If a Fire Breaks Out on your floor:


by J.C. Mašek III

At the first sign of Smoke or Fire...


  1. Do your best not to wet your pants. Ascertain whether this is an actual fire, or if Jason, Justin, Ian and Bill are simply toking up on a king dope fucking joint and getting baked... again.

  2. Try to locate the source of the fire by imagining where you would be if you were a flaming mass. Ignore all imaginings related to Liberace.

  3. Grab the nearest fire extinguisher and use it to break down the nearest escape door for faster egress. Do not attempt to put out the fire yourself as Jason, Justin, Ian and Bill have emptied each of the floor's fire extinguishers during their after-hours wheeled-office-chair Jet Race at which you played Referee. Curse yourself for this.

  4. Remember, always feel the door before you open the damned thing. If the door is hot, you may only feed it a gulp of oxygen by opening the door. Remember, experiencing a Back Draft would be awesome... totally, totally bitchin', I know, but remember... you can only experience a Back Draft once!

  5. Bitch-Slap the first co-worker to start singing "The Roof Is On Fire". In the event that the co-worker is actually warning you that the roof is on fire, and not making a pop-music joke, apologize for the bitch slapping and run.

  6. Dial 911. Ask yourself angrily why you went through the above five steps before dialing 911. Explain to the 911 operator that the Roof is on Fire. Call back after being hung up on and assure him or her that the God Forsaken Roof really is on fire, and that their "assing around" has just killed someone.

  7. Before heading to the narrow, air-conditioning-free, concrete stairs, make sure you swing by the kitchenette to get some little weenies or marshmallows... I mean, you might be dying, but that's no reason to waste a really kick-ass campfire!

  8. Should the situation appear utterly hopeless, begin requesting sex, sex and more sex from your co-workers, in the hope of one last fling. Should you get no takers at all you're probably a big, fat hunk of hog that no one would pork even with their last breath, and you need a haircut. This is okay, really, because after your 35 seconds of glory had gone by, then what would you do?

  9. Never attempt to use the elevator during a fire because you might create a mobile oven in which you, yourself are the rotisserie chicken! Meaning, you're going to have a bad time! Instead, run toward the evacuation stairs and grab the rolled up, canvass fire hose found next to it. Unroll this as much as you can and dangle it out the window. You might be able to use this to climb down all 21 stories to safety!

  10. Assuming (ha ha) that you do make it to terra firma, realize that there's no way you're going back to work today. Lead your friends and co-workers in a rousing rendition of Alice Cooper's "School's Out", and feel free to rub this in the face of the bosses.

  11. Should you trace the fire back in your mind to one of your own negligent actions (and let's face it... it was only a matter of time), use this down-period to find a way to blame Jason, Justin, Ian and Bill!

J.C. Mašek III cares about you and your safety. This parody was created for your security!
Good day, and God Bless!

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