AKA: Satan (1974) - USA Literal Title
AKA: Turkish Exorcist (1974) - USA Informal/ Bootleg title
The Devil is in the Details...
And nobody involved with this film understood any of the details.
THE FAR FLUNG AND FAR OUT FUTURE BEYOND FUTURES (in short... even later than last time): It had been a hell of a couple of years for Flynn. The poor lady had written her deeply disturbing doctoral thesis on the end of the world we call Earth and had named herself the protector of said mudball for eternity. Vigilant and constant was her watch from what we would consider the far flung future. It had been a quiet and lonely life of secrecy and care for some time. Yet somehow she had found herself embroiled in a most ridiculous saga of time travel and bad movies from the moment she was foolishly enticed into taking a trip to her favorite era of Earth, back before the funky fall, so that she could meet the cause of all of this destruction and, perhaps, even stop him. His name was Kneumsi. She didn't like him… much. But her bacon-custard-puree-like disgust with Kneumsi was nothing compared to what she held for dweeby Nagas, the time travelling idiot who had actually exacerbated the situation every time he got involved to the point that he finally accepted that he was the fucking villain in the story. In addition to all of that, he was also the douchebag who had persuaded her to travel back in time with him in the first place… in a time machine… he found… and stole. Time had little meaning for Flynn considering the fact that she was watching these ever-changing events from the far future (and, incidentally, thanking Heaven that none of these stupid changes had actually caused her to blip out of existence). However, by our own contemporary calendars, it had been just about three years to the day since a newly noncorporeal Nagas inexplicably knocked on the door of her quaint little shack in the middle of a really boring looking clearing somewhere in what once was North America. You see, Nagas had finally run afoul of his newest arch enemy. Way worse than Kneumsi and, in fact, Nagas himself, the Time Tender had unwittingly become a part of this forlorn tale much as Flynn had, but with a much better wardrobe and a much worse attitude about it. In their battle, Nagas and the Time Tender tumbled uncorporally, unstuck in time for what should have been eternity, but… Oh, just read the previous Thanksgiving Turkeys and quit your bitchin', okay? Caught up yet? Good.
The point is that Flynn really needed a break… but she wasn't going to get that break because that same dusty door soon vibrated with yet a new knock. Thus, you can imagine the massive eye-roll that Flynn gave right at that moment. She thought about it for about a minute, hoping the knocking would go away, then remembering that just like last time Nagas showed up, she was the only human inhabitant on Earth, so they weren't about to go to a neighbor's house. She shook her head, shrugged, grabbed a 1978 can of Tab and loped to the door with dejection. She pushed the damn door ajar with a creak, then looked up slowly and sourly. Suddenly (as all hell) her expression changed. Flynn was so happy she actually jumped up to embrace the dark figure in front of her. "What the HELL?" the returner demanded as Flynn's arms passed right through him like she knew they would. She didn't care. She was just thrilled. "I'm so glad you're here!" she beamed. The other regarded her with the kind of curiosity a child might exhibit when watching an aquatic snail clean the inside of a particularly poorly-kept fish tank. "You do realize I'm one of the bad guys, right?" Flynn shrugged so heavily she actually bounced while laughing. "Yeah, I totally know. You're the Time Tender and you're possibly the worst and most powerful villain this increasingly ridiculous serialized novel has to offer. The thing is, I really thought you were going to be Nagas… AGAIN." "Agh!" Time Tender responded in sympathy. "That guy just appears out of NOWHERE, like ALL THE TIME!" "Don't I know it! I can't stand that guy." "Nobody can, nobody can." agreed the Time Tender shaking his translucent head. "You'd be happy to see you too, considering the alternative." "Totally!" he agreed. "In fact, it's been a long time since I've been really grateful for anything, but now that you mention it, even I'm thankful I'm not him." "What a…" Flynn searched for the right word. "Douche! Douche. Sagan Nagas is a douche." Time Tender finished for her. "I'll say!" Flynn agreed and they both started laughing like old friends, which was weird. "Oh, won't you come in?" "As long as Nagas isn't here." he howled and Flynn joined him while motioning him inside. "This is rich." she smiled, then asked "Ah, but anyway, what can I do you for?" The Time Tender finished giggling, shook his head and tried hard to look serious. It sort of worked. Even in his intangible form he was formidable looking in his gunmetal grey armor, half-helmet and flowing red energy cape. "I'm glad you asked." his voice boomed. "The answer… may shock you." "Well, answer me this, first… is that a Bad Religion sticker on your helmet?" "Yeah. I kinda love that band." "Cool. Go on. Oh, how rude of me. Tab?" The Time Tender shook his head again and said "I would, but I-" "You have no body, that's right." Flynn laughed and sat down in her favorite chair. "It'd just splash all down on this charming throw rug of yours!" Time Tender laughed and attempted to slap Flynn on the arm, instead passing right through her. This, of course, made the duo laugh even harder. "Still better than Nagas, right?" Flynn guffawed, then sobered and asked her new guest what the eff-you-see-kay this was all about. He then sat down (for some reason, much like having to knock on doors, the noncorporeal can actually sit on couches… go figure) and said "It would be easier to show you than to tell you, but