The Bizarre Bazaar of 2011...
By J.C. Maçek III
We've talked about the Good Parts of 2011 and we've talked about the Bad Parts of 2011 and now's the time on WorldsGreatestCritic.com where we talk about the SILLY!
Yes, Yes, folks, 2011 was must assuredly SILLY! How silly??? Well, you know how sometimes you're just sitting around thinking about U.S. Acres? If you responded with "Invariably!", then you have a Kindred in ME, my friend! In both the Comic and the Cartoon, the Duck who is totally afraid of swimming and only ever goes into the shallow end of the pond... is named "Wade"! WADE! Now THAT is Silly! He's even wearing a little duck-shaped inflatable life preserver. Every time I think about that, I'm laughing.
Yep. 2011 is THAT silly!
What's more, 2011 went a hell of a stone's throw beyond merely silly and into the realm of the inexplicable. Beyond that, even, into the Incomprehensible... and beyond that into the total and complete "WHAT THE FLYING FEATHERED FUCK?" realm! It was as weird as getting to know someone new REAL well and then having them say "I'm from what you would call 'The Future'!" It was as oddball as a Dennis Kucinich and Sam Donaldson hair-off! It was as surreal as the original members (both living and dead) of Pink Floyd performing an audience-free concert in The TARDIS!It was as strange as a Salad Shooter filled with Jell-o! It was as off-the-wall as that picture of the Mona Lisa with a Mustache... if, you know... it fell off the wall or something.
Wait, Wait, there's more... remember when you were a kid and your grandma or old-ass lady relative of SOME kind would have this big bag of candy that was probably started somewhere around the great depression or, fucking, reconstruction or something, and somewhere along the way all the candies in that bag started to stick together and coalesce into a solid form that she would then PRY individual red candies from and there would be this crust of white sugar that had seeped out to form a white matter shield all around it? And, like, although you could really GO for some candy right about then, there was no way in heaven, hell, heck or LIMBO you would be eating one of those, first because you're not sure it started out as Candy or if it maybe began life as a Sucrets or something, second because it's bleeding solid sugar and you're pretty sure that the fact that Ants haven't gotten to it really means something about its nutritional content or lack thereof and third because it might be alive? Well, imagine that red matter, that has bonded together within that crusty white guard matter genuinely formulated into the brain of a fast-learning life-form. Like, really, a total BRAIN, man... alive and existing and conquering the world with its formerly sweet goodness turned a tainted, rancid evil that will eventually control every life on this planet? Imagine your first hint is that you are looking in the pantry for something else and an eerie yellow glow starts to emit from between the cracks of the now fused globules of candy-or-lozenge and no matter how you might try to warn your family, friends, dog and turtle, it's too late and you know you will all become slaves to the monstrous DECAY BRAIN!
Well, 2011 was a little bit weirder than that, as I shall soon demonstrate!
Following is a fuckload of the fucked up... and since "Ado" has long since sailed the seas of cheese, it's time for us to slip right on into "The Bizarre Bazaar of 2011"!!!
1. Alien 2 (1980) was released on Blu Ray:
I want... I fucking... I want to see the market research on this shit to find out how the fuck they figured there was a DEMAND for a Blu Fucking Ray release of the Pickled Shit Sandwich known as Alien 2, man!
Well, I mean, YEAH, I bought it, but... look, folks, Bad Movies are what I do, man! This is IT, folks, I don't dance! Holy fucking shit on the MOON!
Quick sidebar, for those of you unsure of what I'm talking about, (shame on you for not reading My Review of the damned thing), no I am NOT confusing this film for 1986's Aliens, Jim Cameron's canonical follow-up to the incredible classic Alien, the working title of which was, indeed, "Alien II". True, the Blu Ray for that film came out in March of 2011 also... but that's not this film.
No, I'm talking about director Ciro Ippolito's idiotic non-canonical Bad Italian Rip-Off Horror flick Alien 2: On Earth (aka: Alien 2: Sulla Terra, which sucks so hard it could gravitate an entire ICEBERG through a silly straw without taking a second breath.
Seriously, dudes and chicks, you need to read My Review of this thing. Go ahead, we'll wait!
This is so incredibly shocking for many, many reasons, not all of which are terribly obvious.
The fact that this was even released in any popular format is enough to prove that we can no longer be living in the real world but in some pseudo-realty thought up by a brain-monster made up of grandma's old lozenge candies. Seriously, a bad-Italian rip off of Alien that is primarily about... SPELUNKING? Really? A precognitive psychic spelunker is the main character! (It's okay, though... she has GREAT tits!)
The rest of the movie is padded out (lamely) by a turn-by-turn representation of people driving a car... followed by some other guys rowing in a boat (this is all dialogue-free, mind you) and then back to the first people bowling in a bowling alley (forever) and finally... climbing rocks inside a cave...
At some point, for good measure, Ciro threw in some Aliens, though they look less like the Xenomorphs from Alien than they do a cross between the Larva Baby from The Fly and the Jason mobile fetus from Jason Goes To Hell!
Adding to the mystery of this is the fact that it was actually released AS Alien 2! See, the original idea (as with all Bad Italian Rip-Offs) was to fool moviegoers and video renters into thinking this was, in fact, a real sequel to the 1979 Sci-Fi classic... however, in the good old US of A, where the makers might get SUED for both copyright infringement AND SLANDER, this fucking flick was released under the bullshit moniker of Alien Terror! And even that was harder than a viagra result to get one's hands on.
I, myself, had to buy my original DVD from a bootlegger who ripped it from a Japanese VHS copy... with Katakana Subtitles! Seriously, man!
But this is BLU RAY, folks, the highest definition video one can get to date... and Alien 2 has been released in this format. I am STILL shitting BRICKS about this!
Here's another surreal layer in the weirdness dip for you all to dig into... publisher Midnight Legacy has treated this thing like an INTERNATIONAL TREASURE, as opposed to the turd that it really is!
The back of the Blu Ray case actually reads as follows: "For our inaugural release, Midnight Legacy is proud to present the first-ever widescreen release of Alien 2 On Earth. The definitive version, transferred from the original 35mm negative, which runs longer than any other version seen throughout the world. The presentation that finally represents the intended vision of Alien 2."
