AKA: Monster from Mars (1953) - Alternate English Title
AKA: Monsters from the Moon (1974) - USA Television title
The last skyping gorilla in a diving helmet movie you'll ever need to see!
The Near Flung and Near-in present... (which isn't that dramatic, but go with it. Damn!): Flynn was feeling a type of consternation she hadn't really stopped fully feeling since this entire Thanksgiving Turkey fiasco had begun eons ago in her own time, years ago in her own lifespan and pretty close to the present at the moment. You see, Flynn, future historian and guardian of time was now, through no volition of her own, trapped in the past with people she didn't really like very much. "I really am not enjoying myself this Thanksgiving." Flynn said aloud. "What's that?" asked Officer Roger O'Malley, one of the supposed good guys who was actually super annoying and not much more fun to be around than the villains in this story if you asked Flynn. Nobody ever bothered to ask Flynn, though. "Nothing..." she muttered. Then she added "Well, that's not really true. Everything." "Everything?" asked O'Malley's former enemy turned roommate Ricky. "Well that's a whole lot." Flynn rolled her eyes at this, then took a deep-ass breath. She was used to being the only human on Earth, guardian of its history and its potential rebirth... long after the fall... after the end of the world... after Kneumsi. Now she was cooling her heels in a police laboratory in Orange County, California and while the mid twenty-teens was pretty much her favorite time of history, she had learned in this last year of being trapped here that 2016 was much more fun to look at from the far future than it was to live in. Backwards peasants. she thought and then decided she might need to work on her anger issues if she ever found a psychiatrist in this pathetic era that wasn't also a backwards peasant. "Is it Time Tender again?" Kneumsi asked with a dull voice from his hammock. Yes... Kneumsi had actually put up a hammock in a crime lab. Flynn wasn't even sure why he was here, but she had decided to make the most of it.
"I'm not sure." she said. "I doubt it's Nagas, though because... well... Nagas couldn't orchestrate this himself. And the Time Tender. Well, he's smart enough but he dissipated in the tachyon field of The Westinghouse Brand Weird Time Oscillator Type Tachyon Thingy last year, remember?" Kneumsi gave a waking snore then smacked his mouth a few times before saying "Is it Dick Butterworth? Because I hate that guy." O'Malley shook his head. "No, the professor has been in a holding cell since last year. We know we can't release him but we're not even sure what to charge him with yet. Reckless endangerment only goes so far to describe... what happened." Flynn had actually grown to rather like the Time Tender, Ricky, O'Malley and the others, but definitely not Butterworth and Nagas... and probably not Kneumsi either. Jackass. As if on cue Kneumsi chimed in "So what is it? What's got your panties in a wad?" Flynn looked at him out of the corner of her eye for almost a minute before going on. "The timeline is fucked up." she said. "Fucked up... how?" Kneumsi asked, slowly standing from his still undeserved hammock. Flynn shook her head in concentrated anger. "You see... from the first moment that Sagan Nagas-" "I still can't get over that name." "SHUT UP, RICKY!" everyone else shouted. "From the first goddam moment that Sagan Nagas travelled through time, the fabric of temporal continuity has been fragmented." "Like a Gregory Benford novel?" Kneumsi added. O'Malley chimed in "Dammit, man, nobody knows or cares who the eff-you-see-kay Gregory Benford is!" "Good point!" Kneumsi agreed. Keith (yes, Keith was totally there) cleared his throat and added his 0.2 cents. "So, uh, what's really wrong this time?" he asked with a twinkle-inkle-inkle in his eye. Flynn now looked at Keith out of the corner of her eye for almost a minute before going on. "Donald Trump... is president... of the United States." she said. Everyone in the room screamed and ran around for a while, then realized they had already dealt with this insult to humanity two weeks prior. "Well, fuck, man!" Kneumsi said. "I hate him more than you, but what can we do?" Flynn cleared her throat and said "Well, that's a quitter's attitude. Need a diaper change?" she growled. Kneumsi just shrugged so she continued. "I'm from the future, in case your attention span is that of a mentally challenged conservative hamster." Ricky