the short version is… I need your help." "This ought to be good." Flynn said, finally feeling annoyed. But just a little bit, man, because, again, at least Time Tender wasn't Nagas… or even Kneumsi. "As you know, after many accidental, coincidental and, quite frankly, really contrived crossing of paths with Nagas, Kneumsi or both, I finally attempted to exact my revenge during the appalling events of the 2011 Thanksgiving Turkey. Sadly, I was thwarted by the intervention of my own Tachyon Shields!" Flynn chimed in, "Which, in turn, you got from Nagas that time he appeared to you back in 2010 when he accidentally trapped you with the energies syphoned from your own time machine." "Which I hadn't even built yet, but good." the Time Tender agreed with a warm smile. "By the way, I'm using the tachyon shields like a cape now. Do you like it?" Flynn did. "You look… very commanding, T.T." "Thanks, but… let's… not abbreviate my name to that, okay?" "Sorry." "Anyway, Nagas and I tumbled through time for ages, much as I had so many of my own years before. Eventually Nagas learned how to manifest himself as a being of pure (and purely annoying, am I right?) energy. This is something I had already mastered, obviously, but Nagas kept hanging on to me for like a few centuries. Ugh, I hate that guy." "This brings us back to that 2012 debacle. But what next?" Flynn was, sadly, fighting boredom, much like the readers are right now. "Then Nagas lost track of Kneumsi. No longer could he follow him through time. In fact, I could not sense him either after that point, which seems almost impossible." "Ugh, don't remind me. It's on account of we were on that space ship full of reality warping alien fucks!" ""Alien Fucks'? I like that!" Time Tender laughed. He really was a friendly guy for an eon-spanning belligerent being of pure vengeance, that is. "But yes… you see although I could no longer sense Kneumsi… I knew where he was." "How?" "Because... I could remember." he said, looking sanctimoniously toward the ceiling. Flynn narrowed her eyes, both in confusion and at annoyance with the drama Time Tender was displaying. "Oh…" Flynn started to realize the truth. "You were there, weren't you?" "I was one of the asinine astral visitors at the 2013 Thanksgiving Turkey, so I totally saw you guys way back when! With this knowledge I was able to find and follow Kneumsi again. But one thing struck me with surprise. It appeared that Nagas was there to rescue you and Kneumsi, not to stop you." "We were as shocked as you are." Flynn confirmed. "Right!? This could only mean that this was the younger Nagas, but his reality had been wiped out by his own travels to the past. This can only mean that… " "We are dealing with yet another, possibly even stupider reality?" Flynn gasped. "Possibly much stupider." the big guy in the bigger suit confirmed. "So you see, our interests have aligned." "In this mission, right? Not, like, musically?" "Well, no. I've seen your record collection. I can only take so much Mama Cass." "I hear you." "So what does this mean for us now?" "Let me show you!" he said and reached for Flynn's coffee table. Flynn idly noticed that Time Tender had a scar on one of his hands that she had never seen before. "Where'd you get that?" "Huh? Oh, I can't really remember. I told you I spent a lot of years insane (due to bad movie exposure), just drifting from job to job. I guess it's some kind of important scar because even my astral form here has it." "Well, maybe it'll come up later as a plot point." "Probably." Pulling up the cloth he flipped two switches and turned a knob on some oscilloscope-looking device that she had been using as a side table. As it emitted a weird whirring sound, Flynn said "I had no idea that thing even worked, dammit. It's not even Westinghouse." Oh the shows she could have watched. "No, no, I'm powering it with my temporal being." he said. Noting that this was possibly the most hokey line she had ever heard, she responded "Well, of course you are." Apparently it actually was possible for the Time Tender to get a little bit MORE dramatic. "Watch the screen, my new friend. We must observe… the events… of the 2015… Thanksgiving Turkey."
THE PRESENT (Pretty Much):
The scene was that of a decidedly gothic castle with a really charming couple of tulip gardens on either side of the draw bridge which was used to span a moat of killer crocodiles swimming in warm Mountain Dew. Although Flynn and Time Tender could not see him, Nagas was there, floating around in his erratic energy form. In Flynn's time beings like Time Tender and Nagas (a linkage neither of them would appreciate) could manifest themselves more thoroughly due to the lack of electrical interference. I made that rule up. Do you buy that? If so, read on. Inside the creepy castle with the torches burning madly outside and on every interior wall, a university lecture was going on. A university lecture Sagan Nagas was inexorably drawn toward. A university lecture on a course with DESTINY. The professor spoke up. "Friends, Romans, Countrymen, regular recurring characters and refugees from Land's End, welcome to the fruition of this semester's long, hard work in the field of tachyon research and alternate realities. I, as most of you know, am Professor Dick Butterworth, mad scientist and snappy dresser." The audience (which, humorously, did actually consist of Friends, Romans, countrymen, regular recurring characters and refugees from Land's End) half clapped and half yawned as Doctor Dick continued. "I would like to thank The Village People for attempting to warm up the crowd… somewhat in vain, it would seem, and for helping to make tonight's experiment complete. Let's hear it for the Village People!" The band posed dramatically as the crowd half-clapped some more and the invisible Nagas flipped them off. "As you can see, we have obtained the famous