Or better yet, if it WAS something in the water, maybe we could spike the reservoir in the here and now and fill the broadband wires with Lesbian Vampires! From The Blood Spatterd Bride to France's Girl Slaves of Morgana Le Fay to the chairwoman of the board, Vampyros Lesbos, Europe's Lesbian Vampires were all over the place... and also all over each other! It was a beautiful thing! I'm going to get some water, hang on!
This, of course, brings us to Vampyres, from director José Ramón Larraz! Vampyres saw its inception after the completion of Larraz' Symtoms, edited by Brit Brian Smedley-Aston! Much like the "Oh, what the hell?" creation of Blood for Dracula, Larraz and Smedley-Aston (possibly the most British name I've ever heard) decided quickly to fill their spare time with another flick! It would be directed and written by Larraz (with his wife D. Daubeney and Symptoms author Thomas Owen) and produced by Smedley-Aston's incredibly British self!
Wow, great idea. But what kind of content should this movie... um... contain? Vampires? Well... I don't know, man, Larraz said he doesn't really LIKE Vampires. He's more interested in making films about "The Human Condition".
That's what he says!
Hmmm... okay, then, what about "LESBIAN VAMPIRES"? Well, hell, yeah, then! What says "The Human Condition" better than gay ladies from beyond the grave having sex? One thing, though... Can we spell "Vampires" with a "Y" instead? That would be just a smidge hotter, no?
Y! I like it. Actually, I like ANY word with a Y and a V in it. It makes me think really sexy thoughts.
Oh, yeah, back to the movie! Um... Okay, who is to star in this thing? Okay... we need... um... models who don't mind getting naked on Camera! How about the beautiful Marianne Morris to play Fran? Yeah, she's BEAUTIFUL! Okay, who can play Miriam? Hey, how about luscious Anulka Dziubinska? She gets naked all the TIME! Hell, she's the May 1973 Playboy Playmate of the Month! We'll tell them later they're going to be having lots of Lesbian Sex!
True story, man! The film kicks off with blonde Anulka (as Miriam) and brunette Marianne (as Fran) having lesbian sex in an ancient English Castle (the same one you see all the time in Hammer Films and The Rocky Horror Picture Show)! It's a beautiful scene, but you know what happens? Some jackass bursts in and shoots them both during their coital bliss. DICK MOVE! What is that to satisfy all the Republican Knuckle Draggers in the audience who can't stop saying derisive and insensitive words like "Feminazi"? Fuck I hate you guys!
But I guess such a thing is necessary to get the plot going. You see, apparently, getting blown away in their sapphic coital bliss allows the two fair maidens to come back as Vampires to stalk the English Countryside looking for wayward motorists to both ride and feed on. I never realized Lesbian Sex could be the secret to Vampirism. I figured it had something to do with those Eleven Herbs and Spices, but no, it's apparently Lesbian Sex! I'm not sure if that's a compliment or an insult, so I'll remain neutral.
Sometime in the future a vacationing couple with a camper trailer cruise on through the same countryside narrowly missing giving Fran a lift. But what driver John misses, his girlfriend Harriet easily sees! Fran isn't alone and waiting behind her in the trees is Miriam.
The plan is simple and... hot. Fran asks for a ride from every driver out there who is benevolent (or hormonal) enough to pull over for a sexy hitchhiker. She then seduces said driver back to their castle where she has sex with them (making her a bisexual Vampyre)! And for dessert, she and Miriam suck their blood and then have sex with each other! On one hand, it appears to be a horrible way for a guy to die. On the other... they did still get to have sex with Fran, right? I'm wondering if the trade off might be totally worth it!
Naturally John (played by Brian Deacon) and Harriet (played by Sally Faulkner, who actually DID play Isobel Watkins on Doctor Who) choose a rather unfortunate place to park their camper... that being the courtyard of the very castle Fran and Miriam are still haunting. This makes them strange eye-witnesses to some of the stranger actions that go on around the palatial estate.
This also means that they run into Ted (Murray Brown) whom Fran apparently wants to have explicit sex with a few more times before she makes a meal out of him. Of course Ted-O can't help but wonder why he never sees his voluptuous maiden after the sun rises and why he keeps waking up with slash marks at the pressure points. Ouch.
Well, on the bright side, he's about to find his answers. And on the dark side... he's about to find his answers. So are a lot of other men.
And that's basically the core of Vampyres! Two beautiful sirens lead men to their bloody deaths and then have lesbian sex next to their corpses while one stays alive and wonders what the hell is going on and a vacationing couple park nearby and comment on just how peculiar everything is.
So, what is this film? Just a sex flick with some snuff elements therein? Well, no... and if it was merely that, it would certainly not warrant its Three Stars! Vampyres does borderline on soft core pornography and, to be sure, its MPAA X Rating and marketing in the USA as alternately Vampyres... Most Unnatural Ladies and Vampyres... Very Unnatural Ladies certainly pushed its more prurient aspects as selling points. Still, Vampyres is no mere porn. Unlike the current crop of nudity and lesbian-sex-infused B-Movies form the like of Shock-O-Rama and Seduction Cinema these 1970s European-Sensibility horror and exploitation flicks were artistic cinematic pieces with nudity and sex therein as part of the story. The cheap, straight-to-DVD and Cable flicks of today are quite the opposite. These are vehicles for naked women and sex and story and scenery are quite secondary.
Sure, it's easy to joke about films like these and, true, there are a great many exceptions to these rules, but take a look at this film! For one thing, the production design was by Ken Bridgeman, Art Director for Straw Dogs and Set Dresser for The Prisoner, therefore, Hammer House or no Hammer House, the film's sets look great! Further, the photography is beautiful, due in no small part to the fact that the Cinematographer was Harry Waxman, of The Pink Panther Strikes Again, The Wicker Man, Third Man on the Mountain and The Swiss Family Robinson! See the point? Yes, this is an erotic horror film, but it is a FILM first and Erotic Horror second.
The script is likewise interesting and daring, not simply a series of excuses for nudity and rolls in the sapphic hay. If only such care was given to similar films of today. Still, make no mistake Vampyres is a very, very hot film with beautiful, beautiful women engaging in hot sex with men every now and then and with each other as often as possible. The difference is that there is more to the film than merely this!
At the same time, for all the beauty to be seen here (in many categories) this isn't ultimately a feel-good film, but more of a strange twist on the "Back Woods Horror" films that feature villains waiting in the sticks to prey upon weary travelers. The fact that this one predates most of the films that have made such a plot famous says a lot about Vampyres, I think. While you may not find this to be among the best films ever made, it is an original take on the Vampire Mythos and a fascinating and hot piece of Erotic Horror. It might not be quite the best of the genre, but it's far from throwaway trash either.
Three Stars out of Five for Vampyres, yet another artistic erotic horror flick featuring Lesbian Vampires. Look, folks, I realize that reviews of movies like these are going to keep me from ever being a mainstream critic, but trust me, this is not only hot, but pretty good in its own right. Plus there's the shower scene, which... I'll never get over and the strip tease and... Okay, I'll stop! No I won't. Ever. Check out Vampyres, followed by The Nude Vampire, The Vampire Lovers, Countess Dracula, The Hunger, Lust for a Vampire and, of course, the chairwoman of the board... Vampyros Lesbos!
See you Vampire Lesbians in the next reel!
Did anybody else think that Harriet
Bore an uncanny resemblance to Emma Peel?
Hmmm... That'd be an amazing movie!
Click HERE for more reviews while I picture that!