Did I just actually READ that shit? Where do I begin? An upstart company chose THIS movie, Alien 2 for its "inaugural release"? What the hell have you chosen for release number two, fucking Bloodeaters? Will you even GET to your sophomore offering? "Definitive version"? Did you really say that shit? And since when is the fact that ANY version of Alien 2 "runs longer" a selling point? Most people I've shown it to have been done with it before the preview was over! "The Intended Vision of Alien 2"? What the hell? Is Ciro Ippolito a "VISIONARY" now? Not to mention, really, Midnight Legacy, really, you're "Proud to Present" Alien 2? Really? Piss... up... a... ROPE, man! The only way to read that is ironically, or by picturing them laughing their asses off while they say it all!
The funniest part of this whole thing is pretty much at my expense, though, considering the fact that not only did I pay good money to buy this thing twice (once on Blu Ray for Fuck's Sake) but that a little research uncovers that one of the guys behind Midnight Legacy is actually one of the guys from fucking European Trash Cinema, where I bought my Japanese Subtitled VHS rip from.
That's right... I actually paid the same fuckers for this crap twice... and the second time, I'm betting Ciro got a cut. Fuck, man, fuck!
And this is Blu Ray, man, the highest definition picture and sound currently available... and Alien 2 has been released in that format. While enhancing the picture and sound of a movie packed with bad cinematography and stock footage into the realm of "Hi-Def" usually stands as a disservice to a movie like this, I will say that the improved visuals did make the picture clear enough that I could tell what city this was filmed in... Mine. Yes, Alien 2 the abomination, was filmed right here in shining San Diego, California! And in SOME cases, just a few blocks form where I live (albeit a good 30 years before I moved here).
If nothing else, Alien 2's preservation on Blu Ray serves as a wonderful time capsule of the San Diego that was. The Chamber of Commerce, City Council and Tourism board should hold up Blu Rays of Alien 2 as a glittering example of how much better Downtown San Diego has gotten since this goober was shot here. "As you can see, gentrification has worked wonders and Downtown is no longer the cesspool it once was. After all, we would NEVER let a douchebag like Ciro Ippolito make a movie downtown anymore. Look how far we've come now, baby!"
Hah! "Alien 2 on Blu Ray." I can't believe I'm even typing that, man! The novelty of this ALONE is worth the price of the disc!
2. "Snooki"... wrote a book.:
"Snooki", nee Nicole Polizzi, the diminutive, huge-boobed, orange skinned "star" of MTV brain drain waste of time Jersey Shore (mind you, before showing any specific interest in or ability to READ) published her first book in January of 2011.
A book... she actually... wrote... apparently when not shoving her ass in small freezers and mumbling that she has "to poop".
What's more, this is not some silly TMZ-transcribed "Celebrity Tell-All"... no, apparently, and unbelievably, A Shore Thing, as her book is called, is a NOVEL! An actual fictional, made up story with a PLOT, characters and even a denouement! I shit you not.
Oh, sure, it's a novel about "Giovanna 'Gia' Spumanti", sunburned Smurf with a poofy hairstyle who parties and sleeps around throughout the Jersey Shore... just... like "Nicole 'Snooki' Polizzi", but a book's a book, a novel's a novel and from now until our society crumbles under the hot laser death rays of our mutant Alien successors, Snooki will be able to legally, literally and un-ironically be known as "New York Times Best-Selling Author Nicole Polizzi"!
Suck on that, aspiring authors... Snooki published a book and YOU DIDN'T!!! And neither did I.
Snooki, man... from the Jersey Shore... wrote and published a book... and enough people read... PAID to read it for it to climb the New York Times Bestsellers list! I shit you not! This world couldn't get any weirder if, oh, I don't know, Alien 2 was released on Blu Ray or Herman Cain became a Republican Presidential Front-running Candidate or something.
You ready for more, True Believers? A Shore Thing can now officially and literally be called Snooki's FIRST book, as opposed to Snooki's ONLY book! That's right, in October of 2011, Snooki's second book, Confessions of a Guidette (pronounced as a feminine version of "Guido", as opposed to, say, a female tour guide). For those of you who picked up Snooki's first book and were filled with tragic disappointment to find it was a novel about people you don't watch on MTV as opposed to an insider's look at "Juiceheads", fake tans, "Guidos", hairspray, "Situations", "Friggin' Owning it", Alcohol and Dog's Butts, bronzers, "Rockin' it Jersey Style" and more Hairspray... your shit-ship has, at long last come in because Confessions of a Guidette IS the book you've been looking for.
So for those of you keeping score at home... books published by J.C. Maçek III: 0. Books published by the pint-sized, big-tittied breakout celebrity from a trashy MTV show: 2.
Make that two... to date... Because... WAIT... THERE'S MORE!!! Because her third book, a sequel to A Shore Thing is already complete! Yes, Yes, folks, just in time for my Dad's Birthday, Gorilla Beach is set to be released on May 15, 2012.
Once again, Books by Snooki: 3 (so far). Books by me? GOOSE EGG, man!
Yes, folks, that score again is Three - Love, Snooki!
And if you needed any more proof that the world is doomed and our civilization is slowly seeping back to HELL, books from someone named JWOWW , the aforementioned "The Situation" and even, God help us, Kim Kardashian (along with Kourtney and Khloe) are all now available and headed fast to your local Barnes and Noble close-out aisle for a brief appearance before collecting dust in the Crown Books liquidator around the corner.
This is all great news... for people looking for something light to put under that one shaky table leg. It's bargain priced and you won't mind if you fuck up the cover one single bit.
3. Harold Camping and the 2011 END OF THE WORLD:
And it was totally true, I'm thinking, considering the fact that we're now looking at Herman Cain commercials and Snooki books, so we must all be in Hell, right?
But, wait... let's back up a few years. Harold Camping previously predicted that the world would end, we'd hit the rapture, Jesus would return to Earth and we'd all LITERALLY AND PHYSICALLY fly up to heaven (like an army of love dolls filled with helium) on May 21, 1988... and we all know how well that worked out, don't we?