tattered, unfolded posters that read things like ‘Win Part of a Guitar' and ‘Speed doesn't kill... IMPACT DOES!' and ‘Full On Godhead!' as well as the one that has the complete lyrics to the 'I Can't Get Over Ovaltine' Jingle, including the rare, radio-only, musical bridge, all printed out in that nice, clean 2001 A Space Odyssey font. Ah, Keith, would you care to do the honors?" Keith, whom you may remember from last year sighed, shrugged, stood up and read the poster in a low, dull, bored and patronizing voice. "I can't get over Ovaltine, it tastes delicious now, it's just fantastic, wow. It's a whole new scene, oh, oh, oh, Ovaltine. I can't get over Ovaltine. I can't get over Ovaltine." Keith sat and Professor Butterworth cleared his throat. "And the rare, radio-only-" "OKAY FINE!" Keith exclaimed, stood up and continued. "I love the way that it squashes on my tongue. This isn't the Ovaltine we had when we were young!" With that the entire audience joined in with "I can't get over Ovaltine. I can't get over Ovaltine. I can't get O- OVALTINE! I can't get O- Ovaltine!" Smiling broadly, the Professor continued. "Splendid. As you all know we have worked diligently to recreate the exact specifications surrounding this bizarrely paranormal annual occurrence. What do I mean? For the past ten years we have detected a spike in temporal energies, tachyons all around this date. To be more specific, every year on Thanksgiving Day. This is, of course, very odd because American Thanksgiving is a floating Holiday with no set date, but, rather, a day of the month, the fourth Thursday of each November. What is more, these transcendent temporal funnels have all surrounded one event and, seemingly one man. J.C. Maçek III… also known as… Kneumsi!" The Professor indicated Kneumsi in the audience and he waved his hand to try to silence the now raucous applause. "Can we please just not do this?" "You've already been paid." the Professor reminded him. "My wife assured me that the bursar's office handed you a check." Kneumsi settled back in his seat with pronounced annoyance and said "Yeah, that's right… I met Mrs. Butterworth. She's very sweet." Half of the crowd laughed. The other half took about thirty seconds, got the joke, then joined in. Professor Butterworth went on. "These appear to have started in 2005, yes, but as we traced the calendar backwards we noticed one other strange anomaly that did not take place in California. The year was 1994. The place, Shreveport Louisiana. The day… once again… was Thanksgiving." The audience gasped as the bearded Professor stood dramatically. "What is more, this spike in tachyons was again concentrated around one person… a young man… named J.C. Maçek III!" The audience gasped again and began to talk amongst themselves in hushed yet decidedly desperate tones. "Oh, come ON!" Kneumsi said with annoyance. "You can't tell me you didn't see that shit coming a kilometer away! That was easier to see coming than Ron Jeremy." The Professor went on. "Strikingly the year of 2008 showed a remarkably lower increase in temporal activity." Kneumsi sighed. "It's a plot hole that I'm getting to." Dick hardened and then kept talking. "Studying these phenomena, I have assembled most of the main cast of this increasingly ridiculous serialized novel… can you believe that there are still movie reviews imbedded in these? And I have actually procured the services of Kneumsi himself… not only the man who has been central to every single one of these, but also the only man who has been proven to have traveled through time, traveled through outer space… and even visited an alternate reality." The crowd gasped again and began to rabble around, having been roused. Dick chafed at the noise and patted the air to get everyone to calm down. "Today, as you know, is November 26, 2015… ten years from the first (real) Thanksgiving Turkey. Thanks to our good friends at the Westinghouse Electric Company, LLC, we have managed to build… this…" And Dick jerked a used checkered table cloth from a rectangular object and shouted "The Westinghouse Brand Weird Time Oscillator Type Tachyon Thingy!" The audience all stood and clapped, except for Ricky Richardson whose leg still hurt from last year's violent beaking. Nagas floated, snakelike, around Ricky and approached the stage, fascinated and drawn to the dark device of destabilizing design. "My friends!" the Mad Scientist Dick continued, "Behold… the device is already working. Due to this amazing and uniquely named machine before me, we are actually able to discern certain facts from the future." "Can you give us an example?" Guy Suity demanded from the audience. The man was well dressed, but impatient as hell. "Ah, yes! As a matter of fucked, I can. It turns out that the entire plot of next year's Captain America: Civil War is nothing more than another VR simulation performed by Stewie Griffin." The crowd was animated when the scientific discoveries were unveiled, but now they went into a state which can only scientifically be called "apeshit" with a side of "batshit crazy". It took Detective Roger O'Malley and the Cop from the Village People to calm everyone down as Professor Dick Butterworth repeatedly said "Please, my friends, please!" and Kneumsi simply grunted out "Hey, shut up, you assholes!" After silence was restored, Doctor Dick made his biggest announcement. "And tonight… with everything in place… We shall attempt the impossible. We shall recreate the Turkeys with the help of Kneumsi himself… and actually open the doorway to another time and dimension… not unlike our own." The half-clapping came back as the crowd was both a little hungry and a lot fickle. "First… let us all put on our safety goggles." Doctor Dick ejaculated to the crowd who obeyed his sprayed words and put on their Ray Bans. To be honest they were actually all cheap knock off sunglasses that