April 1, 1987

  Bye Bye '86!
Howdy, there you True Believers on the ARPANET!
I'm finally getting around to posting my Traditional YEAR_IN_REVIEW that you all find so Tubular!!! And let me tell you, 1986 was one AMAZING year... so stunningly AWESOME, in fact, that I'm just now recovered enough to write about it, man!
On the BRIGHT side, we had the opening of The Rock and Roll Hall of Fame (Excellent) and way on the other side of the color wheel we had that bogus Space Shuttle Challenger explosion. So lame, homeboys! And the ups and downs keep on coming all over the world. Even those COMMIES over in Russia totally forgot about the gnarly fall of Skylab and they managed to send up that totally RAD Space Station called MIR, which is extra killer because it rhymes with BEER, man! But, dudes... can anybody say "SPUTNIK"? Whoa!!! On the FLIP side, then they had that whole Chernobyl thing that like totally sucked, kids. Yeah, man, I actually feel bad for calling them "Commies" now, even though they totally are. You know... Save the Planet, Love All, Serve All!
Even the world of Entertainment is on this Great Space Coaster of ups, downs, loopty-loops and sidey-sideys. Check it out, bros: This year at the local Cinema (some of these are getting so huge, by the way, that they've got like SIX screens and like, Stereo, and the floor is at this angle so every seat ROCKS) we had everything from Transformers: The Movie to GoBots: Battle of the Rock Lords to Robotech: the Movie; from Rosa Luxemburg to Luxo, Jr.; from The Golden Child to Goldie Hawn naked in Wildcats, from Top Gun to Howard the Duck; from The Fly to Friday the 13th part VI: Jason Lives!
FER SHUR, dudes and dudettes, the same hellacious year that put Jason Voorhees back behind the mask also showed us how studly Jeff Goldblum could look as a grody insect and just as Pirates showed us that Hollywood will never again dig on movies about pirates, Howard the Dick marked the end FOREVER of Comic Book flicks, with or without George Lucas' help! Then again, with totally bad to the max books like ZOT! and Miracleman, it's clear that Eclipse Comics is set to overtake DC and Marvel as the primo #1 comic company on Earth ANYWAY, so everything's changin', man!
But, hey, airheads, at least we can look forward to two MORE years of REAGANOMICS!!! Whoa! Gag me with a SPOON!
So before you dweebs get your fag tags in a wad and tell me to EAT YOUR SHORTS, how about checking out the, like, most RADICAL, the most Lame-o-Rama and the most totally SPAZ-worthy events of Nineteen Eighty-Six, not to mention this year's TOTALLY RAD Dead Man of the YEAR to the MAX and out the DOOR!!!

 


THE TOP SIX of 1986!!!

1. The Voyager 2 Space Probe by NASA has just made first contact with... URANUS!
HO-OOOOOOOOH!
I'll bet you didn't see that coming, man! It's like, ever since Voyager took that trip to the GREAT WHITE NORTH, it's checked out Saturn and, like, Jupiter and all, but now, hey, you turn around and there it is, sniffing around URANUS!
You should be stoked, though, that it picked you, you Bimbette, you!
Totally!

2. Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home!
This one is for you cats who need some help wiping out the Klingons, hanging around Uranus! Sorry, that was bad! Okay, like I don't want you joysticks to think I'm like some totally major geek-wad or something but I actually am a Trekkie! Or is it, like, Trekker now? Yeah! Anybody who says Star Trek is, like, "Out", or whatever, is a total poseur!
Guess whose coming to dinner, man! No, not just, like, SPOCK, but he's even bringing two WHALES! Yeah, man, Kirk, Spock and the gang from the Enterprise went all Greenpeace this year and jumped on the "Save the Whales" boat! Yeah, you dipsticks who still thought Spock was dead are so behind the times! Yeah, they went and kicked Khan's ass, then beat up the crazy guy from Taxi, then they went all Marty McFly and flew back in time to get their merit badges in Whale Saving! Cool!
But I have to ask, is this the end for Trek? I mean, after this, there's no way we'll ever see Star Trek on TV again, will we, and how can they keep Kirk going forever? I can't even imagine what ship they could give him... he wrecked his last two. Sheesh!

3. The Statue of Liberty reopens!
Yeah, momma! I'm talkin' 'bout the Yankee Rose! I'm sure I speak for everybody out there when I point out just how el-lame-o that poor French Chick in New York Harbor looked with all that scafolding around her. It looked like they had her locked up for doing something naughty, like, maybe lifting that skirt of hers or something, I don't know!
But now she's BACK and she looks AMAZING! The New York Skyline has never looked so awesome. Don't change a thing!