Campy-ass Camping did too, considering the fact that in 1992 he wrote a lame book called 1994? (note the question mark) which claimed that the Rapture and World's end MIGHT happen on September 6, 1994. In the same book he stated (and I quote) "the possibility does exist that I could be wrong." Yeah. No shit.
Hedging his bets, Camping claimed (in that same stupid book) that the end of the world MIGHT take place in 2011.
And man was he ever right. Well, his own world sure ended, at least.
Over the next several years, "Rold Gold" revised and perfected his biblical calculations (based on the date of Genesis - according to Camping - the great flood - according to Camping - and the Crucifixion - yeah, according to Camping - amongst other things as his guide) to reflect the unassailable date of May 21st, 2011 as the Rapture date and October 21st, 2011 as the final End Time.
He left out the qualifying "Question Mark" this time. The man was SURE. And because, somehow, after numerous incorrect predictions in the past, he and his Family Radio network still had a whole gaggle of misled followers, a lot of poor souls totally believed the man, too!
That's right... lots of people sold their homes, quit their jobs, gave gobs of money to Family Radio to publicize the truth about the endtimes (thus saving SOULS, you see) and stood around on street corners with signs, just waiting for May 21 to roll around so they could slough off their mortal clothes and fly up high, way up in the sky, all nekkid, to be with Jesus (who would probably say "Look, could you, um, put this on, please? Just... yeah... just put it on... thanks!").
And to the utmost shock and surprise of absolutely NO SANE PERSON WHATSOEVER, May 21st came and went with ABSOLUTELY NOTHING HAPPENING WHATSOEVER... save a bunch of misled, newly nudist (in some cases) followers being left, humiliated, on their lawns with both arms raised up to the sky, looking almost as stupid as Snooki... and Harold Camping.
Yes, the man was wrong again, in spite of saying that he didn't "Think It", he KNEW IT, (and I quote) "beyond the shadow of a doubt"! To be perfectly clear, though, what he claimed would happen on May 21st was that the Rapture would begin and "God's Elect People" would be raised to Heaven, leaving the rest of us poor Shmoes to wait out the next five months, probably on our varied ways to Hell. So, I have to wonder... when Midnight, the morning of May 22nd reered its ugly head, did Harold Camping look down at himself and his family, realize they were all still clothed and Earthbound, shake his head and say "Wait, you mean God really DOESN'T like us???"
I imagine Osama had just about the same look on his puss when he found himself burning in Hell.
Camping, for his part, put off interviews for a day (to work on his story), only to claim on May 23rd that he was "Flabbergasted" and "looking for answers"... and maybe that 1994 question mark again.
God Bless him, he was STILL undaunted, claiming that the Judgment DID happen, but invisibly and the world was STILL ending on October 21st. This is in spite of his admission that he "didn't understand the spiritual meaning". Or, you know, hey, you FUCKED UP BEYOND BELIEF.
Oh, one more thing... he added that he wasn't giving any of the money back. "We're not at the end. Why would we return it?" So... um... he's going to return it... In Heaven, then, once we're at the End? Are we going to even NEED money in Heaven? I hope not. Can you imagine that? You're in Heaven, but you STILL HAVE BILL COLLECTORS COMING TO FUCK WITH YOU? That makes it sound almost like... well, the other place.
And... though he stuck to his story, he still didn't give back the money, and started getting quieter and quieter on the subject. In his defense, a month after the lack-of-an-end-of-the-world "happened", the man had a stroke... which tends to put one's faith in perspective, I'd say. When October 21st came and went without a final end (by this time he was revising things to sound more like "probably", "maybe" "no big display of any kind [to the end of everything we've ever known]") he had no comment.
Yeah, well, this has something to do with the fact that this man of God finally started saying (a lot more quietly, and without Billboards to back it up) that no one has the power to know when the Rapture is coming. You... you THINK? I mean, the Bible did guarantee ONE thing about that. "The Day of the Lord will come as a Thief in the Night!" The whole point was to always be prepared.
So what's the legacy of this Doomsday Preacher, this Prophet of Disaster who made his dubious name with scare tactics meant to convert people to Christianity because the end of the world is at hand? Well, the man sure did help to create a whole fuckload of Atheists. As a devout Christian myself (yes, it's true, don't mock it), all I can say is THANKS A LOT, Camp-Man! You've converted people OUT of the faith and made moderate (and thinking) Christians like me look SILLY by Association, all because YOU FORGOT TO CARRY THE 1???
Fuck you, Harold Camping, Fuck you!
And besides... Believing the End of the World would happen in 2011 is a Dick Move anyway... anybody who has paid shit's worth of attention to the Mayan Calendar knows the world is ending in 2012. Get with the PROGRAM, H.C.!!!
4. The Herman Cain Campaign... Every Last Motherfucking BIT of it! :
But you know what was great about 2008? Barack Obama, the first President from my own Generation and, incidentally, our first ever African American President! That's not to mention the fact that he's doing pretty damned well, haters-be-damned.
For a short time in 2011, it looked like come hell or high water the president for the NEXT four years would most definitely be a black man... either Barack himself... or Herman... Fucking... Cain.
Sure Herman Cain is a very well-educated and accomplished businessman, author, activist, columnist, banker, burger mogul, pizza chairman and snappy singer of commercially and somewhat insultingly revised John Lennon songs.
But as a Politician, Herman Cain sure made one hell of a Pizza Man!
From the first moment not even the most legitimate or the most GOP-friendly of media organizations could figure out if Cain was joking about the whole whacked out campaign! Honestly, looking back on it, it's still hard to tell what the hell he was going for... unless it was to make Donald Trump's stupid and short-lived campaign look more serious by comparison!
If you want to take a hike down memory trail and grasp the very essence of the Herman Cain campaign by the pubes, you need look no further than... his campaign ads.
Campaign ads that seem like something out of an all-politics spoof episode of Saturday Night Live!
Take a look at that first one up there... For those without the time or interest to waste clicking all the way over to YouTube, that's Cain's (now former) Chief of Staff Mark Block who passionately talks in fluent hyperbole about how much be believes in Herman Cain... before taking a big drag of his stogie and blowing the smoke right at the camera.
