These are the ones that you look at, do a double take, then relax after re-reading.
"Turkey invites pope to visit"
"Tribunal releases Saddam
"Helena Bonham Carter: Dead
-This one I'll admit is
just me. However, I sort of picture some large North American gallinaceous bird, putting on his Sunday Best, and possibly something like a Pilgrim's hat to have Pope Benedict over to his Coop for tea and birdseed. Wonder what they're going to gobble about!?!?
video"
-Sometimes a misplaced carriage return or line feed makes all the difference in the world... I read this one around the time that Saddam Hussein was being tried in Iraq and thought, "What the hell? Tribunal releases Saddam? Oh... Saddam video.
Scared for a minute there."
and loving it"
-In the same category as the headline above, I was on CNN.com and I see this: "Helena Bonham Carter: Dead"
So I'm like HOLY SHIT! NO!
Then I keep reading: "and loving it"
Oh... Corpse Bride
"John Kerry wins election - to jury"
-YES! I knew the re-counts would... hey! Oh, damn!
"Turkey says dead boy had bird flu"
-Oh, well then it must be true. I mean, who would know "Bird Flu" better than a Turkey?
(I'm telling you, I can't resist "Turkey" headlines!)
"Jury Selection Begins in '64 Miss. Deaths"
-This one is terrible, I know, but when I first saw it, I only recognized the "Jury" part and the "Miss" part and thought that this was about some new and morbid beauty pageant for hot Goth chicks: "Jury Selection Begins in '64 Miss Deaths Pageant".
Naturally the '64 should have tipped me off, but hey, if they're dead...
"Armstrong to marry Crow"
-Look, I knew that the mainstream news was getting shocking, but BESTIALITY! Good Lord! I found out later that Lance Armstrong was going to marry Sheryl Crow, but at first I was like "Holy Crap, man!"
"Woman beats off burglar with gnome"
-Yeah, again, I know what this one purports to mean, but all sorts of nasty images pop through my mind here. I'm assuming this means that a woman uses one of those obnoxious Garden Gnomes (or, worse, one of those pathetic curio gnomes) to hit a Burglar and thwart his robbery efforts.
However, I sort of picture a much more pornographic story going with this one. Either one of the aforementioned collectables is used as a reverse dildo on a chance stranger, or perhaps a real gnome showed up just at the same time a thief did, and the enthusiastic homeowner gave both of them a "happy ending".
Come on, Pilgrims...
"Musician catches anthrax off skins"
-Really? Wow! I love Anthrax. I've never caught them Live but I have one of their concerts on VHS! Boss!
This must have been the best day of that Musician's LIFE!
"Borg decides not to sell trophies"
-Well it makes sense... if everything has been assimilated anyway, what good would it do to sell anything. Especially the borg-i-fied Picard and Data!
"Snake robots could aid in rescues"
-But wouldn't "Snake Robots" be something one might need to be rescued FROM?
I smell a vicious cycle forming!
"Cutting-edge greeting cards"
-I hate paper cuts too, man!
"Anfal survivor tells of gas attack"
-I misread this one as "Anal survivor tells of gas attack" and I haven't stopped laughing yet!
"Turkey bombs: 'Police hunt two'"
-I had no idea that Officers of the Law loved bad movies as much as I do. Not just "Turkies", not just "Bombs", but "Turkey Bombs"! And they're going to sit through TWO of them! Whoa!
"Warding Off Evils in Post-War Uganda"
-See, I thought this said "Warding Off Elvis in Post-War Uganda"!
Now that I love. The War is over but... What's this? It's THE KING! AH! I'm being blinded by Rhinestones! AH! WARD HIM OFF! Oh, no, he's gonna sing "A-Hunk-a, Hunk-a Burnin' Love!" AAAAAAAAH!
"Dean prepares to whack Mexico again"
-Hurricane Dean or Howard Dean?