4. Music means GLAM METAL!
What's the cure for The Monkees going on that 20 year reunion tour? It's totally HEAVY METAL, man! After Ratt got featured in that ass-kicking scene from The Golden Child, I knew that this kind of music would always be popular!

Check it out, man... everything else is changing fast. Madonna? Last year she was "Like a Virgin", THIS year, she's KEEPING the BABY! Michael Jackson isn't putting out ANYTHING Bad this year. No, he's starring in a Science Fiction movie called Captain EO at Disneyland! Dexy's Midnight Runners and WHAM? Disbanded! Belinda Carlisle? Solo, without The Go-Go's!
But the CRUE is still going strong and we've got some promising new stuff like this one live EP from some band called, get this, Guns N' Roses abd a totally party hearty album from some band called Poison that manages to still look tough and get lots of chicks, in spite of the fact that they look more like transvestites than the Culture Club
For more on the HARD ROCK front, the great news is that David Lee Roth's Eat 'Em And Smile came out this year. Unfortunately, so did Van Halen's (or should I say VAN HAGAR's) 5150! DAMN! I guess we'll just have to face facts... We're stuck with Hagar the Horrible! It's officially impossible that David Lee Roth will EVER join Van Halen again and Sammy's in forever. There's no way Van Halen would ever hire a singer on for just one album. Bogus!

5. The Golden Child!
I could not be MORE stoked with this movie if Charlotte Lewis had showed us her Ta-Tas! Okay, actually, yeah, that would have been SO great!
Man, you could catch me shitting bricks when I found out that Eddie Murphy was doing action films, but so far they've all been good. Hell, man, can you even PICTURE Eddie Murphy EVER having a flop? That's like TOTALLY unthinkable! This one, though, leaves them all behind as ROAD PIZZA! Yeah, man! Star Trek IV was awesome, Aliens totally rocked and that chick with the reversed-ass name looked AMAZING in her KISS Makeup in Clan of the Cave Bear, but I'm laying my money on THE GOLDEN CHILD!
Man, oh MAN, does this movie kick ass! From half-dragon skanks to giant demon dudes to incredibly hot chicks on errands of mercy to dream sequences that could make you laugh off BOTH cheeks, this one is... well, it's GOLDEN, isn't it?
I said, ah, I--ah-I-ah-I-I-I Want the KNIIIIIIIIFE! PLEEEEEEEEEEASE!
I'm so in love with this movie, I'm thinking of renaming myself after one of the characters.
Which one, though?

6. The LATE Show with Joan Rivers!
This show proves that Nu-Vo Network FOX already has its Late Night Staple and will ALWAYS have an awesome Late Night Slate.
And Joanie looks so damned young, she could be doing this FOREVER, man. I sometimes wonder if she's had work done... but NAH, not her style, is it?
Johnny Carson is still going strong and David Letterman isn't going ANYWHERE as his late-night lead-out. All told, it turns out that there actually ARE funnier things to watch after prime time than NIGHTLINE!
Excellent news for Late Night, this is, and I say Welcome to the Show, Fox... you're officially a Late Night contender. Keep it up, Joan Rivers, as I can see you're in for the Long Haul. After all, the idea of actually firing someone from late night talk hosting is just... well, it's not only LAME, it's LUDICROUS!

  THE BOTTOM SIX of 1986!!!

1. Colorizing Killer Black and Whites!
Oh, this is so totally BOGUE that it's almost DAG!
I guess it's the WAVE of the FUTURE, though. That Turner guy with his "Classic" lineup of stolen movies and TV shows! As if devoting an entire Cable Channel to nothing but NEWS (like THAT will last) wasn't enough, he has to take all of our classics and colorize them?
It doesn't even LOOK real... it looks like he's turned Scrooge into a cartoon character and Laurel & Hardy into pastel watercolors. Holy shit!
Hey, Teddy-Boy... let me tell you a little story! In 1977 a bunch of dicks got together and decided to re-dub and COLORIZE Godzilla. That bunch of DICKS was led by Luigi Cozzi! Luigi... Cozzi. Ted-o... you are the preeminent Media Mogul of our time. Let me make it really easy for you... if Luigi Cozzi did it first... DON'T DO IT!
Shit... It won't be long now. This Colorization thing is the wave of the new tomorrow and, no, it's not going the way of New Coke! Eventually we won't even get to see Casablanca without it looking like a hit of acid somebody sweated on.
I'm sorry, Turner, but I'm PISSED! And you SUCK!