Yes, he takes a hit from his cigarette, looking like those old "Smoking is Very Glamorous" anti-smoking ads and blows it right in your face. An old friend of mine used to say "If you blow smoke in someone's face, either you hate 'em... or you want to fuck 'em!" In Mark Block's case, I'm thinking both! Then when the screen fills up with Cain's grim visage slowly, surely turning into a knowing smile that either says "I know something you don't know!", "I'm just kidding about this whole stupid campaign!" or "I hate you and I want to fuck you!"
Then came another ad known as "He Carried Yellow Flowers", which makes Mark Block's "Now is the Time for Action [and me blowing smoke in your face, bitchez]" ad look as plain, normal and boring as a pre-viagra Bob Dole spot shown during Family Ties, man!
Because Mark Block, let's face it, can't act, this ad centers around actual actor Nick Searcy. Yeah... that's right... "THE" Nick Searcy.
I never heard of him either.
But watch the ad over there... you've seen him... in bit parts... steadily... for the last thirty years or so... yep. Respectable acting career if never a star was he. Except in this commercial, where he claims to be "International Film and Television Star Nick Searcy". Hey, it sounds better than "You might have seen me way over in the corner in an uncredited role on some syndicated show at some point in your life." But, hey, in a world where Snooki can be a New York Times Bestselling Author, sure, sure, why not, Nick Searcy is a "Star".
Of course, he doesn't make this claim until two minutes of the three minute and forty-two second ad has elapsed. Most of the ad is an incredibly senseless and pointless semi-comical Western in which Searcy's nasty cowboy rides his horse to a small house, gets spat on by a black "card carrying liberal" and attempts to give yellow flowers to a fair maiden inside.
And when the Director of this Film-Within-A-Political-Spot yells cut, Searcy does what anybody in his position would do... he treats everyone around him like shit, acts like a total bag of dicks and, once he's endeared to you and you're totally identifying with him, he gives his Testimonial about Herman Cain.
Now, again, for those of you not bothering with the Ad, I'll make it real easy for you... yeah, this is a tongue-in-cheek joke. It just doesn't work and isn't funny. See, a Testimonial (or Celebrity Branding) works because a public figure that you like or want to emulate is selling you a product, in this case, a political figure, and his or her celebrity and likeability is what causes you to trust this person's opinion and more likely go for what they're being paid to pitch to you.
So, what, is this a SPOOF? Probably. After all, nobody's ever heard of Nick Searcy (and if you question that fact, check out his website, the big news on which is the fact that he was in a Herman Cain Ad). If the novelty of having a non-celebrity at the center of some inexplicable celebrity branding isn't enough, as Nick walks from the set to the Camera to talk about Herman Cain, he insults and/ or threatens and/ or condescends to three women. Really. He pushes one around, threatens her job, calls the next one "babe" then insults the intelligence of the third, before giving that self-aggrandizing aforementioned self-introduction.
The thing is, though, Searcy then starts to give a REAL and Sincere testimonial for Cain, talking about how "Real" Cain is (while Searcy's body double engages in a fist fight behind him) and discusses reasons people should unite behind the candidate... that's after almost three minutes of nonsense and dickisness! He then goes back to his fake movie and proceeds to act like a dick to everybody all over again. This is, of course, again followed by twenty seconds of Herman Cain slowly giving that strange, creepy smile (implying, by transfer, that Nick Searcy also hates and wants to fuck you, cigarette or no cigarette).
The key to all of this surreal idiocy is back in the Mark Block ad where he says "We've run a campaign like nobody's ever seen, but, then, nobody's ever seen a candidate like Herman Cain!" We get it... you're running an unconventional campaign for an unconventional candidate. But not even the MOST jaded, intravenous irony using hipster out there would fall for something like this, would they? I mean, the cigarette smoke ad is one thing, maybe that's just edgy, but a scattershot character actor saying things like "You LIKE your Job?" and "Yeah, like you KNOW anything!" to working people? Is that supposed to get you to care about ANYTHING he has to say, especially when it's about his guy creating real jobs? Worst of all, this is an ad that misses its own point. Nick Searcy is a tough guy in movies, but that doesn't make him a tough guy in real life, right? Just like (according to this ad) Barack Obama isn't a "real" leader, he's just a glorified community organizer. The problem is that Nick Searcy is an even BIGGER asshole once the fakery of the movie set has been yelled "CUT!" on. So the point is, what? Vote for Herman Cain, the Candidate of Shitheads? Or are they REALLY pumping up the META in the Metafiction here and saying "Nick Searcy is an EVEN bigger dickhead off set than he appears to be ON set. So if you think Herman Cain can run a Pizza Chain in his day job, just WAIT until you see him run a whole NATION!"
We get it... it's just not funny, nor does it work.
Or did it? Did it work?
Well, aside from the fact that now people actually know who "Nick Searcy" is, even if nobody likes him now, the truly shocking part about this whole thing is that these two insane commercials were released just before Herman Cain hit his absolute PRIME in the Republican Race. Yes, I shit you not... Herman Cain became the LITERAL FRONTRUNNER right after these twin ads of chaos were released. Oh, sure, political analysts will tell you that it was actually Cain's (equally senseless) 9-9-9 tax plan that propelled him to the front, but that's not really the whole story, is it, True Believers? The fact is, ads like these caused Herman Cain to be talked about... in the same way ANY viral video is talked about. Sure they may not have worked in the usual way, but, hey, does anybody out there remember anything political that "Chocolate Rain" kid was singing about? Would you even have noticed if "Sneezing Panda" or "Dramatic Chipmunk" had a lawn sign for some politician in the background? If "Numa Numa" had a T-Shirt on that read "I Lie to Girls" would THAT be what was mentioned around the water cooler? No... the point is that THE ADS were talked about... and a lot of people who didn't even see them heard "Herman Cain, Herman Cain, Herman Cain" over and over again... and started paying attention.
Amazing, isn't it? In fact, after allegations of Sexual Misconduct popped up, his poll numbers actually INCREASED (don't scoff, so did Bill Clinton's)! The Cain Mutiny didn't even SLOW DOWN until a third woman came forward saying he wanted to fuck her (without mentioning if he hated her or was smoking cigarettes). That and his practically George W. Bushian ignorance of foreign policy managed to sink the once-unassailable Pizza Magnate.