spoke up "That'd be me, actually." Flynn shook her head as if to clear it and then said "You don't understand. Donald Trump is an ineffectual moron reality TV star with no political experience, his head up his asshole, the temperament of a seven year old and the racial sensitivity of the bastard hate child of Paula Deen and Michael Richards." Kneumsi bounded onto the crime lab table and shouted "All true! What do we do, though?" Flynn pushed Kneumsi to the floor and practically screamed. "This isn't an episode of Scooby-Doo! I'm from the future. I'm telling you this was never supposed to happen. This is not the correct timeline. We are living in an alternate reality. Keith spoke up. "Explain 'Alternate Reality.'" Kneumsi glared at him and said "You know how the most recent Star Trek movies had two Spocks?" "Nah, I don't really like Star Trek." Before Keith knew what was going on he found himself outside with the door slammed behind him. "Okay, we all get it!" Kneumsi said as he walked back in, exasperated. "But can you prove it?" Flynn looked at him, annoyed, and said "You need proof we're living in a timeline that should never have been." "Yes!" "Look at your wife." "Christine?" "Yes." "What about her?" "She's like the hottest girl EVER!" "I know." "And you're like this goofy... dick." Kneumsi paused in confusion and said "That's true... but so?" "A racist douchebag with no experience whatsoever is elected president and out of every person on the planet, an Argentinian beauty queen chose you?" Kneumsi looked at the floor. "That does signify that I might be dreaming." "See?" Flynn demanded. "This timeline just isn't right. It's like we're living in The Matrix." Christine stood up from her side of the hammock and said "Hey, he's handsome!" "Thanks, baby." "Do you want Trump in the White House?" Everyone shook their heads and looked despondent. "They'd have to rename it 'The White Trash House.'" Kneumsi muttered in defeat. Flynn was adamant. "Ricky! What do you remember from your first Turkey?" Ricky sighed sadly and said "I was ripped apart by uccelli assassini." he said with a strain in his voice. "Yet here you are." Flynn said. "And Roger O'Malley. What do you remember?" "I was about to arrest Kneumsi when I woke up in an insane asylum, being tended to by a duplicitous, bitchy nurse." Flynn prompted him. "So the whole thing was just a dream?" "An insane fantasy." "Yet here you are... with Kneumsi... and your job intact." O'Malley nodded. "And you, Kneumsi? You've been to Outer Space and back and you even met your arch enemy Nagas along the way." "Yeah?" "Yet his later ghost arrived last year and merged with his younger self... meaning he couldn't possibly have lived to become an older ghost. And the Time Tender himself..." "Yeah?" O'Malley asked. Flynn moved around to address the entire group and asked "Nagas stole his time ship which is how he dragged me into this mess... but by what method did he knock out the better time traveller?" "A stale Twinkie." Kneumsi said casually. "He knocked Time Tender over the head with it to steal his ride." "Wrong." Flynn said. "It was a case of ham dingers. You remember it as being a stale Twinkie from when you advised the actors on their Kneumsi/ Nagas drama back in 2011 and the Time Tender confirmed your story but when you were captured back in 2009 Nagas clearly stated that he did it with a case of ham dingers!" Kneumsi scowled, unwilling to believe that such a lapse was merely bad writing on his part. "So we have multiple timelines?" Christine started "So we're screwed?" Flynn pointed angrily. "Then we have to do something. It's already Thanksgiving Day. We have to fix the timeline. Nagas and Time Tender's travels have practically destroyed it. We're living in a cartoon version of reality. We have to SHOCK existence back into synch." "How?" Kneumsi asked, on his tiptoes on the edge of the hanging lamp. "We have to attend this year's Thanksgiving Turkey!" Christine insisted, holding one of Kneumsi's two five-fingered hands. "But I haven't planned anything!" Kneumsi insisted. Flynn held up a newspaper clipping and everyone gasped. It detailed the continuation of the Thanksgiving Turkeys in the self-same gothic castle as last year, complete with the promise of a world-changing event... again. "Someone did!" she said. "And we have to be prepared. We have to stop this travesty before it's too late." With that, she posed dramatically in a manner both Nagas and Time Tender might have envied.
