Die Another Day (2002)
(Release Date: November 22, 2002)

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Brad: Hey, HEY, hey!

Chet: Yo!

Brad: We're back with you to do our "Siskel and Ebert" for the latest James Bond film known as Die Another Day!

Chet: It's "Ebert and Rubber" now... Siskel died.

Brad: Dude, when?

Chet: Right after that movie Blast from the Past with Brendan Fraser came out!

Brad: Man, is that what killed him?

Chet: Could be!

Brad: Oh, man! What's the new guy's name?

Chet: Roberts... Rubber... Um... I think it's Mister Roeper!

Brad: Mister Roeper?

Chet: No, wait, that's the Landlord guy from Three's Company!

Brad: Dude, the Landlord guy from Three's Company is a movie reviewer now?

Chet: No, I think it's that guy from Andy Griffith!

Brad: Oh, yeah! That guy's cool!

Chet: Totally!

Brad: Aw! I just realized... He died before Star Wars Episode One: The Phantom Menace came out! He missed it!

Chet: Bummer! Too bad he couldn't just Die Another Day!

Brad: Goooood segway, my friend!

Chet: Dude! Yeah, back to this movie. Okay, so you remember when we reviewed xXx we totally couldn't wait for this new Bond film to come out!

Brad: Bated breath!

Chet: Totally!

Brad: This was one kick-ass year for movies, man! Check it out... A Star Wars movie, a Star Trek movie, a Lord of the Rings movie, a Harry Potter movie and a James Bond flick!

Chet: All of which we were hyped up for... especially Bond, man!

Brad: Yeah, because, you know, everyone wants to be Bond, man!

Chet: Especially Mike Myers, man!

Brad: Good Call, man! Pathetic.

Chet: Very! Anyway, so we go see Die Another Day all burned out on xXx's goofy stunts and top heavy catch phrases.

Brad: And in stead what do we get?

Chet: James Bond with goofy stunts and top heavy catch phrases.

Brad: So sad!

Chet: How the Mighty have Fallen!

Brad: Good Call my Friend! Now the movie didn't suck!

Chet: No!

Brad: It beats Moonraker and xXx hands down!

Chet: But still! It's pretty silly! It's like seeing your fat, post-college cousin in a swim suit! You could see how they used to have it going on, but there's just too much padding and unnecessary weight to be appealing anymore!

Brad: Nice analogy, dude!

Chet: Thank you!

Brad: Shall we to the plot!

Chet: There was a Plot?

Brad: Okay, first off, how lame is this? Our resident Super-Spy gets not only captured...

Chet: ... by North Korea no less...

Brad: ... but he also gets tortured and held...

Chet: ... not for like three days...

Brad: ... but for like fourteen months, player!

Chet: Yeah! Some super spy! It's supposed to make him justified for being so angry, but after like a few minutes of the movie he's wisecracking and quipping all over again!

Brad: Yeah... so much for the first twenty minutes.

Chet: Totally! And you know what this big fat problem with the whole movie is? It can't decide what it's going to be!

Brad: Right... So Pierce Brosnan as Bond looking bearded and long haired like he's in one of his many Made for the USA Network movies escapes from rehab and goes rogue!

Chet: Just like Bond does in License to Kill to avenge Felix!

Brad: Totally. But halfway through the movie Neal Purvis and Robert Wade realized that they had to work gadgets into the script somehow, and they couldn't just have John Cleese pop up and go Rogue too!

Chet: Although that would be "something completely different!"

Brad: Good call, my friend! So he scoots back to Merry old England and M, still played by Judi Dench is all like "Oh, no, you were only mostly suspended. You're fine, Gimme hugs!"

Chet: So he goes and sees Q and he gets all kinds of gadgets like an invisible car!

Brad: Which ruled! Want one!

Chet: Love it!

Brad: But, man, like, why is John Cleese Q now? I know Desmond Lewellen is dead and all, but wasn't Cleese "R" in the last one?

Chet: Yeah, he's Q now!

Brad: Why isn't he R still?

Chet: R doesn't mean anything, it's just the next alphabetical letter!

Brad: Well what the hell does Q mean?

Chet: Oh, it means Quartermaster!

Brad: It does?

Chet: Yep!

Brad: I never knew that! Makes more sense now! What does "M" stand for?

Chet: Um... "Mommy?"

Brad: Probably it, yeah! Anyway, so much for that argument! So at first it's a Rogue Bond, but then suddenly it's the same old Bond again, and then it turns into a tribute-stroke-ripoff of the current trends like Austin Powers or xXx!

