Wouldn't it be hilarious if the President started a Press Conference by screaming "FOOD FIGHT!" and pelting all of the White House Correspondents with Banana Creme Pies and hands full of jello? And then the Press Corps starts ripping open their lunch bags and reciprocating with bologna sammiches and hard boiled eggs and drink boxes filled with Minute Maid Pink Lemonade and crap like that? Let me answer that for you... HELL YEAH, it would!
Hey, wouldn't it be even funnier if the 2010 Christmas Turkey was Terminator 2? Wait, wait, wait, let me finish... wouldn't it be funny if in 1990, a year before Jim Cameron released Terminator 2: Judgment Day a bunch of Bad Italian Horror Maestros followed the ancient and dishonorable traditions of Zombi 2 and Alien 2 to produce their own unofficial sequel to 1984's Terminator? And wouldn't it be even MORE hilarious if the film actually was an almost scene-for-scene remake of ANOTHER, totally unrelated Jim Cameron movie called Aliens, but with that dorky Burke character replaced by a big, lumbering, angry, yet still dorky cyborg rip-off of the Terminator? Folks, I wish I was making the above paragraph up, but it's 100% the absolute truth of what happened, man! Who would DARE do such a ridiculous thing and expect it to work? Well, let me throw one more bone out there to you folks... wouldn't it be funny if the Christmas Turkey for 2010 was another film from fucking Bruno Mattei and Claudio Fragasso? Yeah, I know, I know, both this year's and last year's Thanksgiving Turkeys were films from those two clowns, but folks, how could I possibly pass this piece of cyborg shit up, especially during Operation: Sci-Fall 2010? I must confess, I'm starting to feel like a bully picking on the nerdy kids in the class, but the very audacity it took for them to make a turd like this unquestionably means they were ASKING for it. Sort of like if the nerdy kids in class showed up for Football Practice and pretended to be the Team Captain and the Coach. Might I say they'd get their asses kicked? Might I add, rightly so... and I'll show them no more quarter in this review. Holy Fucking SHIT, man... "Terminator II"? It sounds like something someone would make up just to be funny. I told my Dad about this flick and similar Bad Italian Rip-Offs and he asked me (with a straight face, I might add) if these were done for a Tax Write-Off or something. He couldn't fathom anybody CHOOSING to watch this crap, even in the case of mistaken identity. And neither can I. If I wasn't reviewing it, I'd never make it through the first ten minutes, kids. Watching this flick is like listening to some really bad, poorly tuned cover band performing your FAVORITE SONG, mixing up the verses and getting a lot of the lyrics wrong while you're getting your wisdom teeth removed without anesthetic. Yes, it IS that bad. And I'm not even kidding about this being a rip-off of Aliens either... it's note-for-note, in spite of its title! Every element is recreated (BADLY) here, making its alternate titles of "Aliens 2" and "Alienators" much more appropriate. Check this shit out... In a futuristic, polluted Venice, Italy (because Fragged-Asshole and Bluto M'Toy couldn't afford to film any outer space sequences to set this one on another planet) a bunch of clean-up workers lose contact with control, so the... "Tubular Corporation" (I wish I was kidding) SENDS IN THE MARINES! Except, of course, they don't call them "Marines" here, they call them... ha, ha, ha, ha, ha the Mega Force. And the mission of these flared-shoulder pad wearing, hopelessly 80s-esque Military Pastiches is called... ha, ha, ha, ha, ha "Operation Delta Venice"! Oh good heavens! Of course you have to have the tough, suggestedly Lesbian military chick in Koster (Geretta Geretta) and her mutually insulting sidekick Kowalsky (Paul Norman Allen) along with a whole gaggle of ineffectual stupor soldiers who are as generic as hell, so why bother mentioning them. Well, there is Franzini (Fausto Lombardi) who seems to exist to show how fucking dumb Koster is, considering her surprise when she discovers that a "Wop" (not my word) is included on a mission in... VENICE, ITALY. I only wish the rest of the cast was much smarter. Our Ripley rip-off is named Sara (Haven Tyler). I only hope her last name wasn't supposed to be "Connor". She's included in ha, ha, ha, ha, ha "Operation Delta Venice" apparently because she's some kind of scientist. Yeah, because when a bunch of scientists go missing in the sewers of Venice the best thing to do is send in more scientists. Fuck, man! But I'll give her this... she's a lot more formidable than the douchebags who are supposed to be the heroes. In fact, I don't even mind telling you about the villain in this crap fest of a movie! See, to represent the ha, ha, ha, ha, ha "Tubular Corporation", the smarmy little guy is replaced by a big former Marine who is every bit as believable as a tough guy as the rest of the ha, ha, ha, ha, ha "Mega Force"! His name is Samuel Fuller (played by Christopher Ahrens) and he helps out the audience (whom Claudio and Bruno clearly EXPECTED would be mentally challenged) by giving long, evil looks sideways at other characters every time their backs are turned! See, that way we know he's a villain, right? Right. That's helpful, because, you know, if they'd gone all out and given him a Snidely Whiplash mustache to twist, the audience wouldn't confuse him for the Terminator, right? The thing is, the idiots who made this clearly needed to give the audience helpful hints. Thing is, if you're dumb enough to pick this film up, or Alien 2 or any of the other bullshit bad Italian