Troll 2 (1990)
(Release Date: October 03, 1990 [Germany])
(USA Release Date: July 22, 1992 [Straight to Video, of course])

AKA: Trolli (Italy)
AKA: Troll II (Video Box Title)
AKA: Trolls (Alternate English Title)
AKA: Goblins (Working Title)

Uncarvable BULLSHIT?


J.C. Maçek III... 

J.C. Maçek III
The World's Greatest Critic!

[Continued from the 2008 Thanksgiving Turkey!!!]

"Where are they?" came a raspy voice from the well-lit darkness.

"Don't worry, they'll show!" came a second voice not unlike that of an angry clown with a Helium addiction and a chest cold. "There is no way in Heaven, Hell, Heck or Limbo that they could miss out on getting this vital package. Not after what they put us through to get it!"

True to the Angry, Keyed-up and ailed clown's word, four shadowy figures emerged from the twisted, beaded, braided, thorny brush and posed dramatically as quartets of mysterious silhouettes of dangerous men tend to do more often than not. As their rousing orchestral entrance theme faded one of the four struck a match along his thumbnail and lit a king dope fucking stogie, briefly illuminating the four.

First Nagas came into view in his white-on-red armor, still posing like the cover of Superman #1. Next, the match-lighter materialized with a sneer. It was Lieutenant Roger O'Malley, squinting with anger against his smoldering cigar and glaring at the two kidnappers. To his left was a young, but hardened man in a worn, pin-striped suit and one of those lame-ass sticky nametags that read "Hello, my name... RICKY!", seemingly completely oblivious to the fact that it was missing the word "Is". Lastly, just before the round glow of the match died, the kidnappers could see a grim visaged woman looking to the side. She wore a grey cape and hood, pulled back to reveal her brown hair and a futuristic breath mask hung unused around her neck. Had they looked very closely they might have seen the nameplate on the mask read "Flynn" in a rather charming font.

"Man, you guys are WEIRD looking!" said the first kidnapper.

"Thanks." muttered Nagas. "Have you our query?" he then said in a lofty, demanding voice.

The second kidnapper laughed. "You didn't sound that dorky on the phone, man! You're Nagas, right?"

With those words, Nagas realized that he must have been "doing that thing" again. This made him straighten up self-consciously and dust his scratched armor off, just to have something to do. "Yeah, and I guess that makes you Scrotum?"

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I truly wish I was there now and could look into your eyes and say 'We'll Always Have Paris'!

The brigand looked annoyed. "No, that's 'Schroeder', not 'Scrotum'."

"But he gets that a lot!" the other kidnapper guffawed, showcasing his drawl as he did.

"No, I do not... Damn it... Okay, this is my cousin Percy-"

"Call me 'STONE', that's my-"

"Shutup, it's Percy!"

Nagas looked even more uncomfortable, if that was even possible. "Meetcha." he muttered. "Have you got the package or not?" He resisted the urge to add "with your punk ass!"

Schroeder smiled and shined his flashlight to the clearing to his right, illuminating the figure of a man tied to a wooden kitchen chair with a charming floral pattern on the cushioned seat. The man's head was bowed and his face was covered with a burlap sack. "Is that what you're looking for?"

"Show me his face." Flynn said flatly, but with the subtle allure of a woman in the full flower of early middle age. You know, poised and confident. "I need to know."

Scrotum Schroeder motioned for Percy to go and do likewise. And with a quick untie and a harsh jerk of the burlap, the prisoner was unmasked. Slowly the head raised and the sarcastically smiling puss of the Dread Kneumsi was revealed. Though both hands were tied out of sight, all six onlookers were quite sure that they were being flipped off by at least one of Kneumsi's middle fingers.

Flynn looked at Nagas inquisitively. Nagas narrowed his eyes, studying the face. "He's fifteen years older than when I last saw him!"

"That's him, trust me!" said O'Malley.

"Really?" Ricky asked. "The guy I remember was really fat."

Kneumsi darted his gaze toward Ricky and made up a sinister looking face. "Ricky, isn't it? Yes... I remember you like the Ghost of Thanksgiving's Past! Tell me... how did you escape those crazy uccelli assassini?"

"What?" Percy asked.