Chet: Whom this reviewer hates!

Brad: Nicely put!

Chet: Check this out... Bond's about to go over a cliff in a hovercraft with an enemy, but he jumps up and grabs this hanging Bell and is saved... and he says "Ah, Saved by the Bell!"

Brad: Lame!

Chet: That wallows in Lameness!

Brad: Like Hoyt Axton headlining Lollapalooza!

Chet: Who?

Brad: Singer... Looks kind of like Joe Don Baker?

Chet: That's another thing... CIA Agent Jack Wade was conspicuously missing from the lineup! And they replaced him with Michael Madsen!

Brad: Why would they do that? I mean, is Madsen classier than Baker? No! I mean, I expected him to tie up M and cut off her ear to the sounds of the seventies!

Chet: Okay, so we explained why this is goofy! What about the good parts?

Brad: Halle Berry!

Chet: WORD! She was so incredibly hot! Especially when she does that Tribute to Ursula Andress and walks up on to the beach in her little orange Bikini!

Brad: And to think some people are actual atheists. It's uncanny!

Chet: I know... there is such beauty in this world. My Monster's Ball DVD never leaves my player anymore!

Brad: Really, is it that good?

Chet: Uh... I don't know... I've only watched the parts where she's naked!

Brad: Oh, yeah! Like me with Swordfish, that John Travolta movie with her nude in it!

Chet: Travolta was in that?

Brad: Moving on... The action was good too, and really fun to watch. Like for example he spanks Toby Stephens in an almost George Lucas fencing match!

Chet: Yeah, that was cool, and all the phony science stuff was sort of fun... like the Gene Replacement therapy!

Brad: Yeah... I wish Ben Affleck would undergo that!

Chet: Maybe... grow a horn or wings!

Brad: Or talent!

Chet: Dare to dream! The car chase with the invisible car was inventive and nifty, but the driving through the Melting Ice Hotel was silly!

Brad: So much was silly... And the killer Satellite! Dude... if you're going to rip your own franchise off at least wait a respectable amount of time!

Chet: Yeah, the communists using a killer satellite against their enemies... I really liked that movie the first time I saw it back when it was called Goldeneye!

Brad: You'd think in a forty year stretch of film one wouldn't want to start ripping of films from only 8 years prior!

Chet: And that's not even counting the Barry Nelson James Bond Movie!

Brad: Yeah, but nobody does!

Chet: Ouch! Glad I didn't mention George Lazenby!

Brad: You know what I hated most about this movie though?

Chet: Let me guess... the Product Placement?

Brad: Totally! It was like all over the gosh darned place. From the Cell Phones, to Bond's clothes!

Chet: Even what he drank!

Brad: So bad! I really half expected John Cleese to turn to the camera and scream "Tell 007 what he's won, Don Pardo!"

Chet: Yeah, and then James Bond would have to kiss Richard Dawson!

Brad: Couldn't have been more painful than watching the Ice Castle melt!

Chet: Or the... what... eight hundredth snow chase in a Bond film?

Brad: It was like they looked at Austin Powers or xXx and said... "Well that formula works... let's rip ourselves off and we'll at least deserve the benefits it reaps!"

Chet: Totally! It was as formulaic as a Roger Moore Bond Film!

Brad: Dude, I miss Timothy Dalton now!

Chet: I miss Barry Nelson!

Brad: Oh, no you didn't!

Chet: Yeah, I went there, player!

Brad: Okay, look, we can at least agree this movie didn't totally suck, right!

Chet: Yeah! I'd give it three stars I guess!

Brad: Yeah, three stars would do it!

Chet: Less product placement and more plot with less formula and more originality would be great!

Brad: Indubitably! But keep the same Bond Girl!

Chet: Yeah, she was so fine! Totally used Jimmy for sex too!

Brad: Word! Loved her! I can't wait for this Jinx movie they're talking about!

Chet: Yeah! Let's hope she pulls a Monster's Ball!

Brad: Or at least a Swordfish!

Chet: Good call!

Brad: Okay, we're out!

Chet: Yeah, J.C. wants his computer back!

Brad: Oh... and, um... "save us the Aisle seats!" How was that?

Chet: Great!

Brad: Always wanted to say that!

Chet: Me too!

Brad: Next time!

Chet: Yeah!

Brad: Next time!

Chet: Hey, Brad? Who would want to stay in a Hotel made of Ice anyway?

Brad: I don't know! Liz Taylor!

Chet: Oh, no you didn't!