And this year, I have just the thing for that Turkey Cravin' appetite of yours. As all of you parents out there are buying toys for your tots, maybe even Super Hero toys, like Spider-Man or Captain America, or maybe some of our South of the Border friends are buying their kids something similar like Los Luchadores or something, I'm cooking up a fat bird that is stuffed up the roasted ass with all three. Well... sort of. You see, the 2009 Christmas Turkey is not only yet another of the "Rip Off" flicks that I abhor and pester, but is actually also a Turkey from... TURKEY!
One must wonder, really, why a nation whose name actually IS "The Republic of Turkey" would bother having a cinema industry in the first place. Isn't that kind of a self-fulfilling prophecy, man? That's like finding out that Lou Gehrig got Lou Gehrig's disease. Naturally Turkey would put out some Turkeys. If you doubt me, check out some of their truest classics, from the surreally bad Turkish Star Wars to the whacked-out Turkish Star Trek to the decidedly "UNDER the RAINBOW" Turkish Wizard of Oz to the incredibly egregious Turkish Exorcist, the old-ass Ottoman Empire has churned out some definitive Turkish Delights that couldn't even delight a Turk!
And that brings us to this year's Turkish Christmas Turkey, which just might be the leader of the proverbial pack! It's called 3 Dev Adam, which alternately translates to "Three Mighty Men" and "Three Giant Men", but is best known in the land of the Red, White and Blue as Captain America and Santo vs. Spider-Man! This is mainly because it's a bad movie that features Superhero Captain America teaming up with Mexican Wrestler Santo to do battle against an out-of-shape gangster/ serial killer in a Spider-Man costume who leads a Turkish-speaking criminal organization through a poorly made, grainy, badly shot, nonsensical film with English Subtitles that could boggle the mind of moron and genius alike, providing equal opportunity headaches to all!
Surprisingly, it isn't even as good as it sounds.
Yeah, you know the history of good old Spider-Man, nerdy student, bitten by a radioactive spider which granted him super powers, enabling him to become a wrestler until the death of his uncle taught him that with great power comes great responsibility! But HOLY CREAPING CRAP ON A STICK, apparently we all missed a chapter in his storied career. A chapter that included his expatriation to Istanbul where he became something more akin to the Kingpin of Crime in a bad sub-Halloween knock-off costume that looks worse than his hoody wear from 2002's Spider-Man! I'm not even kidding about that, Sports Fans, poor little Petey didn't even have webs on the red part of his costume yet. Not that the makers of the lame-ass poster didn't just boggart a drawing of Spidey from Marvel Comics to fool the... the... well, it fooled nobody.
While "Spider" and his "Spider-Gang" are taking Istanbul (which was Constantinople, but now it's Istanbul, NOT Constantinople) over their knee for quite the criminal spanky, their nefarious activities seem to attract the attention of another Marvel Comics hero (who stays a hero)! Yep, we're talking about Captain America himself (here played by the thoroughly Turkish Aytekin Akkaya)! For some reason, old Flag-Butt has found himself in Turkey and he remembered to bring his girlfriend, which is good, but he's forgotten his trademark shield, which is bad, because he can't fight for shit. Not for shit! Oh, he seems to keep winning his fight, amazingly, but it's less because of his Patriotic Superhero Prowess than it is the fact that the Spider-Turks that Captain Turkey keeps facing off with are worse fighters than he is! Seriously, with costumes THIS BAD, I half thought I was watching some lame episode of The Mighty Morphin Power Rangers, but the lack of fighting skills, believable dialogue or intelligent scene changes showed me that this film wasn't even up to that lame ass par.
Might I say that Captain Turkey might need a hand? Might I say, hell yes. So, to make this tale of "An American Superhero in Turkey" a little more Multinational, we're soon introduced to the only thing this movie lacked, which is Mexican Wrestler Santo (impersonated, also without permission, by Yavuz Selekman who is about as "Mexican" as Mustafa Kemal Atatürk)!
Yeah, folks, that's right, Captain America and a Mexican Wrestler teamed up in Turkey to fight Spider-Man. Just describing this film could make the casual movie watcher laugh or roll their eyes.