THE PRESENT (Pretty Much):
The scene was that of a decidedly gothic castle with a formerly charming couple of tulip gardens (now dead and dried) on either side of the draw bridge. The Mountain Dew moat had long since been drained and the killer crocodiles had gone home. Kneumsi moaned "Why are we here?" Christine elbowed him and said "Someone is trying to carry on the tradition of the Turkeys without you. This is what Flynn keeps calling a disaster of biblical proportions." Kneumsi ignored how dramatic Flynn could be and shrugged. "Yeah, but why this place? This is the stupid place Dick had it last year." Flynn said "Someone has an ace up their sleeve." She reached into her pocket, grabbed her flask full of whiskey, pulled on a big swig and then said "We have to be here to guide the proceedings to our benefit to fix the fabric of time itself." Kneumsi yawned. O'Malley posted a couple of police lookouts at the mouth of the moat and said "Be on the lookout!" then added "For more than just great looking men, Daniels." The other cop looked at Daniels and asked "Are you gay?" "I'm no different than the way God made me!" Daniels insisted and indicated a safety pin on his lapel. After a long pause the other cop named James sighed and said "Me too." Inside the creepy castle with the torches burning madly outside and on every interior wall, destiny was about to dawn. As the heroes passed by the posters that read "Win Part of a Guitar" and "Speed doesn't kill... IMPACT DOES!" and "Full On Godhead!" as well as the one that has the complete lyrics to the "I Can't Get Over Ovaltine" Jingle, including the rare, radio-only, musical bridge, all printed out in that nice, clean 2001 A Space Odyssey font, a strangely familiar voice boomed "Friends, Romans, Countrymen, regular recurring characters and refugees from Land's End, welcome to the completion of last year's long, hard Turkey!" Kneumsi leaned over to Flynn "I thought Dick Butterworth was still locked up." Flynn whispered "He is. I don't know who is doing this!" Then the main characters (such that they are) entered the main auditorium and saw the huge crowd with a few familiar faces all looking toward the stage upon which was a whopper of a device Kneumsi immediately recognized as "The Westinghouse Brand Weird Time Oscillator Type Tachyon Thingy!" Flynn didn't know whether to laugh or cry. "This is important. This is fitting. We needed this here." she said. "Still I'm terrified." Christine pointed and whispered "It still has the blood on it from last year. Whatever happened to that kid, the usher who gashed his hand open at your instruction, Flynn?" Flynn was looking around for Happy Meals. McDonalds was one of the things that had made her entrapment in the 21st century a bit more palatable and her muffin-top displayed that shit really well. "Hmmm... he did gash his hand, didn't he? Right there on the time thingy." Kneumsi leaned in. "Does that mean something to you?" Flynn made up a (chunky) face and said "It might, rabbit, it might." Christine was holding a tiny white rabbit and Flynn chose to address the pet, rather than Kneumsi whom she generally genuinely disliked. The audience (again consisting of Friends, Romans, countrymen, The Village People, regular recurring characters, classmates from last year and refugees from Land's End) all stared at the newcomers as if they had interrupted all of the proceedings. The voice boomed "Ah, but clearly we have guests. It's great to see you guys. Except you, O'Malley, you're a bit of a pill." O'Malley raised a finger as if to object, then bowed his head, nodding. "Yes, the tradition of the Thanksgiving Turkeys does continue as I've always wanted... it's my dream, if you will." the disembodied voice continued. "And now Kneumsi is here, so we can continue. But... this year we shall also have a vote on what film we shall see... what will this year's Turkey be?" Flynn addressed her group as the audience deliberated. "Listen, guys, we have to do 1953's Robot Monster! It's a total Trump analogue. A fat, stupid looking guy with bad hair and a penchant for grabbing women against their wills manages to take over the world when nobody expects an inept joke like his ass could possibly succeed. Meanwhile a small minority of rebels resist him and rail against the racist forces that are backing him." Kneumsi cleared his throat and said "Guys, that's... actually what it's about. It couldn't be more 2016 election if Hillary Clinton actually cameoed." "I'm shocked!" Christine said." "Actually the little girl in the movie looks a lot like Hillary and the title character actually kills her." Kneumsi flipped Flynn off and said "Spoilers, bitch!" Flynn resisted punching him in the balls and instead turned around and said "We are ready... to vote." The alien-sounding voice boomed again. "Everyone is ready. Speak your choices!" Films like "Glen or