"Not only are we going to New Hampshire, Tom Harkin, we're going to South Carolina and Oklahoma and Arizona and North Dakota and New Mexico, and we're going to California and Texas and New York... And we're going to South Dakota and Oregon and Washington and Michigan, and then we're going to Washington, D.C., to take back the White House, and then we're gonna WHACK MEXICO! Byaaah!!!"
"Obama camp lying, McCain camp says"
-Dude, they have CAMPS now? I guess the Obama camp is free, while the McCain camp costs an arm and a leg. I wonder which one Jason Voorhees will stalk first!
"Ex-spy chief held in midair poisoning case"
-I love these loaded headlines!
Spy Chiefs inherently are interesting, I'd say, especially if their Chiefs of a Native American Tribe! So was he held in midair, or was there a poisoning case that led him to be arrested? Or did they mean 'held' literally again?
"Hi, I'm Clark Kent. I hear you're a former head of an espionage organization and that you might have poisoned someone. Come here, you... let's hug... let me hold you... (whispered) come on...)
And then as they ascend into midair the spy chief could say "Can you read my mind? Do you know what it is that you do to me? I don't know who you are. Just a friend from another star. Here I am, like a kid out of school. Holding hands with a god. I'm a fool. Will you look at me? Quivering. Like a little girl, shivering. You can see right through me. Can you read my mind? Can you picture the things I'm thinking of? Wondering why you are... all the wonderful things you are. You can fly. You belong in the sky. And I... could belong to each other. If you need a friend... I'm the one to fly to. If you need to be loved... here I am. Read my mind."
"Girl divorced at 10"
-That's 10 years old, not 10 o'clock, meaning... she knew pretty early it wasn't going to work out.
But the headline is made both funny and misleading by the (unrelated) headline that followed directly after:
- "Girl divorced at 10 5:22"
- "Who keeps the ring? 2:35"
I'm thinking you should just let her keep it, man. 10 year olds can be difficult.
"Infant in homicide case released"
-My guess is, he wasn't talking!
"Dad outraged by 'monster' molester's freedom"
-Man... perversion is really going to sick places when even Monsters are getting Molested!
"Broken 30-ton transformer halts experiment"
-When asked for comment, Megatron screamed "DECEPTICONS, RETREAT!" before being carried away by Starscream!
"Obama wants high-paying, high-skill jobs in future"
-Obama's already looking for new jobs beyond the presidency? Wow! And they said he was only using his Senate Seat as a stepping stone to the Presidency! Little did they know that he was actually using the Presidency as a stepping stone to more high-paying and high-skill jobs! I wonder what he'll do after THAT!
"Best-selling author shaped by cannibals"
-No elaboration required!
"Teen argued with teacher, vanished"
-Whoa! Did anybody get that last part on film? Sounds AWESOME. I picture something like "Well, to hell with you! POOF!"
"Loch Ness monster is real: former Scottish police chief"
-So for a short while Nessie was the Chief of Police in a Scottish town?
I wonder why she retired.
These are headlines that aren't misleading and aren't stupidly put together, but for some reason they just plain read hilarious off the page!
"Satan no match for God, says pope"
-This was one of the first non-ascension stories about Pope Benedict.
Upon reading this "news", I think I speak for Catholics and Protestants everywhere when I say "Oh, good!"
"Toads married to appease rain gods"
-Now I swear to you that I didn't make this one up! Reuters actually reported this as news.
Now, aside from the inherent comedy of amphibian pagan nuptials, imagine if all such rituals gained similar coverage. How about "Pair of Virginian Tourists sacrificed to Baal in horrifying misunderstanding". Or what about "Tantric Orgy deemed incredibly erotic by accidental viewer".
Now that second one, I'd really like to see.
And I do mean REALLY!
"Study: Stressed-out worms die young"
-Setting aside all possible questions beginning with "how do you know", I'm just not sure how this could possibly be considered "news".
Is this to inform Fisherman that they should play Barney records for their Worms before the fishing trip to make sure they live long enough to be bait? What about those "lucky" Crickets?
