AKA: 1990: I guerrieri del Bronx (1982) - Original Italian Title
AKA: Bronx Warriors (1982) - USA lazier, abbreviated title
(Release Date: November 17, 1982)
(USA Release Date: April 22, 1983)
Bronx Warriors... Don't bother coming out to play
because they never make any sense. Damn!
What a stupid movie.
In the stupid present...: Kneumsi and the now cyborg Time Tender had disappeared into the timestream while the villainous alien mastermind Zantorion the Conqueror faced a new kind of torture by becoming the prison cellmate of Doctor Dick Butterworth. But... in the far, far, far, yet equally stupid future a fluttering of leaves whirled about in a mini-tornado within a charming clearing near a ramshackle shack. A flash of light went out in all directions and a post-college aged female fell to the ground, then looked up and squinted. She saw the name "Flynn" etched on the door and gasped. "I'm home!" As the figure reached up to lower her hood, the door of the shack slowly slid open and a stranger walked forward with a smile the size of Willard Scott's when he first donned his frightening Ronald McDonald makeup. "FLYNN!" the stranger exclaimed and walked forward with open arms. "You're late. Thanksgiving was days ago. When you didn't call in I feared the very worst." The woman then slowly lowered her hood to satisfy the foretaste and the promise of two paragraphs ago. As the stranger, a tall, handsome man of African descent, saw her grim visage and Asian features he stopped in his tracks and lowered his arms. She kept one hand near her hip-mounted holsters (made of authentic hippo skin) as the stranger said "You're... you're not Flynn!" "I am not!" agreed the woman who was (and is still) not Flynn. "I am Nagas Aki!" "Nagasaki?" he gasped. "Sounds like a disaster." The woman let both arms go slack and rolled her eyes skyward. "Every goddam time I introduce myself ever since we got engaged, goddammit." She shook her head for a moment, then said "Not Nagasaki. Nagas... Aki... I'm Japanese? Our last names come first. My husband's family name is-" Putting the pieces together quickly the man said "Nagas!" and he raised his Westinghouse brand laser gun. Aki raised her own and said "Ah, ah, ah! a gunfight would only prolong this introduction and I'm sure the readers want to get to the actual Thanksgiving Turkey review... don't they... Mister Jones?!" The man gasped, making their dialogue about 30% gasps already. "How did you know my name?" Aki smiled. She had only guessed, actually. "So you are Jones. Good. Now if you don't mind, can we sheath our weapons and talk this out?" "That depends." Jones said. "Where is Nagas?" "He's doing what he's always done... he's turning death into a fighting chance to live!" Jones scoffed. "Nagas is the villain, lady. And besides, that's Star Trek III you're quoting." Aki nodded "You got me. That was a test." "A test of what?" "We'll get to that." Aki said aloud "But first I'm more interested in what you said before. Something about Thanksgiving having already passed." Jones holstered his Westinghouse blaster and nodded. "It has. This is the Monday after Thanksgiving." Aki frowned. "So I am late. Time is even more chaotic than I thought." Jones scoffed. "Time is in upheaval. History, the future, the present. We have a robot uprising on the human colonies, Earth is uninhabitable. History is destroying itself. Recently I found out that Donald Fucking Trump was elected president back in 2016. That's wrong. That was never the case. Everything is in turmoil and we have your husband to thank." Aki frowned and said. "Oh, that's the problem here. We can't say who the hell is to blame anymore. Kneumsi damaged the culture. You damaged your own by spreading the evil of Can't Stop the Music." "Me?" "Yes, you! The Time Tender was an innocent until he was sucked into all of this. My husband, Sagan Nagas only tried to right all that had gone wrong." "That's a matter of opinion." "No. That's a matter of sorting out history, which is all Nagas had tried to do. And the only person who has been at the focal of all of this is Flynn. Only with Flynn's help can we fix the timeline." "You're right about that. She's the only way." Jones agreed with a sigh. "So where is Flynn?" Aki demanded. "That's the problem. I have no idea. We had Thanksgiving plans. I arrived on time. She wasn't here. I've been doing searches of the area. Nothing. She must still be