"It's Italian.", Flynn answered. "It means 'Killing Birds'!"

Ricky gulped and turned away.

Kneumsi continued. "Then that must make you O'Malley. Ha. Say, shouldn't you be arresting Ricky, then?"

"Eventually.", said O'Malley. "But you first!"

"Whoa-ho-ho! As I remember, you tried that once. Last time I saw your forlorn frown you were being fed meds by a psyche nurse on a crappy mental ward. How'd that work out for you?" Kneumsi laughed and looked to the armored man. "Now you, I'll never forget... I never forget a face... Mister... Nagas! How's your momma and them?"

Nagas rolled his eyes.

"But you!", Kneumsi said to the woman. "I don't know you! Clearly if you're with these idiots you have me at a disadvantage. So... are you, busy later, maybe we could, um..."

"Please put the bag back on his head!" begged Flynn. Percy complied.

Nagas cleared his throat and growled out his most authoritative "Let's get this party started."

"Not so fast, Future-Man!", said Schro-Schro. "There's still the little matter of our payment."

Nagas nodded. "Of course. Flynn?" As Flynn walked forward with a locked, metal briefcase, Nagas' curiosity got the better of him. "I have to ask... how did you manage to capture the Elusive Kneumsi?"

Percy scoffed. "Easy! We pretended to be Margi Newton and sent him a message on Facebook!"

"That's brilliant!" Nagas agreed, taking the case from Flynn. "Not sure why nobody else ever thought of that. Anyway... here you are!"

Schroeder opened the case as it rested on Nagas' hands and forearms and his eyes widened to the approximate size of DVDs. "At last!" He opened the binder inside and flipped through page by page of plastic-held trading cards. "The complete Garbage Pail Kids. I can die happy now!"

"Bubblegum cards?" Percy, Ricky and O'Malley demanded in Unison, almost drowning out Kneumsi's own exclamation of "COOL!"

"Nice doing business with you gentlemen... and Lady!" Schroeder said and ushered Percy out of the clearing and home to discuss the relative merits of "Punchy Perry" versus "Luke Warm"!

As they departed to follow their adventure, at once uber-nerdy and pathetically outdated, Flynn stepped forward and shook her head in disgust. "Shall we get this revolting business over with now?"

Kneumsi's muffled voice agreed from beneath the scratchy-ass cowl which so recently had held some really tasty russet potatoes.

O'Malley jerked the burlap hood from Kneumsi's head once again to give him a really cold-ass look.

Nagas joined O'Malley and spoke in his best, most booming voice to Kneumsi "I suppose you're wondering why we had you dragged here this cold November morning."

"Not really!"

"I don't like him." Flynn mumbled.

Nagas paused, pensively. "Fifteen years ago by your timeline, you sent me back to my own time, only to find that my very future was changed by your nightmarishly evil machinations."

"I don't remember that!" Kneumsi said.

"Shut up, you!", Ricky shouted, clearly realizing he hadn't said anything in like three minutes.

Nagas continued. "But what you didn't realize is that even in the dystopia you trapped me in I was still able to re-invent both Marinara-flavored Schnapps... AND... THE TIME MACHINE!"

"Bullshit!" Kneumsi laughed.

"Okay, you got me, another time-traveler showed up and I bonked him over the head with a crate of Ham Dingers." Nagas admitted. "But that's not important right now. I had to instantly travel back to the past. My thoughts were of nothing but porn, blue cheese malt shakes and... REVENGE! REVENGE against you. The only question was... what form must that revenge take?"

"Unfortunately he had travelled forward in time first." Flynn said.

"Well..." Nagas paused again. "Yeah, I didn't really know how that machine worked. I mean, history had been all mushed up, and all. Anyway..."

"Anyway..." Flynn continued. "That's how he met me, Earth's last guardian after you helped fuck the planet up."

"I did? No!"

"Yes. And together we realized that with the technology that Nagas had stolen and with me explaining to him how the damned thing worked-"

"She's smart!", Nagas conceded.

"- we could change the past back to the way it should be. Without the influence of Can't Stop the Music or The Birds II or even Jaws: The Revenge!"

Nagas added. "That's not even mentioning The Executioner, part II!"

