This served to make me all the more sad that I've run out of those classic Mikey Myers movies to review as we keep the WorldsGreatestCritic.com Halloween tradition going. Instead of killer movies like Halloween or, even, Halloween II I now have to review bottom-of-the-shoe scrapings like this piece of crap known as Halloween Night!

It's... it's bad. It's really bad.

The fact that I can't give it a complete DOG Rating says a fuckload LESS about the quality of this motion picture than it does the sorry state of the once venerable Halloween franchise. Compared to some of the worst in the series, this one, somehow, doesn't look all that bad, man!

That said? It still sucks!

Of course, part of this has something to do with the fact that this booger smudge on the bathroom stall door of direct-to-DVD swill was created and released by The Asylum, complete with yet another yawn-worthy credit for that dick hole David Michael Latt... a man who sucks out loud, dammit!

Like all of The ASSylum's "Mockbusters", this one is a complete rip-off of a popular film. Just on the heels of the announcement that the remake of Halloween was to be written by Rob "I can't write" Zombie and directed by Rob "I can't direct" Zombie, David Michael Latt "came up with" the idea for this film and rushed it into production with "screenwriter" Michael Gingold and "director" Mark Atkins on the crew.

Aside from being written and directed by people who can't write or direct, Halloween Night has something else in common with the 2007 film it tried to cash in on. Namely... the plot of the original Halloween. Check this smear of bullshit out. A troubled young man escapes from an Asylum (which is more than it looks like I will ever be able to do) on Halloween, steals a rubber mask and a car and heads back to his home town and the house that terrible things happened in when he was a little boy. He then goes on a killing spree. Hell, this plot actually has slightly MORE to do with the original Halloween than the ACTUAL remake does. Fuck, man!

Can you BELIEVE that David Michael Latt gave himself a STORY credit for this? What the fuck? Since I just watched Halloween in the theatre, can I completely ape that in a terrible movie and claim I made that up too?

Man, FUCK, man! They even have the AUDACITY to start this "movie" out with the text "The following story is based on actual events." Why can't loser Latt just be honest and finish that sentence with "... that I saw in a Carpenter movie a while back, dudes."?

Anyway... so, basically, we soon learn the scared kid cum scarred Serial Killer is named "Chris Vale" ("portrayed" by Scot Nery) was horribly (and impossibly) disfigured in ways that make him look worse than Freddy and Jason combined. Actually, it looks like he just has a rubber mask on. It's lame. Speaking of "masks", the initial "trauma" that lead to his insanity has to do with a couple of guys raping and murdering his poor, super-hot mother (Jan Anderson). This crime, incidentally, takes place while these two men are wearing masks that are undeniably similar to Michael Myers masks.

REALLY, Latt, really? You know, seriously, folks, the fact that David Michael Latt actually makes a LIVING making these movies REALLY pisses me off. He deserves to be cleaning amusement park toilets on the day the fat camp gets bussed in for a day of fun and diet-cheating. Dick!

Anyway, so the story is that this one total asshat named David (Derek Osedach) decides to throw a big-ass costume party with all his friends (he surprisingly has more than one or two) in the very house the atrocity took place in. So, when the Slasher comes home he has plenty of jerky characters to slice up.

And that's the whole story. The WHOLE story, man. It's as run-of-the-mill as you can get. Steal the setup from Halloween with the most minor of cosmetic changes (and almost adorably inept attempts at plot twists), then thrust it haphazardly into the same old teenage party romp/ Final Girl story we see every film of this kind. Yawn.

The cosmetic changes are even stolen... all of the Scream rules are followed and the other Halloween films are carelessly strip-mined for material.

I would include the two "remake" flicks in this, too, but alas they came out AFTER this wad of want-ad papers. But some of the inclusions here are so remarkably similar to old Rob's later bottom-feeders that it's hard not to believe that Mr. Zombie didn't run out of ideas just to rent this flick from the local Ball-Blocker video and save his career. Hell, he probably reassured himself that he was just "stealing them BACK".

But yeah, this movie is still bad. What keeps this from flopping dick-first into the ant-bed of our lowest ratings has a lot to do with... well... boobs! That's right. At least David Michael Latt realized his terrible movie required a great amount of nudity to keep it watchable even as it proves itself to be a complete and total creative nadir. The aforementioned Janina Anderson deserves quite a salute to begin with. Picking up the torch and running with it is the beautiful Lesbian couple, Angela (Erica Roby) and Kendall (Amanda Ward) whose romantic Lesbian Sex sequences constitute the only reason to make this movie a repeat-viewing experience. These scenes don't last nearly long enough, however, and ultimately leave the viewer demanding more. Stephanie Medina's Kim practically upstages the entire movie with her consciousness conquering nudity that kept me reversing the video and doing freeze frames. HELLO Stephanie. Likewise, Alicia Klein's Tracy is a super naked cutie in her watch-worthy bubble bath scene. Loved it. Interestingly enough Amelia Jackson-Gray's character Jeanine doesn't get naked at all... which is a DAMNED shame because that lady is JUST delicious (see her awesome nude scene in Snakes on a Train, but skip the rest of that piece of shit movie). Similarly, our leading lady Rebekah Kochan never gets (quite) naked as Shannon. Luckily she, like Jackson-Gray, can act... but... it would have been nice.

And those, my friend, are the redeeming qualities of the ASSylum's pig slop of a release called Halloween Night. Even these beautiful moments get ruined by the stupid serial killer. I mean, really, one would think that after being in a mental institution all that time, sad old, deformed Chris Vale would have walked around the corner with his bloody axe and have seen Stephanie bouncing around naked or Alicia in her sudsy happy tub or, best yet, Erica and Amanda making the naked pretzel and stopped for a second to say "Yeah, I shouldn't be killing people... especially THESE people. And LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL!"

The fact that this doesn't happen is just one of the myriad, mountainous multitude of reasons that Halloween Night simply does NOT MAKE SENSE... any more than most ASSylum trash heaps make any sense. Still, its gratuities do manage to earn it a meager Two Stars out of Five! Yeah, that's right, it sucks garlic pumpkin seeds through a sewage pipe behind a fucking Stuckey's Truck Stop in Alabama or somewhere.