2. Remington Steele Spanks James Bond!
Whoa, now that I've typed that on my Commodore 64, that totally looks like the title for a Gay Flick. Haw Haw!
Man, what a bunch of Dickweeds NBC is! First the WASP Yuppies at that lame network perpetrate the SPAZ move of cancelling Remington Steele, as if not enough Couch Potatoes were vegged out watching it or something.
The totally KILLER outcome of that was that star Pierce Brosnan was suddenly freed up to step into the Tuxedo behind the PPK and take over the role of 007 from SAINTly Moore... Roger Moore!
The news was so exciting that the number of Couch Potatoes vegging out, drinking New Coke and watching Remington Steele reruns, like, quadrupled or something, so NBC suddenly UN-Cancels Mistah Steele!
Therefore Pierce Brosnan, unfortunately, will NEVER get to be James Bond. This sucks. Way to make the Ideal Bond a Wannabe, you scumbag schmoozers.

3. Libya and that Muammar Gaddafi asshole!
Whoa, what a total, flaming JERK-face this guy is. It's bad enough that no two newspapers on EARTH can spell his name the same way, he's got to go and turn out to be THIS kind of ASS!
He's all about drawing lines in the sand, messing with the Good Old US of A, like his farty little country can do jack shit about it anyway. Man, I hate him! He's all about terrorism assassination and just plain being a BUZZ-kill. Like this Mad Dog of the Middle East can stand up to our Cowboy President. Wake me when it's over! After we bombed his ass into the ground he actually declared "VICTORY" over the USA. That's kind of like saying you beat a guy up by repeatingly hitting the bottom of his boot with your face! Then he even RENAMED his country the Great Socialist People's Libyan Arab Jamahiriyah!
Try saying THAT three times fast... or spelling it the same way twice!
Victory? Come ON, man... you can't even get above the rank of Colonel in your own military, when you're the absolute ruler and you gave yourself the Promotion test with permission to Cheat.
What's worse is that this kind of Mid-East insanity is actually Spreading! Look at what Saddam Hussein did to his own people in Iraq in 1986! DAMN, man... Saddam Hussein was one of the GOOD guys! Everybody in the United States loves him. Say it ain't SO, Saddam!!!
The comfort about all this is that Moammar Gadhafi or Muammar Qaddafi or Mu'ammar Al-Qadhafi or Muammar el-Qaddafi or Muammar Khaddafi or Muammar el-Qaddafi or Moammar Kadafi or however you spell his damned name, is on his way OUT, but QUICK! There's no way we'll still be talking about his ass in the future. I mean, SERIOUSLY, can you even IMAGINE that? Just picture us cruising around in our Flying Cars in, say, the year 2011 or something, and still hearing and seeing holograms about THIS idiot in Libya still alive and throwing his weight around. Yeah RIGHT!

4. Mrs. Garrett leaves The Facts of Life!
Look, man, it's not like this show hasn't survived a retooling before (remember when they dumped the original line-up of girls like that Breakfast Club chick in favor of the fat girl, the little kid, the barbie doll and the Lesbian?) but to let Charlotte Rae go?
Are you HIGH?
Do I need to remind you what happened when Edna Garrett left Diff'rent Strokes? The Anarchy, the Carnage, the Chaos, the guest appearance by Nancy Reagan?
And to think that the fat girl, the little kid, the barbie doll and the lesbian have all vowed to press on! Hell, isn't that like trying to watch The Hogan Family without Valerie?
Oh the HUMANITY!

5. Chernobyl!
Look, I'm EDGY, so I'm going to go out on a limb and scream out that the Reactor Has No Clothes here, man!
Man, oh, man, like we don't have enough tragedy already. Reagan gets hosed for calling the Missile Defense system "Star Wars" and then conspiracy dipsticks go claiming that Star Wars killed the Space Shuttle Challenger and then we get a total nuclear MELTDOWN in Russia. Yeah, I know, we're supposed to hate those Commie Ruskies and all, but they're all just people, and I can't imagine any of us red-white-and-blue bloods were liking THIS version of Nuking the CCCP!
But I'm sure we've all learned our lessons. Yeah, I know, we should ban the anti-nuke kooks, 'cause Atomic Power is the best and all (besides the Nuke Power Plant in Southern California looks like a GREAT pair of TITS) but I predict that we're all going to be a lot safer around the Nukes. No way are we going to have more Nuclear Scares in the next Millennium. Not a chance, bro!