Suddenly Kneumsi looked indignant. "Dude, that one was YOUR idea!"

"We knew we had to stop you and we knew just the day to do it, too!"

"Thanksgiving!" said Ricky in a tone so often reserved for words like "Supplemental Tax Invoice!"

O'Malley matched Ricky's voice, saying "The Thanksgiving Turkey!"

Nagas paced before the trapped Critic. "But what form should the revenge take? Why in the form of yet another Turkey, of course. To this end, Flynn and I rescued both Ricky and O'Malley from the timestream and brought them here, now, tonight to celebrate, all of us, together and to bid you farewell as you drown in your own medicine, my hated enema, Kneumsi!"

Kneumsi frowned. "Please tell me you meant 'Enemy'!"

"You see," continued Nagas, "We've read your reviews and we know that there are certain films that can hurt even you... and after much scrutiny, dunning, vetting and bloodletting we think we've found just the film to torture you with."

Kneumsi shook his head. "You can't torture me with a movie. You could shoot me off into space and show me bad movies every day, but all I'd do is take the special parts of the ship and create robot friends to entertain me and help me make fun of those movies and-"

"That's been done." all four enemies said at once.


Nagas bowed to Kneumsi's eye level to continue. "Besides, we DID find the perfect film for our little experiment!"

"Good luck! Trying to torture me with a bad movie is like throwing Br'er Rabbit into the briar patch! Never happen." Kneumsi sneered, looking MUCH more like The Joker than that Ledger kid ever could have. Then, directing his gaze directly at Nagas, he added "You Sheep Pimp!"

"Funny, that's exactly what O'Malley and Ricky said.", Flynn said, still looking every bit the cynic.

Nagas quickly added "About not being able to torture you with a bad movie, not about me being a Sheep Pimp! Ricky, O'Malley, let's do this thing." And as the Gangster and the Cop grabbed Kneumsi's wooden chair and dragged him through the brush and dust, Nagas continued with a scientific glee. "Yes, we've found a film that is so vile it is reviled the world over as one of the worst ever made!"

Kneumsi looked up and widened his eyes. "Please let it be Showgirls! Please let it be Showgirls! Please let it be Showgirls!"

His reverie was interrupted only by his chair bumping over the threshold of some busted-ass building in the middle of the woods, equal parts Blair Witch cabin and Nightmare On Elm Street 2 Concrete Factory.

"We're here." Flynn advised.

"Thank you, Flynn. No, Kneumsi, you won't be having any such fun today. Ha ha ha! Far from it. In fact this is a film so putrid, so cancerous, so malignant that even YOU have avoided it."


"Is it now? Does the name 'Claudio Fragasso' mean anything to you?"


"Well then, how about... Wait, did you mean 'No, the name means nothing to me, Nagas, you handsome man!' or did you mean 'NO, anything but that, I'm filled both fear and revulsion, you sadistic time traveler!'?"

"Um... the latter one... mostly."

"Right then! How about the name Rossella Drudi?"

"Oh no, NOT HER!"

"And if I added to the mix a little Sun Dried Joe D'Amato?"

Kneumsi's voice was barely over a whisper as he said "No... please, no!"

O'Malley stepped forward and hissed "Yes! For years you've been torturing audiences year after year on Thanksgiving... NOW you will see how it feels with a movie even you have avoided like Gay Porn! NOW the tables are turned!"

With a JERK, O'Malley turned Kneumsi's chair to the opposite wall where there hung a tattered bedsheet, pulled tight to receive the projection. But what caught Kneumsi's eye were the other spectators there around the screen, not looking to where the movie would be shown, but staring straight at Kneumsi himself. Most of them had been Thanksgiving Guests from previous years. A few had been ex-girlfriends and then there was...

"Ricardo! What the hell are you doing here?" Kneumsi asked in shock.

Ricardo shrugged. "I told you we had only one take to do the blood splash in Guillotine Guys, but you cracked up anyway, man. Do you know the setup that went into that scene and you cracked up as soon as the blood hit your face, man? I'm sorry, I'm just pissed."

"Aw, man. Dick Move."

Ricardo shrugged again. "Oh, and they want me to tell you what the movie is, too, because they all want to see the look on your face, too!"