Kneumsi had gotten for about twenty pesos each during his last trip to Argentina. They looked convincing, though. Kneumsi then spoke up. "I suppose it's too late to try to talk you out of this? No good comes of this crap." Jeni stood up and pointed at Kneumsi "No good comes of you banishing your fans to Land's End to get pecked to death by uccelli assassini either, but it didn't stop you from doing it… twice." Kneumsi sighed and agreed. "Yeah, I'm a jerk for that. Sorry." That Dick of a Professor then clapped his hands twice, ceremoniously and commanded "Now for the Champagne… which, of course, is actually Miller High Life, thanks to Kneumsi's joke." "It's a good beer!" Kneumsi insisted as the hapless hired staff poured the bubbly into plastic glasses. "And, of course… the meal!" Dick droned as the same, strangely tuxedoed employees passed out Happy Meals. Kneumsi was alarmed. "We use McDonaldland plates, not actual McDonald's food. I thought you wanted this perfect!" "Well, this is all part of the plan." Dick bawled at Kneumsi. "You see, this ties us in, once again, to the Christmas Turkeys, much as the inclusion of the Village People did. This time we honor the incredibly underrated Mac and Me!" Kneumsi scowled. "I think you're going to Hell for this one." Dick was slick and oily in his response back to Kneumsi. "Oh, but if so… I need only use this amazing device thingy to get back." And with that, the Professor laughed maniacally. And so the service continued. The servers served food, the waiters waited and the ushers… ushed. Someone from the audience raised his hand. "Yes, Scrotum?" asked the Professor. "Uh, that's Schroeder, sir. But nevermind. My question is… are we just having burgers and fries? It's Thanksgiving. What about the Turkey?" Doctor Dick exploded in laugher again and said "Ah, don't you worry. I told you that I had to have everything just right, didn't I? The Turkey… is coming right up!" With that the Professor spun around and threw his hands in the air and the curtain behind him (he couldn't afford a chalkboard) fell and revealed a movie screen. The audience dutifully clapped, but only enough to cover up their groans. Why the hell DID they keep coming back for these things? Kneumsi stood up and shouted "Hey, you, Dick? I beg you to stop this now! It's not too late!" "Oh, but I can't stop now, Kneumsi! I am so close… and I am only just beginning!" The Westinghouse Brand Weird Time Oscillator Type Tachyon Thingy began to hum and light up in various places and the ghostly form of Nagas was drawn even closer as if magnetized to the very spot. He was shocked to see that the word "Thingy" was indeed stamped on there as if the makers were actually serious about this shit. Dick twisted around to face the audience again and said "Before I reveal this year's Turkey… does anyone have any further questions? And not about Captain America or Star Wars: The Force Awakens. We have to remain spoiler free here." Percy Stone raised a fatted hand and asked "Yeah, what's with the castle?" "Dramatic effect. Anyone else?" "Yeah, me, me, me, me, right here. Can we please stop this now and all go home to our families?" Dick drooped and said "I already told you no, Kneumsi. Shut up! Who else? Yes, you!" It was Connie Struction, if you remember him, who asked "Yeah, okay, I've got one… is Team Knight Rider set in the same universe as Knight Rider?" Doctor Dick drained for a second and then said "I… guess so. I mean, the 2008 series was set in the same continuity, right?" Struction questioned that. "But they repeated some things, like KARR." "It was still the same voice actor… Optimus Prime? It was an homage, not a retread and besides, Michael Knight showed up in the show, so it's the same. I guess that means Team Knight Rider is in the same universe too, right?" Kneumsi was deeply troubled to note that the Professor (a Dick) was looking at him. "You didn't pay me enough to answer that." The entire crowd called out "Oh, come on!" "Okay, okay, since you all want to know… Yeah… TKR is all in the same reality as Knight Rider, but they pretty much just ignore that crap completely in the sequel series. It's still centered around the Foundation for Law and Government and if you look closely, Michael Knight is in it too… just seen from the back." James Kidd stood up and said "Yeah, but what about Knight Rider 2000? How the hell does that fit in?" Kneumsi groaned. "It still fits, but it no longer takes place in the year 2000… or if it still does, then the new KITT from the 2008 series is literally a different entity, which, okay, yeah, he was, but… the point is, none of that police state and cryogenic technology shit made it to the newer show, so… you get the idea." The Professor was seated now, but literally on the edge of his seat leaning in to ask "And Knight Rider 2010?" Kneumsi growled and said "Total bullshit. Never happened in any continuity. It's fake. Forget it. I won't talk about it anymore." Dick softened a little and then eased in for another question. "Then again, there is another possibility that you haven't admitted to." "What?" "That these varied shows could all be part of a…" "A what?" "A…" "Oh, come on, don't make me say it!" "A…" "Fuck, okay. It's distinctly possible that Knight Rider 2000 and Knight Rider 2010 do take place in…" "In?" "Alternate… realities." The Professor named Dick was erect so quickly that he knocked his own chair back. "That's right! And that proves the need for this experiment into our own dimensions. An experiment which can only succeed if we… " Kneumsi finished for him "Complete the formula by watching a really, really bad movie." The crowd clapped before he could add "But, again, I really, heavily advise against this." Dick was embiggened as he said "Quite so. And without any further ado…" With that the lights (mostly torches chained to the walls because… drama) went down as