stuck somewhere in the timeline." "Stuck in the timeline? Then I have to go find her!" Jones scoffed and ran after the fleeing Aki, noting the streaks of stress-gray hair emanating from her temples. "Not without me you're not!" he said. "I'm your best chance at fixing this mess." "There's nothing you can do!" Nagas Aki insisted. "You're wrong!" Jones insisted. "Where are you going?" "Back to my husband. Back to 2017." she said, shaking off his grasp. "That is if 2017 is still there. Haven't you noticed there was no 2008 Turkey? It was a lame flashback to 1994. Something went wrong that year and since. That could happen again." "So?" "So, the timeline is fractured. Things are wrong. Seth MacFarlane has his own prime time science fiction drama. Even Kneumsi is about to have a novel published from a major international publisher when he's usually writing crap like-" "Like this!" Aki said in annoyance. "Exactly. Like this! And did I mention TRUMP?" Aki sighed. "You may be right. What can you do?" Jones straightened up, as erect as John Holmes. "I'm not Flynn, but I'm the next best thing. For God's Sake... let me help." Nagas Aki nodded slowly. "You're with me." she said, grabbed Jones' hand and they both vanished in a tiny tornado, leaving the thicket decidedly thin.
In the present again... relatively speaking...: Nagas Aki and her new pal Jones materialized sexily in front of one of many theaters they could have chosen... only to find it gone. Aki was posed like Clark Kent on the cover of Superman #1 and she elbowed Jones until he followed suit. "Where are we?" Jones demanded after relaxing from that idiotic pose again. Aki squinted and shook her head in confusion. "Rehobeth Hall." she said. "At least it was." Had they been on camera, said camera surely would have panned around at that very moment to reveal that the House of Blues Anaheim, which Aki expected to find there, was no more. It had been demolished. It was now a hole in the ground. What the hell was happening here? Jones gulped and said "Is it supposed to look like this?" Aki was in shocked silence, so Jones continued. "I mean, that's Disneyland, right? I see the monorail, like right there. That leads to Tomorrowland. If I squint I can see Adventureland. So what is this shit? Destructionland?" Aki slowly shook her head and said "This is worse than I thought! We have to go." Jones and Aki vanished again and tried the Ovaltine Odeon. It was deserted. The building was still there but it was clearly not in use. Then they tried The Major Kira Nerys Memorial Dinner Theatre. It was still in use, but just barely and the porno store above it had long since taken over half the rows. Both Aki and Jones were becoming desperate. "This is not boding well." Jones said, quite obviously. "The Gothic Castle!" Aki shouted. "The what asshole?" Jones asked before vanishing again. They reappeared in front of the pile of rocks Dick Butterworth had rented for his evil experiment that had caused everything to go so much worse thanks to the Turkey from Turkey. Instead of going in Aki consulted her Westinghouse Brand Weird Device and muttered "No life signs." "You trust that thing?" Jones asked. "Flynn would if she were here." Aki insisted with confidence and then said "Besides, there's no way I'm searching that whole place manually." "Good point. But where are they?" Aki bit her lip. "Where else have we not looked? There should be at least some kind of signature." Jones tapped his memory for the locations of the prior turkeys. "Kneumsi's sister-in-law's place?" "No, no. He's been through a divorce since then." Then she snapped her fingers in glee and said "Land's End!" "I prefer L.L. Beane." Jones muttered and Aki rolled her eyes just as heavily as she had at the Nagasaki joke. "Not the catalog company. The place!" "Where all those uccelli assassini pick the flesh off of people's bones? Shit no, I'm not going there." "Not there precisely." Aki said. "The old warehouse where Kneumsi opened the doorway to Land's End." Jones spoke up. "Still no." "Oh, come on, you idiot!" Aki barked and shifted them through time again. The duo appeared before an old door with peeled paint adding a disgusting texture to the rotted wood. The sign read "Kneumsi's Dinner Theatre", and a small, cheap note taped to the glass on the door read "Open Thanksgiving!!!" in a hand-drawn grease pencil red scrawl. "Jackpot!" Jones said. "You're a GENIUS! The