"Well, the joke's on them, dude... I've seen all the Fried-Green D'Amato, Fragged-Asshole, Dootie movies ever made." Kneumsi's obnoxious, cheek-bone rich grin fell quickly to a pout as he added "Haven't I?"

"I don't know. It's... It's Troll 2!"

Kneumsi's eyes widened again with a look that implied a deep, yet growing Nausea! "Troll 2? No, not that one! Dick Move! Well, still... Fragasso, D'Amato, Drudi... surely there will at least be something worth while... um... visually!"

"Sorry, dude." muttered Ricardo, flatly. "I checked IMDB... no nudity."

"NO NUDI-? Dick Move!"

Nagas pointedly responded "Yes, you see we did investigate deeply to give you the one film that would be the most painful! You've counted on only nerds and lonely European expatriates reading your idiotic website so that you can torture the guilty with horrid films... but we suffered through your terrible writing, misspelled words and obscure references to calculate that the one film that would truly violate your brain like a former Kabuki Drag actor in the shower at a Men's Prison!"

Ricardo added "Yeah, especially the misspelled words and... Nagas, you're starting to sound like him."

Kneumsi sadly nodded. "This is true... I mean look how long this damned thing is and we haven't even gotten to a review yet!"

Nagas laughed. "Well, then! ASK AND YE SHALL RECEIVE! Ladies and Gentlemen! Safety goggles!"

Kneumsi watched as his villainous captors applied light-locking eyeware and stuffed plugs into their ears. Ricardo shrugged again, forewent the safety gear and started the film.

"TROLL 2!!!" shouted Nagas with GLEE! And with that... the film started.

Kneumsi was aghast and he had one of those really annoying itches on the back of his scalp. You know the kind that only seemed to come up when one had one's hands tied behind one's back to a wooden kitchen chair? Which, for Kneumsi, was happening a lot more than one might expect.

Kneumsi's first shock came when the MGM Lion appeared on the screen. "There is no WAY that MGM had anything to do with this!" Kneumsi screamed, but was met only with silence. As the lion's roar faded to just as much silence the world Filmirage took the screen and Kneumsi sighed "Oh, Filmirage! That's more like it!"

The film continued to unspool before him and the minor hope that he received by seeing that the film was credited to a "Drake Floyd" was quickly dashed by the memory that Drake Floyd was one of many, many pseudonyms that Claudio Fragasso had used over the years to cover up the fact that he was, in fact, Claudio Fragasso, filmdom's version of the drunk waiter who can't get your order right.

The next moment was a shock to Kneumsi in the way that any number of reported injustices can be major shocks to innocent people as they read about them in The Economist! Laura Gemser was credited as the costume designer. "Laura Gemser? The incredibly hot erotic actress who has appeared in porn and soft-core porn alike is the costume designer in this thing? She's always naked and she designed the costumes... in a movie with no nudity?"

Nagas laughed. "The credits aren't even over yet and you're already suffering? You know she did do the costuming in La Casa 5, too, you know."

"Yeah, well it was a cruel joke then and it's a cruel joke now."

"But you haven't even SEEN the costumes yet!", Ricky laughed, remembering how Kneumsi had tortured him years before with The Birds II: Land's End, before nearly killing him.

Kneumsi winced as the costumes did come into focus. Costumes that might only be designed by someone who rarely wore clothes. A Goblin Hoard paraded across the screen in burlap clothes, not unlike Kneumsi's own scratchy hood and rubber masks that kept the same frozen expression that any given rubber Halloween mask might have. "Oh good LORD! She doesn't know much about clothing, does she?" He tried not to think of the douchebag who was somehow dressed up like Robin Hood.

Even more painful was the scene that unfolded next concerning said Goblin Hoard turning said Robin Hood clad fucker into a plant with a magical serum... simply because they wanted to eat him and they were vegetarians. This is in spite of the fact that the scene takes place in a woodland area with plenty of plants all around.

Kneumsi looked to Ricardo and asked to be killed.

Nagas laughed, absently.