if the word "ado" was the code word the electrical guy had been waiting for. "… I present… this year's… TURKEY!" The only lights remaining were the Westinghouse time "thingy", the illuminated silver screen and, of course, the Tivoli lights. Those are the strips of lights you find in movie theaters to help people find their way down the aisles. I'll bet very few of you knew what they were called until just now. Now you do. You're welcome. If you impress anyone with that knowledge, please make sure you tell them "Yeah, I totally read about that on WorldsGreatestCritic.com!" Keith crept over (with his McNugget Happy Meal because, well, that's Keith, for you) to sit next to his idol and good buddy Kneumsi. "What's the film going to be this year, man? Do you think we're going to finally get Showgirls ?" Kneumsi slumped in his chair. "Dude, if you've actually paid attention, I haven't been really in charge of these for years now. But I doubt it." Dick stretched and put his head in Kneumsi's face. "AH, no, Kneumsi! No Showgirls this time. You see, I had to make sure everything was perfect… in the worst possible way. Thus far, only your Christmas Turkeys have touched upon the majestic cinema of the land actually called ‘Turkey."' "No!" Kneumsi jolted. "No, please. Don't tell me!" "Yes!" Dick spat. "We are watching a Turkish rip off film… a subgenre even worse than Bad Italian Horror!" "You're sick and twisted." "And a genius… for this year's Turkey is commonly known as ‘Turkish Exorcist'… and it's bad. So let's all hear it for… 1974's Seytan!" The audience moaned in anticipated pain and many tried to get up and leave… including Nagas. Dick pointed to one of the uniformed staff (also wearing safety Ray Bans as well as ear plugs) and shouted "Ramon?" and the doors were immediately locked. Nagas, in turn, was frozen to the spot by the temporal vortex the Thingy machine had formed. "With all this stupid ‘Alternate Reality' talk, I totally expected some kind of J.J. Abrams film." Kneumsi mocked. Dick came back and said "Oh, like THAT was really what was wrong with his Star Trek flicks! Besides, wouldn't that be just a little bit too on the nose?" "Yeah, like a Turkey from Turkey about exorcism that's actually CALLED ‘Seytan' isn't ridiculously ‘on the nose'. Or… beak as the case may be." Kneumsi grumbled. By the way, they had time for this entire exchange because Dick had hired Weaz as the projectionist and that guy put WAY too much leader tape on the front of the print, so the screen was lit up only with white light, scratches and stray hairs. At long last, the stupid movie… and, thus, this stupid review… could begin. Some old jerk in an Indiana Jones hat staggered through the desert looking annoying as fuck. "Ugh!" said that Cowboy type guy who keeps showing up. "The rip offs of The Exorcist are already beginning? Are we really supposed to believe that's Father Lankester Merrin?" he demanded. "More like Father Lackluster Demerit." quipped Kidd, after which Kneumsi turned around to look at him and nodded with a smile. "That's pretty gooooooooooood!" Kneumsi said. Dick poked Kneumsi and said "I need your attention. Everything has to be perfect for the experiment to work." "Dick." Kneumsi said. "Yes?" "No… I mean… DICK!" "Oh." Dick hung his head and then Dick swung around and said "Yeah, but if you really want to see something terrible, look at the statue they want to pass off as Pazuzu." When the screen revealed this very thing the entire class scoffed in unison. "Terrible!" said one. "What's it trying to grab?" demanded another. "Can I have some of your fries?" asked Weaz. "That's worse than the paper mache cryptid from Land of the Minotaur!" said someone else with annoyance. "Excellent!" Dick was practically drooling. Kidd broke in again and said "Pazuzu? More like Piece of PooPoo!" Kneumsi turned around again and shook his head, mouthing the words "Dude, no." "Hey, why the hell does Pazuzu look like fucking Gamera?" asked Scrotum. "Bastard son, maybe?" Kneumsi speculated. From that point the film shifted from an archeological dig (with the demonic statue sticking out of a sand dune like a… well, like a dick) to a really groovy apartment in Istanbul (which was Constantinople). There a little girl named, I shit you not, Gül (Canan Perver) lives with her high society mother played by Meral Taygun (and credited, simply and stupidly, as "Gul's Mother"). "She looks just like Linda Blair!" Jeni said. "But I bet she can't act very well!" Keith responded. Keith would be right. "Oh, hell, I was wrong." Jeni said. "She only looks like Linda Blair while she's asleep. Now that she's awake she looks like one of those California Raisins!" "Hey, be nice!" Guy yelled. "The girl clearly has Down's Syndrome." "No." Kneumsi corrected. "That's… just how she looks." "So, wait, they cast her while she was asleep? Doesn't that strike you as a little creepy?" Jeni asked. Kneumsi shrugged. "I'm sure she was cast because of the way she would look in the makeup. It sure wasn't for her acting." Jeni considered this. "In a weird way, that's even creepier." More chatter filled the class for a moment, but everyone was speechless as soon as the (subtitled) dialogue began. "What the hell?" only one person managed over the groans. "That's dialogue directly lifted from The Exorcist. The same shit… about the ‘clean rats'!" "Oh, cut it some slack, Chief!" shouted the traffic cop. "This is low budget and the Turkish had to make something. You know HOW hard movie making can be." The Chief called back. "I'm about to show you HOW I'm gonna kick your ass!" "Bring it on right now, if you're not too busy crying about litter." "Oh you son of a- COME ON! COME ON! Who's your daddy?" "No, my friends, no fighting!" Dick waved. "We can't risk anything happening to impact the energies that have attracted this Time Vortex every year. We must continue the