location of the first Thanksgiving Turkey proper!" He reached for the door as Aki cried "No!" The door did open... to reveal more wreckage. This building had been demolished as well! And this intro was getting annoyingly long. "Only the door remains!" Jones said, again with intense obviousness. To add insult to injury to obviousness, the door and its now freestanding frame then fell forward and shattered. Aki began to look as desperate as that idiot Donald Trump with Robert Mueller breathing down his fat, orange neck. "My husband was at all of these... at least retroactively. He should be waiting for me. I thought for sure the signatures would be strongest where both he and Kneumsi were." Jones snapped his fingers. "But it's Flynn we're looking for." "I haven't forgotten, Capitano Obvio." Aki scoffed. "No, no, no!" Jones said. "You're missing the point! You need to factor Flynn into the equation." Aki smiled. "You just might be useful after all." she said. "Flynn was first brought into this by Nagas... for Troll 2! The 2009 Thanksgiving Turkey!" "I remember that. It wasn't held at a theater, it was... " "Some busted-ass building in the middle of the woods, equal parts Blair Witch cabin and Nightmare On Elm Street 2 concrete factory." Aki finished for him. "To the Cabin in the Woods!" Jones cried in glee as they both vanished. Reappearing again, Jones took on the self-same Superman #1 pose while Aki said "Oh, give it up, Jones!" Instead she ran forward and kicked open the door. Only to find... "Kneumsi!" Jones exclaimed. "Christine?" Aki asked, quizzically. "Yes." Christine responded. "What happened?" Aki demanded. "Oh, I found him." Christine said in her sexy Argentinian accent. "You just pulled him out of the timeline?" Jones said in amazement. "True Love!" Kneumsi said. He sat up in the bed they were sharing and kissed his wife again. "So, mission accomplished, then?" Jones asked. "Wait a minute. When did you find him?" Aki inquired. "Weeks ago." Christine said. "And why didn't you tell me?" Aki almost screamed. "You vanished. You've been gone a long time, bitch." Aki let that go and said "So what have you been doing since then?" "Uh... sex?" Kneumsi said as if it was the most obvious thing in the world. Which... knowing them... it was. "But what about the Thanksgiving Turkey?" Jones now shouted. "It's the Monday after Thanksgiving." Kneumsi narrowed his eyes in confusion, then said "Nothing but trouble." Christine shook her head and said "You're wrong. It's not the week after Thanksgiving." "WHAT?" both invaders demanded. Kneumsi chimed in. "Yeah. It's, uh... it's Christmas Eve. You've been gone for a long time. Seems like you're the ones unstuck in time." "Oh, no. Nagasaki..." Jones exclaimed. "The timeline is now so destroyed that precise time travel may no longer be possible. We're... all over the timesphere." "I gathered that." Aki insisted. "I know, I was explaining it to the readers." Jones muttered. "Then where is Sagan?" Aki demanded. "AND FLYNN?" Jones likewise demanded. They were a very demanding pair. There had been a whole lot of demanding in the last few paragraphs. Kneumsi looked as serious as Han Solo in Return of the Jedi and said "I thought she was with you." "Yeah." Christine agreed. "You went to go get her." "And my husband?" Kneumsi sighed. "When you didn't return he went looking for you." "He is stuck in time!" Jones blurted with a start. Everyone shook their heads and looked despondent. "We have to find him." Aki insisted. "And I have just the thing." Observing how long this was taking as well as the despondent looks of the others she explained. "We must do the Turkey for real this time. Recreate all of the circumstances so that I can locate Sagan. Get the Mcdonaldland plates, screw the other guests. But the real key is the movie." "What movie?" Kneumsi said, almost in fear. "It better not be Showgirls!" Christine insisted. "Not Showgirls." Aki said. "It must be one of those not-too-distant-future movies that aged incredibly poorly." "You mean all of them?" Christine asked and Jones snickered under his breath. Kneumsi looked annoyed. "No, dammit. Both Escape from New York and The Warriors are great films to this day." "Escape from LA sucked." Jones said. Aki blew her bangs out of her face and said "It doesn't matter! It's none of that!" They all turned to look at her and she said, self-importantly "I have just the film!"