Kneumsi glanced at an apparently working clock on the wall and was shocked to see that he was only five minutes into the damned thing. This fact was made all the worse by the fact that the idiotic story was almost immediately interrupted by some douchebag grandpa reading this story to his douchebag grandson in a pathetic ripoff of or tribute to The Princess Bride. Worse it turned out that even though Grandpa Seth (Robert Ormsby) was reading the stupid Goblin story to Joshua (Michael Stephenson), Grandpa had died a while back and was now either an imaginary friend or a ghostly presence. Who cares, though, anyway?

As soon as that horrible moment was revealed Kneumsi was given the reprieve of Joshua's older sister Holly (Connie Young) in her tiny little workout gear. "Nudity or no Nudity, I've always had a 'thing' for '80s style chicks in '80s style workout clothes! This might not be so bad after all!" Kneumsi said.

"Yes it will!" Nagas advised. "Watch!"

And with that, Holly's Douchebag boyfriend came in through the window with his even dorkier friends. Kneumsi always hated that horror trend of pairing up hot chicks with dorky guys! "What was that intended to enhance the horror or what?" he asked into the ether! The expository scene between Sweet Holly and her lucky, yet idiotic beau gave Kneumsi the ridiculous expository scene that writers Drudi and Fragasso clearly felt the audience needed. Apparently the family is on his way to a getaway vacation to a nowhere town called "Nilbog" and that she was dying for her stupid moron boyfriend to come too.

Then the film did something shocking and revealed that the boyfriend didn't go. "Oh LORD!"

It didn't take a genius (or even a mid-level retard) to figure out that Nilbog is "Goblin" spelled backwards and that ghost grandpa had been telling the truth about all of these monstrous, yet poorly dressed creatures in his stories. Joshua figures out quickly that his family is destined to be turned into plants and, thus, eaten... because apparently plants that were once meat are better than eating either plants or meat.

"I hate this movie." Kneumsi muttered.

"YES!" shouted Nagas!

Things went from bad to worse as Kneumsi witnessed such horrible scenes as Joshua urinating on dinner because he was sure it was tainted with that crap that turns people into plants, Holly's boyfriend and his crew following her to town only to become veggie burgers for Goblins and a literally "Corny" sex scene between the dorkiest of the dorks and an erstwhile attractive witchy bitch named "Creedence Leonore Gielgud" (Deborah Reed)!

The rest of the film would have been predictable if there weren't so damned many surprises about how incredibly low the film could get. Bad jokes, horrible acting from Joshua's dad Michael (George Hardy) and mom Diana (Margo Prey) and everyone else, horribly contrived character names, like Sheriff Gene Freak (Gary Carlson) and some of the worst lines ever written.

Kneumsi ran some of the lines over in his head and found them to be the textual opposite of Excedrin:

  • "We'll be forced to kill you VIOLENTLY!"
  • "If my father discovers you here, he'd cut off your little nuts and eat them. He can't stand you."
  • "Grandpa! Are you really in Hell?"
  • "There's no coffee in Nilbog. It's the devil's drink."
  • "They're eating my mom!"
  • "These evil creatures can transform themselves into fleas-and-blood people whenever and however they want."

The credits finally rolled and Kneumsi felt ill, especially as the ending had been seen a thousand times in other, better films.

"Well? How do you feel?" demanded Nagas.

Kneumsi looked up as if roused from unconsciousness after being beaten up by Ralph Nader. "Well, let's see... a gene freak named Gene Freak, lines so bad a Coke Addict wouldn't snort them, a wardrobe designed by a nude model, special effects by the completely inept and more rip-offs in one film than in an entire documentary series about Velcro? Not even to mention that there was no connection to 1986's Troll and no actual mention of even the word "Troll" in the entire film! Well, I don't feel very good, Nagas. I don't feel very good at all!"

"And, of course... Joe D'Amato and friends."

"Ugh!", said Kneumsi. "That sounds like a cartoon show for satanic children!"

Nagas laughed. Had he really finally prevented the future he so feared? "You look broken! Defeated! Enraptured by intellectual anguish!"

Kneumsi paused and cocked his head. "Well it did suck more ass than a donkey pelt vaccuum cleaner and, yeah, I'm hurting in a lot of places I didn't even realize I actually had... but, you know... that was a lot more funny than painful!"

Nagas growled. "Wha- wha- WHAAAAAAAAAAT???"

