a Pulsar, so he packed it with the necessary elements to make it watchable. One must wonder, however, why this film should even be bothered with. Like I said... there are better reasons to be Up All Night. See you in the Nekskskst Reel.