Within minutes the small group was prepared. The Thanksgiving Fixings were ready, the bedsheet was stretched across the wall and everyone was enjoying a Miller Highlife, the Champagne of Beers. They even remembered the posters that read "Win Part of a Guitar" and "Speed doesn't kill... IMPACT DOES!" and "Full On Godhead!" as well as the one that has the complete lyrics to the "I Can't Get Over Ovaltine" Jingle, including the rare, radio-only, musical bridge, all printed out in that nice, clean 2001 A Space Odyssey font. Sticklers. Note: If you're expecting The Village People to show up, I'm sorry, but they're not in this one. They would only cause distraction. And then the Turkey lit up the screen. "I've been avoiding this one." Kneumsi moaned as he shifted uncomfortably in his wooden chair. "1990: Bronx Warriors." he said in the same voice he might have used to recite the ingredients to his least-favorite dish. "I hate this already." Christine said as a montage of the characters slithered across the screen in place of any sort of sane credits sequence. "Wait, so some chick is running away from New York?" Jones asked as Young Ann (Stefania Girolami Goodwin), in fact, ran away from New York. "So this IS Escape From New York?" Christine moaned. "No." Aki siad. "It just desperately wants to be. See in the 'future' world of 1990 the Bronx is a No-Man's Land which is completely lawless and run by rival gangs, each of which wear colorful and ridiculous themed costumes." "Oh, shit!" Kneumsi growled as he clutched his stomach. "This is a rip-off of The Warriors?" "And Escape from New York, clearly." Jones said. "With a butt-load of The Road Warrior thrown in to make the whole thing one long word association game." Kneumsi cleared his throat and asked "Guys, what do you get when you cross The Warriors with Mad Max with Escape from New York?", fearing the answer. "Something even worse than Escape from LA!" Aki spat. Jones leaned in. "Okay, I'm lost! So this chick runs away from Manhattan to The Bronx, even though she knows it's worse than a hell hole of anarchy and shit and she immediately gets attacked by street hockey players?" Kneumsi nodded. "Seems painfully clear to me." Jones coughed and said. "Then she gets rescued by the Warriors?" Aki shook her head. "No, those idiots are called The Riders. They're just rip offs of The Warriors. They really suck." Kneumsi held up a hand and said "Well, this part is pretty cool. Listen to that drum solo as the gangs meet up." "Wait." Aki said. "Watch." Kneumsi did and to his horror he discovered that the drum solo he was hearing was not coming from a song on the soundtrack. No. There was actually a drummer sitting around doing a solo by the waterfront. All four of them howled in frustration. "Oh, what, there just happens to be a drummer playing mood music over their dead friend?" Jones asked. Kneumsi scoffed. "Oh, of course. Why wouldn't a murder scene be the perfect place for some FUCKO to practice on his drumset. Fuck this movie!" "I'm leaving." Christine warned. "No." Aki pleaded. "We need as many of us as we can to complete the ritual. "Okay, fine." Christine said. "Who the hell is that chick?" Aki giggled. "That's not a chick. That's Young Ann's new boyfriend played by Mark Gregory, who is apparently male. His character name is, appropriately, Trash." "Is this Bronx Warriors or Glen or Glenda?" Christine asked, rhetorically. "I've never seen such a set of man boobs on a physically fit man." Jones said. "Why did they dub him if he was an American?" Aki sipped her beer and said "He's not. He was born Marco Di Gregorio in Rome, Italy. He can't act in ANY language, though." "Clearly." said Christine. "So we're supposed to believe this Ann chick is some wealthy elite who just got tired of her family and now has fallen in love with the lead singer of Spirit?" Jones scoffed. "This movie makes no sense." Aki said. "Is her father the president? If so, why is he in New York? Is he just some asshole? Either way, why did she run away from him?" "And why does he look like Fred Trump?" Kneumsi grunted. Aki laughed. "Good one! But seriously, don't expect logic from this film. It was directed by Enzo G. Castellari and written by Castellari along with... oh, you're going to love this, Kneumsi... Elisa Briganti and Dardano-" "Sacchetti!" Kneumsi finished for Aki with a disturbed