"Yeah, man, like I said, you might as well throw Br'er Rabbit into the briar patch than torture me with a bad movie." And with that, to the horror of Ricky, Nagas and O'Malley, Kneumsi effortlessly stood up and glared at the trio! The rest of the crowd gasped in shock.

"See, folks, I've been preparing for Troll 2 for some time now." They backed away nervously as Kneumsi advanced toward them. "Fragasso... Drudi... D'Amato... there is no bad movie you can throw at me that I can't thrust right back at you in a most malicious way. Thanksgiving Turkies are MINE, kids. Mine!"

The three men recoiled in horror at their backfiring plan. "But, boss!" said Ricky "We still got our Ace in the Hole, right?"

Nagas opened his mouth to speak, but felt his jaw drop open instead as he saw Ricardo walking up behind Kneumsi with Flynn at his side.

"Ricardo, we ready?" Kneumsi asked.

"Yep. Once I figured out-"

Flynn cleared her throat angrily.

"I mean, once Flynn showed me how the time machine worked, everything fell into place!"

Nagas was in shock. "Flynn, you were with them all along?"

Flynn shrugged. "I was on the fence, but there's no changing History. Besides I don't want to lose my job as Earth's Last Guardian and all."

"Besides, I'm charming!" said Ricardo.

Kneumsi addressed the crowd. "All of you... run, now... or else I might have to give you a special surprise screening of Bruno Mattei's Rats!"

The crowd screamed and scattered like mad. Mattei was a magic word that meant Evil in the language of film.

"And YOU TWO!" Kneumsi addressed Ricky and O'Malley. "Arrest each other... Kill each other... but remember... you'll see me again on any given Thanksgiving!"

They ran away as well, hand in hand like a pair of star-crossed lovers.

Nagas attempted to follow suit, but was stopped by Kneumsi. "I'm sorry, but it's important that you finish this experiment!" Kneumsi said to Nagas.

Nagas sighed and his shoulders slumped. Then he nodded.

"What are you going to do? Kill me?"

"Not exactly, Nagas, not exactly. See fifteen years ago you showed me a bad movie and you caused this... all of this. Now you take 'revenge' on ME because of what YOU did? That makes almost as much sense as the Lesbian Sex scene from Pervert! but massively less pretty! No, I think it's time you took a good look at yourself and got a taste of YOUR own medicine."

Nagas sank to his knees and dreaded the future.

He was dragged to the very time machine that had caused all of this, abandoned by Flynn who subsequently returned to her own time to defend Humanity from its own decline while Ricardo went back to finish up his latest crazy action short film.

And Kneumsi... Kneumsi had the next Christmas Turkey to plan. After all, Troll 2 had more than lived up to its reputation as a true Troll Turkey or, as they're called on a Dog! Could he ever find a worse movie? Who knows... Only time will tell.




Back in Time, Nagas stood up and shook his head. He knew he had been abandoned in time again, but where and when he didn't know. What he did know, however, was that he still lived and could, thus, come back again as he had before. All he needed was a helping hand and he would be back in the timestream once again! Up ahead in the distance, he saw a shimmering light. His head grew heavy and his sight grew dim... he knew he'd have to stop for the night.

By his foot a newspaper blew by. Had he stooped down to look at the date he would have seen that it was November 24, 2005... Thanksgiving Day. Confident in his survival, he ignored the paper, walked forward and knocked on the door before him and it immediately swung open.

An overweight man was there to greet him with a big smile stretching his red goatee. He said "Oh, hello! Welcome to our home. You remember Suzanne... and, of course, Alex. Hugs and kisses all around. Alex, please take our guest's coat and hang it up. Thank you, sweetie! We're so pleased that you could spend this Thanksgiving with us."

Thanksgiving? THANKSGIVING? Then Nagas realized he had heard all of these words before. He now realized the punishment Kneumsi had meted upon him. He was, and had always been, the unseen guest at the table of the first ever Thanksgiving Turkey, the incredibly bad movie called Corpses! A film that, in Nagas' own time, had been used as a BIO WEAPON.

He had come full circle. He had been retconned. He was now a slave to the Thanksgiving Turkey! He had been beaten.

He couldn't beat Kneumsi at this game. He had learned his lesson!

