The Roommate (2011)
(Release Date: February 04, 2011)

Hot Women, Bad Movie!Hot Women, Bad Movie!

Obsession is her Major!!!

J.C. Maçek III... 

Not a Lesbian Movie... I WISH it was, though!
J.C. Maçek III
The World's Greatest Critic!!!

My first thought while watching The Roommate was that... damn... I went to the wrong college. Don't get me wrong, my Alma Mater was packed with Date Bait, but I've scarcely seen a gathering of more beautiful undergrads since the last Kelly the Coed flick! The THIRD thing that came creepingly to mind is that supporting actor Billy Zane's carrer has seen better damn days, man. Holy crap on a LOG. I love the guy, but DAMN! This was directly attributable and, as they say on Leave It To Beaver, "on-account-of" the SECOND thing that slouched morosely toward the old brain-pan, that being... The Roommate is not very good, man!

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Oh, it's not as bad as sharpening the old electric lawnmower blade while it's still attached and finding out the hard way it's still plugged in and your dog has a "thing" for switches or as miserable as, say, having a rhinoceros strapped to a tree trunk and rocketed into your crotch or, you know, finding yourself on the business end of an Elephant Gun and an actual three-legged elephant is pointing the damned thing at you demanding you return that umbrella holder you've been coveting or, hey, like Answering the Iron or sitting on the commode and finding out the plunger is still in it, but it is pretty gosh darned bad!

Credit where due, director Christian E. Christiansen does put in one really beautiful tracking shot into the film. You hear that? ONE! The movie is ninety-one minutes long, dudes and chicks and the director manages a a mere singular solitary beautiful shot! You want to know what's worse? The shot in question takes place during a shower scene... and it's the camerawork that's memorable, man! What is it with this Christian Christiansen guy, anyway, if that IS his real name?!?!? Sounds made up to me, actually, kind of like something a televangelist might think up to draw in fund-hurling viewers, doesn't it?

Holy crap on the shelf! Sigh... But anyway... about that plot.

We kick off the tale (note, not "tail") of The Roommate with the superbly hot new freshman coed named Sara Matthews, appropriatly played by superbly hot actress Minka Kelly. She looks as unrealistically unattainable as if she just stepped out of a Guess Ad, even though she acts like one of the sweetest young hopeful undergrads since Rebecca of Donnybrook Farm!

On that picturesque campus she meets tons of interesting people, most of whom are improbably beautiful, such as the yummy Maria (Nina Dobrev) and the delectable Tracy (Alyson Michalka whose shower scene should've been more mind - and pants - blowing)! Folks, even the faculty at this art school is packed with date bait like Jacqueline Mazarella and the aforementioned Billy Zane (who still rules, in spite of this).

And the drooling continues when heading to a Frat Party with her luscious lady friends, Maria and Tracy! See the lame-ass TKE house band's drummer is Cam Gigandet's Stephen who looks like he spends a fortune on spiking glue and constantly wears that I-Just-Ate-A-Lemon look on his face in the hopes that chicks will find him cute. This is good for Sara, considering her last boyfriend (Matt "Cartooon Anakin" Lanter's Jason) was douchey enough to go off to Brown University without her ass. Actually, his going off to Brown without her beautiful ass doesn't necessarily make him a douche, but it does suggest that he might be a closet gay.

What's the point of this prolonged intro? Well, it just goes to show how Sara might just need a sweet streak of loyal stability in her life... unfortunately, she thinks she might have found it in the title character of this freak-flick... Leighton Meester's dreamy character of Rebecca, aka... The Roommate (he says as if this wasn't already clear as liquid crystal).

From this point on... well as anyone over 21 has mentioned, if you've seen Single White Female, you can pretty much guess most every part of this film. Yeah, the seemingly ideal, beautiful young dorm-dweller soon becomes an obsessive little freak, first keeping creepy tabs on Sara, then becoming increasingly jealous of everyone from Tracy to Jason to Sourpuss Stephen to even Sara's successful (and also hot) old Amiga Irene (Danneel Harris... sounds like a character from an Asimov novel).

To be honest, at least at first, Miss Meester does do a pretty good job of seeming like a sweet, wide-eyed innocent while hiding just about eight million gallons of creepy just under that thin veneer of doe-eyed sweetness. (Yes, I realize I described her eyes twice... look at her, they're worth it).

To be fair, none of the actors particularly suck steak-flavored twizzlers. On the other hand each of the characters are as thin as onion-skin paper with a Rod McKuen poem typed on it. Hot Damn, man!!! This could be that, although this is Sonny Mallhi's fifth Producing credit, this is only the first writing credit on Sonny's shadowy resume. Not that the directing of Christian "The Christian" Christiansen helped realize this idea much. Dude, after the first sixty minutes I had to double check that this story was set in Los Angeles and not Nebraska considering all the CORN that Christian and Sonny were husking all about every frame.

Then again, Corn (not to mention a positively Wisconsin level of CHEESE) is purely incidental to this film. The point of making this Hippo hat wasn't to avoid cheese or corn or even to make a good movie... the point was to make a cute trailer that could conceivably pack in veritable ass-loads of teens and tweens into every one of the 2534 Screens that Screen Gems booked this corny, cheesy PG-13 flick into!

Then again, considering the fact that The Roommate made almost 94% of its budget back in the first weekend it was out, it looks like the marketing worked just fine, thank you ever-so-much, and while this stupid movie is only sharing its space with a big, fat Two Stars out of Five, it's pretty gosh darned clear that there will be a used lent-roller full of more flicks just as cheap and easy as this one. Admittedly, the women (and even some of the men, not that I sway that way) were absolutely beautiful in this flick, but note to those who would dare be too hasty in entering that theatre for this reason alone... hot is hot, but there is absolutely no Nudity whatsoever in this slick, cracked flick. See you in the Next Reel, Reelmate!!!

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The Roommate (2011)
reviewed by J.C. Maçek III
Who is solely responsible for the content of this Post-Collegiate site
And for the Fast Fashion by which he wrote this thing...
Under the Influxed Influence of red wine... which is worth obsessing over!
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Yes, I AM tired of Spoiled Rich Chicks obsessing over me...
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