And now, he's long since left the race, leaving memories of a shamble of a PR blitz with misguided messages and surreal, yet entertaining flubs.
Perhaps Cain should have stuck to Pizza Commercials and Yoko-Slapping!
Alas, before I use up my bandwidth quota on this article fragment alone, might I add one more thing? At least Nick Searcy will no longer be "third uncredited actor on the left", but can now forever more be asked "Hey, aren't you that one ASSHOLE from the Herman Cain ad?"
And he can wipe a single tear from one eye, smile and proudly say "Yes, I was that Asshole! That Asshole was me!"
5. "The Donald" pretends to run for President... to promote The Apprentice:
Well, except for Cain and Romney... and... Gingrich... and... Santorum... and... Bachman... and... Paul, Huntsman and Perry, okay, I give up!!! Look, when you're dealing with any slate of GOP Candidates, you've got to do a few rounds of rock paper scissors just to arbitrarily name the candidate least clownish under the big top... riding the Elephant... to comedy GOLD!
I would say Trump "Threw his Hat in the Ring", but dude, can you picture a Hat that can fit over that fucked up coif of his, man? Look at that thing! Dan'l Boone wants his Fox Cap back, man!
Like Cain's campaign, Trumps bounded between bullshit and "oh, man, is he serious?" Unlike Cain, he had to rely on his own celebrity being unacquainted with the great, great Nick Searcy.
While Trump was scattershot all over the polls, occasionally showing him within a few points of Barack Obama and occasionally falling behind the Juggernaut of Ron Paul (which, by the way, put him at sixth place... among Republicans alone). Time Magazine celebrated his campaign kick-off with the words "Donald Trump Begins Not Running For President". Meanwhile, Trump was making such half-assed claims in the media that he is "a Presbyterian within the Protestant group". What the fuck? If you look up "Redundant" in Trump's dictionary, does it say "See 'Redundant'"? Is this Pandering or is he that confused? That's like saying "I'm Californian... within that... you know... American Country." I guess he had to differentiate himself from the whole Papist, Muslim and Jewish sects of Presbyterianism, right? Can't blame the guy for a little confusion, though... other reports claim he actually is Catholic. Hey, Donald... "I'm Not Catholic!" pretty much makes you sound like a Catholic. I actually AM Catholic, so trust me, I know.
Could this fall into the category of "there's no such thing as bad press"? Pretty damned much, man. See, Trump's stupid Reality show The Apprentice could only be better served by showing its evil CEO "Character" known as "The Donald", who loves to fire people, becoming the evil President who loves to Bomb other countries.
So, the Trumpenator played the game, making stupid comments like that Religion thing and tried to prove that the Rumor that he hadn't voted for over two decades was actually a big, fat silo of Bullshit (the city election board disagrees) and even bowing out of certain public appearances, in theory due to the Equal Time rule.
That's not even to mention that he attempted to "prove" his seriousness by embracing the idiotic and "you CAN'T be Serious" Birther movement, claiming that President Barack Obama was not born in the United States and his presidency is therefore illegal. Uh-huh! Look how well that worked for Rick Perry!!!
But then, abruptly, Trump announced that he would NOT be running for President on May 16, 2011.
So that's it, then. No... no, WAIT... on May 23, 2011 he recanted that, stating that he hadn't ruled out running for President. May 23? May 23... now where have I heard that date before? OH YEAH! That's the day, smilin' Harold Camping broke his silence after the Rapture didn't take us all on May 21st.
Holy shit! Maybe Trump is neither Catholic, NOR that unique and special "Protestant" branch of Presbyterianism. Maybe he was part of Harold Camping's flock! Maybe he was listening to Family Radio and "Shit Got Real" on the sixteenth, he realized, you know, FUCK the Presidency, I'm going to HEAVEN! Then when May 21 came and went without Trump rising with his hair, but without his clothes into the great hereafter, he was crestfallen. Could his "Firing" all of those contestants have prevented his Salvation and Ascension up to the Promised Land... Nekkid?
I picture him sitting there, still GLUED to Family Radio, not daring to speak publically until he heard from the great, great Disaster Pastor, then once the Hairy Camper broke his silence, "The Donald" figured, "Well, damn... if I can't go to Heaven... maybe I'll just be President... I guess."
And he did.
Yo, man... that's WEIRD!!!
6. Speaking of which... The Birther Movement :
Indeed the do... indeed they do.
Just when we thought it was only toothless Appalachian meth cookers, Fox News anchors and Joe the Plumber's lessers.
But, no, now people BESIDES the dregs of society are still talking about it? Why? Because they want idiots like the toothless Appalachian Meth Chefs, Fox News dicks and Joe the Plumber's apprentices to vote for them! Yeah, now lying liars like Donald Trump and fucking Rick Perry both tried to stoke their candidacies by spreading an already disproven fib started by the brain-dead. Both failed miserably.
See, the story (packed with more bullshit than Jason Goes to Hell - almost) goes a little something like this: Barack Obama was not born in Hawaii like he claimed he was and was, instead, born in Kenya, thus making him ineligible for the Presidency.
I'm really glad that a bunch of dumbshit pickup truck driving Red State conservatives uncovered this vast Left Wing conspiracy. I mean, you know, that's not, like, THE FIRST THING they check on is fucking ELIGIBILITY. You know, "THEY" meaning the UNITED STATES GOVERNMENT? A bunch of redneck conspiracy theorists have it all over the US Government. Kick ASS. Yeah, there go your Tax Dollars.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey Stupid... you can't become the freakin' POSTMASTER GENERAL without your birth certificate. Yeah, they check that shit before you can register to RUN for President you douches.
The real pain in the dick here is that, yes, yes, in spite of all those claims that he's REFUSING to release his birth certificate, he did release it... multiple times, including during his Presidential Run five months before the election.
And people still bitched. Figuring the State of Hawaii was incredibly easily DUPED, they demanded the LONG form birth certificate. So why WON'T he release it?