experiment. Complain, but don't fight." "Yeah, bitch away!" Kneumsi advised. "I'm sure going to." And he did… but he wasn't alone. From that point on, the film was a virtual shot for shot remake, as if director Metin Erksan had desperately wanted to rip off The Exorcist but didn't understand it well enough to do so. "Holy shit!" cried cool Keith. "They even ripped off the creepy music from The Exorcist!" "And they didn't even understand that, did they?" Kneumsi agreed. "Look, they're playing the scary music while Gul is playing tennis with her mom." At this the audience laughed raucously. "What a silly excuse for a Ouija board!" one classmate called out. "Dude, did she just call the ghost ‘Captain Lersen' instead of ‘Captain Howdy'? Is that supposed to make it better?" shouted another in a voice that implied he was being cut by a knife. Percy's helium-addicted angry clown voice piped in. "Aw no, they've ripped off the other film so badly that it's becoming predictable. Look, this is the part where she pees on the floor." Dylan bristled at that part. "Horrible, they can't even skip the tasteless parts… oh wait is she… is she… oh no… ARGHHHHHHH!" The entire audience joined Dylan in his pained "ARGHHHHH!" as "totally NOT Regan MacNeil" didn't piss on the floor but actually dropped a load of diarrhea on the stairs. Kneumsi twisted in his seat. "They even managed to make this part worse!" Alex laughed and pointed out "Oh, look at this shit. In the clean-rat infested attic there's just randomly a book that reads ‘Seytan' on the cover? Now that's ‘on the nose!'" "Yeah, and look… we immediately meet the author, a psychiatrist (though not a priest) named Turgul Bilge-" Kneumsi was cut off as the audience laughed at that name. "- and played by Cihan Ünal!" Dick squeezed over to Kneumsi and asked "Have you reviewed one of his films before?" "Thankfully, no. I mean look at that guy's hair. Do you think I'd still be alive if I had to look at that hairstyle more often than this? He looks like Norman Osborne died on his head. I just feel like I've seen all of this before thanks to The Exorcist. Look, he's even got a dying mom, just like the priest/ shrink in that flick." "LAME!" Dylan cried out. At this point, far in the future, Flynn asked that they turn off the monitor and Time Tender had to remind her that they had a mission to attend to and had to watch until the right time. And it went on like that. Pretty much everything in The Exorcist happened in Seytan, just in a much more poorly executed way. The special effects looked like silly parlor tricks. The bouncing and floating bed were both seen, the latter covered the cheapness with horrible lighting. There was even a chain smoking cop like Kinderman. Hilariously melodramatic uses of the zoom lens were all over the film. At best the movie was cartoonish. At one point, Gul punched a doctor in the balls and even that was overacted. Weaz winced. "Dude, I've been punched in the balls before and it's the worst, but even I didn't act like that idiot." "He wasn't acting." Kneumsi said. "Oh, she really punched him in the balls?" "No. I just wouldn't call that ‘acting.'" And then came the rip off of the infamous stabbing scene. The audience cried out at first, then all began laughing. "That's not a crucifix, man… that's a… a... a…" Kidd was at a loss for words. "A bookmark, according to the subtitles." Keith said. "Why it has a devil's head on it is beyond me." "Oh, wait, here comes the head-spinning scene, I think!" Kneumsi shushed the crowd. "ARGHHHHH!" everyone screamed. Ricky balked. "I've seen $3 Halloween haunted houses with more convincing head spins than this!" O'Malley joined his roommate and erstwhile enemy in the criticism. "I don't speak a word of Turkish and even I can tell this acting is terrible." "Whoa, the Exorcist totally looks like Santa Claus." Kidd observed. "But he's dressed like a Hasidic Jew, even though he's obviously Muslim." "Yeah." Kneumsi agreed. "That's Agah Hün and according to what I could find… here on my iPhone… he's simply credited as ‘The Exorcist.'" "Imaginative." Keith mocked. Kneumsi went on. "Yeah, it's all part and parcel of them removing all Christian imagery in favor of that of Islam… and hey, there's nothing wrong with that, but it doesn't fit very well. There's no indication that either of these guys are religious in the slightest." "Then how do they perform the Exorcism?" Connie asked, laughing. "Not very well." Kneumsi answered. Dick rubbed his hands together in glee. "What are those things on her face, grubs?" Jeni asked. "That's the makup." Kneumsi said. "Wait, is that the same stupid devil statue from the beginning showing up in her bedroom?" Kidd demanded. "Yeah. That happens in The Exorcist too." Kneumsi said. "Yeah, as an apparition. Here it looks like they just dragged the stupid prop in and lit it perfectly while a couple of guys off screen toked up on a cigar for smoke effects." "Please tell me you didn't just describe something in this movie as 'perfect.'" "Whoa! He's totally beating on a little girl." Jeni screamed. "Not like just shaking her, man, these are full fists to the face." Dylan agreed. "Yeah, but what's this with the two angles of strangulation? Their hands are empty!" Kneumsi guffawed. "What are they trying to asphyxiate the LENS?" Everyone laughed again. Then came the climax. "Yep. Saw that comin'!" said the Cowboy. "Blind people saw that comin'!" Keith said. "Oh, no!" Kneumsi groaned. "A terrible epilogue." "Wait, so the Exorcist is still alive?" Weaz scoffed. "No, that's just his Papa Noel looking amigo." Kneumsi said. "They're identical." "Except this guy looks more like a homeless pervert." Keith quipped. Jeni sighed. "What's the point of showing us this?" Kneumsi speculated "I guess to show you some of the beauty of Istanbul." "Really?" Jeni rolled her eyes. "Well, after this I'm never, ever, ever, ever, ever