Tips on being the best executive you can be:


by J.C. Mašek III

So you've been named an Executive in your Corporation...
here are some Ideas to help you kick company booty!



  1. Do your best not to wet your pants. Remember that as an executive you are still subject to the drug tests mandatory to the rest of the kids. You have to set a good example, so make sure your usual breakfast of Cocaine, Pot and Speed are replaced by good old fashioned American, all natural Vodka Martinis, shaken not stirred.

  2. Remember that you're in the public eye, even if it is the collective eye of a colony of gaggling smeg-heads that you don't see as fit to wash your car. In light of this, make sure you've got your Executive Speak down. For example... no one is ever "Fired" or "Laid Off"! Instead, you've been "given the opportunity to eliminate certain non-core positions"! Retain this ideology for life, especially if you're given the contract to replace Donald Trump on The Apprentice! When the United States Public sees you replacing "The Donald" and his "Your Fired!" with your own teased coif, pointing finger and the admonishment "YOU'VE BEEN DEEMED NON-CORE!" then you can be damned sure that Momma is Proud!

  3. You are not here to be "Liked", and let's face it, with your hair, gait, nervousness, sweaty palms and loose socks, you're no more going to be liked here than you were your junior year in high school when your Aunt was your Home Coming Date. If someone from "the floor" dares make eye contact with you, see their immediate supervisor before passing go or collecting two-hundred dollars. Make sure that they realize that it's their job to instill fear of you into their departments, and that no one is to think of themselves as being on your level. Never attempt to say this directly to an employee because some of them really look like "toughs" and your gym membership card hasn't left that same dank part of your wallet in 17 months.

  4. Treat employee complaints as legitimate issues worthy of your full attention and objectivity. Without such an eye to underling concerns the peasants will probably not feel comfortable coming forth and showing how ready they are to be unemployed. You have to weed out the trouble makers somehow, yes?

  5. It doesn't matter if you're gay, straight or bi... make sure you sexually harass both genders equally, that way if some pesky mid-level suck-up files a law suit, it can be quickly dismissed because you're "just like that with everybody!"

  6. Evaluate and carefully consider your title, making sure it fully conveys your intentions with the company. If "CEO" or "President" doesn't quite meet your ambition, changing your title to "Master", "Lord Chamberlain", "Chief Magistrate in Perpetuity", "Oh Captain My Captain", "The Man", or, quite simply, "GOD" might get the message across to all of the Anxious Peons at your feet.

  7. Under no circumstances should you use your Dungeons and Dragons character name when working up a new title! Does Yorick, Monarch of Elves, Master of the Depth Cell inspire awe? Maybe, but keep in mind that a number of fat, hairy, bespectacled sweaty Game fanatics on your payroll will undoubtedly show up at your office door snorting "Aw, dude, you play DnD? Dude, so do we, dude, and dude, maybe we should play together one day soon, dude, because dude, that would be suh-weet, wouldn't it? We've got a lot in common, dude, and dude, shouldn't we all start waiting in line dude for the next Everquest game, dude? It looks suh-weet, doesn't it dude. I'm so glad you're so cool dude, because dude..." and so on.

  8. Never underestimate the loyalty a public humiliation instills in even the proudest underling!

  9. Pick up a copy of Pink Floyd's Animals CD. Sure the music's not for you, but the printed lyrics to the song "Dogs" on the inlay card are an excellent primer for the up-and-coming Vee-Pee! It's way better than that Usagi Yojimbo guy's Book of Five Rings or whatever. And shorter too!

  10. When ordered to kiss the ass of anyone remaining above you, make sure your only question is "how hard?"! Expect the same when "Turning the other cheek" to a subordinate!

  11. Skip most meetings without explanation. It's amazing how the mind of a mere cog will fill in more important excuses for you whether they understand that you're probably playing Nintendo or not. When you have no other choice and must attend a meeting, remember these three phrases and repeat them, in order, throughout.
    1. "Whose baby is that?"
    2. "What's your Angle?"
    3. "I'll buy that!"

  12. No one below the Vice President level should have an office, nor should they be allowed to aspire to one. "The Glass Ceiling" ain't just good architectural ideas for Locker Rooms! Make sure that every employee who has an office is immediately put into a cubicle. Their office should immediately be turned into a Broom Closet, Storage Room, Conference Room or simply left empty for maximum insult. This will give you the opportunity to walk by their new cubicles daily and inspect the work on their computer monitors. When you see a web site on any screen but yours refer to item two.

  13. You must dress to impress. If you don't have any new Details, Esquire or US News and World Report magazines lying around, pick up any of the following movies to copy your wardrobe from:
    1. Wall Street
    2. American Psycho
    3. WKRP in Cincinnati
    4. The Complete Adventures of Laurel and Hardy
    5. Johnny Wadd Volume One

J.C. Mašek III cares about you and your Upward Mobility.
This parody was created for your Mobile Upwardness... you punk ass!!!
Good day, and God Bless!

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