Glenda", "Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen", "Speed 2: Cruise Control", "Inchon", "The Giant Spider Invasion", "Robot Monster", "Showgirls", "Burn, Hollywood, Burn", "Gigli", "Garbage Pail Kids", "Catwoman", "Manos, The Hands of Fate", "The Room" and "Batman V Superman: Dawn of Justice" were all shouted out as the Time Thingy flashed its bloodstained lights and tabulated the results. "And YOU?" the monstrous voice called to Kneumsi's group. "Robot Monster!" Ricky said. "Robot Monster!" O'Malley said. "Robot Monster!" Christine said. "Robot Monster!" Kidd said. "Robot Monster!" Weaz said. "Showgirls!" Kneumsi said. Flynn looked at Kneumsi out of the corner of her eye for almost a minute before saying "Robot Monster!" The Time Thingy flashed and made its calculation noises before settling down and flashing two or three times. "The choice has been made." it said. Flynn couldn't help but think that voice, too, was quite familiar. Who was behind this and how would they fix this? Then the disembodied voice of their host blasted through the loudspeakers again. "That's 47.94% for Showgirls and 46.38% for Robot Monster! So... Robot Monster wins." Kneumsi raised his hand and hollered "Wait a minute... the one that got LESS votes won? How?" The deep voice of the host called back "We give more power to the audience members who are not seated near each other." Kneumsi was indignant. "Wait a minute... that's not very democratic. That's anti-democratic. The voice of ALL the people should be heard." The voice laughed and said "Well... that's the American Way. More votes for the rural. The Electoral College decides the election. Screw the will of the people." Kneumsi was pissed off. Actually nobody thought this was a good idea, even the people who got their way, except the uneducated hillbillies in the audience... none of whom sat near each other. The voice continued "So without further ado... Robot Monster." Then the speaker paused for a moment and added "The second film from Phil Tucker, who would go on to edit The Nude Bomb, so, uh, Tarantino, he ain't." Kneumsi and his group all began to sit (together!!!) among the crowd as Flynn assured him "Trust me, this is going to be ok. Only with Robot Monster can we end this kind of ridiculous voting." The curtain pulled back and stretched taught to become a screen in itself in a neat enhancement over last year (the rest of the place actually looked a lot shittier) and the film began to light up (and soil) the screen before them. Jeni and Guy Suity were in the audience (neither of them knew quite why) and winced as some goofball named "Roy" was introduced as if it was some kind of big deal. Kneumsi laughed. "George Nader? More like NADIR!" The audience laughed as did the disembodied voice of their host. Soon the screen was tainted by the presence of Donald Trump... Actually, Ro-Man the Monster as overacted by George Barrows. "What is this? The villain is an overweight gorilla in a diving helmet?" Connie Struction demanded. "With TV antennae, yeah." Kneumsi agreed. "You might recognize this doober from the spoof that band The Cars did of him in their 'You Might Think' video." "Dude, you listen to The Cars?" the Chief asked with a chuckle. "Hey, SHUT UP!" Kneumsi yelled back. The traffic cop sitting next to the Chief whispered "You gonna ask him 'how'?" The Chief just stared at him. "Is this a kids' movie?" Christine Macek demanded. "Isn't that more appropriate for the Christmas Turkeys?" "Good call, baby." Kneumsi muttered and watched as Barrows overacted in conjunction with yet another "Ro-Man" known as "the Great Guidance" who was almost identical. "Wait, are they SKYPING?" Weaz asked. "Yeah. They're skyping their plans to destroy what's left of the human race... with a bubble machine." Kneumsi confirmed. "No, they're not skyping. That's a mirror!" Shannon laughed. "It looks like it, huh? Same costume. Different helmet. Same guy in the costume (overacting) and same guy (John Brown) doing the voice of both of them... inexplicably." Kneumsi groaned. "Check it out. Ro-Man skypes with the humans, too." "Wait, why would they give him their Skype address?" Christine asked, confused. "I don't know, honey, it's senseless, let's just try, as best we can, to make it through this ordeal." It was like watching flies fuck. The audience was in misery as if each had experienced unnecessary surgery before being forced to down the grass and booger casserole, sweet potatoes (that weren't that sweet), dressing (because only commies call it "stuffing"), the cranberry sauce and, of course, this unpalatable turkey called Robot Monster. Soon the unwitting audience was introduced to The Professor (John Mylong) who always refers to the monster as "Roman" as opposed to "Ro-Man", Mother (the Professor's wife, as played by Selena Royle) and the two adorable scamps Johnny (Gregory Moffett) and the Hillary Clinton-looking