visiting Turkey." "Good call." came a voice. Kneumsi was surprised to note that it was the Professor himself. And with that the film ended and the audience booed, throwing their cardboard Happy Meal boxes at the screen violently and then picking up what bounced back and throwing them at the Professor and Kneumsi. "Hey, why me? This was all him this time." Kneumsi pleaded, but was pelted with half-eaten burgers and regular sized soft drink cups. "Fuck!" Kneumsi sat down in a huff. A beautiful girl (who had miraculously not been covered in food) next to the critic asked "Did they make any money from this movie?" "Probably." muttered Kneumsi. The beautiful girl continued. "I wouldn't pay a penny. I'd even charge them for wasting my time like that!" The audience agreed, then Guy asked "Hey, who is that girl?" Kneumsi smiled. "Oh, this is my wife Christine." "Aw, hey, you finally made it happen?" the Chief said. "Good jooooooooooooooob, bro!" The happy couple smiled and kissed. "Don't get ketchup on me." she advised. "Do the Q and A, Kneumsi!" The Professor insisted. "I think this is working!" In fact the Thingy was glowing and shaking, so Kneumsi figured, you know, what the hell? "Any questions?" Ricky shouted. "Yeah, why would the psychiatrist guy write a book about exorcism but doesn't believe in it?" Kneumsi shrugged. "He's an expert who needed to make a buck." "Some expert." O'Malley said disdainfully. "The guy even said he didn't make any money." "What's with that stupid looking Ouija board?" Kidd asked. "Budget restraints?" "What's with the diarrhea?" Weaz demanded. "It's a disgusting fucking movie." "This is the worst acting ever, even with the subtitles." Dylan shouted. "I'll say. And speaking of which, where the hell did you get that print, Dick?" "I downloaded it from the internet." Dick explained gruffly, his attention on the Thingy machine. "Who the hell subtitled it?" Kneumsi wondered. "Half the time the English sentences didn't make any sense. Some of the time the subtitles actually said ‘Maybe?'. At one point the guy literally just printed the Turkish words and added 'Google it' and when the end came the subtitler actually wrote 'At Last!' on the screen." "Well, he had a sense of humor, I guess." Dick dashed out. "'Google it?' Why didn't he just make the whole thing funny?" Kneumsi asked. Dick’s head fell. "I don’t know. If you want to ask a real question, think about how that was the most 1974 house ever constructed." Kneumsi shook his own head. "I was just thinking that shit. And when the subtitles did make sense we were bombarded with insanely inane dialogue. I guess it’s better than no subtitles, though. I mean, would we really want to see this and NOT know what they were saying?" The entire audience joined in with one resounding "YES!" "Good point." Kneumsi conceded. "So I guess we can all agree that this was a terrible (and illegal) remake with various bad film stocks, terrible lighting, awful sound, poorly reimagined characters and idiotic situations all made worse by the use of funny faces in every scene."
"Especially the electro-shock therapy!" Kidd said. "Oh, that was a keeper." Kneumsi laughed. "But don't you have any sympathy for Seytan here? I mean, the incredibly low budget? The different cultural mores?" The entire crowd groaned with a number of "NO!" responses filling the air. "This was outright theft!" the Biker dude yelled. "Hell yeah!" said Keith. "Once you rip someone off, all sympathy goes down the proverbial toilet!" Kneumsi crossed his arms and nodded. "It was just bad, bad, bad, bad all over. Luckily it's done and in the past. So… uh, Dick... are we done now?" Dick lurched. "No, not yet. We can’t go home. Look! It’s working. All of the energies came together perfectly! It’s working." Kneumsi’s jaw dropped open. "No shit?" He and the audience looked on as The Westinghouse Brand Weird Time Oscillator Type Tachyon Thingy shook and sparked and glowed and next to it a portal began to open. Then another. Then a third. "It’s working. It’s working!" Doctor Dick dictated. The portals were growing like mushrooms in a time lapse video. "Oh, man. Weird." Keith said. "I like it!" J.C.’s wife beamed. "Me too, baby." Kneumsi agreed. But then again, after a film like that, visuals like these had to be welcome. The air began to rush around wildly in the room as sparks and bolts of electricity popped and spat from the Thingy. In the midst of the three portals a figure began to appear… it wore white armor with red trim and he had the long hair and beard of a long homeless guy. "Oh no!" Kneumsi cried out. "It’s Nagas. Nagas is back!" The materializing figure called back "I don’t like it much either. It’s these tachyons… they’re forcing me into reality." "Where is this machine pointing, Dick?" Dick thrust his arms around. "We can’t really tell, it’s such new technology. It appears to be two points in the future. The third… I just don’t know." "You don’t know? You asshole." Kneumsi shouted. Dick went limp. "I’m a DICK!" Then the biggest shock of the night happened as from one of the portals came Flynn followed by… "TIME TENDER!" Kneumsi screamed like a character in a mid-1980s DC Comic. Flynn called back. "No, he’s on our side this time. He’s using his temporal being to help steer us here. The… do we really have to call it a ‘Thingy?’ It’s doing the rest." "Quickly!" The Time Tender exclaimed. "We must stop this experiment before Nagas becomes unstoppable. OH NO!" From the second portal another figure revealed himself. He, too, was wearing white armor with red trim. "What the hell is going on here? I was interrogating Zantorion the Conqueror." "No, it can’t be!" Kneumsi screamed. Flynn darted toward the machine. "No time to explain. It’s the younger Nagas from the other reality." "I was right!" Doctor Dick shouted with his hands in the air like Willem Dafoe in Platoon. "I was so right. I will win the Pulitzer for this." "You!" Flynn pointed at one of the ushers. "Help me." The guy did, jumping forward and grabbing the conveniently contrived lever on the side of the machine. Instead of working, however, it broke in his hand, leaving a nasty gash that bled all over the device. "Fuck!" Flynn shouted. "AH! My HAND!" the kid shouted just as loud. "I only have two of them!" "Nagas, no!" Kneumsi also shouted, because, you know, in a chaotic situation like this, people do a lot of shouting. Don’t deny it. You would. The elder Nagas was still see-through and slowly floated his way over to the younger Nagas from the alternate reality who sort of said "What the hell? Are you one of my uncles or something?" "No. Better!" Nagas said, his noncorporeal beard and hair flowing inexplicably in the electric wind. Within seconds the aura of Nagas the Elder enveloped Nagas the Younger and then shrunk into him… and with that The Westinghouse Brand Weird Time Oscillator Type Tachyon Thingy grinded to a halt. Perhaps there was finally a tachyon overload, perhaps it was the blood that shorted it out, perhaps it was simply the ending of what was destined to take place. Flynn looked around in shocking shocked shock. Something was horribly (and shockingly) missing. "The Time Tender… he’s… gone." "But where?" Kneumsi asked. He didn't actually care much because the Time Tender guy was such an ass hair and all, but he figured he should say something before the situation got all awkward and shit. Nagas was on his knees in shock and pain. All eyes went to him as he hyperventilated. At long last he stood up with a jump and posed, melodramatically in that same pose he stole from the cover of Superman #1. "Huzzah!" he exclaimed. "Oh fuck no!" Kneumsi groaned. "Oh fuck yes! I am young again!" he hollered (because "shouting" had become so seven paragraphs ago)! "After years of homelessness in my defeat… after watching you secretly at every single Thanksgiving Turkey, after falling through thousands of years of time, at last I have my young body again. Now I can right what went wrong." Flynn wrinkled her nose. "But… dude… you just killed your younger self." "No, no, he’s still here… we simply merged into one consciousness. That happens when the same creature is in the same place… I guess… I just made that up. Do you buy it?" Dick dashed that down onto his notebook. "I do! I do!" "I don't." Kneumsi scoffed. "Dude, shouldn't we be in some terrible time loop right now? You've just intercepted yourself before you went back in time to 1994, which would prevent you from being here now to possess... yourself." "Ah, ah, ah! That was a reality that you prevented, Kneumsi. This Nagas is from an alternate reality." Nagas laughed in glee. Kneumsi rolled his eyes. "Alternate realities again? Oh, man, that is SUCH a cop out!" "Is not!" whined Nagas. "Is too. It's just lazy writing." "Regardless of how it happened... here I am! Young and whole once again. In fact!" said Nagas, "I have access to memories I haven’t had in years. And some brand new. Wait, I rescued Kneumsi? No way! Oh, wait, I was just still dating my college girlfriend Aki. Huh… we could’ve gotten married. She would’ve taken my name had I not gone on that assignment to stop you. Oh, how you ruined my life, Kneumsi!" "Aki?" Kneumsi asked. "She’s Japanese. You got a problem with that?" "Well… no, but Japanese people put their family names first, so if you marry her… she’ll be… Nagas Aki? Nagasaki?" Keith doubled over in laugher. "You shut up, you shut UP! Now I just gotta find a way to get back to her." "Good luck with that. Now that you’re here…" Kneumsi cracked his knuckles. "I’m kickin’ your ass!" "Oh no you don’t!" Nagas cried. "You see, even having merged with my other self, I realize now that after millennia in the time vortex, I still have all my powers. I can time travel at will." Nagas began to fade away much to everyone’s surprise. "I still owe you an asskicking, Nagas!" "Come find me, Kneumsi!" Nagas called back as his body faded. "But I’ll be back to get you before you know it. I'll get you, my pretty! And your little dog Jack, too!" With that, Nagas was gone. "Well, we won’t be seeing his ass for a while." Flynn sighed. "What do you mean?" Kneumsi asked. "He pops up all the time and how he has unlimited power and resources?" "Haven’t you been reading your own writing? He doesn’t know dick about time travel. He has no idea how to pinpoint events, times or even places. He’s probably just materialized up a brontosaurus’ ass." Flynn laughed. "Uh, there were never any real Brontosauruses." Kidd advised. Flynn looked at him angrily. "Shows what you know, 21st Century Boy!" "So what now?" Kneumsi asked. "I really don’t know." Flynn said. "You think you’ve got problems? For the first time, I’m actually stuck in the past with no way to get back. I may never get to… HEY, is that a HAPPY MEAL?" So Flynn gorged herself and the guy with the messed up hand was tended to. Dick found himself in a tight spot as O’Malley arrested him for reckless endangerment. Looks like Dick got burned. Luckily all of his students got C Plusses. The University confiscated The Westinghouse Brand Weird Time Oscillator Type Tachyon Thingy and locked it in the very castle this stupid chapter took place in. And for once… everything seemed certainly uncertain. Flynn was stuck far in the past. Nagas now had both a physical body and godlike powers to rival even the Time Tender and the Time Tender himself... was missing. Literally anything could happen at this point. So, once again… this was the end… And the beginning. |
The 2015 Thanksgiving Turkey
Reviewed by J.C. Maçek III
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Doesn't that make you want to Exorcize him?
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This one I LIKE!
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