"Arnold gets same-sex marriage bill"
-I'm admitting that Governor Schwarzenegger's review of a law-to-be allowing gay marriage isn't terribly funny by itself, but it does illustrate how important the word TO is! Check it out: Take an ordinary headline:
"Arnold gets same-sex marriage bill"
Add the word "to":
"Arnold gets same-sex marriage to Bill"
And the Terminator's GOT A MAN!
"I'll be BACK! You be Front!"
The difference the word "To" makes... ah yes.
"'Deep Throat' Probably Won't Be Prosecuted"
-This is just fine in the context of the Watergate informant being too damned old to stand trial for being the Watergate informant. However, any headline about a government figure named after a Porn movie is an absolute Keeper (as are most headlines about "Turkey" that don't identify it as a nation). I'm wondering idly if this really means that Linda Lovelace won't stand trial for using her teeth, or if this means that the movie itself isn't going to end up being shown to a deprived and depraved jury.
"Bush: Never discussed abortion with Mier"
-So... she had it then?
"Tour boat fine could be $25"
-Well if a fine one's only twenty-five bucks, I could probably get a mediocre, acceptable, fair, or, really, even a crappy one for damned cheap!
"Hide and Seek with Kim Jong Il"
-Coming this fall to PBS, a hilarious new program for the young and the young at heart. Watch as one of the world"s portliest dictators finds fun places to hide around the yard, in the kitchen... anywhere! From the producers of "Where in the hell is Carmen Sandiego", It's "Hide and Seek with Kim Jong Il"!
"Wartime 'sluts' caused diplomatic waves"
-Sounds like the new Congressional Hot Tubs have just been installed on the Hill. Huzzah!
"Bad lasagne fells summit security"
-This one just reminds me of the Gary Larson Far Side comic depicting a bowl mugging other foodstuffs in the refrigerator entitled "When Potato Salad Goes Bad".
can't you just picture a big brick of Lasagna (or "lasagne" as the article indicates) in a leather jacket with a Club over one shoulder knocking out Security Guards left and right? I can!
But is he any match for Garfield?
"Man sues over glued genitals"
-This one doesn't even NEED extrapolation. This is hilarious. By the way, how is THIS news? I mean, the question WOULDN'T YOU? springs to mind. It's more likely that the news should be "Dude! Some chick glued this dude's jewels to him. Whoa!"
A lawsuit is just implied, man!
But the above headline is even funnier when you see what was printed just below it:
- "Man sues over glued genitals"
- "Fireballs fuel UFO speculation"
"Have I?"
"Mummified body found in front of TV"
-DAMN YOUR BLACK HEART, UPN MID-SEASON REPLACEMENT PROGRAMMING LINE-UP! DAMN YOUR BLACK HEART!
"Begorrah! Prehistoric Irishmen wore (French) hair gel"
-Proving that there was indeed a gay community in Ireland way back then!
What's Boston so worried about with their Gay Pride march anyway?
"Toyota sees Hyundai as threat in America"
-Yeah, them and Al Qaeda
"Democrats grill Judge Alito"
-They then served Judge Alito with some fava beans and a nice Chianti.
hiss-ss-ss-ss-ss-ss-ss
"Jimmy Carter: Give Hamas a chance"
-Sounds like a scary version of the John Lennon Classic! Can't you just picture old Jimmy sitting in a Bed of Peanuts with Yoko and the ghost of Arafat singing:
"Two, one two three four
Ev'rybody's talking about
Terrorism, Radicalism, Cronyism, Electionism, what a Schism
This-ism, that-ism, is-m, Syria's jism.
All we are saying is give Hamas a chance
All we are saying is give Hamas a chance
C'mon
Ev'rybody's talking about Oil Sheiks,
Earth Quakes, Birthday Cakes and camera shakes
Palestine and drawin' lines on Land Mines, and bloody valentines,
It's fine fine, fine fine.