And it goes on like that without getting any better at ALL! Spider-Man spends most of his time cackling like Snidely Whiplash on downers, killing nude women and barking orders at his Turkish Henchmen. Just when you thought he couldn't get ANY MORE hilarious, we get a few close-ups of his eye-holes, revealing some obnoxiously prominent eyebrow hair and a ridiculous amount of Drag Queen Eyeshadow! In a perfect world, this would have been played for laughs, but no, apparently we (or Turkish Moviegoers who never read comics) were meant to take this thing seriously.
Lucky for us all, if you have the fortune or misfortune (depending on your point of view and, well, taste) to find and watch this stringy-ass bird of wretched Ottoman Celluloid, it's basically impossible to take seriously and is, thus, funnier than any given episode of Deputy Dawg! As much as our Turkish version of the Sentinel of Liberty couldn't fight for shit, Turkish screenwriter Dogan Tamer couldn't write for shit. I have to wonder what the eff-you-see-kay this guy was thinking, putting Marvel's most patriotic hero against Marvel's flagship wallcrawler with the help of a Mexican National Hero. The concept thrill-warps the mind as does the very idea of an unfriendly neighborhood Spider-Man! Of course, even the unauthorized and incorrect use of three copyrighted characters could potentially have been made into a watchable flick along the lines of Batman: Dead End, had it been put in the hands of a talented director. Un-fucking-fortunately T. Fikret Uçak is NOT such a director. The guy has the approximate vision of a myopic, stoned retired NFL Referee in cheap sunglasses in a smoke filled room at night during a power outage, man! Just wait till you see these fight scenes, man. At one point one of the bad guys actually knocks himself out by accidentally walking into Captain America's ass while he's hanging upside down.
Worst of all, the film is about as consistent as an undercooked Codfish Dinner! While at least the idiot impersonating Santo is in shape, he spends so much time out of his mask (something the real-life wrestler never did in public) that it took me half the movie to realize Santo unmasked was the same fucker as Santo in the cape. His martial arts scenes are just about as laughable as Captain Ottoman Empire's! The same thing goes for The Star Spangled Avenger, too. Once I finally realized the douche-bag in the gaudy shirt was the tool in the bad Captain America costume, we were dangerously close to the closing credits.
Don't even get me started on old Spider-Man, whose representation here is almost as offensive to comics fans as that 2004 Catwoman flick was. But, hey, at least Sweet Miss Kitty was hot and in shape. This sorry excuse for Spider-Man has a beer gut, bad eyeshadow, huge eyebrows and absolutely no powers. He shoots no webs, he dispatches victims by strangulation, switchblade stabbing and, in one case, even a hungry rat to the eyeballs. He doesn't climb walls or even fight like Spidey! He's just some Douche in a bad costume. He is, however, DAMNED hard to kill. Especially in that nonsensical finale during which... well, you'd have to see it to believe it.
Yeah, this one sucks ducks and licks dicks, man. Speaking of which, this is no Star Wars Holiday Special! As much as this simplistic, inept, sorry excuse for a film may seem like a fun oddity for the kiddies, this is most assuredly one to keep out of the hands of 8 year olds! Not only is this film grainy and poorly lit, but it also sports hard-to-read subtitles over noisy Turkish dialogue, plenty of blood (though the violence is sub-cartoonish at best) and even a scene of brief nudity during a murder scene.
Yeah, this here 3 Dev Adam movie is a bunch of Istanbullshit! True, they had no budget and did the best with what they could, but the film is truly laughable... in the best possible way. It's ironically funny and a curiosity worth your MST3K time to laugh at! Trust me, this one is truly hilarious, especially when one notes that there was some intention of quality here. Intention, no matter how strong, does not quality make, so 3 Dev Adam gets a steaming, Turkish DOG! That's right, kids, on WorldsGreatestCritic.com a bad movie is still a Turkey on Christmas or any other day, but let's not forget that even the 2009 Christmas Turkey is a DOG on WorldsGreatestCritic.com! So eat, up, True Believers!
The real question here is, what hero can possibly save us from these here Angry Turkish Turkey Dogs, man? Spidey's a villain, Captain America's been torn apart and Santo is an unmasked court jester with a broken heart! Sigh. Open up those presents under the tree, folks, celebrate with your friends, loved ones, cats, family and robot allies... but beware, the Turkeys from Turkey seem to go on forever and this Christmas and any other, there is no cure for Istanbullshit.
Merry Christmas everybody! See you in the next reel!
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