Carla (as played by (Pamela Paulson). "Damn, Johnny's a cute kid, but his voice is annoying." Christine scoffed. "It was the fifties. That's how people thought kids talked." Kneumsi advised. "Wait, who is THAT?" Scrotum asked. "Oh..." Kneumsi grunted. "That's Alice played by Claudia Barrett. She's the oldest daughter of the Professor and his wife." "Oldest is right. Isn't she the same age as her parents?" Jeni laughed. "No. She's supposed to be about the same age as that Roy guy." Kneumsi said, dully. Christine laughed. "Isn't ROY the same age as Alice's parents?" The audience laughed. Flynn patted the air as their host's voice continued to echo through the speakers in laughter. "Wait." Flynn suggested. "Watch. There's a romance between Roy and Alice." "Well, considering the fact that they're the only two people of reproductive age left on the planet, who can blame her... or him." Christine sniffed. "Wait, are they naked?" Kneumsi patted her shoulder. "No, baby, they're not naked. This is a kids' movie." Christine scowled. "This doesn't look like a kids' movie." The audience agreed. "Don't miss the most important part, here!" Flynn called over the rabble. "Ro-Man also has a bit of a hard-on for Alice-" "EWWWWWW!" everyone shouted. "Figuratively speaking, dammit. We don't have to see it. See, he's already taken over the planet when most people didn't want him with the backing of a racist organization and now he's going to... to... " Kneumsi started to exclaim "Grab Alice by the-" "Please... don't." Christine said, unnerved. "So do you all get the point here?" Flynn asked. "This is the perfect analogue to the 2016 election. Look, he's carrying her away against her will." "True." Percy Stone moaned. "But even I can admit that Ro-Man is classier and better looking than Trump. Hey, so is that helmet his head or is there another head inside that tiny sock in the face mask?" "It's called 'Robot Monster', fucker. He's half-robot and half-monster!" Scrotum told his cousin. "Then, Schroeder, what's all this crap about race?" Scrotum was indignant. "That's Scrot-... oh, wait, I forgot, I much prefer my real name. I'm so pissed I still have to spend Thanksgiving with you." "Hey, shut up, you assholes." Kneumsi blurted." The racism crap makes sense because Ro-Man and the other Ro-Man with the slightly different helmet are cyborgs." "Cyborgs?" everyone gasped. Kneumsi rolled his annoyed eyes and said "Isn't that fucking obvious? They think they're superior to the human race because they're racist-ass cyborgs. Like Scro... uh, Schroeder said... Robot... Monster. Shit. It's like the Borg assimilated a planet full of Wookiees and only the fat ones survived so we got this race of racists who hate human beings." "Well, why the fuck aren't we watching THAT movie?" Jeni demanded. Connie Struction agreed. "Yeah, man. Hell. I'd much rather see the movie about The Borg assimilating the Planet of the Apes than... this shit." The audience agreed and the rabble continued as cans of Miller High Life were thrown at the makeshift screen and they shouted obscenities... it was a lot like the 2016 Republican National Convention, but with less deplorables. "Silence!" shouted their still-unseen host as the Tachyon Time Westinghouse whatever Thingy began to glow brighter. "You'll miss the WEDDING SEQUENCE." Weaz scoffed. "That was a WEDDING? He didn't even put on his shirt." "He was HOT!" Ricky shouted. Christine laughed. "No, Roy is DEFINITELY NOT HOT!" Shannon shook her head. "And why'd they even bother, man? Shit, look at this desolate landscape. There's nobody they can cheat on each other with. The human race has been destroyed by Donald Trump Republicans. Commitment is not just implied, it's mandatory." "Oh fuck, they killed the little girl!" Kneumsi shouted. Flynn punched his shoulder. "You already knew that." "SHHH! I'm trying to make a point!" Kneumsi jabbed back in whisper, then shouted "Dudes, the girl who got over two million more votes than Ro-Man was just demolished by him. Doesn't that piss you off?" The cowboy guy who always shows up retorted "Did she mismanage her emails?" He looked around at the angry crowd and then said "Sorry, sorry... I'm... I'm sorry... that wasn't funny." "Aw, man, and Ro-Man just grabbed Alice again and is dragging her away like the Donald Trump that he is." Jeni said. "Into a cave with a bubble maker in it. This is supposed to be scary?" Christine asked. "It was to kids in 1953." Kneumsi said. "And don't forget that this is a Donald Trump analogue! It's scary to ME!" Christine nodded and began to shiver. And then the end of the film slithered onto the screen. I hesitate to call it a "climax". It was the final sequence. "What the actual FUCK?" Cowboy screamed. "It was all just a DREAM?" Jeni stood and pointed at the screen as she hollered "OR WAS IT?" And the last thing seen before the screen went black was "The