All we are saying is give Hamas a chance
All we are saying is give Hamas a chance
Let me tell you now
Ev'rybody's talking about
Free Elections, Misdirection, chatter detection,
Crude filtration, Voter Registration, tax evasion,
California Raisins, Warring Nations,
And Frustrations!
All we are saying is give Hamas a chance
All we are saying is give Hamas a chance
Ev'rybody's talking about
The PLO, Jimmy Carter, Intifada,
Hussein Brothers, Egypt's Druthers, Fatah/ Hizbola,
West Bank, Gaza strip,
Elections held in every class...
Let's Kick some Abbas!
All we are saying is give Hamas a chance
All we are saying is give Hamas a chance"
"Victim 'sorry' for Cheney's ordeal"
-You have to love this administration. Vice President Dick Cheney shoots a man (the first time since old Aaron Burr went Postal on poor old Alex H.), and when that man starts to recover, he says he's Sorry for Dick's ordeal? Does this mean that the American People should apologize to Michael Bay because his Horror Remakes suck ass?
"Rumsfeld: Al Qaeda has better PR"
-Perhaps, but better than WHO? Certainly not better than Dick Cheney! We should all get PR like THAT!
"Frog killer found after 6-year stakeout"
-Man, I thought I had too much time on MY hands. Somewhere out there John Walsh is weeping tonight!
"Yanni held after domestic dispute"
-Yanni... let's not fight anymore. I'm sorry about this domestic dispute!
Let's just hold each other and talk!
"Corpse lay next to TV for 3 years"
-UPN, WILL YOU NEVER LEARN? DAMN YOUR BLACK HEART!
"Woman dies day after Disney ride "
-Oh, come on... the new Splash Mountain isn't THAT bad, is it?
"Unhappy hour beer costs man $1,251"
-Actually, if it was the right beer, it sounds TOTALLY worth it!
"State Department's No. 2 resigns"
-Okay, maybe Deputy Secretary of State Robert Zoellick wasn't all that great in his post, but do you really have to call him "Number Two"? He should sue these potty-mouths for defamation of character, man!
"Axl Rose held for 'biting guard'"
-And I remember when he only had an Appetite for Destruction!
But at least someone "held" him afterward. He probably needed a hug!
"Science reveals secrets of invisibility"
-What, a contract with the William Morris Agency? ZIP ZANG!
"In violent Kabul, a new Coke plant"
-Whoa, I knew that "New Coke" was a horrible drink, but I didn't realize it could be used as a weapon in the war on terror! RUN, FORREST, RUN!
"Whale destroys boat, 'says sorry'"
-This... Well... I... Um... I... I don't even know where to begin!
"Polo-playing elephant crushes bus"
-I... uh... Oh my... I'm speechless again!
"Giant rabbits could fight N. Korea hunger"
-I'm going to choose to picture the most hilarious possible concept surrounding this headline... something like Bunnies the size of the Statue of Liberty cultivating crops and defending the poor against the despotic regime of one Kim Jong-Il... Because the reality is disturbing as hell!
"Homebuyer finds corpse on couch"
-YOU MEAN EVEN AFTER THE ADVENT OF "THE CW" THE RIPPLE EFFECTS OF UPN'S PROGRAMMING CONTINUE TO BE FELT? DAMN YOUR BLACK HEART, UPN! DAMN IT!
"Study: Female cheetahs sleep around"
-DUH! That's why they're called CHEATahs!
"Men-only clubs face crackdown"
-Ew! Actually, now that I think about it... EW!
"Latest severed foot proves to be a hoax"
-Oh Good! Wait... that STILL SUCKS!
"TSA: Drunk fire-starter on jet in custody"
-This headline is SO loaded, I almost wonder if it's going to try to start a fire on a jet and get arrested.
"Single dad choosing between food, gas"
-EAT AT PEDRO'S TAQUERIA! You get the food first, then amazing amounts of Gas! NO EXTRA CHARGE!
"$500 a month, free gas to drive a billboard"
-A billboard that reads "EAT AT PEDRO'S TAQUERIA!" no doubt!