But have YOU yet learned YOUR lesson? This is the fifth new THANKSGIVING TURKEY and each year we have lambasted and broiled a new horrible movie for your viewing terror... never forgetting that on a Turkey... is a Dog, be it Fish, Fowl, Corpse, Executioner or even TROLL. As always... we will continue to need dinner guests... And Kneumsi holds the Invitation List!

Who's next?

Perhaps... YOU?

The end. And the beginning.
[Continued in the 2005 Thanksgiving Turkey...

The Ghosts of Thanksgiving's Past, Present and Future
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Troll 2 (1990) Reviewed by J.C. Maçek III
who is equally responsible for this review focusing more on him than the subject at hand and for the fact that he half-watched both Oliver! and Pervert! while writing this thing!
Got something to say? Write it!

This might not make sense to you if you haven't read the other ones since 2005. If you click on this link, you will be able to read some other ones and see how this brought them all together in an insane way. Flynn was from a Christmas Turkey episode. Nagas was from last year's Thanksgiving Turkey, and now, Retroactively, 2005's. Ricky was from 2006's where the story supposedly began and O'Malley was the cop chasing him in 2007. And you're not chasing me... because you've won my heart. I love you!
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Flynn took a moment to breathe. Breathe and fight the temptation to experience this world of her past that she had spent so much of her life studying. Could she finally taste what a greasy cheeseburger was really like? Maybe take in a first run movie in an actual theatre instead of her futuristic “weird device”? Make some prank calls or even, perhaps, get laid?

She knew that none of these things could happen, though, lest she infect the timeline even further with the virus of her presence. She had to get herself and this stolen time machine back to the far, post-apocalyptic future where she was the only human left living on Earth. Flynn had just dropped Ricardo off at the Margi Newton Towers and had deflected his attempt to get her in bed with a polite “I don’t think so!” No time for such things when she had the charge of the most dangerous piece of ship in all of time and space. No… she would isolate this piece of temporal technology in a place and time that it could no longer do any harm… and maybe she’d turn it into an outhouse or something! It had good plumbing… but what it did with the waste she probably didn’t want to know!

She wouldn’t wonder for long, however, as the electronic door to her cloaked time ship slid open with a greased hiss and a shadowy figure entered. Only Ricardo could have known she was there. He was persistent, she’d give him that much! “What’d you forget?” she asked, barely resisting the urge to sing it like Roger from Rent!

But it wasn’t Ricardo. Before she was fully turned around she felt a really unpleasant gun to her temple (not that she had any pleasant gun memories to compare this to). She gasped as the low voice mumbled “Turn around and set the controls to take us back to your time!”

She had to resist yet another urge to correct the stranger that her time would be “Forward”, not “back” and to add that the stranger was a Dufus. The problem was that she recognized the voice and the barely visible red and white armor he wore. He wasn’t a stranger, he was…


“That’s right, The Dread Nagas, the incredible! Scourge of Time, Necromancer of the Tachyon Stream!”

At Nagas’ idiotic words, Flynn realized she wasn’t too frightened to roll her eyes. Damn, Nagas was a douche! She then asked him “How are you here? We just dropped you off in the past a few minutes ago!”

Nagas cocked the gun and said “Start the machine and take us to your time, Future-Woman!” He was a verbose, sanctimonious douche. “And don’t try to take me elsewhere. Remember, I drove this Miraculous Machine of Millennia to your time… I know its settings.”

“Um, hello, you accidentally ended up in my time and I had to show you how this gum machine works in the first place!”

“Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, we all know… just step on it, sister.” He said in annoyance, then mumbled something about “Every fucking time I try to sound cool somebody fucks it all up to fucking fucked-ville!”

Flynn complied, grudgingly as she would have if someone had asked her to make her grandmother’s famous Lamb Fritters which, to her, tasted not unlike used pelican ass. She knew not to take Nagas anywhere else but her time… anywhen else might fuck up the time stream like… Lamb Fritters!

“I presume you have a question…” Nagas asked as the ship raced through oceans and eons and googols of time (and only about forty-six miles of space).