unofficial sequels out there, then you're dumb enough to need help understanding the PLOT... even if you HAVE seen Aliens already. On the Aliens tip, the "Remake" aspect here is funnier than an All-Hamster recital of A Chorus Line! Every scene is predictable with most lines stolen directly from the original film. It's incredible! You can pretty much set your watch by when the cocooned people come to life and grab the investigating soldiers. You know just when the team with the motion detector discovers the Monsters should be RIGHT ON TOP of them (because they are) and there's no question that pretty soon they're going to locate a young girl survivor to complete the rip-off (Dominica Coulson's Samantha)! Hey, you remember the part of Aliens when Newt is in that Industrial Complex and ends up falling and sliding down into the catacombs of the plant? Well the same thing happens here, but instead of having Samantha hit a practical part of the set, Bruno and Claudio actually install a slide, a children's slide, like you'd find at a McDonaldland Playground, into the middle of a sewer treatment plant for her to slide down. What in the name of TIMOTHY FUCK? SO the designers of the scientific station under Venice said "Hey, you know what this place could use? A SLIDE, man! WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" Naturally, just like in Alien and Aliens a character is revealed to be a Robot, but instead of a milquetoast milk-spitting android we get a Terminator Rip Off. To complete the idiotic foretaste and promise of the cash-in, rip-off, douche-bag title, at some point, of course, they have to find a Time Machine and travel to a pre-apocalypse world... just not naked this time. In fact, there's NO nudity. Thank you, Bruno and Claudio. I sat through this twice for NOTHING! Let me back track a second and ask... who in the name of all I hold HOLY would install a Time Machine in a SEWER? Same punk-ass who thought up the SLIDE? It's even called the ha, ha, ha, ha, ha "TUBULAR TIME POD"! It's like "Totally Tubular, Bro, we're goin' back in Ti-ime!" Is that it? Were Bill and Ted secretly behind this entire film? That would explain an assload. Needless to say that while there are some Terminator references here (done out of memory, as I doubt the budget had a provision for even renting the first film), if it happened in Aliens it probably happens here (except for the time machine). From Newt (oh, I mean Samantha) biting the hand that rescues her, to Ripley (oh, I mean Sara) racing through the plant against the self-destruct clock trying to rescue the kid while hideous monsters are all about, it's in there like PREGO, man! The thing is, though, it's scarcely even successful as a rip-off. It feels more like a few people with a camera said "Hey, wouldn't it be cool if we acted out Aliens from memory? My dad works in the Sewer and we can shoot down there!" I hate this movie! I've seen High School drama class adaptations of movie scenes that worked better than this... and looked better, too! But this is what we can expect from Bruno Mattei whose best movie was still a Dog! And Claudio... Fucking Claudio Fragasso, man... what a DOUCHE! This guy has no idea how to write. I'm only thankful he didn't try to direct the damned thing. It feels like he may have rented Aliens (again, budget permitting) and wrote down as much of the film in pencil on bar napkins and porn receipts and handed it to Bruno with a few cosmetic changes for the thinking-impaired and said "Make this into a movie, wouldja? I'll be in the can!" and Bruno was like "But I have never seen Aliens!" Amazingly they both got paid. Holy fucking shit. The only thing worse than the ridiculous movie is the incredibly dumbass ending which approximates the quality of one of those Pro-Wrestling storylines from TV. You know where the bald hick steals the white-trash girlfriend of the long-haired chick and they... yeah, I don't watch it either. Just trust me... it's that bad. I just can't believe I even sat through this slice of Turkey Shit on rye. It's horrendously acted (not that even a MASTER Thespian could make the dialogue stand up even with superglue), the special effects are cheap (there's a reason we don't see much of the villainous Booger Monsters) and the directing is as amateurish as... well, as any given Bruno Mattei flick. I could pretty much predict without even seeing the damned thing that a bad Italian rip off, faux sequel, unofficial remake like Terminator II would be a Turkey, or, as we call them on WorldsGreatestCritic.com, a DOG, but this is ridiculous! Who KNEW it would be horrible enough to warrant being named as the 2010 Christmas Turkey? Well... I'm guessing Bruno and Claudio knew it was that bad. Folks, you can't make up crap like this, it really happened... and apparently Bruno and Claudio can't make up Jack Q. Shit either, seeing as how everything they ever did was a rip off of something else that somebody else did vastly better and vastly cooler. Fuck, these guys suck ass!!! I know, I'm bullying the crap-bag filmmakers again, I'm sorry, I'm mean, I know it, but trust me... they deserve it for sucking THIS much. Vacuum cleaners are put out of business by these clowns. Actual Leeches envy their suckitude. Pulsars and Black Holes suck less. Fuck... FUCK!!! Just avoid this Turkey on Christmas or ANY OTHER DAY! I watch bad movies so you don't have to. Shit. Now if you'll excuse me, a Truck Driver friend of mine wants to have a singalong. Apparently he wants to sing a love song to his straight razor... and I think he's found just the song to do it! |
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