"Son wonders if dad's wife poisoned him"
-Don't all step-sons wonder this about their Step-Monsters?
He should ask himself this... did she take him to PEDRO's?
"Pregnancy boom at Gloucester High"
-MMMMMM, that MacBeth is such a TURN ON!
Anybody check on Glamis?
"Spike enters teen's nose, lodges in brain"
-Yeah, I can't forget those loveable "Mars Blackman" commercials, either!
"Ticks on a plane delay flight for six hours"
-That's IT! I have HAD it with these MOTHER FUCKIN' TICKS on this MOTHER FUCKIN' PLANE!
"Bear breaks into electronics store"
-Proving that the Wii really is almost impossible to get otherwise.
"Dozens of catfish 'walk' on street"
-Probably having heard the local electronics store has a limited supply of Wiis in stock!
"Giant mysterious blob found floating off Alaska coast"
-Sarah Palin indicates she can see it from her house... it's called RUSSIA!
These are cases in which a writer or editor thought they were being cute, but came off dumber than Jaws 4!
This also includes headlines about really serious (even tragic) subjects that are phrased far too wrongly or stupidly to be taken as either serious or tragic:
"Jury selection begins in 'Survivor' tax trial"
-The seventh person voted out of Survivor Tax Fraud... and the first member of our jury is...
"South Africa's military battles HIV"
-Okay, nothing funny about HIV... nothing funny about the Continental African epidemic... but this particular image... I'm sorry, it's too strange not to share.
Can't you just picture the South African military taking aim at microorganisms? Okay, just me, I'll stop!
"Moss gathers Stone's support"
-In relation to Sharon Stone speaking out in favor of confessed Cocaine user Kate Moss, we get this wince-worthy play on "A Rolling Stone Gathers No Moss!"
I'm not even sure that's clever but I will say I'm glad it wasn't Bill Wyman or Ron Wood speaking out for her. Then the headline would really suck!
""Brokeback Mountain" scores at Critics' Choice"
-Well, Brokeback Mountain got a little this weekend! It was touch and go, at first, for Brokeback Mountain, as the acclaimed film showed up at the ceremony dateless. However, shortly after arriving at the spiked punch bowl, B.M. locked eyes with Memoirs of a Geisha and the two copulated in a broom closet. Way to go, Brokeback!
"'Brokeback' fans want cowboy experience"
-Then Heath Ledger had better start taking a lot of Viagara! He's got his work cut out for him, man!
"Girl testifies Tigger molested her"
-God bless her, this is the headline to a story about a poor teen who was fondled (not a child who was "molested" if you read the actual article) by a grabby guy in a Tigger Costume at a Disney Theme Park.
However, that's not what the headline states. This makes me wonder if I could ever leave the room while a child of mine is watching "Welcome to Pooh Corner!"
"Fat activists protest diet industry"
-Well, if they're that active... how'd they end up so fat? The rest... speaks for itself.
"Maggots make medical comeback"
-The Doogie Howser of Fly Doctors is finally getting his due after an unjustified disbarment last season!
"Sony puts robot dog to sleep"
-In other news, idiotic Sony Headline puts Brother Kneumsi to sleep!
"Gizmo 'changed stop lights green'"
-What the hell, did someone feed him after midnight?
Will you people NEVER LEARN?
"Beatles online? Finally, they let it be | Apple vs. Apple"
-Oh, I get it... you... you incorporated one of their song titles into your Headline. How... How witty!
You know... Charles Manson did crap like that too?
"'Cigarette lighter' tower on fire"
-Talk about a self-fulfilling prophecy.
This is like when Lou Gehrig got Lou Gehrig's disease!
"Three hurt as squirrel goes nuts"
-Ugh... a new low.
"Flood victims regret what wasn't saved"
-Tragic? Yes. Obvious? Incredibly.
How often, seriously, has there been a tragedy in which somebody said "It's just too bad more couldn't've been destroyed!"?