scream. Christine jumped and asked "What's wrong baby?" Kneumsi shook his fist. "No movie with Sacchetti's name on it has ever been any good or even vaguely original. This is about to go from nonsensical to actually physically painful!" And it did. The man sent into the hell that is The Bronx to rescue "Young Ann" was played by Christopher Connelly, says incredibly stupid things like "Did you find the piss you were looking for?", is said to have a peg leg we never see (as he has two perfectly reasonable and identical boots on) and is named... Hot Dog. Fucking Hot Dog. All four viewers disliked him severely. Connelly soon became a memory of heaven as Vic Morrow took the screen in probably his most insane, over-the-top and ridiculous performance of his entire career as a character whose name is Hammer (because of course it is) who is either a rival gangster or someone else looking for Ann or just a dick whom nobody likes. Especially the four viewers that Thanksgiving cum Christmas Eve. "Oh SHIT!" Kneumsi squealed. "It's worse than I thought! I can take Connelly and Morrow, especially after Twilight Zone: The Movie but I can't take this! Nobody told me George Eastman was going to be in this!" "Who?" Christine and Jones said together. "Kneumsi, come back!" Aki said. She then addressed Christine and Jones as Kneumsi complied. "He's talking about the actor Luigi Montefiori, the sociopath best known for Antropophagus and its sequel Absurd." Jones nodded and said "Okay, so bad Italian horror movies. Weren't they still scary at least?" Kneumsi coughed into his elbow (politely) and said "You don't understand, man. Absurd is also known as Zombie 6!" Jones, Christine and even Aki squealed in agony. "Zombie 6? That one's worse than Manos, The Hands of Fate!" Jones cried out. Aki scoffed. "Zombie 6 is worse than The Room!" Christine laughed and asked "But is it as bad as Batman V Superman: Dawn of Justice?" "Can we please watch something else?" Kneumsi begged. "Yor, The Hunter From The Future? It's out on Blu Ray now. We can watch that. Or anything else. Anything!" "No." Aki said. "You have to understand, this location and this movie are vital to making Sagan rematerialize. Speculative fiction about the not too distant future when viewed from the very different future is the closest thing we have to an actual alternate timeline in the pop culture sphere." "Then let's just watch Watchmen!" Kneumsi pleaded. "From the director of BVS?" Christine reminded him. "I don't think so. So Kneumsi bore with the film even as it got progressively worse through terrible lines like "Shut your mouth and listen, asshole." and "You were born dead." and "Death walks with us and sleeps with us." and even as the film went full-on Warriors and had the Riders riding through the turfs of all the other (incredibly stupid) gangs out there in The Bronx... one of which is a Broadway and gold lamé version of the Droogs from A Clockwork Orange! At one point Jones exclaimed "Oh, I get it now. Manhattan Corporation... Arms dealers. And Ann is a pacifist. She's running away because she doesn't want to inherit daddy's business." "Oh, shut up, Jones, nobody cares." the other three barked at him. "Hey, I'm just trying to make sure I don't have to look at Gregory's 'moobs' anymore." Jones said. Kneumsi raised his hand and nodded "You're a smart man, Jones. Proceed." And nobody liked the movie. Nor were there any redeeming qualities. And all four of them felt ill, especially during the so-called "climactic" finale, which was anything but. "Whoa, wait a second!" Kneumsi burst. "Is that Fred Williamson?" Aki craned her neck slowly to observe Kneumsi to determine if he was kidding or not. "Uh, yeah. He's been in this from the beginning, playing The Ogre. Did you seriously not notice him until now?" Kneumsi shook his head. "Maybe it was that stupid goddam drum solo that distracted me enough to clamp my eyes shut." "Or those fucking man-boobs!" Jones offered. "Or, you know, this movie in general, am I right?" Christine added. "Good point, dear." Kneumsi agreed. As the final, horrible credits rolled Jones said, painfully, "So... everybody... just... died?" "Making the movie even more pointless?" Christine agreed. "Yet fulfilling the moronic promise of this incredibly stupid and bad turkey of a movie." Aki agreed. "So..." the voice of Kneumsi said "Did any