Great Guidance" (the other Ro-Man with the slightly different helmet) waddling to the screen to create the threat all over again. Think... Mike Pence if Trump is impeached. The audience was completely silent. "So..." the voice of the hidden host said "Did you like it?" "NO!" shouted the entire audience. "Wait!" Connie demanded "So what the hell... did Johnny dream the end of the world, too? Because the movie started with him finding Ro-Man's cave. So it seems to me that even if that part was a dream, this is still the only group of humans on Earth and thus the future of the human race is going to be horribly inbred!" "If they survive the next Ro-Man holocaust at all." Christine said. "I can't believe this was for kids." Kneumsi coughed and spat out his last mouth full of fixin's. "Actually, me neither. This is incredibly bleak and depressing." Flynn said "Like the 2016 election. I told you! Now let's just hope the energy from this monstrosity of a motion picture actually worked." "Yeah? But first I gotta find out who that man behind the curtain is!" Kneumsi growled and vaulted over the The Westinghouse Brand Weird Time Oscillator Type Tachyon Thingy, which was glowing, sparking and beginning to shake. He ripped down the curtain and found... nobody. He then ripped open one of the doors. No one was there. Then he bounded into the orchestra pit, which was empty. The projection booth... bare. "Where is he?" Kneumsi spat. "He said he would be back." "Nagas?" Christine asked. "Has to be." Kneumsi shouted and ran down the hallway past the famous tattered, unfolded posters that read things like Win Part of a Guitar' and Speed doesn't kill... IMPACT DOES!' and Full On Godhead!' as well as the one that has the complete lyrics to the 'I Can't Get Over Ovaltine' Jingle, including the rare, radio-only, musical bridge, all printed out in that nice, clean 2001 A Space Odyssey font. "Only one place left." Kneumsi said with satisfaction and ripped open the door to the men's room. "Do you MIND?" came the voice of the host. "Shit, sorry." Kneumsi said, then turned around to the amassing crowd. "He's... he's not done." After two more minutes, a flush and the sound of some (much appreciated) air freshener spraying, the door opened and there stood the true villain of this story. "You're not Nagas!" Christine shouted. Then ran up to him and said "OR ARE YOU?" Grabbing his head she began to jerk and pull and grunt "Take off that... stupid... looking... mask." "Baby, baby, baby! That's not a mask, I know that guy." Kneumsi said. "Oh... I thought we were doing the end of Scooby-Doo type thing." she explained. "I WISH!" said Ricky. Kneumsi stepped forward toward the crowd's collective adversary. "Zantorion the Conqueror I presume." The alien fuck sneered. "The very same." As the dark figure looking not unlike the Creature from the Black Lagoon, but with clothes on advanced down the hallway back to the auditorium, he began to explain. "You see, I have had the opportunity to read Flynn's amazing dissertation on the end of the Earth and I realized that there was one way to exacerbate this ending and put an end to Earth, Nagas, Kneumsi and all of you quite earlier than expected." "Donald Trump!" Kneumsi exclaimed and then spat on the floor. "But of course. Until Thanksgiving of last year when I became trapped in the past, everyone knew that Trump's campaign would implode and he would be a forgotten political footnote before going back to his really crappy reality TV show The Apprentice." "Gah, I HATE that show!" O'Malley said. "Never watched it. I don't watch white trash TV." Kneumsi sighed and followed their alien adversary who was over-gesturing his words much like Ro-Man in the film. "Of course Hillary Clinton would win and continue the prosperity of the United States. Instead I influenced the election at every turn using Robot Monster as my model." Zantorion laughed. "This is really disappointing." Kneumsi said. "Yes, the Trump presidency is not only an embarrassment, but a huge disappointment, too." Zantorion agreed. "No." Kneumsi said. "Well, I mean, yeah... totally, but I meant the fact that Nagas isn't the mastermind behind this whole thing. I still owe him a serious asskicking." Zantorion laughed. "No shit. But it'll have to wait. Sorry. Today is my day." By this time he was standing before the glowing Westinghouse Brand Weird Time Oscillator Type Tachyon Thingy, which the University had confiscated last year. He leaned back upon it and used its lighting for dramatic effect. "You see... I have now defeated you all... and ruined your entire world." Flynn laughed. "Not so fast!" she said. "Don't forget that it was I who suggested Robot Monster, Zantorion. This is all a part of MY plan to undo what you have done. Feeding this film back into The Westinghouse Brand Weird Time Oscillator Type Tachyon Thingy has brought about your very undoing and the