"Did 'horror clinic' do needless surgeries?"
-I'm going to go with "Yes" on this one. Seriously, wouldn't this be exactly what separates a 'horror clinic' from, oh, I don't know... a 'clinic'?
Folks, if you need some medical attention and you notice that the sign reads "Horror Clinic", you might want to do an about face and seek healin' elsewhere!
"It's better than sex, they say"
-Then "they" are doing it wrong.
"Mom pinned note on me, gave me away"
-Luckily CNN.com gave me a job writing HEADLINES!
"Close-up photos expose rarely seen planet"
-Fucking Paparazzi!
"Attack Mars Pakistan Polls"
-This is most certainly my favorite headline of all time. It's the headline for a tragic and terrible bombing of Pakistani voting booths, and I'm not even sure this is easily taken out of context, particularly with my love of democracy and hatred of terrorism.
However, the way I read this was that after an important Vote for the people of Pakistan, they all, as a majority, decided to declare a Jihad against the fourth planet from our Sun. I picture old Pervez Musharaff reading either The War of the Worlds or The Martian Chronicles while on the commode and deciding it was time to be proactive.
From the stupidest and most insulting headlines to the boarderline invasion of privacy stories, these are the news stories that are anything by NEWS!
"'Idol' fan princes argue over remote"
-Princes William and Harry like Friends and American Idol enough to fight over the remote control.
How the HELL is this "News"?
"Baby Brangelina: A million-dollar photo?"
-Because, they're celebrities, you see, and so their baby is PUBLIC DOMAIN, and it's not really invasion of Privacy to chase them all over the world and take a picture of their baby without permission! When will celebrities realize they have no right to a personal life?
How the HELL is this "News"?
The news story should be "Photographers sink to even lower depths!"
"Men beat each other bloody for fun"
-In other news, Birds discovered to have FEATHERS!
"Lance Bass: I'm gay"
-And Fish can Swim... HELLO!!!
"Ex-Beatle: I've seen psychiatrist"
-Good on ya, Paul, because we can't have any hint of "Crazy" in Rock and Roll, now can we?
"Pakistan doubts cricket murder"
-And J.C. Maçek III doubts that a dead cricket story could count as news.
"Roto-Rooter sucks kitten from drain"
-Roto-Rooter... is there anything it can't do?
Hell, it even made this HEADLINE suck more!
"William Shatner watches old 'Star Trek' episode, deems self 'rather good'"
-Yes, Yes, the objective viewpoint of William Shatner looks back upon his work and offers a critique that we can all get behind.
"U.S. exports bras, bull semen to Iran"
-It's not so much that I don't think this is NEWS... it's that I wonder if these belong in the SAME Headline. Truth to tell, I dared not even read it, fearing I might discover how these two are linked.
Take THAT, Iran!
"Stripper, 80, still taking her clothes off"
-News (\'nüz, 'nyüz\) - a: material reported in a newspaper or news periodical or on a newscast b: matter that is newsworthy (Merriam-Webster.com)
"'Lion' on loose may just be a dog"
-Yeah, but let him dream.
Basically this means what? While this isn't newsworthy, it was even LESS newsworthy than we thought?
"Girl slides 78 feet on ketchup"
-And the News slides once again to a ridiculous low.
"Paris Hilton's dogs alive and well"
-Oh, thank GOD!
And to think that I've been wasting time trying to follow stories about survivors of the recent HURRICANES.
NOW I CAN REALLY REST!
"Lindsay Lohan confirms she's dating a woman"
-I'm not saying that this isn't news, surprisingly.
In fact, I think this is fantastic news... and I just wanted to tell somebody!
"In Hollywood, sexuality is less secret"
-And on CNN.com, the Headlines are much more OBVIOUS!
"Bigfoot discovered? Virginia man says he's on verge of Bigfoot discovery"
-So, no Bigfoot hasn't been discovered and this Virginian jackoff hasn't actually done shit?
Why not call us when there's a little somethin'-somethin' to report there, you stooges!