There are few movies more pathetic than these slices of dry, gamey, nauseating Turkey than these here flicks. And in this here year of 2013, we're continuing the tradition with another foul fowl. And we're back in the Nasty Santa rut, dudes and chicks. Sorry.

You see, in 1984 a rancid piece of scabby birdflesh known as Silent Night, Deadly Night, all about a douche (or douches) in a santa costume offing people left and right in his own slasher/ splatter sort of way. At least he's already wearing red, though, right? Convenient.

However, unlike our first Christmas Turkey, known as Christmas Evil, which largely went unnoticed by parents' groups, Silent Night, Deadly Night proved to be a beacon for the easily offended. Critics hated the film (Siskel and Ebert read the production credits on air, adding the words "Shame, Shame" after each name), PTA groups fought to have the stupid movie removed from theaters due to the shocking concept of a killer santa being advertised around Christmas Time and protests were staged at theaters around the country. And it worked, too, because TriStar pulled the film from distribution, allowing a smaller distributor called Aquarius Films to re-release the film after the holidays with a marketing campaign that cashed in greatly on the controversy.

The notoriety was enough to warrant four unnecessary sequels and a stupid remake, starting with this film, 1987's Silent Night, Deadly Night Part 2. And let me tell you, this film is terrible. Laughably terrible... it's such a fucking joke, you won't believe your eyes and if you find this thing festering under the tree, you'll curse Santa yourself.

Remember that joke of a Video Nasty known as Boogeyman II, in which a full 50% of the film consisted of flashback scenes from The Boogeyman? Well, whether you remember it or not, the makers of Silent Night, Deadly Night Part 2 sure as fuck remembered it because they pulled the exact same lame-ass prank with this 1987 festival of forlorn repetition. Yes, the sequel centers around Ricky Caldwell (Eric Freeman), the brother of the previous film's killer, Billy (Robert Brian Wilson), sitting around in a mental institution talking about the events of the first film, while scenes of the first film are re-played. How Lee Harry is credited as "director" of this patchwork smear on the celluloid screen, instead of the first film's director Charles Sellier is beyond me. Harry had such an easy-ass job I can't understand how he warranted a paycheck for reblending the 1984 snore-fest.

It's essentially like hanging out with someone as the describe a movie they just watched and fast forward through the scenes to give you a totally unwelcome recap. While this CAN be a good thing, considering the fact that Linnea Quigley's excellent nude scene is repeated here in its entirety (even better, as it has been edited down to focus more on her), but in general it's just as lame as you could possibly imagine. SNOOZE.

Shockingly, once the film comes into its own instead of continuing to be a clip show from the first movie, it gets even stupider. I mean, don't get me wrong, kids, the first film does suck ear. It's lame, derivative and filled with easy shock sight gags, but it's miles better than the anemic, sad-sack plot that defiles the few "original" parts of Silent Night, Deadly Night Part 2. If anything, the "original" parts feel more like repeats than the film clips. Ricky is terrorized by the images of nuns (after the events in the first film's orphanage scenes and the idea of Santa Claus drives him into a murderous rage, which would be chilling if it wasn't so damned funny.

Side note... I was elated over the fact that I found this idiotic movie on a disc with Silent Night, Deadly Night for an incredibly cheap price... like $4.99 or some such shit... It was like Santa himself gifted me this year's Christmas Turkey. I knew I'd found the one. Then, somehow, I lost it, as if Santa Claus himself came down the chimney and stole it back for fuck's sake. So I had to spend $9.99 to buy the streaming video on Amazon Prime, so everyone can go to hell. I've never been so pissed off in my entire life. I feel like finding the next Salvation Army, ripping his beard off and say "GIVE IT BACK, you MONSTER!" but then I guess that'd put me in the next sequel or something. FUCK!

FUCK!

Yeah, I had to actually pay for this thing... twice. Merry Christmas. FUCK!

Anyway, so Ricky's rampage starts out decently enough... like he's a badass vigilante who won't take shit from any "naughty" person, but then he turns into even more of a dick-brain than his big brother, culminating in a laughable killing spree filled with goofy moments, insanely silly death scenes, fake blood and... well, okay, one cool stunt with a car crash barely missing the killer just before he dons the Santa Suit... THAT part wasn't so bad.

Ricky's one bright and shining moment comes from meeting his hot girlfriend Jennifer (Elizabeth Kaitan, who gives us our one "original" nude scene) but, of course, he fucks that shit up too because he's an insane douchebag. Kaitan can actually ACT also, better than Freeman, but isn't given enough to work with. The film gets even more ridiculously metafictional than it already was when Jennifer and Ricky actually go to a fucking movie theater together to watch a fucking movie about a fucking Serial Killer who dresses up like fucking Santa Claus to fucking kill people. How DID they think that plot point up, man???

The goofiness comes to a ridiculous pinnacle with the corn-cob swab line "GARBAGE DAY!"

Yes... "GARBAGE DAY!"

"GARBAGE DAY!"

See, idotic Ricky, once he loses it, starts killing anybody and everybody while wearing a (drumroll) Santa Claus costume (and if you consider that a spoiler, you're obviously as dense as lead gas). At one point the still civilian-attired Ricky-boy shoots a guy through his trash can and yells "GARBAGE DAY!" in a way that is almost as cheesily delivered as his subsequent "maniacal laugh" which isn't funny or maniacle. From that point on, it gets even stupider... I mean that sincerely, Silent Night, Deadly Night Part 2 becomes increasingly stupid, as if it wasn't already one of the dumbest pieces of hogwash ever spilled onto video.

I'm honestly not sure what this 2013 Christmas Turkey is more... so bad it's shocking or so incredibly predictable that shocks are absent forever. By the time the final reel rolls around, you've seen both films to the point that you know exactly what's coming and you'll either laugh your ass off or sleep through the end credits. Needless to even say this, but Silent Night, Deadly Night Part 2 gets a fucking DOG!!!. Between Freeman's hammed up delivery (yes, this Christmas Turkey does indeed have a Christmas Ham) and the fact that almost the entire movie is a clip show of the first movie, this is truly a waste of time... although, I will say that on occasion it's so bad it's funny. FUCKIN' FUNNY!

So, until next year...
On Slashers, on Pantsers, on Trancers, out Blitzin'!
On Vomit and Stupid, Richard Donner and Snake Plissken!
Make sure that we count them and yes, count them all,
without our friend Rudolph we might crash into a wall!
HO! HO! HO! Merry Christmas to all and enjoy your meal!
I'll be sure to see you in the Next Rudolph-lit-Reel!