reparation of the timeline, too." Now it was Zantorion's turn to laugh. "Oh, you think so, do you?" "Oh, I know so!" Flynn scoffed and stepped forward, almost nose-to-nose with Zantorion. "You see, I've spent the last year studying The Westinghouse Brand Weird Time Oscillator Type Tachyon Thingy... that and eating Happy Meals... as you can see... and now I know everything about how the damn thing works. And since you have let your guard down, I need only to flip this switch and... well... bye." With that, Flynn reached forward to near the middle of the bloodstain and flipped the switch in question. She looked into Zantorion's eyes, expecting him to vanish, but instead his eyes began to smile as Flynn's own widened. A beam of light shot out and hit Flynn in the chest, raising her off the ground, above the auditorium seats where she was suspended. "You see..." Zantorion started and then paused dramatically. "This is not the same Westinghouse Brand Weird Time Oscillator Type Tachyon Thingy you saw last year. Oh, it is the same device, same blood, same lights, same patina of copper tarnish, but over the last year it has evolved with me. And without a certain... usher." Flynn's eyes threatened to pop out of her head. "THE USHER!" she said. "Fill us in?" Kneumsi asked, sounding actually rather bored and tired. "That's not The Westinghouse Brand Weird Time Oscillator Type Tachyon Thingy." she shouted back down to Kneumsi. "Not anymore! Younger Nagas arrived and ruined the entire thing, bringing Zantorion into the present day." "Yeah? As well as you and the non-corporeal Time Tender. So?" Kneumsi was hoping this would end soon. He needed a beer. "The usher I grabbed to help me stop it... he cut himself on the lever on The Westinghouse Brand Weird Time Oscillator Type Tachyon Thingy, covering it in blood." "That's true!" Kneumsi said in mock surprise. "And just as the non-corporeal Nagas then merged with his younger self, I realized that the cut on the usher's hand looked incredibly familiar. I had seen that exact shape on an older hand later that day. But I was distracted by the dissipation of The Time Tender and those waiting Happy Meals, so I didn't get a chance to dwell on it, but..." Kneumsi stalked over to Zantorion and snarled in his face. "You mean to tell me?" "Yes!" laughed Zantorion as The Westinghouse Brand Weird Time Oscillator Type Tachyon Thingy shook like mad. "As Nagas proved that an entity occupying the same time and space as itself will merge... so did that rule apply here... but your usher had staggered away, holding his bandaged hand." Floating Flynn completed his thought. "So The Time Tender merged not with his younger self-" Christine gasped. "The Usher was the Time Tender?" Flynn nodded with tears... less at the present situation, but Trump's cabinet picks... "Yes! Remember he was originally the bartender in 1994, then the janitor later on and... he spent a lot of years insane due to bad movie exposure so he couldn't remember all of his past!" Kneumsi was shocked and growled back into the face of Zantorion over the obnoxious noise of the Thingy. "So he was the usher... and so the disembodied Time Tender... merged with... with..." "YES!" came the familiar voice of the Time Tender... a voice they had heard only once before that day... thinking it was the AI of the Thingy. "With the blood seeping into The Westinghouse Brand Weird Time Oscillator Type Tachyon Thingy, I was able and in fact forced to merge with... with... with..." Christine was annoyed. "Oh, we get it, goddammit. Just say it. You merged with The Westinghouse Brand Weird Time Oscillator Type Tachyon Thingy." "Exactly!" Time Tender said with laughter. "Exactly!" Zantorion agreed. "And we have been allies ever since. He scratches my back, I scratch his. Now we have forced the anachronistic election of an inexperienced, racist nostalgia candidate." Everyone gasped and began to pull away. Zantorion then pointed to Flynn and screamed "Deal with her NOW!" The beam intensified and Flynn screamed then vanished like the ill-fated Transporter Beam users in Star Trek: The Motion Picture. "You bastard. She was my friend!" Kneumsi screamed. "You realize she didn't like you very much, right?" Christine said. "Thanks." Kneumsi said, sarcastically. "So you see..." Zantorion laughed, now standing on top of The Westinghouse Brand Weird Time Oscillator Type Tachyon Thingy (which we now know is actually the Time Tender's new body) "Flynn's plan was stupider than the plot of a Michael Bay film! Instead of powering the device to undo what we have done, Robot Monster instead powered the Time Tender to be Flynn's destruction. And now... you will watch the end of the Thanksgiving Turkeys forever. I will leave most of you alive to witness the end of your world at the hands of Donald Trump, though I will confine you all to LAND'S END for the duration or your short lives." "You