of you like it?" "NO!" shouted the entire other three. "But did it work?" Aki demanded. "Did the alternate fictional universe of time and space coexisting on the filmic plane just as our own reality continues cause the rift that we require to bring back..." A red shimmering field came to life before them. "Flynn?" Jones asked, hopefully. But as the redness took some form of corporeal shape, Christine, Kneumsi and Aki all recognized the familiar pose from the cover of Superman #1." "Sagan Nagas!" all four of them shouted, although only Nagas Aki actually sounded happy about his appearance there. With great effort Nagas started to materialize. He began to thrust and thrash all around sort of like the lead singer of Aha in that killer, rotoscoped "Take on Me" video. "We have to help him!" Aki screamed. Kneumsi darted to the console and hit the reverse button so the movie would continue playing in some fashion. "Oh, JESUS, it's even worse in reverse!" Christine shouted. "Yeah. Now all the characters we hate are coming back to life!" Jones agreed, dejected. "Complain about it more!" Aki shouted over the electronic hum, not unlike the one the Westinghouse Brand Weird Time Oscillator Type Tachyon Thingy used to make. "It's working! It's working!" Then Nagas' own scream could be heard. "It is working. Keep bitching!" Kneumsi, Jones and Christine poured out their derision for 1990: Bronx Warriors in a stream of angry profanity the likes of which few have ever heard outside of a fair and balanced analysis of the Trump administration. It was almost safe to say that they hated 1990: Bronx Warriors almost as they hated Trump. Then, without warning the hum turned to a wet "splorch" or perhaps "sploitch" sound and the writhing figure was vomited into this reality covered in disgusting ectoplasm and shit (figuratively). "Nagas?" Christine asked. "Well I ain't the cover to Superman #1, lady." Nagas said as he sat up in his white armor with red trim and shook his weary head. "Are you okay?" Jones demanded (very demandingly) of Nagas as he held Aki back. "Let go of me." Aki shouted. "Not yet, he's one man of two timelines in a body much too young for his temporal experiences. Don't you realize if the flux hasn't abated he could suck you into the timestream with him?" Jones argued... but he really had no idea what he was talking about. Jones was a genius, but he was really a historian more than scientist. "I'm ok." Nagas said. "I'm ok. I'm, like, corporeal AF! Let her go." He did and the Nagases embraced romantically and almost kissed before Aki said "Ew, gross. Ectoplasm." "Not my fault." Nagas said and Kneumsi suddenly recalled why he couldn't stand the guy. Even setting aside all of the times Nagas had tried to torture and kill him, Nagas was really just kind of an obnoxious dork. "Nagas, welcome back, when are you leaving?" Kneumsi laughed. Nagas, still covered in goo, shook his head exhaustedly and narrowed his eyes up at Kneumsi. "What?" "Guys, guys, guys, nevermind all that!" Jones instructed urgently. "More importantly... where the hell is Flynn." Nagas spun his head around so quickly that the other four were spattered with ectoplasmic goo (which is gross) and said "What? You all haven't found her yet?" "It's worse than that, my love." Aki insisted. "Time is fragmenting. I left to find Flynn before Thanksgiving, arrived in relative time the Monday after and once we reunited with the others here it was Christmas Eve." Nagas started. "Christmas Eve and you're just now doing the Thanksgiving Turkey? Are you insane?" Kneumsi pointed at Nagas and said "Time is rupturing, PAL!" "Or are you just a lazy fucking writer, Kneumsi?" Nagas countered back. Kneumsi put his finger away, mumbling "I've been busy, ok?" Nagas pressed his advantage. "What film has the dishonor of being the late Turkey?" Jones made a disgusted face and said "1990: Bronx Warriors is the 2017 Thanksgiving Turkey." Nagas mirrored Jones' face and said "Ew!" Aki sighed. "This should have worked. Everything was planned to the letter. The alternate history movie, the locale, the happy meals, the Miller High Life. But something was missing. We got you but nothing else. No evidence of the Time Tender. No Flynn." "Time Tender is the key." Kneumsi indicated. "Read the prior entries and you'll see. It's all so clear." "How did you get away from him?" Nagas