6. 5150 is outselling Eat 'em and Smile!
You people just DON'T KNOW what's good!

 


THE TOTALLY WHOA SIX of 1986!!!

1. Dallas Season 8 was ALL just a DREAM!
And you totally thought that the whole "Who Shot J.R.?" thing was the biggest mess Dallas would ever have to face. Nah-ah, stud-muffins!
See, Bobby Ewing TOTALLY died in 1985 and we had to deal with that for all of season 8. But it might as well have been SECTION 8, because as soon as Season 9 hit, we totally find Bobby-boy in the SHOWER, acting like nothing ever happened... because totally nothing DID, man! Bobby's death and, in fact, ALL of Season 8 was just a DREAM that Pam was having!!!
Now that fits NICELY in the dictionary definition of COP OUT, man! What the HELL? Even if Pam's dreams aren't quite as sexually graphic as mine (and, trust me, I've dreamed about Pam... and Bobby was NOWHERE to be found in that dream), I have to believe that something a little more outlandish than what we saw would have happened.
Maybe at Bobby's funeral, the coffin could have morphed into Herbie the Love Bug and then he could have run into Christine and then they totally could have mated and K.I.T.T. could have been their offspring! Or maybe they could have devoted a whole episode to that Pink Elephants on Parade thing from Dumbo.
Damn, why wasn't the whole thing just some Gnarly dream, man? It's like "Who Shot J.R.? Fucking NOBODY because I totally dreamt that part up. In fact, there is not J.R., only Yorick Prince of Elves... DEMON BE GONE!" and then Darth Vader could show up and decapitate Bobby and then we could start all over!
Hang on... this is GOLD, I'm calling David Jacobs!

2. Arnold Schwarzenegger TOTALLY marries Maria Shriver!
And you thought Tommy Lee marrying Heather Locklear was something so bizarre that it could have sprung out of Dallas Season 8!
Body Builder and Conan Arnold Schwarzenegger somehow managed to bag not only just about the hottest newscaster this side of Katie Couric, but she's also a KENNEDY, man!
Can't you just see her reading the news saying something like "You think that was an Earthquake? You should see what I got last night! Yowza!"
Dude... it's unreal. The Terminator guy banging away at a KENNEDY!
Well, I guess it's a good thing that he doesn't have any Political aspirations. How the hell would THAT fly???

3. Geraldo Rivera and The Mystery of Al Capone's Vaults!
I haven't laughed this hard since I actually sat through The Monkees 20 year reunion tour Concert or found out that the Voyager 2 Space Probe had just made its first encounter with URANUS!
Yeah, man... let's count the comical entries. After the ABC network fired his ass, Geraldo gave a big "I'll Show You!" and hosted this heavily hyped, journalistic stunt that was sure to show riches, drugs, bodies... all kinds of horrible things that the notorious Al Capone had hidden in his own mafia-version of King Solomon's Mine! so sure were the Promoters and, in fact, Geraldo himself, that they syndicated the opening of these vaults LIVE without having any true idea what was in them... except that it was sure to be amazing.
Those of you watching know that what was in there was a big, fat NOTHING. Some debris, dirt, empty bottles... basically the same crap you'd find in any dorm room without the stacks of Porn (at least THAT would be interesting).
Way to go, Geraldo. Your career is shot, man!

4. Boy George guest stars on The A*Team!
WHAT???
This sounds like something they'd come up with for a bad Saturday Night Live sketch... Boy George on The A*Team? What bet was lost and which side lost it to get stuck with the other side?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, we get it, Boy George is a Transvestite and Mr. T wears a ton of gold chains and has his ears pierced. Beyond that, they're about as similar as a Smurf to King Kong!
Look, man, I'm not for violence or anything and I'm certainly not a queer-basher or nothin', but seriously, totally objectively... doesn't Boy George seem like JUST the kind of guy that Mr. T would beat the crap out of like right away?
That's what I'm thinking, anyway!