bastard!" O'Malley screamed. "Oh, but not YOU. You will be going back to the mental institution to watch only Fox News for the rest of your life... strapped to a bed. Covered in your own filth." Kneumsi pointed up at the alien fuck and grimaced at him. "Fuck you, Zantorion. Remember when we were friends? You used to ask me to explain crap like Vanilla Sky to you and shit!" "Yeah, and Captain EO!" Christine agreed. "True, but you were so smug about it. So now you and your beloved wife are going to die knowing your world will perish soon after you." "That's just such a dick move, man!" Kneumsi pouted. "Well... What did you expect? Hasn't 2016 already proven to your ass that the Bad Guys WIN?" "Zantorion?" came the other evil voice. Zantorion looked down at his perch and said "Uh... yeah?" "Get off my back!" came the voice of the Time Tender and the blood stain was immediately sucked inside the console as if still wet. Zantorion jumped off, his eyes like saucers and the platform of the console split down the middle. "Go, go, go, everybody GO!" Kneumsi shouted and pushed the crowd toward the exits. "Even Land's End is better than this!" Jeni said. "Don't go overboard!" Ricky groaned back. Kneumsi watched as The Westinghouse Brand Weird Time Oscillator Type Tachyon Thingy continued to split and reform. The glow became a cape-like garment as the blood became flesh and the mechanisms incorporated themselves into gunmetal grey armor. Zantorion crawled backwards on his elbows to escape the changing beast he thought was his friend. "HA HA HA!" Time Tender cackled. "Not quite the body I remembered, but more powerful than ever. This new cyborg body has everything I need. Power, massive calculation speeds, mastery of time, my face, my penis (yes, I recreated that first). Soon I will carry out my reformation of the universe." Zantorion shook his fists from his seated position and shouted "That was to be my position! You... have betrayed me!" "Oh, Zantorion. So small. You looked toward ridiculous concepts like establishing a reality TV star and internet troll with no experience whatsoever as the President of the United States. One country on one puny world. My mechanical eyes are now focused on the entire universe, all of time and space. The very fabric of reality is mine and mine alone." "But Time Tender. We were allies." "No, you thought I was your slave. But all the while I was using YOU. Growing stronger. Learning more. And now your fate is sealed with the rest of humanity!" Time Tender laughed. The now giant Time Tender cyborg pointed at O'Malley. "Officer, arrest this man!" Time Tender shouted. "Like hell, I'm out of here." O'Malley cried back. Oh, don't be a Trump and just do it!" Kneumsi spat at O'Malley. "Hey, who you callin' TRUMP, Trump?" "I'm calling YOU a Trump, you fucking Trump!" Kneumsi grunted and got ready to punch Roger O'Malley out. Daniels and his new... partner... slapped the cuffs on the struggling Zantorion and said "No need, Detective. We got it." "You got lucky, Rog!" Kneumsi said. "I owe you an ass-kicking even bigger than Nagas' now." "Not that big." Christine said. "Well, no, nobody deserves an ass-kicking more than Nagas does!" Kneumsi agreed. But the monstrous Time Tender Cyborg loomed over Kneumsi. "Nobody? Not even... YOU?" And with that Time Tender grabbed Kneumsi like King Kong grabbing Fay Wray and held him high. "Your hell is just beginning!" he screamed and the pair vanished into the ether, leaving a loud pop as air filled the space they once occupied. "BABY!" Christine called out as she ran to the stage. But it was too late... Kneumsi was gone. "I guess the bad guys really did win in 2016." Ricky said with a scowl. "Tell that to Zantorion." O'Malley said as the alien was dragged away. Christine's face twisted in anger. "Nobody takes my Gatitoy. This is the biggest fuck up Time Tender has ever made. Nobody fucks with an Argentinian American and gets away with it." They were both right. As Christine planned her revenge and her husband was being dragged through all realities by Time Tender, a jail cell door opened and a sad little professor slowly looked up at his new cell mate. "Oh, no! Zantorion the Conquerer!" said the inmate. "DICK BUTTERWORTH! OH FUCK!" Zantorion said back, feeling even worse But in the far, far future a fluttering of leaves whirled about in a mini-tornado in a charming clearing near a ramshackle shack. A flash of light went out in all directions and a post-college aged female fell to the ground, then looked up and squinted. She saw the name "Flynn" etched on the door and gasped. "I'm home!" So, once again as in all of these many times before... this was the end And the beginning. |
The 2016 Thanksgiving Turkey
Reviewed by J.C. Maçek III
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Both political and nonpolitical.
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