Holy Shit, Batman!

A list of incredibly stupid things relating to Batman & Robin:
It all sucks, but these things stand out like a sore tongue stud.

  • The ass shots: What self respecting superhero, especially the tough and gritty World's Greatest Detective, would VOGUE in his bat cave with his kid sidekick, showing off the nipples on his bat suit, his "codpiece" and (over and over and over again) his ass? No superhero I'd ever give two shits about! This isn't even Subtle, man. It's turn, pose, shove body part at camera, pause, allow camera to zoom in, rinse, repeat. Damn!

  • The Neon Batmobile: Okay, I realize this was supposed to be "Cute", but to have the fastest and stealthiest land craft on Earth easier to see than a Mardi Gras float isn't even practical. Disgustingly, there is pink and purple neon EVERYWHERE in this movie, so maybe old Bruce considered this to be some post-modern form of camouflage? I hate this movie.

  • Incredibly stupid wisecracks: Yeah, the guy who witnessed his parents getting killed and settled into a depression that both Martin Gore and Robert Smith would envy would logically go neon-happy and start saying things like "This is why Superman works alone!", "You break it, you buy it!", "Here's where it all goes North!", "Freeze, you're Mad!", "That's not very PC. What about Batwoman, or Batperson?", "Why is it that all the beautiful ones are homicidal maniacs? Is it me?" and "You're not the only one who can set a trap, Venus!"! While none of these lines are a fraction as bad as Robin's and Mr. Freeze's intestine-twisting one-liners, even one from Batman is too much.

  • Ice Skates in the Bat suits: Yeah, you know... JUST in case, let's hide blades down there! Man, I hate you, Joel!

  • The Blasphemy of Mr. Freeze: As one of the more calm and calculating Batman villains Freeze's depiction here (by a ruefully miscast Schwarzenegger) is more embarrassing to Comic Book fans than the Ken Starr report was to Bill Clinton. Arnold sounds like he's having incredible problems with speech, he officially has the worst quips I've ever heard in any movie bar none ("You're not taking ME to the cooler!"), he actually conducts his idiotic minions in battle like a Smurf Maestro and at one point he literally has them sing "Mr. White Christmas" from The Year Without a Santa Claus as he waves his arms and taps his feet. It so sucks.

  • Batgirl is Alfred's Niece: Rather than Commissioner Gordon's daughter, Barbara "Wilson" is now Alfred's Sister's kid. She resembles Batgirl every bit as much as I resemble Tim Conway. Of course, the one thing this movie was in desperate need of was more characters and less plot, so Thank GOD they added her! I will admit this: her leather costume voguing didn't bother me too much!

  • Alfred Headroom: Out of a script that makes less sense than Steel Dawn, the most searingly torturous slice of putrid pork is the conversion of Alfred from Butler and Father Figure to a stuttering computer-generated head and shoulders which is, in fact, such a dubious victory of style over substance that the rest of the movie seems subtle and intelligent by comparison. His exact words of explanation were, and I quote: "I programmed my brain al-algorithms into the Bat Computer and created a virtual simu-simulation." How it was that Matt Frewer and the rest of the Max Headroom cast and crew didn't sue Warners for all they were worth is beyond me. I just hope Michael Gough isn't remembered for this turd.

  • George Clowney's hair (and everything else): As bad of a Batman as George Clooney makes, he's an even worse Bruce Wayne. Rather than offering up even the remotest element of canonical accuracy, Clowney is directed to act, well, just like he always has up until this point. In fact, there is as much variation from his e.r. character of Doctor Doug Ross in his Bruce Wayne as there is in the look of the Olson Twins. What's worse, he acts the same exact way as Batman. You know it's funny, I've read thousands of Batman comics, from the first ever to the most recent, and I've seen him go from dark gunman to silly cartoon to bleak guardian of dystopia to the future and back, and even in and out of a wheelchair. But somehow, I don't seem to recall him ever showing up in an obnoxious salt and pepper metrosexual Ceasar cut! Maybe I missed an issue or two.