demanded (having caught the demand bug). "I don't kn-..." Kneumsi paused and said "Wait a minute. Aki... you were insistent that this should work but sadly it didn't help us with Flynn and even more sadly it did help us with Nagas." The Nagases rolled their eyes. Kneumsi continued. "Why these things? Why did it have to be this place?" Aki swallowed. "The alternate timeline is self-explanatory. And I thought this location was also. This is where you and Sagan Nagas first encountered each other. I rightly surmised that this is where your resonance would be strongest. It was this or your first ever Turkey, which, depending on how you calculate is probably at the demolished warehouse." "That makes sense." Jones agreed. Aki was about to explain more about this location, but paused in deference to her husband. Nagas slowly stood on shaky legs and his feet slid about in the ectoplasm as he took his own wooden chair. Somewhat ironically it was the same chair in which he had imprisoned Kneumsi back in 2009. He cleared his throat and said "Now I'm not used to this new reality where I'm this amalgamated creature of my young, old and immortal self coupled with the tachyon stream itself... nor am I really used to being a good guy, but... am I missing something here?" Kneumsi leaned forward in his own chair and pointed all five fingers of his left hand back at Nagas and said "Yes. You're not a good guy. How did you miss that?" "No." Nagas said. "Not that. But thanks. No... I mean this is not the location of our first encounter." The room fell silent. "What do you mean?" Aki asked, wide-eyed. Kneumsi slowly spoke. "Does The Executioner, Part II mean anything to you?" Aki gasped. "Nineteen Ninety-four." she said with eyes ever widening. "Over a decade before Troll 2. You met in Shreveport, Louisiana at the Dugout bar in a vain effort to fix the future before Kneumsi fucked with it!" "And I was retroactively at every event due to being abandoned in the past after we watched Troll 2." Nagas said. "But this IS where we first encountered Flynn." Kneumsi said. "At least where I did. Nagas brought her here from Jones' future." Silence again. Jones finally cleared his throat and said "But guys... if that's true... then where is Flynn?" The quintet looked at each other both in shock at the question and at how far from an actual review (or entertaining story) this piece had become, but no one had a viable answer. Their only response came from a low, rumbling laugh outside. The quintet looked at each other again and shrugged until Kneumsi made it to the window, raised the blinds and looked outside. "Zantorion the Conqueror." Kneumsi said in shock. "On your side, maybe." Aki exclaimed. "Over here I see Dick Butterworth." "Aw, FUCK, I HATE that guy!" Nagas winced. Christine peered out into the fog and trees and squinted. As her vision cleared she whispered "They're not alone!" From the foggy forest an army began to materialize. A multi-ethnic army the likes of which Zantorion the Conqueror would covet and Donald Trump would both shy away from and blame for America's problems. "Shit." Kneumsi said. "It's Zantorion's alien fuck army from a million worlds, dimensions and timelines." "And that's Dick Butterworth?" Jones asked. "Damn. He looks like hell lately. That guy has really let himself go." As they stared out various windows in horror at the approaching hoard a creepy, blood-red cloud of light began to catch their eyes. It was as if the fog had gone crimson and became a living thing. And inside that blood mist materialized a monstrosity of a cyborg. "God, no!" Kneumsi exclaimed. "This horrible movie did more than summon Nagas back into reality... it also signaled..." The other four focused on the giant monster of flesh and steel and shouted "The TIME TENDER!" The end… And the beginning. |
The 2017 Thanksgiving Turkey
Reviewed (late) by J.C. Maçek III
Who is solely responsible for the content of this site...
but not for the fractured timeline.
Got something to say? Write it!
This one is dickish.
Interesting tidbits. Since Nagas was the original Turkey Day guest and Kneumsi told the original guest that he had told him twenty years ago that Fahey was one to watch, maybe we need to address that later.
That would signify that Kneumsi recognized him... which, of course, he did.
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