Then Nagas sat next to her and she realized his usually carefully cropped hair and cleanly shaven face had been replaced by a mane that Aslan would tip his hat to and a beard thicker than anything Sauruman or Gandalf could ever sport in fantasy or reality and his formerly shining armor was now cracked and scratched with the red rubber connectors breaking and hanging free in their faded and aged way. “I was hoping you’d ask me that.”

Flynn regretted the question already!

“You dropped me in the past a few minutes ago by your timing, yes, but it was three years ago by my accounting!” he informed her.

“SHUT UP!” Flynn said loudly.

“No, it’s true!”

“Oh, I believe you… I can tell by your look and smell that you’ve had a shitty three years… I just really want you to stop talking, so please shut up!”

Nagas shook his head. “I still have the gun, sweetheart, you listen or I DRIVE!”

Flynn gave one of those shrugs that went all the way down to her hands and gave up.

“You don’t know the shock I felt, arriving at the original 2006 Thanksgiving Turkey, forced to endure Corpses with that fat guy and his family. I ran away before the Purina Dog Show. I’m from the future, sent to the past to right wrongs, went back to the future, found I had made it worse, forward to your time, then back to today. I’d seen a lot of terrible things, but I was completely unprepared to be RETCONNED like that. To think that all this time, I was the original Turkey Guest!”

“You’re half right.” Flynn muttered.

“What was that?”

“I said ‘you’ve seen the light!’”

“You don’t know the HALF of it, Pepsi! I was destroyed… devoured by time. I had to find my way back to becoming the hero I always knew I was. So what could I do? Kill Kneumsi? No! That would create a time paradox. I kill him in 2006, so he doesn’t make it to 2009, so I’m not sent to the past, so I don’t kill him, so he makes it to 2009 and-“

“Look, I watched Season 5 of Lost, I get it!”


“Yes, even in the far future, post-apocalyptic Earth, we all know that Lost is the greatest show of all time!”

“Right. So, no, I couldn’t do that… I could only wait and bide my time… I read every insipid word that goofball of a critic wrote, and let me tell you, he is most certainly not the ‘World’s Greatest’!”

“On that, we agree!”

“And I attended every Thanksgiving Turkey since… hiding incognito, working hard to not be recognized or noticed. One would think that someone might have thought a guy in bulky white tachyon resistant armor would be out of place, but I guess I was conveniently ignored. I wasn’t even mentioned in the reviews!”

“Sort of like how the camera ‘conveniently’ didn’t light on Nikki or Paulo throughout the whole first season of Lost even though, supposedly, they were there the whole time, just out of the shot?”

“Yes, actually. Wow, GOOD REFERENCE!”

“Thanks, I love that show!”

“Indeed. But, yeah, just like that! Every Turkey until THIS one… where I had to remain out of sight so that I wouldn’t meet my other self and ruin everything. Three years just to take back my time ship… and now my revenge is complete… I will roll back in time to Thanksgiving, 2010 and at last prevent the future!”

“Yeah? Good luck with that!”

“Thanks… we’re here. Get out and go back to doing your… whatever you do!”

Flynn exited the craft at gunpoint, still on her guard. “You’re not going to kill me?” she asked, standing in the leafy clearing near her shanty.

“Kill you, Flynn? No, of course not… Don’t you understand? I’m the GOOD GUY!!!”, Nagas said with a self-assured, dangerous smile, breaking up his now-haggard and weathered appearance!

And with that, the door slammed and the craft swirled out of existence, at least in Flynn’s time. “The good guy? Not if you fragment the time stream you’re not!”

Flynn ran inside and rummaged through her belongings, desperately searching for her Westinghouse brand “Weird Device”. Thankfully she had found the blinking last remnants of “The Internet Archive” and had backed up the entire thing (in the future a handheld computer like Flynn’s Weird Device stores about six hundred billion terabytes of data all on a storage medium about the size of your dog’s toenail clippings)!

Flynn rushed through the generations of data to find’s 2010 Thanksgiving Turkey and began to read to find out what Nagas had done in the past (instead of re-watching more episodes of Lost). Would Flynn even recognize if things had changed or would any change affect her memories as well? She was mildly stunned to note that the first word in the article was her own name… She skipped down past the first several paragraphs and began to read…
[Continued in the 2005 Thanksgiving Turkey...
And in the 2010 Thanksgiving Turkey!!!]