  • Obviously plastic ice: Folks, you've got "THE" Rick Baker on the payroll, why the hell did the effects turn out like this? Here they weren't even trying, or maybe they were intentionally trying to get laughs in their constant competition with the 60's TV show, but when "Ice" has such malleability and elasticity to flap in the wind you have to at least consider the fact that Joel Schumacher might be an asshole! His name is Mr. Freeze, not Mr. Plexiglass, kids!

  • The Robin Symbol: Aside from the fact that it has no basis in the comics (Robin generally uses a stylized "R"), the "Robin Symbol" pops up everywhere in increasingly impossible places throughout the film. While the fact that this looks a bit like the ensigns that Nightwing (Robin's future persona) used, the sight of this in the sky instead of the bat signal is dwarfed only by the time Rotten breaks through a museum wall on his bike, leaving a perfectly cut out hole in that shape. I'd ask "what the hell", but I don't want someone to try to explain it to me!

  • Extreme Sporting: In addition to the miserable ice-skating, Fatman and Ribbon actually go Sky Boarding, drive Ice Boats and ramp bikes and cars. Hey, that ought to sell some toys! Good job, kids!

  • Robin says "Cowabunga": 'Nuff Said!

  • The Directing: I realize that Schumacher was intentionally trying to make something silly here. Setting aside that no Batman movie should ever be a joke, the incredible overacting, ridiculous pronunciations and overall simply goofy expressions make this movie unbelievably bad. If Joel wanted to make a stupid movie for a paycheck he could have chosen any number of subjects. This is tantamount to taking a shit on Bob Kane's grave! It's clear he didn't take his job seriously and had no cares about accuracy, logic or the interests of Batman fans.

  • Bane???: Bane was the smartest villain Batman ever faced. Here he's turned into a humiliating caricature, reduced to no more than a lackey and resembling the Saturday Morning Cartoon Hulk (he even says "Bane Smash!" at one point) that is played for comic relief. His depiction here is worse than what they did to Mr. Sleaze! If there really was a Bane the first thing he'd do would be to kill everyone involved with this piece of piss.

  • Batman and Robin attend a Charity Auction: It's supposed to be a trap for Mr. Freeze, but dudes, chicks, really, this isn't even vaguely in character for the dynamic duo. Some creatures of the night there, man. Nothing strikes fear into the hearts of the cowardly lot of the underworld more than a generous benefactor dressed as a bat! What's next? B.M. and Robbie cutting the ribbon at a Supermarket opening? Actually, that is scary.

  • The Bat Credit Card: Batman's utility belt contains a credit card with which he plans to buy a date with Poison Ivy. It's got a big bat-symbol on it along with a well-placed Amex logo. Sure this makes Batmobile repairs (and dayglow neon enhancements) easier to purchase, but come ON! At this point I clutched my stomach and doubled over. I was immediately rushed to the hospital. When I saw that the expiration date read "Forever", I contemplated suicide.

  • The Car Chase: Buttman and Rubbin' chase Mr. Fries across the naked body of skyscraper-sized statue. Batman the Animated Series had more real-looking car chases. This was like flipping channels between an episode of the '60's Batman and a game of Crazy Taxi 2! I'll admit it almost beats the idiotic ice chase which features vehicles designed only to sell more toys.

  • The Costuming: The well publicized and excruciating addition of Nipples to the bat suits (except for Batgirl's, damn it) was only one minor slice of the cheese that went into dressing our hapless heroes. From the ridiculous "Nightwing" costume on Robin, to the ridiculous Mr. Freeze costume that looked less realistic than an Optimus Prime action figure, the suits sucked shit. However, the stupidest thing I can report are the finale's ice-costumes, featuring silver trim on the otherwise black uniforms, which makes the whole crew look like Bat-Cylons. Now that's stealth! What? What? OH! I didn't see you there! Your camouflage is so incredible. Whoa, hell, wait! Where'd you go? DON'T DO THAT!

-Flying Hamster Kneumsi... the list must go on!