Guess what, dick holes, he did just that on April 27, 2011. Yes, during the time that Donald Trump was claiming he was refusing to release it. Note... that's not AFTER Trump claimed he refused to release it, Trump was STILL CLAIMING THIS after it was released. Rick Perry didn't even START claiming the whole Birther Bullshit until a few months AFTER the White House released the damned thing. Douchey Newt Gingrich even hinted about that very thing in September of 2011! FIVE MONTHS AFTER THE BIRTH CERTIFICATE WAS RELEASED.
It's not like we have more important things than dispelling ridiculous conspiracy theories, right? For fuck's sake! What's next? Are we going to waste time on the Kennedy Assassination? How about the some fucking UFO Conspiracy theories, too? We've got time, right? Shall we dick around about Watergate? El Chupacabra? Bigfoot, maybe?
Don't like him? Don't vote for him... but this shit? Get a FUCKING life you fucking dumbshit losers!
7. Cars 2 (2011):
Now days that's called "Historical Fiction" and Sci-Fi/ Fantasy writers like Harry Turtledove make millions of dollars writing crap like that whereas I... got a C-! But that could, partially, be less due to my performance and more because of the choice I made and the hidden subtext I never intended.
See, I wanted to retell the story of "The Trojan Horse" but with my own "Comical" spin. See, I thought it would be both brilliant and hilarious to replace the big wooden horse with the funniest prop I could think of (that was also an animal)... namely... the Rubber Chicken! Yes, boys and girls, I turned in an assignment in the sixth grade called "The Trojan Rubber Chicken". And it had diagrams and a whole strange story behind it and everything. I thought that would be funny. And it was, kind of, but not for the reasons I thought it would.
See, I was in the sixth grade and I completely missed the point that my ambitions homework contained, in HUGE LETTERS, the words "Trojan Rubber" right there in the title. Worse, the story (which you history buffs and casual observers already know) was all about said rubber breaking open so that a whole lot of little men could ejaculate forth and ruin lives. Yes, folks, it's safe to say that I COMPLETELY missed the point of my own work. However, I was a sixth grader.
Much like my assignment from a quarter century ago (has it been that fucking long?), Cars 2 wasn't really all THAT bad... but just like "The Trojan Rubber Chicken", this film completely missed its own point.
Cars was a very great movie about a group of living automobiles in a tiny town on Route 66 and the one super-fast car who learns to finally slow down, appreciate the beautiful things in life and find the joys of living outside of the spotlight. It was about recapturing the American Dream, stopping to smell the roses and finding yourself in the company of good friends instead of a world on the go.
Cars 2 is about the simplest of these small town folk accidentally becoming an international super-spy, leaving his friends behind, becoming famous and basking in the glow and globe trotting.
Did you not watch your own movie, John Lasseter before you made this one? Could your new status as "Chief Creative Officer" of both Pixar and Walt Disney Animation Studios (so awarded AFTER Cars was completed and released in 2006) made you just a LITTLE BIT too big for your britches, there, bud?
So you were thinking that sending Larry the Cable Guy's Mater character to Japan, entering HIM into races, making him more famous than Lightening McQueen (and, probably, Harry Turtledove) and giving him a pimped-ride makeover was a good idea? Yeah? Pixar thought the same thing in 2008 when they released the short Tokyo Mater, which shares so many elements with the full-length sequel that I couldn't help but be reminded of those Coke Zero ads where Coke tries to SUE ITSELF FOR COPYRIGHT INFRINGEMENT. The big difference between Tokyo Mater and Cars 2 is that in Tokyo Mater they had the good sense to make the ridiculous proceedings nothing more than a fantasy on Mater's part and had the presence of mind to make the story a SHORT FILM rather than trying to pack in zany subplots and film-padding. And, while I would say that it's a major difference that Disney/ Pixar ripped a plot off, at least this time they ripped themselves off... Cars, as cool as it was, happened to be a blatant rip-off of the plot of Doc Hollywood!
Yeah, sure, Cars 2 was all right... but here's the thing... up UNTIL Cars 2, Pixar had never made a film that wasn't EXCELLENT on almost every level. Cars 2 seems more akin to the Pixar Rip-Off brands out there trying desperatelyto hit CGI gold. As I've said a million times, it's not the beauty of the animation that makes Pixar films so great... it's the storytelling... and Cars 2 didn't win that race.
Mostly, this is due to the fact that they missed their own point and undid virtually everything the first film worked so hard to do so brilliantly. A rare near-miss for Pixar. Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got some Historical Fiction to write. I'll try to leave out the accidental Dick Jokes.
8. Scream 4 flopped! (And so did Fright Night):
Alas, Alack, that wasn't the case, kids... Opening weekend numbers for "Scr4m" were disappointing and came in well-under industry expectations. In comparison to a budget of $40,000,000 Scream 4 raked in $38,180,928. In short, it didn't make its money back. Luckily, worldwide grosses added another 59 million bucks to bring the global take to a little below the 100 million mark. But, still, this is the much anticipated next entry into the SCREAM franchise! It should have been raking in the dough.
Oh, but it used the same tired, old formula as the other Scream flicks, right?
Who gives a bloody dick? Scream was always a half-send-up of the genre anyway and the latest entry was no different as they came up with new, 2011-oriented meta jokes about the genre. And, let me tell you, folks, anybody who paid for a ticket to see the idiotic Friday the 13th remake, the snooze-worthy A Nightmare on Elm Street remake or anything that even vaguely bares the name or influence of Michael Bay has absolutely NO BUSINESS bitching about reused formulae!
And, folks, as much as I deplore Bad Horror Remakes, it's noteworthy when a horror remake comes out that is actually pretty good... and twice as noteworthy when said "pretty good" remake all bud dies on the vine. Thus, when 2011's Fright Night strutted and fretted its hour at the box office, I have to admit, I was entertained... as were most of the miniscule number of other moviegoers who bought tickets.
Setting aside comparisons to Fright Night, this suburban Vampire comical thriller neither tried to redo or outdo the original, instead building upon the cool ideas and making a good-ass film experience... that a few people got to see. Fright Night opened at sixth place at the box office (taking in less than half of Scream 4's opening weekend) and finished with just over 18 million bucks... against a thirty million dollar budget. But what about all of those ever-precious foreign box-office numbers? Good point... they totaled... just over 18 million bucks also for a total of just over 37 million bucks. Now, assuming they spent less than 7 million bucks on advertising (and judging from the awareness of this film... seven million was about ten ceilings away).