5. The Three Hundred and Thirty-Five Years' War ended.
Oh, goody, now the silly Islands of Scilly can breathe easy once again and no longer fear the menace of The Republic of the Seven United Netherlands!
My inclusion on this damned list has more to do with the question of "HOW THE HELL IS THIS NEWS?"
What a fake-ass war. You know, not a single shot was even fired? And why even report this as news ANYWAY, man? It seems kind of obvious to me. It started in 1651, it's called "The Three Hundred and Thirty Five Years' War"... it seems like simple arithmetic to me, dudes... Hey, it's going to end in 1986.
Well, DUH!!!
My guess is that it's for Tourism. Neither the soggy Netherlands, nor the still-silly islands of Scilly were getting anybody visiting them on purpose so they trumped up this whole "We're now totally at PEACE" thing, so that people would hear about them in the news and come visit.
Well I'm not going to because I think this is dumb.
Hey, look at me, I'm now at war with fucking Indiana... aaaaaaaaaaaaaaand... now we're at peace again. Whew! See how easy that is? Damn it, man!

6. National Park Passport Stamps.
So, here's how it works... you go visit an American National Park as an American Citizen and they stamp your book like you just went to see the Infant of Prague or something. But you can't have them stamp your REAL Passport, because that's not really legal, so they just... you know... stamp something else.
And then they tell you... it's FREE.
That's got to be the worst tourism souvenir EVER thought up, man! "Come visit us and we'll rub a little bit of Ink on something you own... for free!"
The seven people who have actually thought this was a good idea have pointed out that now they can say they've been to all these places. What like I can't SAY it now? Like having a fake passport book cures some speech impediment? What gestappo dick out there is going to be like "PAPERS Please? No, I mean the one that proves you saw Mount Ranier! Ah, okay, you may enter!"
I was totally planning on going to Jellystone this year to visit Yogi and Boo-Boo, but now I just don't want to because this just seems dinky. I don't want some goob in a big round hat chasing me with a rubber stamper yelling "I HAVE TO STAMP YOU OR NOBODY WILL BELIEVE YOU GOT STUCK IN THIS TOURIST TRAP!"

 

THE NEGATIVE NINTEENTH ANNUAL DEAD MAN OF THE YEAR AWARD
goes to...
L. Ron Hubbard

Wow, Mousketeers, I can't believe it. In 1986, L. Ron Hubbard actually died. His followers claimed he could never die... but then I read in PENTHOUSE (yes, I read PENTHOUSE) that he was already dead.
VISIONARY Author L. Ron Hubbard was not only an incredible writer of Pulp stories and amazing Speculative Science Fiction, but also a predictor of the future. A future that will entail giant, hairy psychiatrist-controlled Aliens invading Earth and enslaving humanity to mine radioactive gold for them! Oh, just you wait, it's going to happen.
Aside from all of that, Hubbard was also an accomplished mariner, and a guru of self-help, creating the fascinating program known as Dianetics, named after his fifth wife, Dian Hubbard (nee Etics), later to be known professionally as "Old Mother Hubbard"! He also gave the world its most amazing new creation, that being the premiere anti-Xenu religion known as "Scientology"!
Scientology. Wow... the religion based on the fact that an Ancient Alien Dark Lord named Xenu collected lots of creatures from overpopulated planets, packed them into DC-10s, made them watch bad movies until they died of boredom and then stacked them into volcanoes which erupted and gave rise to humanity. It sounded silly to me, too, until I wandered into a Dianetics Center to use the bathroom and sixteen hours later, I was a believer!
By the way, Mom, Dad, you can stop worrying... I wasn't brainwashed!
Not only does Scientology hold the key to alternative methods of healing (that spank the fuck out of Psychology), not only does it hold the answers to the real history of the universe that neither your priest, nor your shrink would ever tell you, but it also has the power to CURE Homosexuality without electro shock therapy. Trust me, after only a few auditing courses and twenty thousand dollars of my grandparents' inheritance, I have absolutely no desire to make contact with URANUS!
And it's all because of that amazing Dead Man of the Year, L. Ron Hubbard. What a NEAT guy!!!
Rest in Peace Myth-Maker and truth revealer! I promise you one thing... when they finally get out of Development Hell and make Battlefield Earth into a movie, it will, unquestionably be the GREATEST... MOVIE.... EVER... MADE, not only a financial and commercial success, but a favorite of critics universe-wide, an instant classic and a brilliant legacy for you, Old Master Hubbard, you genius, you!
RUNNERS UP:
There ARE no Runners Up! It's L-Ron ALL THE WAY!!!

 

1986 has been a GREAT year, and I'm SERIOUS about that!
Click HERE for more Reviews and hope we can make it to the future... I've got a feeling 2011 will be the year to look forward to!

 

The 1986 Year in Review
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