Yeah, it would seem that they weren't even trying.
Look, I realize that neither film is Shakespeare, or even Hitchcock, Scorsese or... or, hell, Lucas, but in a cinemascape packed with some of the stupidest movies ever spewed onto the drab-gray screen splashing out are just oozing out of the "Horror" genre (I mean, seriously - Human Centipede? The Roommate? The Unborn?) how in the name of Timothy Fuck are the good (or even "decent") horror flicks like Scre4m, Fright Night and even (lord help me) The Thing (2011) passed up like yesterday's horse shit?
That... does not... make... sense! You deserve what you get, Moviegoing public. WTF??? HELLO!!! Fuck you!
9. Resident Evil: The Mercenaries 3D and Capcom's new strategy to piss off its customers and destroy the resale value of their games:
What the Hell? A sales guy at GameStop wants to talk me out of paying for a brand new video game? Aren't those guys usually a bit more... well, Mercenary?
What in the name of Pac-Man could possibly be SO wrong with a game (ANY Game) for something like that to happen? Isn't that kind of like a cop talking you OUT of accepting a speeding ticket? Well, it turns out that Capcom, the makers of this (and every other Res Evil game) decided to get cute, hedge their bets and maximize profits. Now, as you could figure out by the fact that GameStop employees are talking people out of buying the damned thing, that didn't work out quite the way they planned.
See, in a bid to get gamers to buy only new copies of the game and not those all-popular "Pre-Owned" cartridges, Capcom has prevented players from deleting their save data. Games are automatically saved and saved data cannot be reset.
So, players have to play through, accumulate all of their unlocks and scores... and they stay there.
Still so what?
It means you can't start the game over without all of the massive weapons and BFGs and wins and all that sort of thing. You can't just "play it again, Sam!"
But who wants to do that? I mean, admittedly, I'm not the biggest gamer, but when I'm playing the "Mercenaries" levels of Resident Evil 4 and Resident Evil 5, I work hard to find those extras and I sure as bombin' don't want to have to give them up. I want my BFGs to kill zombies with, dammit... why the hell would I want to roll back and just play with regular-ass Chris and Leon?
The thing is... that's not the point! The point is... you buy it, you play it till you're bored with it... and good luck selling it back to GameStop. Yes, folks, the choice is seen by the industry as a direct attack on the used games market because who the hell would want to start just where ever the hell the last guy left off?
Putting it into language that people even LESS into gaming than my dumb ass would understand, it would be kind of like being shown The Sixth Sense for the very first time, but no matter what you do, the movie starts EXACTLY at the point at which you discover that SPOILER WARNING Bruce Willis was a ghost.
Dick move? Dick move! Who the hell would want to buy a ticket to, say, The Matrix if you're immediately thrust to the middle part where SPOILER WARNING Keanu wakes up in the real world and finds out he's been living in a Republican-controlled simulation all his life. Or, you know, Titanic if SPOILER WARNING you immediately know the boat's gonna sink?
Might I say you wouldn't buy that damned thing? Might I add, rightly so.
What else? Well, how else, besides buying games, do gamers get to play them? Any clues? How about... RENTING them? Yeah, that's it... that's half of Blockbuster now (the half that's still in operation). Now, who in the name of God would want to rent a game that start's halfway through? Who is nobody, Alex?
Yeah, GameFly has listed the game as "Not Rentable". WorldsGreatestCritic.com responds with "NO SHIT!"
So, what else might this "One Time Use Code" impact? How about Capcom's bottom line (see GameStop talking us out of the purchase)? Capcom also has lost an ass load of credibility with this decision, considering their response to the controversy. When asked why they did it, their response was that it was not an intentional move to hurt the secondhand game market. Okay, but why DID they do it? It was not an intentional move to hurt the secondhand game market, they'll tell you that. Okay, we get it... but why DID Capcom perpetrate such a dick move? Well, it sure wasn't an intentional move to hur the secondhand game market.
Does everybody get it now? It seems pretty clear that this was a move by Capcom to hurt the secondhand game market.
And thus, Capcom and all of their beloved characters have uniformly given the big Middle Finger to all of their fans. Capcom executives are now reassuring fans that they'll NEVER do it again, which sounds like a significant other trying desperately to convince you they'll NEVER do that one horrible thing again.
Yeah, kids... have you ever flipped somebody off and then tried to take it back? It just doesn't work. How very... mercenary of you!
10. Twitter... still:
The point is, however, Twitter has been on the WTF list since 2009 hit the big time! What's next? Hell, on the 2010 list was that WorldsGreatestCritic.com actually got a Twitter Profile! That happened in October of 2010... and I just sent my first Twitter message a week ago.
Is the fact that this time I'm not even trying to limit myself to 140 characters even to be cute a little hint? Could be!
Folks, I just don't get it, man. Why the hell is it so popular?
You know what I get even less, though? How in the name of Fred Rogers it's popular enough for people to pay their own damned money to wear shoes emblazoned with the Twitter logo. Shouldn't they be paying people to advertise for them?
Clearly I'm getting old. I just don't get it... Now GET OFF MY LAWN you little monsters!
11. The Occupy Movement and the shocking overreactions thereto:
It started in September of 2011 as Occupy Wall Street, literally in New York's Wall Street Financial District! The goals of the movement were to protest social and economic inequality, high employment, greed, corruption, the undue influence of corporations on government and the "1% Majority".
From there, the movement whizzed around the world and Tent Cities sprung up all over major metropolitan areas raising awareness of the cause with the slogan "We are the 99%".
In these shit economic times with literally more foreclosed-upon, empty homes than there are homeless people in the United States of America (AMERICA, now!), the origins were worthwhile (even if they did begin in CANADA, look it up) and the goals are admirable. It's hard to disagree with the fact that the majority of the wealth in the world is controlled by a very small minority (Science Fiction sagas have been written about less). Sure, some of their methods and the results are questionable but at least they're doing SOMETHING and they are succeeding in raising awareness about their issues pretty fantastically! Further, they're doing it with a vow of nonviolence and civil disobedience, not rioting and throwing shit.
Hence the reactions to the Occupy movement have been about as shocking as a toaster oven dropped into a hot tub.
Arrests and police crackdowns were all over the place... and in some incredibly surprising places.
When I saw the November 18, 2011 footage of a dickshit campus police lieutenant named John Pike (what a fucking asshole) pepper-spraying a group of seated, linked-arm protesters I was obviously deeply disturbed and wondered what backwards, whack-ass state that could possibly have happened at. I mean, backwater hick towns can have all kinds of repulsive happenings, even on University Campuses, right? And then I found out the whole thing happened right here in Sunny California!!! Really? I mean, sure, Pepper-Spray is nothing new, man, in fact, the same had already happened to baracade pushing protesters in other Occupy demonstrations. But, again... these were peaceful, linked-arm, seated protesters performing a sit in. Pike and his dickweed cop allies claimed they felt surrounded by the students. Yeah, because a bunch of liberal arts majors in cardigans, Birkenstocks and designer cargo pants usually tend to be a threat to gun-carrying, professionally trained officers decked out in Riot Gear.
I'm calling "BULLSHIT!" anyway, man! Look at that peaceful sit in with the casually relaxing onlookers threatening those poor innocent police officers WITH THEIR FUCKING CAMERAS. And look at Pike casually walking along and spraying pepper spray in their faces. What a fucking Hero.
A now-suspended "Hero"! But it was the peaceful protesters who got arrested.
Let's back up and breathe that in one more time... nobody in all of the corrupt bank scandals have been prosecuted... but peaceful protesters are being arrested (not to mention beaten, pepper-sprayed and violated). Ah... Liberty.
Unnecessary force was all over the fucking place, though. Take Anna Kathryn Sluka of Muskegon, Michigan. That's her pictured above getting forcibly felt-up by "Officer" Luis Pacheo... yet another "hero". Well, I mean, look how dangerous the 24 year old lady seems to be. She's wielding a dangerous ink pen (that she couldn't possibly have been using to write on herself). But, hell, I mean, who hasn't had to forcefully subdue a 24 year old blonde by holding on to both of her breasts? I mean, you know, outside of a really demeaning porno movie. According to Sluka, when she demanded not to be touched, Pacheo said "Oh, I'll touch you!" and he did... the image of him grabbing both her breasts speaks for itself (do you really believe that's standard police procedure?), but she was also shoved up against the wall and forced into a cop car, while she explained her protest was peaceful!
So why did the cops target her? She must have done something, right? She sure did. She demanded the badge numbers of cops who were roughing up fellow protesters. Clearly, she's a trouble-making criminal.
But the responses to the Occupy movement came from some very odd places. Famed iconoclastic comic book writer and illustrator Frank Miller described the support of the movement as an act of "unspeakable cowardice". He went on to say (on his own blog that Occupy should only be called a movement "if the word 'bowel' is attached" and called the protesters "a pack of louts, thieves, and rapists, an unruly mob, fed by Woodstock-era nostalgia and putrid false righteousness" who "harm America".
Frank Miller's words are far from isolated... and they're not as misguided and cruel as they seem on the surface. The problem is that Miller is starting to sound like any old free-thinker-cum-conservative, now commenting on Fox "News".
Yes, folks, it's true that the United States is facing terrible trials and tribulations from the outside. Forces like (as Miller puts it "al-Qaeda and Islamicism [sic]" have declared war on our way of life. On the other hand, where is it written and how could it possibly make sense that because we have ONE problem, either everything else is suddenly PERFECT or there is, quite simply, no room for any other causes whatsoever!
The Occupy Protesters are not perfect, folks, it's true. Their methods can occasionally be misguided and their goals are not quite as focused as, say, the evil forces of The Tea Party, but again, at least they're doing something. To suggest that because there are terrorists in the world, we should not only ignore internal trouble, but should fall in lock step behind and ignore our rights to free speech is idiotic. To even joke that because not everything Occupy has done is right in line with your beliefs is cause for their breasts to be grabbed forcefully or their eyes to be sprayed with pepper by casual cops is more misguided and anti-American.
Finally, at the risk of my readers starting to hum "When Johnny Comes Marching Home Again" in mocking tribute to me, let me close by citing the following: "Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances."
That's a little quote from some piece of paper called "The First Amendment to the United States Constitution"... meaning, the First article in the United States Bill of Rights. That's right, Rights. Not "Right Wing"! Rights. The founding fathers found this right to be so important that they made sure it was the first one listed... a truth self-evident. Agree or disagree with their ideas or their methods (and, kids, I can't say I agree with all of it) that last part is EXACTLY WHAT THE OCCUPY MOVEMENT IS DOING! Peaceful, nonviolent assembly... Agree or disagree, folks, these guys are exercising their patriotic, constitutional rights.
It's the highlight of the Bizarre Bazaar that these reactions are coming into play at all!
The Anthony Weiner wiener scandal (again), Green Lantern was released as a Comedy, Troll 2 is now a Pop-Culture milestone with its own separate documentary (both now on Blu-Ray), WikiLeaks is now citing "legality", the European Debt Crisis, KPBS Radio, San Diego, the continually profane plans for the Star Trek sequels, when Cracked.com gets "bad" (note the dead YouTube links plaguing the site), Dominique Strauss-Kahn, Romney, Spaceknight and, as always WorldsGreatestCritic.com's rapid reduction in quality and a slower output than the early Image Comics!!!
Sock it to... oh, who cares??
The 2011 Memories have been continued from the Happy-Ass path known as...
and from the less than pleasant...
Stagnated and hanging around... Same Bat Website!
People in 2011 and beyond who don't
Click HERE for MORE REVIEWS!
The Weird and Unexplainable Bizarre Bazaar of 2011 collected and Mused Upon
by J.C. Maçek III who is solely responsible for the content of all the Oddities on this website
And for the fact that it's been over forty days and forty nights since he's had a Food Fight and BY GOD HE'S READY FOR ONE NOW!
Got something to say? Write it!